deckerstarincorrectquotes - Tumblr blog

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Linda: Top reasons to get married?

Lucifer: Firmly saying “That’s my wife!” and knocking someone out in one punch.

Linda: ...

Lucifer: And love, I guess.

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Chloe: Can you turn the lights on?

Lucifer: I don't have to, you're the only light I need in my life

Chloe: Lucifer, I can't see

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Lucifer: Would you like to play 20 questions?

Chloe: Sure

Lucifer: Ok, you go first

Chloe: Hm, what's your favorite color?

Lucifer: Triangle, my turn, wanna have sex?

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Amenadiel: Why is Lucifer crying on the floor?

Maze: He’s drunk.

Amenadiel: And...

Maze: He saw a picture of Chloe’s boyfriend.

Amenadiel:

Amenadiel: -but he's Chloe's boyfriend.

Maze: I fucking know.

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Lucifer: I have no heart. Love is for fools. I’m Lucifer bloody Morningstar who don’t need no woman in my li-

Chloe: *breathes*

Lucifer: Well fuck.

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Chloe: *kisses Lucifer*

Lucifer: What is this?

Chloe: Affection.

Lucifer: Disgusting.

Lucifer:

Lucifer: Do it again.

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Chloe: There were some girls saying I couldn’t be a princess in kindergarten-

Lucifer: Names

Chloe: What???

Lucifer: Tell me. their. names. I just wanna talk.

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Lucifer *flexing*: Do you see these arms?

Lucifer: Wii Sports Resort

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Chloe: Hey, how would you like your coffee?

Lucifer: As dark and bitter as my soul.

Chloe: one glass of milk coming up

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Lucifer: *with his arm in the door of a vending machine* I’m the smartest, most skilled, engineer in this place.

Chloe: Are you stuck in that vending machine?

Lucifer: I paid for my Cool Ranch Puffs, I’m getting my Cool Ranch Puffs.

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*Lucifer accidentally brushes Chloe’s hand with his own*

Chloe: *agressively holds Lucifer’s hand] Fucking commit to it!

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Trixie: I refuse to eat the ghost broccoli

Chloe: It’s called cauliflower, now would you please just eat it???

Trixie *stabbing the offensive vegetable to scrutinise it*: No, I know what I’m seeing here. This is DEFINITELY a ghost broccoli

Lucifer: I don’t want to eat ghost broccoli, either

Trixie: Yeah, that’s just GROSS!

Chloe: It’S jUsT cAuLiFlOwER-

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Chloe: Lucifer, I need some space.

Lucifer *tearing up*: Are- are you breaking up with me?

Chloe: No, Lucifer. I need some space on the damn bed. I’m falling off.

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Lucifer: *hands Chloe a water bottle*

Chloe *drinking*: Thanks, but what's it for?

Lucifer: I heard from Ella that you get thirsty around me.

Chloe: *chokes on the water*

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Chloe: *watching the news* Lucifer, have you heard? Somebody tried to fight a squid in the local aquarium!

Lucifer: *covered in ink* Well maybe the squid was being a dick.

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[during a couples race]

Amenadiel: *carrying Linda bridal-style jogging a little and talking calmly with her*

Lucifer: *hurls past carrying Chloe over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes; they are both screaming*

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‪Linda: So, what did we practice you would say to Chloe?‬

‪Lucifer: “Will you go out with me tomorrow night?”‬

‪Linda: and what did you say to Chloe?‬

‪Lucifer: I accidentally told her to suck my dick.‬

‪Linda: HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY TELL SOMEONE TO SUCK YOUR DICK?‬

‪Lucifer: I PANICKED!‬