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I Dream of Jeannie - animation by Friz Freleng (1966)
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"It's not a race"
Is what my mom said to me when I finally worked up the courage to call her the day after my younger brother told us that he and his wife were expecting.
I knew she'd say something like this. Some well-meaning platitude that would cut me so deep without her being aware. She never struggled to conceive. She didn't go through multiple losses and years of pain. She tries to understand, but she can't.
I didn't want to talk to her.
Which is rare. I call her with every inconvenience, every commute home, every time I'm stuck in traffic. She's my first call (sometimes even before my husband) when I leave the doctor's office. I always want to talk to her.
But in this instance I knew she'd say something hurtful without meaning it. I wasn't ready for it, so I put it off.
It's not a race.
Of course I KNOW this isn't a race. I know that whenever I am blessed with a living child it will be the right child at the right time. My brain knows that life isn't a race to be won. This isn't a competition.
But I had an idea in my head that my child would get to be a first grandchild. I was the first grandchild on both sides, and I relished in being special. My brother in law and his wife had their first son last year, and I felt like I'd "lost" that side. But I still had my family! My child could still be the special first! Now I feel such an intense loss of that for my unborn, maybe never will be born, child. A life that I had envisioned for them will be different. No less special, no less good, no less love, just different.
These moments that hurt the most are the moments that can't be planned or controlled. I have worked hard to achieve every goal I've ever set for myself, but I can't out work this one.
But...
It's not a race.
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