deckspair

[deckspair]

May’s Musical Director’s Commentary

Hey guys! I'm May. You might remember me as "the one who did those nifty chatlogs and the roster page" or "the one who did all the music" or "that one mod who never said anything." Los and Mints agreed to let me write up this "director's commentary" on the music I did for DECK. There's no secret lore tidbits in here or anything, but if you liked my music you might find this an interesting glimpse into the process.

A Note On Sampling

Sampling is the practice of using preexisting audio to make new music. When I talk about what I've sampled here, I'm only going to mention particularly interesting cases. Almost all of the music I've done for DECK features audio from Free Wave Samples, so I figure that's not really worth mentioning except here. It's the other stuff that's interesting. EarthBound was an influence on my decision to pull in a bunch of audio from outside sources. I've always admired that game's use of sampling.

The First Chatlog

The chatlogs have consistently been pretty fun to do. I knew from the start that I didn't want to edit this together by hand, so I wrote a Processing sketch to render the video. It's not the most elegant thing in the world, and adding new features is a massive pain, but it's a lot easier than putting these together any other way. All I have to do is swap out the script and background shader and write a new song and I can just let the program churn away rendering a new video. (Of course, fiddling with the shader until it looks presentable takes so long that it kind of eats into the time savings.)

There's not much to say about this one. The typing sounds were graciously provided by Mints. Those with careful ears might notice the instrument playing the chords in other chatlog songs.

The Second Chatlog

One of the only interesting things about this one: the melody is actually a musical cryptogram! What it spells out is an exercise for the reader. ;) The miscellaneous background sounds are all distorted versions of stuff I recorded myself one day when my film teacher let me wander the halls with a microphone. Film school has its perks.

Rio Hachimitsu's BDA

Doing the first body drop music was pretty intimidating. The body discovery music in Danganronpa has a particular instantly recognizable quality to it. If I wanted to go for that style, I'd have to get it down perfectly. (Otherwise I'd come off as a cheap imitation.) So I decided to be original. After school PSAs would be proud.

The melody here is probably pretty familiar to you all by now. Every BDA has used some variation of this melody because I'm a sucker for leitmotif. The melody itself is a slightly modified version of the Dies Irae. (Yes, I know I'm very pretentious, but being pretentious is fun.) This is also the first instance of what I call the "death rattle." I put that strange scraping sound into every BDA and execution for consistency's sake. You can see it as the moment the soul leaves the deceased's body or the moment the onlookers realize somebody's just died... or something. The really fun part is what it is - it's a bell tree! Yknow, those tinkly whimsical things. It's just been reversed and slowed down and drenched in reverb. It's fun how malleable audio is.

Minnie Minami's EXE

This was fun! Despite being a film student for a while, I've never had to write music to sync up with a video before. (I still haven't - I'm pretty sure the video was edited to match up with the music and not vice versa.) The overall tone of this one was pretty obvious. Of course a ringleader's execution would be accompanied by messed up circus music. Anything else just wouldn't be right. There's not really much else to say about it other than that it includes samples from my toy accordion and slide whistle.

Sampled:

An old recording of Auld Lang Syne

Yasu Kozakura's BDA

The body drop's usage of mirrors really hit me in the art gut, so I figured the BDA jingle should have something to do with mirrors. This is why the melody plays forwards and backwards simultaneously, because mirrors. (Some call that kind of thing a "crab canon.")

My incredibly good and quality cat piano is also in here. A stretched out meow recorded from it forms the basis of the background chord.

NANIKO's EXE

For this one, I gave the video editor three different tracks, one for each "segment" of the execution. I did this as a cop-out because I didn't want to have to try to sync my music up with the video - this way, the editor could mash it all together.

The segment with the mirrors was an exercise in what's called "phase music", where two lines drift out of sync with each other, creating different rhythmic textures over the course of the song. (Piano Phase and Clapping Music, both by Steve Reich, are two classic examples of the form.) For some reason, echoey piano lines phasing in and out of sync feel mirror-y to me. They also form a nice musical callback to the BDA.

Sampled:

Me switching frequencies on the radio

Sayuri Nishi's BDA

Shoutout to Free Wave Samples for having a heartbeat sound. I didn't want to try to make that sound myself with drums. 

Kosuke Nakamura's EXE

This execution is significant because it's the first non-video one. Execution art wasn't my department, so I'm not going to speak on how that change affected the artists, but I found it liberating to be able to follow the more general emotional arc of the execution rather than being tethered to the pacing of a video.

When I asked Angela for guidance on where to go musically, we came to the conclusion that the proper genre would be "Tom and Jerry noir." That description alone is why I loved doing music for DECK - where else do you get the opportunity to write something with that as guidance? The most natural interpretation in my view was a song that starts out jazzy and segues into slapstick-esque classical to mirror the transition from the safety of noir to being mauled by a giant robot cat.

Also, the Slack notification sound is in there, since Los suggested a social media notification sound in the background somewhere. (Slack's basically social media for tech dorks, right?)

Sampled:

Slack

Tom and Jerry

The Missing BDAs

Unfortunately, I got preoccupied and neglected to do BDA music for the deaths in Chapter 4. Generally, there's not many interesting things to say about stuff that doesn't exist. The plan was to sample Pomp and Circumstance for Law N... but I didn't. Sorry, Froggy. I didn't have any other plans for this one.

Ukiyo-Maemi's EXE

This one relies so much on sampling it almost makes me feel bad. I got so much mileage out of the clanging percussion and the spooky background sounds that it's basically cheating. 

Sampled:

My lovely girlfriend 💕

OFF

Akira Akatsuki's BDA

I was in a very percussion-heavy mood when I wrote this. (Can you tell?) Listening to the FLCL soundtrack had me jonesing for some dramatic cymbals.

Sampled:

Earthbound

Genko Junshu's BDA

Junshu's body was found in the Navigation Station. This called to mind sonar beeps and garbled radio messages and such. This is another one that wouldn't be nearly as interesting without the sampling. Hopefully this is transformative enough to not get me labeled a hack.

Sampled:

Earthbound

Law Kiyuu's EXE

This execution actually freaked me the hell out the first time I read it. Freaked me out for like a week - something about the combination of incredible writing and the subject matter. It honestly felt calculated to scare me specifically.

Anyway, I had a lot of fun with this one. I wanted to write something as unsettling as the execution it was accompanying. The intro is supposed to represent Law thinking he's already dead. Next comes his terror (evoked with the hilariously dissonant Altered scale), and then the final spooky arrhythmic section is supposed to be him being cut apart. (Note that part of the music drifts out of sync with itself to represent Law, uh, going to pieces.) The return of the piano is supposed to evoke the flashback section. That kind of piano sound always sounds spooky and/or sentimental to me.

Not much else to say now that I've dissected (heh) basically all of the decisions I've made for this one. I'm really proud of Law's execution song - it might be my favorite out of all the ones I've done for DECK.

Sampled:

Earthbound

Persona 2: Innocent Sin

The Doug Theme

Death Note

"It's a Long Way to Tipperary"

gamer butt song

Frogbot's EXE

The original plan for this one was start this one off with a hocket-y medley of all the previous body drops and executions. However, it would have been really tedious to export then import all the relevant instruments, so I didn't do that. Instead I remixed the typical BDA theme. It's supposed to convey the shift from FrogBot's reign of despair to the triumph of getting them executed. I realized part of the way through that this segment was far too triumphant given how many people died and the fact that the submarine is about to explode, so then I just ended it by lingering on a diminished chord. I'm not a very subtle person. Frogbot's execution lacks the death rattle 'cause there's no horrifying realization that one of your classmates is dead. (Exercise for the reader: find where I hid the Flintstones theme in this song. Good luck.)

Conclusion

DECK was a lot of fun to work on. I wrote some extremely messy code, made some sick as hell videos, and wrote some pretty baller music. I got to see some wonderful artists do their work, and I got to skim some pretty intense roleplaying. Thank you to everyone who said nice things about my music and to the mods for being really cool dudes. Special thanks to Mints and Los for letting me put this long-winded rant on their blog, and thank you for reading this whole thing.

See you on the flip side, y'all.

[deckspair]

BOOM. || Epilogue

The survivors were gone, but the ship was still floating, though not for long.

The Posidonias Atlantica’s timer ticked down, seconds slipping by.

10

9

8

Within the Navigation Station, the radio crackled with sound.

“--llo? Posi… tica? Can you hear… Can… This… the… Nereus… ica… been trying… contact… please respond... ”

“Can you hear us?”

3

2

1

BOOM.

[deckspair]

going on a trip in our favorite oceanship || Epilogue

Almost two hours had passed since the final trial had ended. 

Maybe you spent your last two hours here packing. Maybe you spent it grieving, in the company of someone you would never see again. 

But the time for all that was now over. It was time to go.

WellnessBot waited in the Cargo Hold next to the only docked ship, one that was sleek, and a nondescript gray. In one hand, they held the Moth Keycard. In the other, FrogBot’s key. It appeared they wouldn’t be bringing anything else.

They ushered the students into the ship without a word. Even with your numbers pared down to a small fraction of survivors, it was difficult to fit everyone and any luggage they carried. 

Water flooded the dock as a door on the far side of the port rolled open. Slowly, your ship pulled out, entering the open ocean.

WellnessBot steered the ship out, and then you were off. To where, not even they were sure. All they had was an uncertain direction. If you had checked the Navigation Station recently, then you would’ve recognized the direction. The sonar had detected a distant ship. Was that where you were headed now?

You sped off into the distance, leaving the Posidonias Atlantica and everything — every memory, every moment, and every lost friend or classmate — behind.

[deckspair]

GO. || Epilogue

And that was that.

WellnessBot watched as the guillotine came crashing down on FrogBot’s head, and they breathed a sigh of relief. Which was odd, since robots didn’t need to breathe at all.

They looked at what was left of the class. 

“You’re all free to go, beep. I will be in the Mysterious Lab to carry out Matsuba-kun’s favor, but after that, everyone who plans to leave, meet me in the Cargo Hold.” They held up FrogBot’s key. “This will get us into the ship that’s in there, and take us away.”

“If you’re bringing anything, bring only what you need or what you can’t leave behind, beep.” They paused. “We only have—”

“TWO HOURS REMAINING UNTIL DETONATION,” a recorded announcement interrupted.

“—two hours,” they finished.

“Be fast.”

Go.

[deckspair]

“Kero?!?”

A fitting death, in quality and method.

[art by @hyxeria​; music by @xix-the-all​]

[deckspair]

VOTING RESULTS PT. 2 || TRIAL 6

Tallying up the votes…

- Yes: 2

- No: 0

- Deferred: 3

The winner, with 2 votes, is Yes, FrogBot should be executed.

[deckspair]

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love You, Tomorrow || Neo & Shinobu || MM Trial End

[ TW: Emetophobia, breathing problems, mention of disordered eating. Detailed discussion about suicide, terminal illness, and the right to die. ]

For what was quickly cemented as the worst night of his life to end all worst nights, the fact that it wasn’t over was a disgrace.

Neo had remained silent through the entirety of the reveal and its aftermath. What energy and motivation he had to refute the cynicism of the truth sapped away the moment it was announced that they had gotten it right, and after that, he’d been left dumbstruck and silent, forced to consider that Akira Akatsuki could’ve done this. Shinobu asked all of the questions that danced around the forefront of his mind, and the sickening answers only made the paralyzing agony that much harder to stave off. He didn’t even know where to start, but…

Pointless. Everything just felt pointless. It felt wrong, horribly wrong; he couldn’t believe that his past self would have agreed to something so vile as to live where others were sacrificed. That he somehow would’ve left Haruka behind – and unless she had taught herself to open a window or some kind soul had forced the door open once it was clear Neo wasn’t coming back for her, there was very little to suggest she made it out of their home or even on board any of the other ships. And nothing to say about the kids, those impoverished children and staff in the orphanage who had no money, no clout, no say in their own fate and no way out. It horrified him so badly he retched, dry heaving as the empty contents of his stomach went through his nose, forcing him to put one hand over his mouth while keeping the other on his only remaining family left.

Shinobu… by the gods, they had to be hurting even more. He knew how bad their survivor’s guilt had been after Nonoka, after Junshu, after Akira… Neo wiped away his trembling hand and hugged them closer. Especially when WellnessBot announced their intention to execute him for not voting correctly – honestly, he wouldn’t have minded death if it wasn’t for the fact that it would undoubtedly ruin Shinobu, and if there’s one thing he needs his sibling for, it’s to tell their story even if everyone else would eventually forget it, excise it from their head or just tried to gloss over it like their pain and suffering had been in the service of some plot to make the world a better place. It was an unjust world made worse by the futility of their own situation; and sad to say it, this hell was the only place he could ever have seen himself being happy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

The pen in his pocket feels heavy. It’s the one he wouldn’t let go even if he hadn’t been given the choice to let go of Nonoka, and as he buries his head in Shinobu’s arms he can feel the fur of Akira’s jacket tickling him. Like maybe he could just sleep, and his next waking phase would see his big sister teasing him for getting a girlfriend before her. That she hadn’t been a cruel person to– no, even now he refused to believe she was a cruel person in her heart. Jean’s death, coupled with the unfairness of the world that moved on without them… He did not know if he would’ve been able to continue either if he’d known the truth. It sucked to be alive when she wasn’t, when their only explanation came from the very robots he detested. They were left to pick up the glass shards that his big sister had smashed on her way out, and he wasn’t even afforded the mercy of knowing what had been going through her head.

Only what went through her heart, and now SpiderBot was dead, and now FrogBot might be. What really was the point of all this? Did they still think any one of them really cared about the robots other than the fact their continued existence could help continue theirs?

What was the point of everything, anymore? Even if they left this vessel, Neo knew that he had already died on board it. Only that his body was refusing to give up, and even then…

“…Niisan?” He breathes out, more a whisper than a voice anymore. His words sound so far away but he has to tell them what he wants to say. He will not let things go without clarity, not when it had been ripped from them so many times before. “Today is just the worst, huh? It sucks so bad… and I’m sorry for what we had to learn. But I… I think they’re still out there, waiting for you to come home to them.” He points out the windows, squeezing their back. “Your parents love you beyond any kind of love I could afford… I’m sure they found a way to wait for you even now. Make the choice you need to and get yourself out of here with the others. I’m sorry though… there’s one more thing, one more choice I have to trust to you. It’s the worst thing I can ask of you right now but… I don’t want to ask it of anyone else here. Because… you’re the only one left that it matters to.”

He takes a deep breath. A thought, circulated and spun around in his feeble mind that persisted even through the labouring breaths and failing systems. “I want you to… to leave me behind here, when you go off.”

Shinobu is finalizing their vote (they would much rather have to deal with the risks of following WellnessBot’s plans than letting V-Tan0va capture everyone) when Neo speaks up, and they quickly drop everything to listen to him, and…  

And there it is. There is that other fear that’s been lingering on the edge of Shinobu’s mind for weeks, independent of anything regarding the identity of the mastermind. They have done all they can to support Neo these past weeks as his health, in both body and spirit, has taken a sharp downturn. (Shinobu hadn’t explicitly told anyone the real reason they brought a wheelchair here, but in hindsight, isn’t it obvious now? If Neo is coughing up blood now, there is no way Shinobu would make him run to escape.) But they never dared to speak of what it might mean for the future, or if there even was a future for Neo.

Turns out, he’d already come to his own conclusions. He’d accepted the truth a long time ago, even before Posidonias Atlantica. It was and has always been Shinobu who couldn’t accept the grim reality.

“Wh-what are you talking about…? Why would I ever…? Neo-kun, why would I ever leave you behind!? I told you, I brought medicine! I can get you somewhere safe, take care of you… “

And what would basic first aid supplies do except palliative care, and not even do that effectively? Even if Shinobu had found more doses of clofarabine, Neo’s long past the point where it’d have any meaningful effect on him.

“I-If we… When we find my family, they’ll take care of you, too. O-Or we’ll look for Dr. Muneyuki, because he’ll help you and he’s – you said you’re like a s-son to him, I know he wants you to come home, a-and I – I want you to come home. I want t-to take you to my home, I want to see the sky again with you, I want to be with you for however longer we’ll survive. I want you to stay with me. I need you to stay. Neo, I love you. You’re my brother. I can’t… I-I can’t lose you, too, please don’t make me lose you…”

The tears begin anew. Shinobu swore to themself to always have energy for Neo, and that includes the energy to weep over him. The words that plagued Shinobu this entire trial repeat over and over in their head until they begin to lose meaning: It isn’t fair. It’s not fair that all they can do is pick up the glass fragments left behind and rearrange them to pretend it had meaning. It’s not fair that even on the home stretch, they can’t stop losing people. It’s not fair that after months spent breaking themself upon hardships over and over and over again, this is how Shinobu will be repaid.

They hold Neo even tighter, clutching the back of his shirt, as if he’ll vanish into the ether right this moment if they let go of him.

It hurts, of course. He doesn’t want to leave them behind any more than they don’t want to do the same to him. But deep down, he knows that it must be done, and it must be done now when he still has the consciousness left to tell them.

“I was never long for this world to begin with. And I know I don’t have long left now.”

His hands move up to hold Shinobu’s face. “I just… these past few months, as painful as the end was… the times I spent with you and Nonoka and Akira and everyone on board have been the happiest any dying man could have asked for. I know that I will never be happy again, and I fear that… that if I do go with you… if we even make it on board… I will die before you can get me help, from the ice that runs through my veins. That’s why… that’s why…” Tears stream down his face as he presses his own forehead to theirs. “I want you to… to make the conscious choice to leave me here. So that you’ll never blame yourself for not doing enough to save me from myself. No ifs, no buts, no blame onto you for something that I needed to choose. This whole experience has been one forced decision after yet another morton’s fork. With the time I have left… forgive me for wanting to choose the way I’ll die. With a little bit of dignity and freedom left to watch the beautiful waters of the ocean… to remember the laughter and the tears of the happiness we had  to share instead of the deep sadness that can only ensue if I die so close to your freedom.”

Hugging them tightly, Neo sobs openly, and as the coughs wrack his body and force a thin stream of blood to trickle down his chin, he wipes it away to put on a brave, smiling face. “I know that… that you will have to be alone again but… I’ll still be in here.” He gently presses a finger over the space on their back close to their heart. “And mine knows you’re stronger than I ever could have been… the strength I need to make this choice not for me, but for you. Please… let me go this time. After this farce is over.”

“H-Hey, don’t… don’t strain yourself.” It feels surreal, momentarily fretting more about his coughing than about what he’s been saying. But he keeps speaking in spite of (no, because of) the blood, and it forces Shinobu to focus on what’s most important. Shinobu knows they won’t strictly be alone, unless the survivors all part ways after this, but they feel so, so lonely right now. Like there isn’t anyone left who cares about them and their own wishes. “We can find happiness, we will make our own even if we have to tear it out of the dead earth ourselves! Neo, you aren’t just… this isn’t just because of…?”

Because of all the death and betrayal. Shinobu’s picked up on Neo’s ideation, ever since the first defeated utterings began after Nonoka’s death. They’re scared that this isn’t just because of his terminal cancer, but because he truly, absolutely does not want to keep living.

“I-I don’t want to be alone… I don’t want you to be alone. I-I can stay with you s-so that you… that you don’t have to die alone. I’ll stay.”

And that is the singular most stupid thing Shinobu has ever said, more than anything else they’ve said the entire time they’ve been on the ship. Neo is speaking from the perspective of someone who’s spent years trying to come to terms with his inevitable, imminent death – Shinobu is speaking only from sheer impulse and hurt, because they are at wit’s end and can’t comprehend the future. Not because it doesn’t exist, but because they don’t want to think of a future without Neo. Or a future without Nonoka, or even without Akira or Ukiyo-maemi and every other person they had loved and hated and lost.

Shinobu has a future, it’s just that they don’t want to face it alone. In that endless well of self-loathing, Shinobu calls themself selfish, because they know they can’t stay behind now, not after doing so much to secure escape. They know that what they’re really hoping for is that their bluff will make Neo reconsider. They know if it were up to them, they would drag Neo onto the shuttle and into an unknown, hostile world where he’d die slowly and painfully, if meant having just having a little more time with him.

If half the survivors believe Akira was cruel for wanting everyone to suffer and die, what does that make someone who wants everyone to suffer and live?

Their own sobbing is heavy with shame over their own words. If there is an objectively correct choice here, Shinobu doesn’t want to make that decision. They want… For a second, they want this moment to last forever. Safe in Neo’s arms, and him safe in theirs. They want the bombs to suddenly go off early, killing everyone before they what’s coming, before anyone can make any more choices about who lives and who dies. Shinobu wants this moment to last forever.

Time continues.

“I’m sorry.” Like waves breaking against a stony shoreline, Shinobu forces themself to speak through their sobs. “I d-don’t want to go on without you. I… I want so much for you. I wanted better. F-For all of us. I don’t want you to die. If… I had just… done something earlier…”

Done what? Starved themself, retreated back into their darkest days as an athlete, spent all their money not on food but on the gift shop in the hopes of finding more medicine to delay Neo’s cancer?

Killed Ukiyo-maemi to protect Nonoka, then fled into the dying world alone? Attacked SpiderBot just so they could fall upon that sword before Akira could?

Shinobu would’ve done all that and more to save Neo, and perhaps that is the single greatest reason they need to leave without him, though Shinobu will never acknowledge that.

“I love you.” There is not nearly enough time left to say all that they want to say to Neo, and no matter what happens, they hope he knows that he will always be loved. “I… I don’t want to let go. Please stay with me. Just a little longer.” Their unspoken, futile plea is that he never leaves.

The heartbreak in their voice makes this so much worse. But he has to force himself, force it onto them, and he is being irresponsible, he’s being so selfish right now in putting all of this into Shinobu’s hands but… he doesn’t want the alternative to pass. Not like this.

“It’s not just because of that. I was… already dying, a long time ago. I just… want to hold onto what’s left so that… so that I won’t ever force myself to rue you for keeping me alive instead. I’d sooner die than ever… than ever allow myself to resent you, Shinobu-niichan… I love you so much.” He whispers, and in that one moment everything feels all right. Like it’ll be okay, like the waters aren’t threatening to swallow them up and cast them out into the sea.

He doesn’t want to tell them that there’s nothing they could’ve done for him. That even if all of that had happened and more, he might still have chosen to stay because in truth he didn’t know if he could live with himself, knowing those who had died to get them all underwater in the first place. The guilt continues to eat at him, but he staves it long enough to press a kiss to Shinobu’s forehead out of brotherly love.

“I wanted so much for us. For each and every one of us here… I wanted to go on a date with Nonoka so bad… I wanted to meet Akira’s siblings… I wanted to be spoiled by you and tease you about guys and so much more… but the truth is we have to let that go… and you, me go. I won’t die alone… I’ll die free with the presence of the people I loved here. I won’t let you join me though… you need to live and find the people who loved you too. And I’ll wheel you over to the… to the escape ship if it takes me all I have left.”

And that is the truth. Even if it will kill him in the process he will push and push and ensure that his big sibling leaves without the last regrets they most certainly have.

His hands clasp around their back weakly. “But right now… please… please stay… I’m so sorry, and I can’t stay forever… so better now when I still have embers of this happiness… of a day where you and me and Nonoka and Akira-neechan were all happy…”

It doesn’t matter who sees them now. But he’s hoping their loved ones are, from up above.

Shinobu remembers having once shared painful memories of their past, unprompted, in an attempt to regain agency over their life when the robots were taking that away from everyone. Maybe this too is Neo’s way to gain back his own freedom when this day was intent on stealing away everything. And… and as much as Shinobu wants to take him along, they don’t want to be the one that steals away what little agency he has left. They don’t want his last thoughts to be resentful of them.

They stare down at their tablet left discarded on the floor, at the vote they had input and promptly forgotten about. How many people, now, had they condemned to die…? And now Neo will be the latest one. Shinobu can only hope he’ll be the last. The blood from trials and votes will never leave their hands.

Slowly, they pick up their tablet. “…Can I… ask a favor? A few of them. When you… when you see them again…” Shinobu leaves ‘them’ unspecified, not knowing who Neo expects to find waiting for him on the other side, if anyone. Let him draw his own bittersweet conclusions. “When you see them, tell them I’m sorry. That I couldn’t help any of them. I-I’ll… I’ll try to make it up to them. T-To their families, if I can find them. I’ll spend my life making up for… f-for living, when none of you did, so please… please, forgive me.”

They don’t sound like they can forgive themself.

Shinobu pulls away from Neo, still trembling with tears. They gently shrug Akira’s jacket off themself and offer it to Neo. Whether or not he accepts, they walk away, returning with the album of theater photos and their own luggage bag that they had prepared before the trial. One by one, they remove certain items: A few pictures of lost loved ones on the theater stage, in memories no one can recall. A long braid of blonde hair, weaved together because Akira had spoken of the ways her family memorialized each other. A music box, which Shinobu winds up and leaves playing on Neo’s podium.

Regardless of whether Neo takes anything, the message is clear: Shinobu will let go. They’ll let go of the ghost that’s been whispering to them all this trial. They’ll let go of heavy mementos that threaten to drag them deep into the ocean. They’ll let go of Neo.

They know this won’t be enough to sever them from those feelings, and they know they will struggle with their guilt for years to come. And it’s not like they’ll leave empty-handed; they’ll still be taking the rest of the photos and everything else still in their bag. And they’ll try to leave with one more memory.

“Can you… leave a video for me? On my tablet. Just… talking. To me. I-I just… want to be able to hear your voice and see your face again. I don’t want to forget you, Neo.”

Exchanging one set of painful mementos for another. It was lateral progress, but progress nonetheless.

As soon as there is a free moment, Shinobu wraps Neo in another hug and keeps him there, still crying quietly as they touch their forehead to his, brush their lips against his hair, bury their face against his shoulder – every profound gesture of familial love they can muster, every farewell they were unable to give any of those who’ve died before him, packed tight but gentle into such a tiny space of time.

The moment will not last forever no matter how much they wish it would, and they want to absorb what little is left of his warmth and remember it. They want to remember Tsuneo Enjou.

[The video opens quietly, sombrely. The atmosphere is crushing, painful, deep down under.

And yet the blonde faces it all with a weak smile. “H-Hey, it’s… You might not remember me long after this, who knows? But I’m… I’m Neo. I’m Tsuneo Enjou. I don’t… know how long I have to say this but… I just want the world to know I was loved. That even though I tried… tried to push so many people away, I still… found people who loved me… who I loved… And I’m glad that if you’re seeing this, it means that they’re okay. So I’ll keep smiling a bit longer, because that’s just the kind of person I am… I’m Nutty Neo, and that means I’m always gonna smile when the going gets tough. So thank you all for listening… and be good people. Peace out.”

It ends.]

[A second video, more personal, more sincere.

“Shinobu… thank you. I haven’t been… the best little brother around… but you’ve been the sole hope left in this cruel life. I want… I want nothing but the best for you… for you to live so long and happy, even if it hurts now. You’ll be fine… I know you will. You’re the best big brother a silly guy like me could ever wish for.”

He wipes away tears, forcing his voice to hold steady. “The road ahead won’t be easy. I don’t know if there even is much of one but… you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. Let the waves crash against you, build yourself up so much stronger again… When life finds a way to burn us, rise from the ashes like humanity’s phoenix… Heh, I always wanted to say that…”

“Thank you. Thank you for being here in my short life… for touching many other lives and I know you’ll go on to touch so many more. One day, when you’re old and grey and I’m sure you’ll still hold onto this somehow… I hope you’ll remember the good times… that there will always be somewhere you can come back to, once it’s all over. I will… we will be waiting.”

A whisper, so much stronger than anything, “I love you, Shinobu-niisan. Never forget that.”’]

[deckspair]

#frogbot2020 || Bots || RE: Shinobu

“…Key first.”

WellnessBot didn’t move.

“If you have it, Matsuba-kun, then how do I know none of you won’t let me escape, beep?” they chided. “This is insurance, beep!” 

“And if you’re let free? What will you do then? The ship w-will explode no matter what. …What are both of you planning?”

Both of the Bots look at Shinobu with surprise.

“Well, kero!” FrogBot huffed, stumbling over their words in a hurry to speak first. “If you all let me live, then I’ll go! I won’t even bother you, kero!  Why would I want to die, kero? Why would you want to kill someone else, kero—”

“FrogBot has a tracker from V-Tan0va built into them, beep,” WellnessBot cut in, cold and cheery. “They’re out of range right now, but the second they’re close enough to land, V-Tan0va will find them and whoever is with them, beep.”

FrogBot spluttered.

“The ship coming towards us,” WellnessBot continued, voice softening, “if it’s not V-Tan0va, then there’s only one other thing it could be, beep.” They glanced at the class. “I don’t want FrogBot anywhere near that, beep.”

[deckspair]

The Kerolution Will Not Be Civilized | Shinobu | re: bots

Oh what the actual fuck was this? Shinobu was on high alert throughout the argument; when FrogBot suggested executing Mizuo and Neo, Shinobu clutched the latter protectively close to them, ready to attack the robots themselves if it came down to it. The proposal was quickly shot down (and speaking of shooting down, shinobu realized that whoops, they had completely forgotten they had stolen Law Kiyuu’s gun, and currently it laid in a drawer in the Avocado dorm), and WellnessBot made their true intentions clear.

Was this some kind of trap? As much as Shinobu didn’t care about what happened to FrogBot, they didn’t want them to die if they still had some usefulness. They clearly knew more about the shuttle than anyone else. Then again, was letting them live a liability? They had just said they didn’t want anyone here to live, after all.

“...Key first.”

Even if WellnessBot refused, it was worth a shot. It was in slightly more trustworthy hands being with WellnessBot than with FrogBot, but it would be even safer far away from the duo entirely. Shinobu would feel better if one of their classmates held onto it while this matter was sorted out.

Regardless of the answer, they addressed FrogBot next.

“And if you’re let free? What will you do then? The ship w-will explode no matter what. …What are both of you planning?”

Even if they were robots, they were still clearly sapient, filled with emotions and thoughts and fears. And they hadn’t given any indication that they were prepared to accept death any time soon.

[deckspair]

tfw no deaths || Trial 6 End || ATTN: Everyone

“Well, then, kero!” FrogBot clapped their hands together, their wide grin at odds with their flat, almost defeated tone. “That’s that, I suppose. The end! Congratulations, kero! You win, you go free.”

They made a show of handing WellnessBot the key to the ship, sweeping their arms out in grand flourishes and taking a deep bow. 

WellnessBot took it, rolled way from FrogBot, and paused. “The end, beep,” they mused. “But… no trial is complete without an execution, is it?”

FrogBot stilled. “Kero?”

“This trial can’t end without an execution, beep,” WellnessBot elaborated, smiling. “But, beep, based off of the most recent results, Enjou-kun and Suido-kun would be the next winners, wouldn’t they?”

“A double execution, kero?” FrogBot sounded out slowly, watching WellnessBot warily.

“Not quite, beep! They voted for the Mastermind, and it just so happened that she’s already dead, beep. But there is someone here who worked with her,” WellnessBot said patiently, as if they were explaining this all to a small child. “You, beep.”

“I’m not her, kero! You can’t— the vote doesn’t work that way, kero!”

“It doesn’t, beep?” WellnessBot’s display screen flickers into one of feigned alarm. “But if she was the Mastermind, and she acted through you at times, then what does that make you, beep? Aren’t you the closest thing left to the Mastermind, to your precious Akatsuki, ‘kero’?”

FrogBot’s mouth fell open, sneering into an expression of rage. They made to leap at WellnessBot, but one of WellnessBot’s arms snapped out, stretching farther than normal to wrap around them like a snake choking its prey.

WellnessBot turned to the class, arm squeezing tighter and tighter around FrogBot, their expression bright and unbothered. “Beep beep! Since neither of us can make up our minds, let’s have the students vote on it.”

A notification flashed across all the tablets in the room, presenting a new vote.

“Should FrogBot die?” > Yes > No

[deckspair]

queries and concerns || Trial 6 || RE: Shinobu, Chouko

WellnessBot took the lanyard, nodding their acknowledgement of Shinobu’s command.

But- what th’ hell’s gonna happen to us? We go up there, get booted off th’ ship, then take one step out, and choke on rad-gasses?”

FrogBot shrugged. “You get out, kero! I don’t care what you do, where you go. You think you can stay in here, kero? Even if I wanted you stupid tadpoles to live — which I don’t — the ship is set to blow, kero! Stay, and you’ll go out in a blaze of glory. Leave, and you’ll go out in a less fun and dramatic way, probably, kerohoho!”

They looked subdued now, dimissive and apathetic.

“What was that Matsuba-kun mentioned, though,” WellnessBot spoke up, “about a ship heading toward us, beep?”

“A ship, kero?”

“It wouldn’t be V-Tan0va,” WellnessBot said slowly, “Otherwise you would know about it, beep.”

“If it’s not V-Tan0va, kero, then I don’t know what it could be, kero. You must’ve misread something, Matsuba-kun! Few even have the tech to go underwater these days, kero!” Their eyes darted around the room, shifty.

[deckspair]

Merde || Chouko || Trial 6 || RE: No One in Particular || TW for slight suicidal thoughts

War. Apocalypse or whatever. Yadda yadda yadda. Family... dead. Yadda. Yadda. Chouko was trying so hard, so hard in her head to convince herself that she didn't care - that she could be apathetic as always, turning a cold shoulder to the problems of the world and showing them that she wouldn't crumble under their weight. But this wasn't just weight. It was unbridled pressure. The full force of ten pachyderms using you as a stepping stone. An anvil plummeting from high above onto your gut. Being chained to the bottom of the ocean, crushed under it's weight and gasping for the air that would never come.

Chouko choked back a sniffle, pulling her two coats further around her, almost as if she was cocooning herself in a security blanket. At least for Kosuke and Law, she had these mementos. Fragments of memories, something tangible she could just... have. To keep them with her. But if what was being said held any weight to it, then her mom was... gone. And all she had was this badge, a memento of her father, who she wished she could forget. The cop had thought that maybe, just maybe, she'd come to terms with everything. And she had. But now, at this moment, that badge felt so wrong again. She just wished it was something of her mother's. Something she could hold on to and whisper to, that maybe her mother up in the great blue beyond would hear.

She took the badge off and let it fall to the ground, clanking against the floor a few times. Then, she spoke up. It was kind of quiet, like she was trying to force herself to stay low, otherwise she may start - well, crying, to put it bluntly.

" So- that's it, then? My f-... my family's dead. Th' world's fucked. And we're s'posed t'- t' just head out there? " She shrinks back, realizing what she just said, and then casts a pretty apologetic-looking glance at the others in the room. Except Evangeline, who she seems to SCOWL at. Her family was alright, huh? Chouko felt like shit to go back to her old ways, given what she'd learned about care here... but she couldn't help but feel cheated. Mad. At any rate, she continues her thought.

" I know we were all fightin' to go free. I know. But- what th' hell's gonna happen to us? We go up there, get booted off th' ship, then take one step out, and choke on rad-gasses? ... Wouldn't bother me. I got nothin' anymore. Nothin' left. But you- you guys. Fought t-too hard t-t' let that happen, ri-right? "

Near the point where she said she had 'nothing', she forced herself to look down, now leaning forward and letting her podium support her. Her back heaved with breath, and it was clear she was deliberately hiding her face to mask something. With how her tone faltered toward the end, you probably wouldn't get any points for guessing exactly WHAT she was trying to hide.

[deckspair]

yeet those feelings | Shinobu | Trial 6.14 | re: bots

“Alright. Final favor: WellnessBot, when you’re done here, take this and go talk to Lindy. They’ve been wondering why you haven’t visited them.”

Shinobu took off their lanyard and, in one of the few athletic feats they had been able to show off while trapped here, threw it across the room and back to their own, abandoned podium.

“…I don’t know what uploading their program would even accomplish now. They… they seemed more interested in having an actual body. I-If they still want the card used like that, go ahead. Do whatever they want a-as long as they aren’t interfering with us. Just – I don’t know. Tell them I’m sorry that I couldn’t figure out how to help them, either.”

That bitterness remained. Couldn’t save them. Couldn’t save anyone. Shinobu hadn’t even been attached to Lindy the way they had been attached to their classmates, and yet their self-loathing compelled them to chalk this up as yet another failure.

Shinobu hesitated, still clutching their Frog Voucher, and decided not to claim it just yet. They had a few things in mind, but… they didn’t want to make a hasty choice, just in case some other urgent matter happened. They did only get one favor off this, after all.

[deckspair]

questions? questions! || Trial 6 || RE: Shinobu

“…do either of you know where Lindy’s keycard was supposed to go?”

“Kero? You mean that pesky little moth?” FrogBot asked. “Nope!”

“If you plan to save their program onto the keycard, then I would assume you insert it into the keycard slots of the flower pods, beep,” WellnessBot said. “Those are the only places I can remember right now where you can insert the card, Matsuba-kun.”

“If you’re asking about a body, then…” WellnessBot paused. “I would have no idea, beep. They were never built a body, beep, and I guess SpiderBot… SpiderBot ran out of time before they could build one, beep.”

“…and… do I still have a rain check on the third, um… the third Wellness favor? And is my second Frog voucher still unclaimed?”

“You do,” said WellnessBot.

“Yup,” said FrogBot.

[deckspair]

Loose Ends, Frayed Edges | Shinobu | Trial 6.13 | attn: All

Shinobu expected that sort of reaction. They didn’t even grumble as the justifications poured in, simply closing their eyes and sighing heavily. At least… at least it seemed to have been enough to earn the survivors’ freedom. What they did with that freedom would be up to them – as a group, and as individuals.

What… what was the plan now?

“…I put a-a suitcase near the shuttle. Filled it with medicine. And seeds. I also… I remember there being oxygen tanks in the… the topsoil theater. I… wasn’t sure it was safe to take those, or if they’re even filled up, so I l-left them there, but…”

They hadn’t spoken directly to any one person, but hopefully the survivors would pick up on the importance of such resources. The diatom lab had been full of endangered or even extinct-in-the-wild seeds; it hadn’t occurred to Shinobu that they needed to secure seeds of common crops, too. If… if there was enough time to make a detour, they’d have to grab what they could from the other labs, too. Or maybe even take the oxygen tanks… although, er, trying to flee into unknown territory with highly flammable tanks aboard a tiny enclosed vessel seemed a bit risky.

Was it riskier than hoping they didn’t end up somewhere where the air was completely unbreathable? Personally, Shinobu just slightly preferred that over potential death by fire. They had not forgotten Minnie or Ukiyo-maemi.

Shinobu tried, unsuccessfully, to calm themself by running their hands along fabric. They still wore her jacket – and they were aware that it probably didn’t make the others comfortable to see it. Shinobu themself wasn’t sure how comfortable they were with it. But shedding that jacket would be a conscious effort, a deliberate statement. They knew it was the “correct” choice, rather than clinging onto mementos of someone who had hurt and betrayed them so deeply. They just… they just needed a little more time. A little longer, to find their strength.

Their hands left the jacket, trailing towards their neck instead. The lanyard. The card.

Oh.

“...do either of you know where Lindy’s keycard was supposed to go?”

Would it be worth a detour, trying to give Lindy a body now of all times? Was it even something that Shinobu wanted to do? That bitter part of them figured that at least getting Lindy out of here meant that Shinobu had been able to save someone on this ship because, because, no matter how hard they tried not to think about it, they still—

They grimaced, realizing these were entirely too many detours to take in too short a time. What was their voucher situation, again? It had blurred together at the end.

“…and… do I still have a rain check on the third, um… the third Wellness favor? And is my second Frog voucher still unclaimed?”

They glanced around, looking at everyone but the robots; if the second Frog voucher was still good, they would allow anyone to take it for questioning, up until the last minute. At that point, Shinobu would cash it in for themself. Shinobu had no trust for the robots… but if the class was careful in delegating tasks and didn’t put them near prime sabotage spots, they could gather a few last supplies and minimize whatever further damage the robots could do.

[deckspair]

here we go again || Trial 6 || RE: Shinobu

“So, what? Are you telling me that personally torturing Nakamura-san was your doing? Independent of her? H-How much else wasn’t her idea, either? The so-called executions? Or was that still hers and you just overstepped the line? Do the people know V-Tan0va dabbles in all this, too!? Heroic pirates of the people, torturing children just to punish them!”

“Kero? Well, yes! It was entirely independent of her, kero. Everything else, though— she stood by the executions, and she stood by the game, but for some odd, strange reason, she just couldn’t stand by the unique, special, individual torture. How silly, kerohoho!” Their shoulders shook in exaggerated mirth. Just as soon as they started, they stopped, though they were still beaming.

“You make an interesting assumption, Matsuba-kun, thinking that people up there would ever care about Hope’s Peak’s precious children at all, kero! You: sweet, precious tadpoles who never choked on ashes or starved on dirt. You: sheltered, protected children who lived a life of safety and plenty. You: the very people who lived a life of safety and plenty under the protection of the organization that was killing us all, kero! 

“Why would anyone care about that, kero?”

“And you! You, saying how horrible it is that they turned the snail into a commodity – isn’t that exactly what Hope’s Peak is doing to the survivors? Y-Yes, everyone who is able to should work to help rebuild… but leaving those who aren’t able to rot? Secretly hiding a handful of people on luxury shelters without giving the rest of humanity so much as a warning to what was coming!? I know y-your so-special directive was only to protect a couple dozen kids, but do other lives mean that little to you? To the scientists, to the academy? You’ve turned air into a commodity, for fuck’s sake!”

“I am what I was made to be, Matsuba-kun,” WellnessBot said serenely. “Or, at least, I was. I was only charged with improving and maintaining the wellness of passengers, and now, thanks to SpiderBot’s reprogramming, that’s no longer even a priority. If it was, I would already be dead, beep.”

[??? Box] Inside a plain, black box decorated with a purple cross are written directives: “MUST NOT KILL OR HARM. MUST NOT ALLOW PASSENGERS TO DIE.” Underneath that is a photograph of WellnessBot surrounded by a crowd of fairly young adults in lab coats, all smiling.

[Note To Self] On a sticky note is a reminder to ‘Reprogram W.’

Their voice hardened. “I don’t need to care about the rest of humanity. That isn’t my obligation, and that isn’t my job. It never was, beep.” They paused. “And don’t blame the scientists for Hope’s Peak Academy, Matsuba-kun. They were doing their jobs: preparing for possibilities and conducting research. The majority of them had no idea what Hope’s Peak could even have been planning.”

“…and… and what now? You wanted us t-to learn the full the full answer? The whos and whys and hows? A summary?

...

Is that what you wanted us to know?”

FrogBot’s grin was the same as ever. So was WellnessBot’s pixelated smile. 

“Kero? Well, it looks like you got it, Matsuba-kun! What do you think, WellnessBot?”

“That is what happened, isn’t it?”

“Congratulations, kero,” FrogBot crooned, swaying back and forth. “You got it, Matsuba-kun! Isn’t it great to be right, kero? Aren’t you just a winner, Matsuba-kun? Kerohoho! Anyone got any other questions, kero? After this: you’re free to go, kero! Free to die, free to drown, free to choke: I don’t care, kero! Why would I?”

[deckspair]

and forever i will hate you, and forever i will love you | Shinobu | Trial 6.12

[ CW: Self-deprecation. Excessively rude and cruel behavior towards other characters. Suicidal ideation under the cut ]

Did that count as another use of the voucher? Shinobu wasn’t really sure. They were kind of bad at not wasting all their questions on small clarifications and rhetorical questions, as their handling of WellnessBot’s post-feast offer had shown. At least it did line up with the follow up Shinobu had been planning.

Hearing the true robots argue, though… It dredged up those feelings Shinobu had been too numb to express immediately. They quietly walked over to where Neo was, holding his hand as the two of them were name-dropped again and again, the facts on blast for everyone to hear: Whatever Akira had felt for the class as a whole, she had grown sentimental in spite of her crimes and her mission. In particular, those two had become siblings to her (and Shinobu immediately downplayed it, because why them? FrogBot must only have meant her and Neo – everyone could see that).

And there was still that uncertainty: How much of that love was genuine, given all that had happened? Were they really family to her, or just substitutes for the ones she lost? When Neo confided in her about his struggles with illness, was she truly listening to him, or did she only see and hear Jean?

“A-Am I supposed to be happy hearing this?”

As shameful as it was to admit it, they were just a little happy to know that she really did care about them, one way or another. It meant that perhaps they were a little more than just an easy pawn to manipulate. It came with its own price, though: Knowing that apparently Shinobu was part of the reason she fell apart at the end. They couldn’t ignore that they were hearing this from FrogBot, too, who made sure to mock her for it while they could.

That last comment, dismissing what they had put Kosuke through, was enough to reignite those muted feelings. A flashover. An explosion. Anger, bright and hot and so unbecoming of Shinobu that it felt too similar to how Junshu and Neo burned out.

Nonoka always did compare them to a phoenix, after all.

“So, what? Are you telling me that personally torturing Nakamura-san was your doing? Independent of her? H-How much else wasn’t her idea, either? The so-called executions? Or was that still hers and you just overstepped the line?Do the people know V-Tan0va dabbles in all this, too!? Heroic pirates of the people, torturing children just to punish them!”

Some horrifying realization grazed the edge of Shinobu’s thoughts: Even if they did find out, they probably wouldn’t care. If terrorists were the only groups freely distributing essential resources for survival, people were unlikely to question where those supplies came from. Who would care about a bunch of privileged kids they’d never met before, when their own child was starving and V-Tan0va was offering them a free meal?

That was a concept to grapple with another time, when (if) Shinobu made it to the surface. For now, they kept their anger laser-focused on those in front of them, and those not present. Voice on the brink of shattering completely, they turned their sights on WellnessBot next.

“And you! You, saying how horrible it is that they turned the snail into a commodity – isn’t that exactly what Hope’s Peak is doing to the survivors? Y-Yes, everyone who is able to should work to help rebuild… but leaving those who aren’t able to rot? Secretly hiding a handful of people on luxury shelters without giving the rest of humanity so much as a warning to what was coming!? I know y-your so-special directive was only to protect a couple dozen kids, but do other lives mean that little to you? To the scientists, to the academy? You’ve turned air into a commodity, for fuck’s sake!”

The world was a distant blur, as if the walls of the ship had broken and all that remained was the vast and empty ocean. All that Shinobu could perceive existing right now was themself, and their anger, and their memories. All they had left was a ghost whispering in their ear, equal parts pitying and envious. Why was Shinobu, weak and cowardly, the one to have survived out of billions?

The person they were most angry at was themself. But the robots and Akira came pretty close after that.

“The w-worst part is…? I can’t trust either of you. I don’t want to hear this from either of you! You’re both just projecting your own feelings on wh-whatever she was thinking, trying to make up reasons why she did what she did because she can’t say it herself, and that’s – that’s all we can do! That’s all I can do!

Why isn’t she here to say all this!? Why didn’t she stay here to explain it herself – confess, or lie, or justify it, or any of that! Were we not worthy of it? Not worth it for her to even show up!? Or did she really care too much, and she couldn’t bear to face us? Is that what you mean by me ruining her!? Is that why I didn’t deserve to say goodbye to her, to anyone else!?

Tell me! Why am I still alive!? Why me, why not all the other people here who mattered!? Was it just because I was a favorite? Or because everyone hated each other more than they hated me? Or is it because I was lucky and fortunate, like she always said? If I’m so lucky, why is my family missing? Why didn’t anyone else think they were worth saving!? Why was… why am I… w-why was I the one worth it…?”

There wasn’t an answer to any of that. Even if she was here, there wouldn’t be an answer for something like that, and Shinobu knew it. They didn’t say all of that expecting any sort of response. They had descended into screaming for the sake of it, in lieu of taking these revelations in stride.

The ocean, vast and cold and full of the decay of humans, stayed silent.

Their energy had been spent. Screaming, sobbing, venting. They burned themself out on the injustice of all that had happened. Hope’s Peak picking and choosing who deserved to live. V-Tan0va taking their anger out on children who hadn’t even asked to be saved. Akira killing every one of them before herself dying before anyone could make her answer for it. Shinobu surviving. Not living, not thriving, but simply not dying, even though they’d been an easy target from day one.

Even if there was no closure in it, there was finality. This was all they would ever have, and they could either get on that shuttle and leave, or let it all end here. Shinobu wavered, having emptied themself of all their strength with their outburst. Subtly, they grasped the nearest podium with their free hand, trying to steady themself.

“…and… and what now? You wanted us t-to learn the full the full answer? The whos and whys and hows? A summary?

A th-third world war happened. H-Hope’s Peak knew it was coming but was more concerned about protecting its donors than humanity. We were sheltered too, but our loved ones – most of our loved ones – had to fend for themselves. V-Tan0va contacted Akira-kun, or she contacted them, a-and they gave her the resources to… to murder us. They took our supplies and left her a robot and a directive. Six of us died in th-the raid – the rest of us had our memories repressed and were put into the pods until it was convenient to let us out. A-And now there’s some mystery ship heading towards us and I don’t know if it’s V-Tan0va coming to finish the job or Hope’s Peak trying to cover up our existence.

Is that what you wanted us to know?”

It seemed Shinobu was done talking in circles. The sooner the class got out of here, the sooner they could pick up the pieces.

And yet.

A thought came to them, so clear, so lucid. It hurt in how sharp it stood across the blurred world around Shinobu, and it hurt that it felt like more than just an intrusive blip on the radar, not worth further consideration. It hurt that it stuck in them so easily:

Do we really want to leave?

It… It didn’t scare Shinobu as much as they thought it would. Thinking something like that, and then thinking of a plan – it didn’t scare them. It would be fast. Faster than whatever torture V-Tan0va would inflict on the survivors, faster than withering under Hope’s Peak’s cruel commands, faster than suffocating and starving on the surface.

(Faster than the one final elephant in the room, the one last topic that Shinobu refused to be the first to speak about, but—)

But.

In the next clear, sharp, lucid thought, they knew. If there was even a chance that home still existed out there, even if under the heel of the academy, then Shinobu needed to go find out what happened to their family. Even if just to say goodbye. Because if there was one thing here that had been consistent, it was that Shinobu had missed every single chance to say goodbye to the people here who mattered. The people they loved, they people they hated, all gone before Shinobu could tell them how important they had been to them.

(And—)

And if their family still existed out there, if there was even one Matsuba or Marukichi still alive, then Shinobu didn’t want to put them through that, too.

Shinobu leaned towards Neo, careful not to put much weight against him. They just needed physical contact for now, some proof that, for just a little while longer, there were people in this world that might still love Shinobu, unconditional and without pity or hate. And they wanted Neo to know the same went for him.

Just a little while longer. Please.