dearmmemoir-blog

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Dates continue

Dates - Guy who I texted for two or three weeks and finally met in person.It was good at first but by the end.. He seemed to be more interested in his phone than me. Decided to be friends

(NOTE: change of tatic MEET WITHIN A WEEK OF TALKING TO SOMEONE ON ONLINE DATING APP)

- Social worker dude who had dark past. We saw each other for a couple of weeks but he was also interested in his phone than me when we hung out  - Sweet witty guy who liked music and movie. He was able to make reference to movies and music. I’m not sure if we vibed or not - I thought it went well. But so far no follow up dates; it’s been a couple of weeks - Snowboarding enthusiast whom I talked to for 3.5 hrs about snowboarding, work, and other random stuff - but mostly snowboarding. No follow up text or dates 

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Potential Guy #8

Turned out he’s a crazy motherfucker... Who can’t take rejection. Initially told him I didn’t feel the connection, it seemed like he took it well I suppose. Then he continue to text me - blocked him. 

He started to message me on WhatsApp and added me on Snapchat. I told him something along the line ‘I don’t know why your messaging me or what your intentions are.. But I have enough friends in my life and I’m not looking to expand”

Crazy “Wow, okay. Rude but okay”

Me “I am not interested in chatting. I’d be much more comfortable if you didn’t reach out to me.”

Crazy “ Such a dishonest person but I hope you get the help you need”

Some people are terrible at taking rejection.. 

Jeez what a psycho

[dearmmemoir-blog]

Digging through past relationship in a nutshell

2019.09.19

I am back after being absent for so many years.. I want to document people I’ve been with (no sexually). The list includes people I’ve had flings with, dated, and been in relationship with.

I was a late bloomer when it came to relationship. This may be because I wanted to discover myself in high school and mentally was not in a good place. I guess I didn’t want to bring anyone into my “mess” and complicate things. Also, I didn’t want to open up to someone. I wasn’t ready for that. 

Guy #1 So the first guy I ever had a fling with.. At age 19 It was destination fling but I thought it could be more than that. He was first guy in my life whom I thought I was romantically involved with. So young and so naive. He was older and wanted some young ass I suppose and I was that. How convenient. 

Guy #2 After the heartbreak from the Guy #1... I missed the attention I got from a guy so I resorted to online and found this guy. I didn’t know this at the time but he was already in a relationship at the time. My friends on by behalf did some research on this guy and found few things about him. SERIOUSLY IF YOU’RE GOING TO CHEAT ON SOMEONE HIDE YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA... I was dumb and enjoyed the conversations I had with him. He was older than by 8 years. I think I was 20 and he was 28. I know I should have stopped when I found out he was involved with someone else but I didn’t. We continued to have this long distance emotional affair. Later, his (now ex) wife found out and we temporarily ended things. Over the years, we stayed friends even though he has told me I am his “the one that got away.” 

(Random hookups - During uni I went out drinking with friends a lot and made out with bunch of people and none really worked out. I remember this one particular guy.... I’m not sure if we went on a date or not but he came over and told me he only had one ball.. Maybe this guy doesn’t really count???  - FWB)

Guy #3 We met at work and we had maybe two or three months long affair. He broke it off and I cried. I was sad and didn’t understand why it didn’t work out. He said it was him not me - who know whatever that means. He went away or something or whatever detail I can’t recall. I think he was the first guy who slept over at my house. My parents were away. I think he texted him saying he was drunk was not able to drive all the way to his home so he slept over. When I moved out he booty called/texted me. Can’t remember how that went though. He said we should hang out but that never happened and its been awkward ever since then hahah.. 

(DATE - one date with someone was blue collar. Nice guy but didn’t vibe with him - saw this guy twice; first went for lunch date and he came over the second time)

Guy #4 I had few months to recover from above “breakup” and went back onto the dating world. Met a guy who was still in uni even though we were the same age - no big meal. I think we dated for two or three months. I think he maybe ghosted me? or told me he was busy during the holiday season and never got back to me? Honestly can’t remember the details and that was the end of this one

Guy #5 This is the guy I talked about in the previous post.. Thought he was love of my life and we would spend the life time together. I WAS DAMN WRONG. We started off as FWB then moved onto being in a relationship and went back to FWB. Then we were going to be friends since there were no bad feelings or we had bad breakup.. But he was being an asshole so I stopped being friends with him. (I did a lot of self care and try to improve myself... To love myself like I loved him and care about him. It’s a on-going process)

(DATES - one with some didn’t know what he did for living. He had a cat that was jealous)

Guy #6

After being FWB with the above guy.. I want to think I was dating this guy for another two or three months.. I’m not 100% sure. It was okay but the best. But I got to try new things with him so that’s not that bad I suppose. This jerk also ghosted me one day. AND AND GET THIS!!!! One day, he texted me and I texted back (classic) ‘who dis?” He said “Its me (insert name). You deleted me you jerk.” I didn’t reply. WHY WOULD I KEEP YOUR PHONE NUMBER??!!!

(DATES - went on a hiking date with someone who lived 2 hours away fro the city I live. He woke up at 5am? to meet me for hiking at 7:30am. He was nice but conversation died off after meeting him)

Guy #7 Took few weeks or months off between Guy #6 and found this guy online. He always available to text and we talked a lot for two months. He was always busy with work and I just wanted to hang out with me.. I think he basically gas lighted me and told me i was making him feel guilty for not hanging out with him... It was very strange. So I ended it 

(DATES: - a couple with bald guy - one with a lawyer that only lasted for 20 mins - one with a amateur poker player/hustler went for a drink - few with a plumber - went on speed dating event with a friend - one with some blue collar; went for bowling and dinner after  - two dates with a guy who was millwright - went on two dates with a Scottish guy. We had good conversations - one with French guy which turn into something else but not dating - Potential Guy #8.  We started talking not too long ago and been on two dates so far. So it’s hard to say if it’ll last long. We shall see. I’m not sure why but I don’t like him to touch me. Maybe it’s because I’m not physically attracted to him? He seems like a good guy, I know I should give him and myself a chance to get to know him and see how things go... But I don’t know. I’ve never felt super uncomfortable to be touched by a guy I went on a date with. 

I THINK THIS IS IT.. I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYONE ELSE

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After 2.5 years later

I've been away from this blog for almost 2 years now... A lot has happened within that time.. I invited him over for family dinner at my parents house, had really bad mental breakdown, I moved in with my boyfriend, visited his family in Ontario, and.... We broke up. A little over two years of dating and living together we broke up. He broke up with. He said he loves me but he was no long in love with me.. I don't know what that means but that's why he broke up with me. Before we started dating, I knew he had this dating pattern where he would date someone for somewhat long-term then breakup around 2 year mark.. I hoped it wouldn't happen to us.. It did. The worst part of all is.. When he told me he was no longer in love with me.. It was too late for him to change his mind.. Too late for us or me to try to change his mind. We are still friends.. More than friends.. Best friends who have sex with each other. I am still in love with him. I still feel very strongly about him. I want him to come back, fall in love with me again and stay that way forever... At the same time, I don't want to get in the way of him to find someone.. He is my love, my home, and my safe place. I did everything to show my love for him and I still do.. I don't want much, I want to feel like I'm loved. Not just any his love... (To be continued)

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I knew I was in love with you when I realized you became my inspiration to be a better person

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2015.08.30

I thought about it a lot whether or not I love him... Because to me.. “I love you” means so much and it’s not something I throw it around. A lot of thought goes into determining if my feelings are true. Even when I am certain, I never know if what I am feeling is love or just deep affection toward someone. 

Then I had this realization - life is too short; everyone deserved to be loved. 

So here it is... 

There is no doubt I am scared to express my feelings toward him, tell him that I love him. I am scared that he will not feel the same way and freak out and eventually push me away. However, if his words and actions were true... This, that fact I love him, will not be a surprise..

Fuck standards that we set for ourselves; how to behave, how long we should wait to do certain things in a relationship, etc. I think we set those walls to protect ourselves from getting rejected because the pain outruns the risk we have to take. But how will we know if we do not come clean and face what is true.. ultimately how we feel about each other... Then what’s the point?

I am going to take this risk and see how it goes. I have a very strong feeling that it will go in the right direction.. Maybe something magically will happened and surprise me.. May be or maybe not but who knows..

P.s. He’s away in little “camping” trip where he has no reception in his phone.. I haven’t talked to him in two days.. Yes, it has been only two days.. I don’t know how to explain this feeling that I’m feeling... It’s weird. I miss him so much. My heartaches and makes me sad.. I AM SO LAME.

[dearmmemoir-blog]

2015.08.13 Thursdays Afternoon

Last weekend was fun. It started on Thursday evening. I packed my belongs including my fan and went over to His house. I can’t remember what we did.. other than we cuddled for a bit and did some naughty stuff. 

I didn’t have to go to work the next day - took a personal day for physical and massage. He didn’t have to go to work because.. let’s say he’s in transition.. And it happened to be music festival weekend(Friday&Saturday). 

When I got back to the house after my appointments guess what was waiting for me?? My sweet sweet man made bacon wrapped asparagus. Ahhh how can you not fall for someone who knows you’re constantly hungry. We ate asparagus with Chicken...? I can’t remember if it was chicken or steak or fish.. It’s been few day. Anyways after we ate we went to the gym and worked out for a bit. I had crappy day at the gym. But it’s better than no working out. 

Long story short, I had a blast at the festival with my man and couldn’t have ask better way to experience my first rave. Food from FOOD TRUCKS WERE DELICIOUS!!

Today is Thursday, it has been few days since He left for his trip. I know he is having a great time. I miss him tons and he does too. I appreciate every effort he’s making to talk to. He wrote “I’m smiling at my phone like an idiot talkin to you haha” I am starting to realize how much I spent my day talking, texting, and hanging out with him. I enjoyed every single moment. I’ve fall for him head over heels and it actually feels good to admit it. I just have to tell him.. I’m kind of scared to tell him this because I don’t want to freak him out and scare him away.. We’ll see how things are when he comes back. 

[dearmmemoir-blog]

2015.08.04 Tuesday After Long Weekend/Birthday Weekend

I don’t quite remember where I left off... I think I mentioned going out for early dinner on Thursday. 

On the day of his birthday, I went over to his house after hanging out with my girlfriends. We drove to our destination and met up with his coworkers. Some of his coworkers are young - late teens early 20s, and some our closer to our age. 

Note: Here’s what I noticed with “younger generation” and I am also guilty of this sometimes... They are constantly on their phone - taking pictures to post it on social media, on social media checking out what other people are doing or texting their friends. Okay.. Here’s a thing. As technology get more advanced we are more connected to more people more than ever virtually however we are losing sense of physical human interaction. Think about it.. Here you are hanging out with your friends and suddenly DING you get something on your phone. What do you do? You check your phone. What’s other people doing? Looking around... It’s sad how people are forgetting what it mean to live in the moment.

Going back to what happened.. The younger crowd were on their phone and not interacting with us and we had few drinks, and talked. 

More people came by and we drank some more - I drank water because I was DD. Long story short. The boys got drunk and we went to a club, danced for a bit, smoked and socialized and I drove everybody home. 

Saturday was a lazy day, Sunday was outdoorsy day and Monday was time to say bye.

I’m not sure how long we’ve been dating. But I don’t care when our anniversary is because I’ve never been this content with my relationship. Also, I’ve never been so comfortable and feel free to be myself. He makes me happy, inspire me to be healthy.. I don’t know something about him makes me so relax. 

I don’t know if I love him or not but that doesn’t matter to me either. I care for him so dearly and I know he does too and I think that’s all matters. That we both know we enjoy each other accompany and want to do whatever makes the other person feel special and happy. I think that’s the most important aspect of having a good healthy relationship. 

[dearmmemoir-blog]

2015.07.31 First Letter

Dear Me:

I decided to start writing this blog mainly for me. To look back and say “oh you.. You’re such an idiot for doing this or that” 

Let’s face it. I’m not physically coordinated with my body.. Yes, my own BODY.. Sometimes I have trouble even walking around. So imagine how great I am with interacting with other people. 

I will reveal about my past here and there but I am not, I repeat I WILL NOT dump all my dirty laundry in one post. 

Right now at this moment.. I’m sitting at my desk at work waiting for time to FLY BY so I can get off and enjoy long weekend~~~ It’s beautiful outside and I have few things planned for this weekend. 

First of all, today’s is my boyfriend’s birthday. We went out for lovely dinner yesterday because he has to work late today. I am suppose to meet him later and go out for drinks with his colleagues. Tomorrow we’ll probably be hung over so won’t be doing much other than going to Costco for grocery shopping, gym (maybe), and shooting - this is part of my birthday present to him. On Sunday, we’re heading to Banff and Lake Louise! 

To correct what I wrote earlier. This blog will be mainly about my.. so call “love life.” 

Anyways I’ll try to remember as much as I can and update you.