decomposingdoll - Tumblr blog

[decomposingdoll]

Tw- suicide

Long time no update, things have been hectic and I just haven't really remembered to update.

I went on holiday! That's the main reason I haven't been updating, I've been away for 3 weeks on holiday, that was really fun, I really enjoyed getting away from everything!

I also ended up kinda cutting things off with the person from before, I realised I wasn't ready and I couldn't afford to develop an attachment, it wasn't fair to either of us, so that was a horrible thing but I had to do it for both of our sakes

I also rekindled an old friendship which I've been really enjoying, one of my old best friends I've recently become super close to super quickly, it's like we never stopped talking, so thats really nice, we've been hanging out loads and chatting all the time, however this eve they had a suicide scare, so I've just got back from the hospital after helping them, but their mum talked to my dad a load which is terrifying because I don't want my dad knowing I've been drinking and smoking and doing all kindsa shit I shouldn't be doing at her house, but hopeeeefully she didn't mention any of that!

All in all I'm a bit emotionally drained... I really really care about her so obviously this has been a bit of a blow, especially as I had no idea things were this bad for her, but hopefully she'll be able to get some more help and I'll be able to work on myself as well

Not a proper update becayse I'm just tired really, emotionally and physically drained but I needed to put what happened somewhere

[decomposingdoll]

TW- alcohol, suicidal thoughts etc

So I went to a Bbq yesterday with a bunch of the old youth from church, got far too drunk and made a fool of myself in front of everyone! Yay! I do this every time, I hate it but I can't change, I can never just be normal, why can't I just go for a couple drinks with friends and that be it? Why do I always have to go too far? I'm so sad about the person I've become, I hate it so much, i hate not having the power over myself to even try and change, I'm scared I'll just be like this until I die. I just can't be happy unless I'm drunk, every day is so horrible, I literally just have to get through it until the next day I can drink, which is hella unhealthy, but its the truth, and I despise myself for it.

In other news, I got a promotion which is really cool! I could do with the money, turns out drinking so much is very expensive, I have like no money for the rest of the month which isn't ideaaal, but I can't do future planning to save my life, so it'll always be the way

I'm on my way to work now, really I just wanna go home and curl up into a ball, but I can't! So here I am! Being a person! Even if I don't feel like one

But yeah, all in all life hasn't been great? I've just been trying to get through I guess, that's all I can really do for now

[decomposingdoll]

Tw- alcohol, sh, rant in general

I've continued to exist which is fun, I'm still going out like every weekend, it's become this obsession to me, to the point where I was really sad yesterday eve that I hadn't gone out all weekend, despite literally going out last Tuesday. It's like it's all my world revolves around, but I can't help it, I love it too much.

I've been working a lot recently too which is good bc I need the money and hours, but I've also had like nno time to relax inbetween work and family time and socialising, I've barely had two seconds to myself to just breathe. I've been sleeping awfully as well because I've been in really bad pain (for some reason now its my back?) so I'm exhausted as well which is just making every day feel like it lasts fifteen years... My boss just left today as well which is sad, the new boss seems really cool, but I'm gonna miss Sam a lot, he was always really cool and chill, he definitely made me feel really at home there, so I'll deffo miss him, but I think I'm gonna start playing d&d with him and some of the other people at work which is cool! Same with Angus who left a bit ago, he plays too so it will be cool to see him, even if only on zoom

In other news, I think I'm falling for someone. Which is not good. Really bad in fact, bwcause I don't want to. I just don't want to do it again, it hurts so much every single time it goes wrong, and yet I can't help it. Its going slow and I don't wanna rush things, but we're hanging out a lot and talking all the time, I know he really likes me, we basically act like a couple just without the label, but I'm really scared, and I'm really scared of him hurting me, and I'm really scared of me hurting him. It just feels like my relationships will always be doomed to fail and I don't wanna drag him down with me, nor do I think I can cope with being heartbroken again. I'm not in a good place right now, I'm only a few days clean and I can't seem to stay it, I'm drinking too much, not sleeping enough, everything is pointing towards me not being healthy enough to be in a relationship, but yet I can't help but feel I need him already, and it's scary. I always rely so much on people, I find my worth only in if other people think I'm worth anything, and I want to change but I can't, and I'm so scared of being broken again, or hurting someone I care about because of how broken and fucked up I already am

[decomposingdoll]

TW FOR SUICIDE

I went drinking last night with friends and it ended with me in a police car! Cute! My friends had to go early but I was drunk and stupid and decided I'd go out on my own, got really depressed and was gonna kill myself! Woo! It's been building up for a while, I kinda knew something like that was gonna happen soon, so it makes sense, but I ended up calling the police because I didn't trust myself not to do something stupid, and they got me home safe. My parents don't know though, my dad was awake when I got home but I said everything was all good, but I did have eyeliner all down my face so he probably suspects something, but my cover story is that I got sad about my ex in the uber because the last time I saw these friends it was with him? I think that's believable enough to not let them know, and just hopefully one of the neighbours didn't see me getting out of a police car 😅

They called the crisis team but the team basically said they couldn't do anything to help or support me which is really fun, good to know mental health issues are really important, but I'm safe now which is the main thing. I am however about to get to work which is great, what I really want to do is go home and curl into a ball and cry but u have to work until 5 so that's really fun

The really bad part is because I had every intention of killing myself, I thought it would be no issue if I spent all my money, go out On a bang or something, but because I had my brief change of heart and ended up getting home safe, I now barely even have enough money for the bus today to and from work, let alone tomorrow? Idk what ima do tomorrow, I need to find £2 quickly and then I'll have enough to get me through today and tomorrow bus wise, then I'll clean on Wednesday to get a tenner so I can get the bus Thursday and Friday, but I literally can't afford anything else until I get payed next Monday, I can't even buy myself food so I'm gonna be real hungry at work, I packed the only thing I could find which was dry plain pasta, so that's gonna be my lunch for today I suppose, which I feel like just about sums up how I'm feeling?

Idk, all in all, I'm really not doing good, I'm just taking each day as it comes at the moment and that's all I can really do, but I really should stop drinking, it's bad for my mental and physical health, and it makes me act like a twat, but I just love how it makes me feel

[decomposingdoll]

TW MAJOR TW FOR SH

So I relapsed properly last night. I'd been clear for over a year, I knew it was probably coming soon, but jesus does it still suck. I'm annoyed because I was doing so well, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself considering healing isn't linear, and given the self destructive mood I've been in the past few days, it was going to happen, I mean I even bought blades for Christ's sake, it was gonna happen, but it still feels shit. It felt amazing at the time, and a part of me is still happy when I look at my legs, but still, it's that old familiar feeling and I'm just hoping I don't get too addicted again

They aren't big boys because I didn't have a good blade, but they're enough to hurt like a bitch, they didn't bleed much though which is weird, usually they used to bleed a lot more, I think it's probably because my blade was quite blunt, thats probably also why they aren't that big and they hurt so much despite only being lil styros. But still, I have to admit I missed it so much, the feeling, the pool of blood, slowly watching the lines turn red? Nothing feels better

Anyway, I'm off to work now, for some reason I seem to only write updates on the bus or in bed weirdly, but I'm glad I've been more consistent updating, I want to try and make this a regular thing because it really does help venting out my feelings to the void, but knowing people aren't reading it, but it's still there? It's there if you look, there's a record of my mental decline? Idk, I just think it's weirdly poetic in a really fucked up way

[decomposingdoll]

MAJOR TW FOR EVERYTHING

I'm feeling in a really self destructive mood, I tried to cut but I threw all my blades away so I tried to use my tiny blunt exacto knife but all it did was scratch and irritate the skin, so I've ordered pencil sharpeners to salvage the blades from those.

Becahse I can't cut I'm feeling hella destructive and I won't lie, I wanna get fucked up, I wanna drink or do drugs or just not have to think or feel, I wanna destroy myself and I don't know how to and its eating me from the inside, I just want to hurt myself so badly and it fucking sucks

My scars have been healing and I hate it, I want to feel real again

[decomposingdoll]

So one of my friend just asked me out, I feel really bad bc he's lovely but I just can't, I can't face relationships and dating anymore, I don't know if I ever will again... I honestly don't think I'll be around much longer anyway, and I already hurt people enough as it is... I do feel bad because hes beint really sweet about it, saying its okay if I'm not ready and he just wants to be there for me, and thag I deserve someone to treat me well, but I don't. I'm not a good person, I don't deserve shit. I don't deserve love and affection from good people, so I won't let it happen, I'm not going to let another good person get ruined by me

[decomposingdoll]

So I ended up going to stay with my friends in great yarmouth which was really nice bc I've been missing them loadssssand I had a really nice week! Although it's a shame I messed it all up last night when we went out clubbing, it was really unlike me but there was this guy and we were flirting and shit and I genuinely almost left with him and my friends had to stop me, it's just weird because it's so unlike me and I feel really bad for putting my friends in that situation? I think since my breakup I've just been craving the concept of affection and attention, and being wanted, and I was really drunk and I guess I just needed validation, I don't know, but I'm really glad it didn't go any further than flirting and dancing and stuff because that's not who I am, I was just at a low point I guess? I still feel really bad though.

Speaking of men though, I have discovered breakup vultures, irs like some men have a 6th sense as to when you've just stopped being in a relationship and they move in like vultures, I've had like 7 or 8 men that I've known in various times in my life who rarely ever talked to me before suddenly contact me and message me saying they're super into me and stuff, it's so strange? But I don't wanna date, I think after everything that's been happening recently I'm coming to the conclusion that dating and relationships are probably not for me, I always end up hurting people or getting hurt, and I don't want it, so I'd rather be alone I think

[decomposingdoll]

Hahaha hahaha I want to fucking kill myself

So I was looking forward to today, gonna go to car boot, get a tattoo then go clubbing? All good! Car boot is great! Then I see a tiktok of my ex with a girl doing her makeup in his bed! Which means they probably spent the night together! Which is so cute

It's been less than a month since we actually broke up and he's already moved on just fine! Which is so fun! While I'm still miserable!.

And if they're sleeping together, how long has it been going on? Is she the real reason he broke up with me? I just don't fucking get it, we were fine and then one night and suddenly I'm nothing to him, I could die and he probably wouldn't give a shit!

I just feel sick and im having a fucking panic attack on a bus about to go and get a tattoo

[decomposingdoll]

I've been all over the fucking place since like last week, idk what's going on, I just feel like I've been having the worst luck and idk, it's just weird? I had a really shit unlucky day at work saturday where just everything that could have gone wrong did, today I think I've left my keys at work so my boss has to come bail me out and I feel really bad bc I'm making him go out of his way, plus I have no money, my ear lobes have both ripped in the past week (not badly but weird bc it's never happened before), I spent ages making a playlist that just disappeared out of nowhere and doesn't exist anymore, I've been in a really bad mood, I've been in loads of pain and I keep accidently hurting myself loads and waking up with random cuts and bruises, all in all I've been really unlucky, really sad and in pain and things with my job seem to be going downhill, idk what's going on but I'm freaked out.

I'm really stressed my boss is gonna hate me because I feel like I've been doing nothing but fuck up recently, and I keep needing to ask for time off and I'm just a bit of a nightmare employee really, but what I'm really stressed about is what if I've proper lost my keys and they aren't there? If that happens not only will I have got my boss out for nothing and wasted his time, I'll also have fucked up yet again by losing my keys which is like, a big deal, and ill probs have to pay tk get news ones cut which I can't afford and it's just all goign wrong bro

I'm just sad and annoyed and stressed and in pain and scared and tired and I wanna curl up in a ball and not exist for another like 5 years

[decomposingdoll]

So I've had a weird day today, I've been in a bad mood like all day really and I went to work and everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong and it was stressful, and yeah idek

Also Ive managed to convince myself I've lost a tampon inside of me despite the fact that the chances of that are stupidly low, and I probably just forgot to put one in or something, the chances of losing one are teeeeny tiny, but that doesn't stop my paranoid brain going off the rails and stressing me out like nobody's business. I'm trying to calm myself by thinking, chances are I didn't, but even if I did, I would know pretty quickly I'm sure, and even if I didn't know, tss is super rare, and even if I did get tss, I can always just off myself! Wooo

I kinda wanna go to the doctors now just to put my mind at ease but that's so stupid, what's the point considering chances are theres literally nothing there and I'm just wasting someone's time. If I start to feel ill or anything tho then maybe I will. It sucks tho bc they say one of the symptoms is pain around abdomen and stuff but I always have pain in my stomach and abdomen bc I have ibs so how would I even know?

Anyway I'm just stressing myself out even more now, maybe I'm a hyperchondriac or however you say it? If I'm thinking of the right thing? Someone whos always paranoid about their health and stuff? But at the same time I don't bother to look after my health so I doubt I could be, if I was surely I'd be more bothered about looking after myself?

Idk the world is stressful and I don't know what I'm doing

[decomposingdoll]

So going out and shit was really fun, I made a huuuuge fool of myself out clubbing but that was kinda to be expected, I'm just glad I didn't drunk text my ex, that's the main thing to me? Idk, if I'm being honest, I really hate the person I become when I drink, it makes me embarrassing to myself and the people around me, and I lie for no reason? Like I just lie, and I don't like lying to people, especially when it means I lose people I care about.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion I might actually have a drinking problem? Like if I don't like the person I become when I drink, why don't I stop? But that's the problem, I can't, I don't want to. I love how it feels to much to stop, it makes me feel happy and free and I just don't feel that anymore without the help of alcohol. It sucks, and I hate it, but I don't want to not drink, but I also do and I hate it. I can't tell anyone either because then they'll stop me drinking and idek if that's what I want? I don't know anymore honestly, I'm just sad and embarrassed and I feel hella empty.

Although maybe if I do keep drinking and push people away it'll be easier? Idk it's all messed up in my head and makes no sense really

[decomposingdoll]

So I didn't get scammed which is cute, but I've learnt a good lesson, I've actually made almost £100 quid just from this guy for basically doing nothing which is fun, weird but fun

I have work tomorrow and then I'm gonna have a bath, Im excited for Monday becayse I'm seeing my friend and I'm really looking forward to it, im just worried it's not gonna be as much fun as it could be because I know she's really struggling at the moment wih her breakup. I want to help in any way I can but I know I can make it all go away, I just wish I could help more, I'm hoping me being there will be a distraction from it all, but it's hard because I want her to be happy and have fun, but I'm worried she won't be able to

[decomposingdoll]

So I did something really stupid and now I'm panicking to shit

Basically I send nudes tk this guy for money, not a huge deal, I didn't think I was that kinda person but I jusy don't care really anymore and money is good, plus I knew he was trustworthy bwcause I know him, but that got me too confident and someone said they wanted to pay me nothing and I gave them information for my bank because I'm dumb, I only gave them my name and sort code and account number but they scolded me saying I shouldn't give out information so freely an they're right! I can't believe I was so dumb! Luckily it seems that they're a nice person who won't scam me, but still, i was so so stupid to give out information so easily! I'm such a dumbass and I'm still panicking becayse what if they aren't as nice as theu seem? I didn't think you could get scammed with only an account number and sort code but I don't really know anything and I'm scared

I just can't believe I would be so stupid, my parents would be so disappointed in me for doing something so dumb, I'm just so annoyed at myself and I feel sick with anxiety

[decomposingdoll]

It sucks, I wish I could be one of those people who don't care? Like, they can do whatever, they can go around being cruel and breaking hearts and lying, and being hurt, and havin their heart broken and being treated badly and just, not care? Like not feel guilt, or anger, or hurt or sadness or anything like that, not feeing would make all of this so much easier. It sucks that I still feel hurt, I still feel guilt, no matter what, Im always going to feel shit over it all, and he clearly wants nothing to do with me so I can't even ask all the things I did wrong, I want to move on and work on being a better person, but this pain and guilt and hurt is killing me

[decomposingdoll]

I was meant to be going out with a friend to get coffee today but they have covid so they cancelled which sucks but tomorrow I'm getting breakfast with my friend which is nice.

I did however jusy find out that my ex removed me as a follower on his Instagram! Which is just! So fun! Which means he probably posted something on his story he didn't want me to see! Which is so nice! I feel sick to my stomach honestly, I'm so anxious and stressed and fucking miserable, he wants nothing to fucking do with me after everything we've been through. Fuck

[decomposingdoll]

I had a really weird day today? I woke up early bc we had family friends over who were leaving this afternoon, but bwcause I was going to work I wouldn't see them, so I said bye, all normal, but I got the bus to work and I bumped into one of my old friends from school? Which is so weird because I rarely ever see people I know so I was super confused, it was nice to catch up but super weird. Work was fun, had a nice time chatting with the work peeps, rn I feel shit though because I just had a nic rush and iwas almost sick, I'm boiling hot and shaky and I feel like death which is fun, the last time I had a nic rush was at my exes and he was super nice about it which doesn't help with the whole feeing shit thing, the duality between having someone who loves you and cares about you comforting you and holding back your hair, and you being alone on your bathroom door trying to be quiet because you don't wanna wake your mum up? Yeah it's weird, and I feel super ill still even though I almost threw up already, which is just rude, usually if I feel sick and I throw up or almost throw up, it goes away after that? But it seems like this one is sticking around which is rubbish, I guess I'll just try to sleep it off maybe?