deelunax

[deelunax]

a letter to myself – the girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life

hey,

i know you’re tired.

not the kind of tired sleep can fix,

but the kind that sits in your chest—

a quiet ache that shows up in checkout lines,

in unopened emails,

in nights where the money runs out before the month does.

i know you’re scared.

you don’t say it out loud, but it lingers—

in the way you double-check your bank app,

in the way you pretend “i’m okay” when you really mean “i’m holding on by a thread.”

you’ve learned how to stretch a dollar like magic,

but even magic has its limits.

and grief—

god, the grief sneaks in sometimes, doesn’t it?

when you see something she would’ve loved,

or when the room feels too quiet

and you wish you could hear her voice just one more time.

you miss your grandma more than anyone realizes.

you still carry her in the little things—

in the way you cook,

in the way you try to be gentle,

even when the world hasn’t been gentle to you.

and through all of that…

you’re still here.

still waking up.

still trying.

still loving in the middle of your uncertainty.

you keep wondering if you’re behind.

if everyone else has a plan while you’re barely holding yourself together.

but not knowing doesn’t mean you’re failing.

surviving is not small.

you don’t need to have it all figured out.

you’re allowed to move slowly.

you’re allowed to rest.

you’re allowed to cry about money and miss people and still call that progress.

take a breath.

drink some water.

cry if you need to.

laugh when it surprises you.

this chapter is hard,

but you are not alone in it.

love,

you.

[deelunax]

everytime we fought, you would never say things like " kau susahkan hidup aku" or " kau buat hidup aku susah", even though i've burdened you quite alot too with my emotional baggage. it wasn't even financial wise but you took on alot of my personal problem as yours, you helped me get through alot of tough times during our time together.

i guess i've been missing you quite abit this days. the new men i'm with, he doesn't love me like you do. he says hurtful things when he's upset and he can't balance my temper like you do. it's fire and fire and i'm always the one burning from his words.

i hope you are well. i know we can never be together again but i guess i'll miss you for as long as i can.

[deelunax]

it's funny how you're everything to someone one day, and nothing the next day.

i've tried so hard to love all the versions of you, the victim, the unhealed, broken versions of you. but you are not allowing me in.

and i guess for now, i will stop trying. let love find us if it's really meant for us.

S

[deelunax]

My mother is incapable. I know this now. She was never cut out for being a mother or much of a sympathizer.

She’d say she is. But she says a lot of things. She doesn’t do much, though.

She cares in her own unhealthy messed up way, not a way that makes me feel like her daughter.

I don’t think I ever really was.

[deelunax]

— Kriti G.

[deelunax]

seriously

[deelunax]

Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, from "The Complete Novels of Mary Shelly,"

[deelunax]

— Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

[deelunax]

I'm not falling in love

I'm falling in reverse

I'm loosing my balance

It's not about love

Cuz I'm not in love anymore

It's about me

It's about me and my soul

It's about me and my state of mind

It's finally about me

It's not about love

Cuz I'm not in love

Not even with me

But I will be

[deelunax]

Learned to control my overthinking bc I wanted it to be you

Learned not to self-sabotage bc I wanted it to be you

Learning to control my anger bc I wanted it to be you

Learned to not go quiet when I am upset bc I wanted it to be you

Tried to be a better person so I can make things work because I finally wanted to feel loved and I really wanted it to be you

Keep in mind this is past tense

[deelunax]

Since we broke up, I've been on one hell of an adventure. I've been through it all, the ups and downs of life. And i've met someone, and i shall tell you about it. Even though i know you will never see it.

He's a divorced man, with 2 kids. One's 6 and the other's 11. They're both so adorable, but circumstances really fucked him up and i would really like to protect him from the things that hurt him. If i could, i would. But i can't. So the only thing i can do is to be with him through the occasional emotional storms. And that's one thing that you taught me to do. You taught me that everyone deserves somebody who listens. You taught me to always listen, to always love how i want to be loved in return. You taught me to open my heart fully.

He treats me like i'm the most precious thing he owns, like he has eyes only on me. But he doesn't put it to words, and my love language is truly words of affirmation. I love being told I'm beautiful, I love being told my makeup for the day is nice, and you used to do it for me. " Cantiknya b nari", " cantik2 nak gi mana?" nowadays, i compliment myself by asking " i cantik tak nari?" or "makeup i nari lawa tak?" "makeup i nari on point gila" sigh.

He provides for me so well, which is what I used to do for you. But i've put him in a tough spot now where I can't solve the problem too. It hurts me to see him in trouble because of me, and it hurts because I do love and care for him. I wished i could take away all the problems for him. I never wanted to hurt him in any way.

I wished we still talked, you would have the best advices for me. You would tell me the best way to get out of problems. and now that the situation at home is hectic, you are the only one who understands. You are the only one who knows how the people in my home really are. You don't go behind my back and talk shit about me with my mum. You would always defend me infront of my parents, and you were never scared of their disapproval. " I dont care about your parents, what's important is you know I'm here for you and Azka. The both of you are what i need to protect, i dont care if people hate me for that." Whenever my mum texted you to talk crap about me, you will always tell her that you trust me more and that you will talk to me personally if anything is wrong. Nowadays, i feel like i'm in fear every single day. I never know what my partner and my parents are talking about behind my back, and it might not even be the truth. But they don't trust me like you do. They don't know me like you do. They don't bother to listen to me like you do. No matter what I say, he pretends to listen but still trust others more than me. I'm so used to having a partner like you, that being put in this kind of situation hurts me so much. It makes me lose feelings, knowing conversations about me are exchanged behind my back.

You know me well right. Once i lose feelings, it's gonna take alot for me to get them back. I wished things wasn't this way between him and I. I truly wanted to settle down with him, but now it just seems impossible. I dont know if i can be with a person who doesn't make me feel secure enough to speak my thoughts. Everytime i speak, i don't know if he even trust me. It sucks and i don't think I can spend my whole life with this feelings. And it's been 8 months of knowing him, yet he still don't seem to have genuine love for Azka. I can sense it in the small things, like him being annoyed at Azka when he uses his laptop and ask " why he cannot use the other laptop? Why he cannot use PC?" for fucks sake, he's a child. Yes he did bought shoes and bicycle for him, but it still dont seem genuine. Or maybe im comparing too much with the kind of bond you had with Azka. But one thing for sure, above all, I will never marry until I know that my partner truly accepts and love Azka. That's what's most important in my life. So much so that i closed both eyes when you constantly cheated on me. To me, as long as you loved Azka, I can live with everything else that you did to me. He didn't even want Azka to call him Daddy, even if it was just a joke. hahaha. u asked Azka to call you Daddy the 2nd time you met him. It's such a fucking difference that I can't ignore.

I know you will never read this. I don't miss you, but i just missed having someone who i know will always defend me even infront of my own family. Thank you for the 2 years together, you taught me alot. And you taught me that someone can infact love a child who is not his own, whole heartedly. Thank you for letting my son feel what it's like to have a father. I owe you so much for that..

[deelunax]

hey. it's been exactly a year since we broke up. i'm writing this post to express all my pent-up frustrations, and hopefully, finally let you go forever.

Do you remember the first time we met? We knew each other on Facebook, and then you texted me while i was sailing, somewhere between China and Laos. You were so astounded at the fact that I was a sailor, same as you. Even at different intensities, we could connect so well on how life is onboard. How we had to fight over VOB materials every end-month. I became so engrossed in our conversations that after a week, i was unknowingly always waiting for a notification from you. I started to stick closely to the Bridge, wanting to get the best wifi connection so that we can talk more. I even started to skip my naps just to talk to you, wanting to ensure I was texting you at the right timezone. It was a whirlwind feeling, i never thought i could fall for a stranger.

And then my first shore leave came, and you asked me out on to watch the fireworks. I said yes, and we agreed to meet in Marina. I put on my best, and went over. We were supposed to meet at 7 pm, and i reached at 6.45pm. I texted you, had a smoke, then waited for you. Soon after, the skies turned dark and it was 8 pm. No sign of you. I thought to myself, how stupid was i. to put on so much effort yet getting stood up on the very first meet. Then someone tapped my shoulder and asked me for a light. He was a freaking dashing men, which i later learnt his name was Damien. We spoke afterwards and he asked me out for a drink to celebrate, and so we went. We had 2/3 glasses of JB and I learnt that he was an Orthopedic Doctor at Raffles Hospital. How charming right? He asked to send me home, but i declined. I didn't even leave my number, told him that I was a sailor. So anything more than friends wouldn't be wise, he'll get bored and leave or cheat while im onboard. "I'll never get bored of a women like you, Dee" we exchanged pleasantries and goodbyes, and we left with each other's instagram.

When i reached home, my heart jumped a little when i saw your name on the notification. "I'm sorry, i fell asleep". Looking back, that should've been my first striking red flag. I should've ran for the hills, cos if I was interesting enough, you wouldn't have stood me up with a lousy excuse on our first meet right? But i didnt. Si bodoh nak mampos ni layankan and agreed on a second meet. How stupid.

The next day, you asked me out again and i ignored. But you constantly assured me that you're serious this time, and I agreed. We were supposed to meet in BQ, and you said you wanted to book a Grab for me as an apology. You told me to tell you when you're ready, but once i did, you told me that you were at my shelter instead. surprise kononnyaa. You drove a White car, and honestly when i first saw you, i felt so disappointed. The pictures on your Facebook were so much different from how you looked like. Then, sensing my unease, you told me that those pictures were from a few years back. I tried to be polite and continue with the date. And we went on our first date to Mogambo. Unknowingly, it would become a place full of memories, hurt, love, and betrayal. The night turned out to be so pleasant and i learnt that you were a very wise person. I always love connecting with people who are on the same brainwave or wavelength as me, and communicating with you was so good. You could exchange banter with me, and we had a nice time. Afterwards, we went to get icecream and you sent me home.

2 days after, we decided to meet again. Only this time, i was at Saniah's place. And then we went to ECP to have mcdonalds and listen to Malam Seram. I was so happy to find someone that I can just be silent and enjoy each other's company with.

And then, you asked me out again the next day. And I was showing your picture to Saniah when she said that you looked familiar. Like you were her husband's friend. And Yazid agreed that you were indeed his friend. Then he gave me a warning that i should've listened to, " Sis, kau baik2 tau. He's my friend, but eversince our younger days I know he's always going around with a few girls. And he's a mummy's boy tau. Dia lepak pun bwk mak dia. U better think first wether this kind of person can become a good father to your kid." I should have fucking listened to you, Zid.

So you met with the both of them, and afterwards we just became inseparable. We were always going on double date nights together, those late night massage dates to JB will always be etched in my memory. It was one of the best moments in my life, for my best friend and my partner to be friends.

Soon after, I had to go back to sailing. And that was when all hell broke loose. You were constantly cheating, making me feel like I wasn't enough, and words did get around. Everytime we visited Mogambo, the girls will always have a story for me. Once, i was on a 3 month voyage and when i came back, Wawa was shocked that we came together. " Babe, you guys got back together?" and i was lost, since when did we break up? Then the stories flowed in, one by one. The one u kissed on the counter, the one you brought home, the one you bought flowers for, the one you left because she was too drunk to ride in your car. It breaks my heart so much, and even writing this makes my tears flow again.

And then of course, there was the chapter about you and my son. You became so close to him that you can bring him out even without me. You would bring him along whenever you fetched me at work, you showered him with so much love. You were there every Parent Teacher Meeting, when his shoes wore out, you bought it for him first before me. You wanted to always be there for him. You referred to him as " anak aku" infront of your friends. " Aku bawak anak aku " " Anak aku dah lapar" and it truly warmed my heart so much. I knew all that was genuine, you truly loved him like your own. And he loved you too. You were the first father figure he ever had in his life. Buying him his school bags, his monopoly games, his birthday presents, you took on the responsibility of a father fully. When he was sick in school, you left your job to pick him up from school. For this, I thank you so much. Thank you for eveything, really. No matter how many times I fall in love again, I know that nobody will ever love him the way you do.

But in the end, the one I gave my heart to, didn't give me his heart in return. The frequent fights, arguments, i always thought we will get through everything and still end up as each other's vixen nemesis. But i was wrong. You were just so wrong for me. I sacrificed myself, financially, emotionally, mentally, for the wrong person. I wished i knew then what I knew now.

So after everything, I would just like to put it out here that a part of me still wished things didn't end up badly between us. I wished you didn't choose someone else. I wished you were still the one being my kid's father. I've fallen in love again, but it's just not the same. He loves me, and i need that. But he can't connect with my kid as well as you did. I don't feel the genuine connection like you had with him. And i'm scared. I wished we were still talking, so i can share this with you. I wished someone who can love me and my kid equally, exists. But maybe I am asking for too much. But I can always look for a partner, but my kid can't choose his father. So i need to be picking the best for him. I just really wish we were still friends. I want to tell you how angry I am that you cheated on me again and again, I want to tell you how disappointed I am that you chose her over me. I want to tell you how upset I am that you are spreading fake stories about me to others. But for now, I will just be quiet and try to keep to myself. I hope this will not eat me up too much.

[deelunax]

What it feels like to be in love with someone??

“You are killing me, and you are keeping me from dying. That is love.”

— Mahmoud Darwish.

[deelunax]

— nn. (via eternaldroplets)

[deelunax]

— Caitlyn Siehl, What We Buried

[deelunax]

—Andrea Gibson, "Good Light," Lord of the Butterflies

[deelunax]

When he wears gold, while she shines in silver.

When he craves adventure, while she seeks it between the pages of a book.

When he follows logic, while her heart leads the way.

When he thrives in crowds, while she finds peace in solitude.

When he speaks in facts, while she dreams in poetry.

When he sees only clear lines, while she spills color outside the edges.

When he moves fast, chasing the next thrill, while she lingers in the beauty of the moment.

When he trusts what he can see, while she believes in what she feels.

When he loves with caution, calculating every step,

while she loves like a wildfire, reckless and consuming.

And yet—

When he reaches for her hand, she takes it.

When he listens, she softens.

When he pulls her into his world, she lets him in.

When their differences collide, they don’t break

Instead, they bend, they learn, they grow.

Because love is not about sameness,

but about meeting in the middle.