death-is-a-simp

[death-is-a-simp]

(This post is brought to you by the fact that tumblr are, hilariously, claiming that 50% of current users are gen z, and i wanna see how accurate claim that is.)

Edit: so far it looks like there are way less Gen X than I thought there were on here, and way more Gen Z. Huh. How about that. Colour me surprised.

[death-is-a-simp]

American horse girls hitting it off with mongolian ranchers is one of the funniest rednote things so far. There's an above zero chance that the next generation is going to feature at least one kid whose parents met that way. Imagine it being 2045 and someone's having a conversation with their parents like

"Son, why do you not have a wife? Your mother was not even on the same continent and I seduced her with my fine stock and excellent horsemanship."

"Dad do you have any idea how statistically unlikely that was?"

[death-is-a-simp]

Kaz: “As the son of a Merchant Council member, you really should be more careful with where you choose to play. Might not be many park trips left if you keep running off.”

Eight-year-old Conor Fahey: “As an old man, you really should be more careful with your haircuts. Might not have any left.”

Kaz:

Kaz: “You need to stay away from Nina.”

Conor: “Aunt Nina lets me go to whatever park I want.”

[death-is-a-simp]

@mxmortea 🫡

part 1

-

Steph, just getting home after a long day of school and work: im home mom…is there food in the fridge?

Steph:

Steph, going to the kitchen: mom?

Bruce, guiltily standing to the side while Crystal attempts to save their burning dinner:

Steph:

Steph: i told you not to let him cook

Crystal: i folded the moment he looked at me with those eyes

Bruce: 🥺

Crystal: he only visits once a week

Crystal: i haven’t grown immune yet

Bruce, perking up: i can-

Steph: no.

Bruce, immediately deflating:

Steph:

Steph: …twice a week. that’s it.

Bruce, perking up again: thank you, angel 🥹

Crystal: looks like you aren’t immune either

Steph, embarrassed: mom!

Duke, in the principal’s office after getting into a fight:

Principal: i am aware of the situation with your parents

Bully, smirking:

Principal: …do you have anyone else i can ca-

Bruce, bursting in: im here!

Principal:

Bully: *pales*

Bully’s parents: *pales*

5 minutes later

Duke, shyly: thanks bruce

Bruce, squeezing his shoulder: no problem, sunshine

Barbara:

Jim:

Bruce:

Barbara: …bruce. what are you doing here.

Bruce: family dinner

Barbara:

Jim:

Bruce:

Bruce: i brought pizza

Barbara:

Jim:

Bruce:

Barbara: …just go get a plate. and grab me a drink.

Bruce, running off with a smile: sure

Jim:

Barbara:

Jim: i should just let him have you

Jim: im feeling sorry for the guy

Barbara: wow dad, im really feeling the love

Bruce, back again, holding Barbara’s favorite smoothie: here you go, honey

Barbara:

Barbara: where did you even get this

Bruce: the smoothie place

Jim: that’s two blocks away

Bruce: i know

Jim: you were gone for thirty seconds

Bruce: i know

Jim:

Jim: so do you want ketchup with that or-

Jarro: 😄

Bruce: i’d kill myself for you, love

Jarro: …😧

Wally West-Grayson: so this means you’re our dad now huh

Bruce:

Koryand’r West-Grayson: you are the father!

Bruce:

Dick: guys what have you done

Wally: ?

Kory: ?

Dick: now you’ll never escape…

Wally & Kory: ???

*Kory’s baby pictures suddenly appear everywhere in the mansion*

Kory: 😧

*Wally’s first paycheck is framed next to Dick’s*

Wally: wtf

*Kory’s first tooth is found and displayed with the rest*

Kory: 😧

*Wally’s Kid Flash costume spawns in the batcave*

Wally: wtf

Bruce, pulling Wally into a hug: welcome home, precious

Bruce, kissing Kory’s forehead: welcome home, princess

[death-is-a-simp]

@oh-tobeafrog thank you for inspiring me with this galaxy brain take on my two favorite marvel heroes :)

original post here

[death-is-a-simp]

Bruce, actually being genuine and concerned: why are you still single

Jason, offended: i know you did not just say that

Jason: you? of all people?

Jason: being gotham’s most eligible bachelor for 30 years straight isn’t a compliment

Jason: the public only votes for you ‘cause they have daddy issues and they like silver foxes

Jason: but youre not even a silver fox anymore, youre an arctic fox

Jason: no ones’s lining up for your wrinkly ass

Jason: god forbid they find out youre a furry too like damn

Bruce:

-

-

Talia al Ghul, watching them from the window, covered in blood after taking over the LOA so that she, Bruce, and Damian can ride off to the sunset together:

Selina Kyle, next to her, holding Grace Kelly's $38.8 million Cartier ring as an engagement ring to Bruce:

Harvey Dent, in therapy for Bruce:

Superman, rearranging the stars to make a Batman/Bruce constellation:

Wonder Woman, picking out wedding dresses (for Bruce):

Hal Jordan:

Hal Jordan: what

Hal Jordan: im not in love with mr dark and brooding

Hal Jordan:

Hal Jordan, screeching at the other Green Lanterns to stay away from Gotham because Bruce didnt want anyone messing with it:

Ra’s and Joker, dead, still pining, but mostly dead:

[death-is-a-simp]

In which Damian isn't very fond of Tim, but they lowkey (highkey) start getting closer because he finds out Tim has fed and named a bunch of street cats around his apartment. Their bond is held together by a bunch of ratty old cats.

Tim, opening the door: "Damian? What're you doing here?"

Damian: "I request Michael's location."

Tim: "He should be sitting on the fire escape two floors down."

Damian, already pushing his way into the apartment and to the window: "Thank you Drake!"

Tim will occasionally see Damian outside his building just sitting in a pile of cats- and sometimes even Jerry the racoon- and takes pictures to send to the boy later. He makes sure to update him with what's going on with the cats.

Damian, talking on the phone: "Yes, yes, I see. And Persephone? She is well?"

Dick: "Dami, who are you talking to at" *Checks watch* "11pm? You should be asleep right no-"

Damian, turning to him and holding up a finger: "Shush, Grayson." *Turns back* "Did Jerry come by? And what ever happened to Beatrice's eye?"

Dick: 'Who does he even talk to besides Bruce and I?? When did he get friends? When did he get so caring of them? Why am I so out of the loop??'

Later, Dick snoops through his room and finds a bunch of pictures with him surrounded by ugly cats and sometimes raccoon, and is familiar with the building they're taken at. He immediately face palms because that makes perfect sense.

[death-is-a-simp]

It’s basically a given, but Jesper is a finger-guns bisexual and Wylan is an awkward-thumbs up gay

[death-is-a-simp]

Baby Tim’s first snow

—-

Bruce, looking at Tim in one of those puffy baby winter coats, hat, gloves etc: Do you think he’ll be warm enough?

Jason: hmmm

Dick: add another scarf

Bruce: you’re right.

—-

Cass, sitting in the snow, Tim in her lap: it’s cold isn’t it?

Tim: *baby babbling*

Cass, bringing a handful of snow up to Tim: Do you wanna play with it?

Tim, grabbing the snow: *shoving a fist full into his mouth*

Duke: a natural already

—-

Alfred, carrying Tim inside: master Timothy, it’s much too cold for you to be outside still

Tim: *fussing*

Alfred: almost as bad as master Damian

Damian: I was wonderful

Alfred: …

Jason, tossing a snowball towards Damian, hits Tim instead: oh fuck

Tim, gets really quiet:

Jason: I’m sorry little dude

Damian: you will pay.

—-

Dick, watching a tv show with Tim in his lap:

Tim: *sneezes*

Dick: BRUCE!

Bruce, rushing in: WHAT? ARE YOU OK?

Dick: I think Tim has a cold now

Bruce: I’ll have Alfred keep an eye on him

Alfred, appear out of nowhere: perhaps you should blame master Jason, seeing as he snowballed the master Timothy

Dick: I see…

Bruce: I can’t have Jason dying again

Dick: you could bring him back??

Bruce: it’s still bad for my reputation.. do you know how often JL members ask if all my kids are still alive?

Tim, doing grabby hands to Bruce: Dada!

Bruce, grabbing him: Alfred and I will be in the batcave

Dick: what?? Give me back Tim??

Bruce: he clearly wanted his dada

Dick: you are ruining my life!!

[death-is-a-simp]

Bruce in collage loved to dress feminly and do his make up and became weirdly good at doing female voices. But because of the batman and other life things he goes though he drops all of this.

Jason: *Burst into the room where the fam is just chilling* Yall I have found a gold mine

Dick: And that this?

Jason: So Roy has given me the greatest gift-

Steph: Removing that stick up your ass

Jason: Fuck off no, he raided Ollies room looking for what ever and found this *Holds up a tape*

*Everyone looks at it curiously*

Jason: This is Bruce in his collage years

Bruce who was sitting on the couch reading the paper minding his own business is now very alert of the whole situation, worried that his son has gotten a hold of a sex tape incrementing photo of him. mean while everyone eager to see what is on the tape

Bruce: Have you seen what's on it? *Starts sweating nervously*

Jason: Not yet, thought we as a family could have some bonding time. And would you out father, the man who want all of us get along really ruin this bonding moment for us

Dick: Yes Bruce, we are having some much needed family time

Damian: I do not believe that seeing Father in collage would warrant bonding time. Tim: Especially since he's a drop out

Jason: I may not have seen what's on here but Roy has and he told me it was well worth it.

Bruce is getting ready to jump to break the TV as Jason sets up the tape so they can all see what's on the tape

Que a video of Bruce drunkenly dancing on a stage like stripper dressed in the whorish thing known to man with make up that looks as if it was done by a professional. Oliver could be heard cheering Bruce on while Bruce sings to Material Girl.

All the batkids are absolutely shocked by this their eyes glued to the TV.

Tim: *Whiping his mouth after spitting out his coffee now being more awake then he has been in weeks* Damn Bruce I didn't know you where a raging femboy in Collage the hell?!

Dick: Or such a... talented dancer

Bruce is hiding behind his paper trying to avoid the gawking stars of his kids

Steph: More importantly who ever is singing is so talented give more air time to the chick singing Ollie! *Steph yells at the TV like he could hear her*

Bruce: That's me

Jason: I'm sorry what was that Bruce

Bruce: I'm the one singing

Batkids: Huh?!

Steph: WHY HAVE WE NEVER SEEN THIS SIDE OF YOU

Bruce: It's not that important

Dick: Not important Bruce! This is the most important thing. More so did you do that make-up yourself?????

Bruce: Yes

Steph: Do mine! Bruce do my make-up right now or I will commit mass murder

Bruce: I uh Steph that really isn't ness-

Steph grabbing reaching to grab one of Damians swords who is now getting ready to fight Steph

Bruce: Steph stop, alright I'll do your make-up

They all then spend the next few hours letting Bruce do full glam looks on them, while they listen to Madona. Damian even got in on it after pretending he is only doing this because Dick says he gets in on more family bonding time, but he is the one that keeps the look on the longest totally not sending photos to Jon to make him jealous

[death-is-a-simp]

like talking to a brick wall (lovingly)

[death-is-a-simp]

Not enough Timbern content on this site (I've been getting Timbern content all day) so I decided I needed to fix that, so I present:

Jason and Dick would ABSOLUTELY try to embarrass Tim / intimate Bernard, Bruce would try to shovel talk him, but Bernard is such a freak he scares them back harder.

—

Jason, spinning a gun around his finger as he sits in the same room as Bernard, who sits waiting for Tim, Jason looming over him in all his 6'5, over 200 pounds of pure muscle glory: So, you've really hit it off with Timmy, didn't you?

Bernard, not even looking up from his phone: I definitely thought so last night.

Jason:

Bernard:

Tim: Hey Ber! Ready to go?

Bernard: Yup! Nice meeting you, Jason :D

—

Bernard: Tim doesn't call you Dad?

Bruce, who just came to the Tim's house boat to get first aid, now glaring at Bernard: No.

Bernard: Weird.

Bruce: Well—

Bernard: He calls me it.

Bruce:

Bernard:

Tim, walking in with the med kit: Did I miss anything?

Bernard: Nope.

Bruce:

—

*Cue Tim and Jason in his houseboat after patrol ended early*

Jason, trying to pick the lock: Yeah, Tim got handcuffed by that magician we were chasing down.

Bernard, holding a mug: Damn, those are a lot better than ours. Can we keep them?

Tim:

Jason:

Bernard, slowly sipping his coffee while making direct eye contact with Jason:

—

*At a family dinner Bernard was invited to*

Tim: That's Dick for you, everyone loves him.

Bernard: I definitely know you love dick.

Bruce:

Jason:

Dick:

Cass:

Duke:

Stephanie:

Damian: Why has everyone gone quiet?

—

Dick: I swear if you ever hurt Tim—

Bernard: What if he's into it?

Dick:

Dick: Excuse me?

Bernard: I think you understand.

Dick:

Bernard:

—

[death-is-a-simp]

Something that just came to mind.

Tim sitting with one leg up at the bat computer during a meeting “shit, Steph can you pick up some of my foundation I’m almost out”

Jason turned with a frown “Why do you wear make up?”

“eh To many triggering scars on my face” Tim points to his face in a exaggerated motion. “I would show you but I don’t want you going all rage zombie on me”

A strangle noise of confusion or sympathy escaped dick “Why would Jason be triggered?” He said while approaching Tim

Tim roatated in his chair waving his hand around in a circular motion “Well most people find a permanent smile horrific dick”

[death-is-a-simp]

Jason finds them stuffed in a broom closet (yes yes, Bruce knows it’s a cliché, shut the fuck up) at a gala.

If anyone asks, yes, Bruce does blame Clark. I mean, the man has super hearing and he couldn’t hear the 14 year old coming toward them? Bullshit.

Now Jason won’t allow Clark anywhere near Bruce. Even worse, he somehow roped Dick in to keep Clark away from him. It was just a little makeout session, no biggie.

“Jason, sweetheart, let Clark in.” Bruce said tiredly, glancing up at one of the huge windows in the manor just to come face to face with a pouting Clark. He looked like a kicked puppy.

“No! He can’t come in!” Jason insisted fiercely, grabbing one of the curtains and running across to close off the window from Clark. Not that it worked. Clark just flew over to the window right beside it and pouted even harder, letting out an audible whine of sadness. “I’ve gotta protect you Dad!”

Bruce massaged his temples and turned to his first child, unimpressed by the smug expression on his face. “Fix this.”

Dick blinked, his eyes widening as he tried to display faux confusion. “I haven’t the faintest clue what you mean Dad.” Dick said lightly, a wide grin slowly taking over his face.

“I know it was you who corrupted your little brother.” Bruce glared, ignoring the sound behind him of Jason running around trying to close all the curtains he could reach. “He was perfectly fine with Clark coming over before.”

Dick shrugged his shoulders. “I’m telling ya, it wasn’t me.”

Bruce lets out a loud suffering groan, grabbing the scampering little 14 year old as he tried to dart by.

“Jaylad, your brother has graciously decided to volunteer and babysit you while Clark and I go to the movies like we planned.” Bruce said in a sickly sweet voice, grabbing Dick’s arm and stopping his escape. “Isn’t that right Dickie?”

Dick cursed under his breath as he takes his little brother in his arm, doing his best to try and ignore his happy cheering. “You suck.”

“Right back at ya kid.” Bruce smirked, grabbing his jacket and opening the door, his expression softening as he came face to face with the bright smiling face of Clark. “Ready?”

“Of course!” Clark grinned, gathering Bruce in his arms as he floated off the ground, grinning even brighter as Bruce pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

[death-is-a-simp]

clark comes over to the manor so much that all of the kids just assume clark and bruce finally realized their feelings and are dating

dick giving a lecture to the kids: do not say a word to them, act like it's normal. we don't want them to get scared of their feelings and break up. this is the healthiest relationship bruce has ever been in.

whenever clark gets to the manor, the kids will always coincidentally disappear (they're lurking and watching them)

after 11 months, at dinner, steph turns to bruce and clark and asks: so what day is your anniversary? i was thinking of planning a party.

bruce stops mid-bite: our what?

clark blushes the deepest shade of red

steph: your anniversary? you know the day you started dating?

clark, sheepishly: we aren't dating

the whole table erupts into chaos

tim: what-

jason screeches: you AREN'T?

bruce: why would you think we're dating?

jason: OH I DONT KNOW, maybe because you two hang out 24/7, clark literally flies from metropolis to gotham almost daily just to see you, you have tons of inside jokes, and stare at each other like no one is watching, you also flirt in every single interview you do. WHY WOULD WE NOT THINK YOURE DATING?!??

bruce and clark: oh...

[death-is-a-simp]

[death-is-a-simp]

Newly Robin Tim: Thanks for bringing me to my appointment, Dick

Dick, regretting not being closer to Jason but still avoiding Bruce as much as possible: No problem

Dentist: Timothy?

Tim: *goes back*

Dick: *chilling in the otherwise empty lobby*

Dentist: Hey, Dad, are we fine with using fluoride?

Dick: *barely 21, only 9 years older than Tim*

Dick: I— uh— I’m not his— I’m not dad

Dentist: Oh, sorry about that! I’ll just see if he has in the past, no worries!

Dick: okay

Dick, internally: Do I really look old enough to be his dad??? Does she think I would’ve been a teen parent???? Is she surprised I stayed????? Am I a GOOD dad???????