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you know what’s confusing to me? my family and some acquaintances saying I’m “beautiful” or “pretty” or anything like that. do they not see? no they do. then are they being nice? because they know being this ugly is hard and no one else will ever compliment me or like me in the slightest?

but you’re realistically not softening the blow of the real world. i can see other people being flirted with, everyone of my friends lost their virginities and most are in loving relationships. and im not. i never was flirted with, i only had one biy dance with me at a school dance, ever. i am never liked in that way.

or in any way. i have no friends. and i don’t know why? I genuinely try to be kind, interesting, open to others? it just never works out.

at this point, i am unemployed, ugly, alone, no friends no nothing. 

the only thing keeping me here is my cowardice and my mom. i wish i could just die, but passively. it will still be sad for my mom i guess. but at least she won’t think i wanted it. and i won’t have to do it myself and pussy out. no one will miss me but her. and im sorry. mom, im sorry. but it’s hard. to be so unloved by others. if i at least had friends. if i at least had a lover. but i dont and i never will. somedays i dont care but somedays, like today, i am reminded of my failures and shortcomings and i get anxious about wasting my youth, wasting my life, wasting wasting. if someone was given privileges, they would thrive. but not me. i fucked everything up, that’s my specialty. 

fuck me fuck this existence. i wish it was different. i wish something would change. i wish i could change it but i just don’t see how.

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good things

i feel that good things will never happen to me. nothing good will even come to me. 

i see people living the life i want to have and...im dying inside because its not me.

its no one’s fault but my own, obviously. i know that. but i dont know how to change that. what can i do to fix this. fix this situation or fix this feeling.

fuck, i wish i died a long ass time ago so i didnt have to see how much i missed out on. i hate looking back on my empty life. and i dont want to look forward because i know there will be nothing ill like about it.

so now im stuck on the middle. i hope i die soon. passively. like ive been my whole life, ill passively wait for my demise. maybe ill rot from the inside out or maybe the universe or whoever control this shit takes mercy on me and lets me die faster.

ps. the only good thing is my mom and her love for me. i never want to hurt her. if i die, it will hurt her, i know. the only reason why i didnt kll myself. i just. cant. i cant do this for someone else. live in this rotting ugly ass body for someone else...i guess i could, for her. but i wish i didnt have to.

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Tired

Tired of being an ugly piece of shit. Tiered of being a 20-some-year-old virgin. Tired. Tired. Tired.

Tired of working hard and getting nothing in return. Tired of not being the best at something.

I tried. I tried to think positively. I tried to take steps in the right direction.

Now, the biggest question is - Should I try again or just give the fuck up and perish?

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Youth, slipping through my fingers.

I feel my youth slipping through my fingers. I want to enjoy it. I want to be beautiful and let my hair flow and wear sexy, trendy clothes without a bra and go crazy at some party and kiss all the boys and all the girls.But that has never been my reality. 

Maybe I’m just stopping myself. Maybe my insecurities not letting me live my best life. Or maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

I feel okay being ugly, I feel okay being boring, I feel okay being alone. Most days at least. I convince myself that’s how it’s meant to be and that it’s okay, in its own way. 

But when I think about my age...the feeling of “okay” crumbles and I feel overwhelmed.

I think that I should have died earlier in my life. Then I would never know that I missed out. But now, in this season of my life, I know. I know what I am missing and have missed. I can't go back and I cant seem to move forward. It’s suffocating. I wish I died long before. 

I used to dream of becoming older and being okay. Becoming smarter, prettier, friendlier, less awkward, less depressed, more interesting, more of everything. I dreamed about having boys and girls love me. Lust after me. Want me. But no one ever wanted me. I’ve always been on the sidelines while my friends and peers made friends, made lovers, made something of themselves. I always felt behind. And I thought, I thought something would magically change when I got older. It didn’t. And now it’s too late for anything to change. 

I feel behind. I feel anxious. I feel overwhelmed.

And I don't know what I can do about it at this point. 

I wish something would magically change. 

I wish I died a long time ago. 

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At this point, I know I don’t deserve to be happy. I know I’m not much of anything and nothing good is ever going to happen to me.

It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. But then (sometimes) it’s fucking not. 

And I just need a space to write my thoughts without burdening those around me or worse, driving them away. And I made this little side blog. 

I really really really hope this helps. I don’t know what else to do. I need to learn how to be okay with being a failure. How to live knowing that I will forever be alone and no one (maybe except my mom) will ever love me.

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