dearlorenletters

[dearlorenletters]

Dear Loren,

Dear Ate Loren,

Wow, another year gone by already. The years just seem to be coming by faster and faster. But here we are, 18 years today since you left us, and the memory of you still lives on.

So much has happened since I last wrote to you, since I last thanked you for saving my life in the accident. Well, you’ll be glad to know that I most definitely have been trying to live my life fully, and whole-heartedly. The best thing happened to me after the accident, and I met the love of my life. His name is Robbert and he’s kind, sweet, and extremely funny. Sometimes it hurts to think about how you would never meet or know him, because I know you would really like him. He has brought so much color into my life, and is one of the biggest reasons why this year has been absolutely incredible. Sometimes I think about how if I had died, then I never would have gotten to experience love in this sort of way; so I’m so thankful, so thankful to be alive, living and thriving. Wow, I’m starting to tear up right now thinking about the accident again, and just how grateful I am that you’re my guardian angel, always looking out for me, and for the family.

Speaking of family, we all went to the Philippines this year to celebrate the holidays. I wish you were there, physically I mean. I think you would have really enjoyed it as well. I’m sure you know this already, but it was the first time we were all together in the Philippines since your funeral. The first time we were all together at your grave since we buried you. It brought back a lot. I could definitely feel your presence while we were having mass by your tombstone.

The library that we set up in your name is also doing very well. We’ve heard great stories about the students’ experiences at the library. It felt surreal being at the library, as if I was transported back in time. Remember all those encyclopedias we used to have back at the old house? The brown ones and the ones with the different colors? Or all our old stuffed toys? Or our Barbie dollhouse? Yeah, they’re all in the library now, so if you’re ever feeling nostalgic, then you know where to go. haha.

Everyone in the family is doing extremely well. Dad is still teaching at the college, Mom’s business is thriving, Kuya is moving to New York where Sadia is currently attending Columbia University at the Graduate School of Journalism, and Lorel and Tim have some big plans coming up this year! This often makes me wonder about where you would be at this point in your life? Would you be married? Have kids? What sort of job would you be working? Well, I guess we will never know, but this I know for sure: no matter what or where you would be, I know you’d be touching the lives of the people all around you. Because that’s just who you were: just so kind.

Ate Loren, I miss you so much. I have been thinking about you all day today. Today I honour you, and I honour your life. You will never be forgotten. I love you.

Love always,

Your sister,

Loubelle

[dearlorenletters]

Dear Loren - 2019

Dear Loren,

I don’t even know where to begin… well, I guess I should start by saying thank you (if I haven’t already said it enough times…)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for saving me.

This week has been incredibly emotional for me, and I’ve felt your presence all around me. I have no doubt whatsoever, that YOU were there. I walked away, practically unscathed from the accident because of YOU. Literally, every single person, be it the doctors at the hospital, the policemen at the scene of the crash, or the driver that hit me, have all said that my life is practically a miracle. I cry as I write these words because my heart aches so much at how much I miss you; and at the thought of the purpose of why you lost your earthly life so soon. Was it partly because you could save mine?

It’s been 17 years, which in numerical terms seems so long ago, but in reality, these 17 years have gone by in a blink of an eye. It only feels like yesterday that I was talking to you, you on the top bunk, me on the bottom, listening to Westlife as you recounted your days at school to me whilst we both eventually fell asleep.

I was always in such awe of you, Loren. And when you died, your love for the world around you was made manifest when diverse communities and people across borders and countries came together to honor your beautiful life. I’ve felt a small fraction of this love over the past week. Messages, phonecalls, personal visits, flowers, and cards have been pouring into my life from all across the globe. Mom told me today that it was almost as if she was re-living part of the experience from when you died, but of course, not to the full extent. The past week has been such a beautiful reminder of how far love transcends, beyond borders, and beyond nations. And this week has reminded me so much of you (for obvious reasons) but I also find it uncanny how close my accident occurred to the anniversary of your death. I get chills and goosebumps just thinking about this.

Of course, you know this already, but my healer told me a few days ago that you and I are walking similar paths. I can’t even begin to describe how this statement made me feel, but I know you saved my life for a reason. I have work to do here on this Earth, I know I do, and I want you to know that I am doing what I can to lean into this experience, and feel into the presence of my own body. I can already feel the shifts and transitions occurring within me. I have been told that I am on this beautiful path of healing, and as I begin to illuminate the light within me, that light will begin to shine through and touch others. And this is how healing spreads. I have been given new life, Loren, because of you, and I will do what I can each and every day to honor not only my life, but yours as well.

Kuya came to visit me two days ago, and I finally got to go back into the city since the accident. It was so wonderful to have him come see my “new” home here in Maastricht, and meet some of my closest friends. I know this experience hit him really hard, and I could really feel his love and protection for me. We lit a candle for you, and for me. And he kept telling me how thankful he was that we were lighting a candle for the reasons that we were instead of you know what. Mom is here now taking care of me, and Dad wishes he could be here. He still calls me every day. Lorel has also been emotional through this experience. She called me a few days after the accident, crying, telling me how thankful she is that I’m alive. She’s right, you know. She’s not the only one who has shed tears for me. So many of my friends have Facetimed me practically balling their eyes out after learning about the accident. But I’ve also cried a lot, because I’m so emotional and almost any little beauty of a moment brings me so much gratitude, and my heart (and tear ducts) just swell up.

Thank you, Loren. It is comforting to know that my path and life is being protected and guided. You really are my guardian angel. I miss you more than you can ever imagine, and I long for the day again until we meet again, although I know I came pretty close on that Saturday afternoon. But alas, it wasn’t time yet.

So until then, please know how much I love you.

Yours in love,

Your sister,

Loubelle

[dearlorenletters]

on the eve of my 27th birthday.

Dear Loren,

You have no idea how much spending my birthday with you this year means to me. This past year has been such a whirlwind; filled with so many new experiences, new people, and new emotions. If you would have told me last year that I’d be spending my next birthday in the Philippines with you, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. It’s crazy to think how much can change from year to year.

The last time I celebrated my birthday with you, you were still alive. It makes me sad to think that I actually can’t remember the exact details of where that was; most probably a birthday party at McDonald’s or something cause that’s what the cool kids in Al Ain did back then. LOL! It’s been so long since you left us, and yet I still remember so much about you as if it were only yesterday. For some reason, the older I get, the more profound the impact of your death has on me. It does make sense though. I think that as you grow older, you start to realize how short life is, and you pay closer attention to the “little things in life” that bring you happiness. Things like a beautiful sunrise or sunset, or being able to hear the sounds of the birds chirping. You also start to realize what is most important. And to me, that’s love above all else. Love for myself and love for each other.

The world is going through some dark times right now, Loren. Stories of pain and families being separated plague the news. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and I can feel the shifts in the energy around me. But I do have hope because I can also feel compassion growing among us. Now more than ever do we need to rise together. More and more people are no longer turning away from institutionalized forms of harm and dehumanization. The systems that cause hurt and place limits on groups of people are being more widely challenged and questioned. More and more are we starting to understand that the world we wish to live in is created by our collective voice and movements. Although it would probably break your heart too, to see what is happening in the world today, I think you would also be hopeful, and you would be a part of this collective movement as well. You were always so kind, and your heart so big. I like to think that I love as hard as I do because of you. Because of what your death represented: that time is so fleeting, and life is too short.

Well as for any updates, everyone in the family is doing well. The last time we were all together was December 2016; so yes, it’s been a while, but we’re all going to be reunited again this August so you know that I’m definitely excited for that. I wish you were joining us, physically at least, because I know your spirit is always with us regardless. In the mean time, we all seem to be meeting up in different parts of the world. Mom and Dad came to visit me in The Netherlands back in February and I’m now here with Mom in Cebu. I came to Manila about two months ago to see Kuya, and Kuya and Lorel saw each other last month when she went to go visit him in Montreal. I often wonder where you would be in the world at this time in your life. Europe? Asia? Canada? I guess I can only dream about visiting you in different parts of world, and it’s in those thoughts and dreams of where the memory of you will continue to live.

I love you so much Loren, and I miss you more than any words could ever describe.

“Happy birthday Loubelle” – words I can only imagine you saying to me on this day.

With so much love,

Your sister,

Loubelle

[dearlorenletters]

Dear Loren - 2018

Dear Loren,

16 years. I can’t believe it’s been 16 years since you left us. It’s hard to believe that all this time has passed. It seems so long ago, and yet I still remember everything that happened in 2002 like it was only yesterday.

I still remember picking up that phonecall to Kuya’s panicked voice asking to speak to Mom & Dad. I still remember watching Mom, Dad, and Lola Nelly rush out of the house without so much a word of an explanation. I still remember Dad coming home that night and sitting Lorel and I down with the most somber look on his face telling us what had happened to you… that you were laying in a coma, in the hospital after being struck by a car in front of Choueifat. I remember Dad telling us that we probably weren’t going to go back to school for the next couple of days at least, and that we would get to visit you in the morning. I remember seeing you in that coma for the first time at Al Ain Hospital. I remember crying. I remember the pain. I remember the next two weeks and the sleepless nights at the hospital, and all the uncertainty that was looming in the air; but most especially I remember the outpouring of love from everyone in the community, not just from Al Ain, but from across the entire country. People coming to visit you, hailing in from places as far as Dubai, Abu Dhabi, and Sharjah.

Love, love, love, and just so much love. You left your mark in this world, Loren. We all saw the impact you had on everyone in your life when you died, and I know that it was because of your heart. Similar to Lorel, I like to think that I love as hard as I do because of you. Because of what your death represented: that time is so fleeting, and life is too short. I’ve really been thinking about you so much lately. Not sure if it’s because my life has been going through some major transitions over the past few years, or that sometimes I find myself in these dark spaces and I wonder what you would say to me as an older sister. Or perhaps it also has something to do with this journey that I’m on.. this journey of self-love and self-discovery as I’m striving to live my life with more purpose and intention. I don’t know what it is, but regardless, you’ve been on my mind and I miss you. I really do.

I’m not one to live in the past, but sometimes I can’t help but wish you were still here with us. I often wonder where your life would have taken you. You were so smart and so kind, that I know whatever you would have set your mind to, you would have continued to affect the people around you in the most positive and beautiful way. I hope we make you proud. Everyone is doing so well now. Lorel just became a CPA, Kuya is now engaged and working at McGill University, whilst Mom just passed her Immigration and Consultancy Exam, and Dad is coming up to 10 years of working at the college. As for myself, well I’m living in Europe now getting my Master’s Degree although I’ll be moving to Hong Kong in a few short months. Again, I guess I’m just trying to figure out where in this world I belong, I suppose. Lorel and I have plans to travel together this summer and it’s the first time we’ll be traveling as adults together. I wish you were coming with us. I think that that would have been so fun. But one can only dream, and in my thoughts and in my dreams is where the memory of you will continue to live.

Although I was so young when you died, I still have vivid memories of you; and to be completely honest, one of my biggest fears is that one day, I’ll start to forget. This is why I honour your memory today, so I can keep you alive within me. This isn’t the first letter I’ve written to you, and it certainly won’t be the last.

So until next time,

I just want to say that I love you so much Loren; and wherever you are, I hope your soul is at peace.

always & forever,

your younger sister,

Loubelle

[dearlorenletters]

15 years

January 22, 2017

Dear Loren,

I wish you could have seen the events that unfolded at the Women’s March here in Montreal and around the world yesterday, in protest and in defiance of a newly inaugurated leader who brings so much shame and disgrace to the highest office in the United States. 

It’s going to be a long four years ahead but seeing the diversity of the crowd that came out yesterday by the thousands in Montreal and looking through all of the photographs and videos from similar marches and rallies around the world where upwards of an estimated 3 million people gathered in total, I know you would have been right there making sure your voice was heard.

And it would have been a loud and passionate voice too, strong with lots of moral integrity and conviction behind it. 

As we spent the early afternoon out in the cold at Place des Arts in downtown Montreal, I imagined the type of fierce woman you would have grown up to be, the causes that would have resonated with your being, and the issues you would have been willing to stand up and fight for. 

In many ways, following the tumultuous US presidential election that concluded back in November last year, yesterday’s turn of events was the first time I had felt hopeful again of the world we live in. 

And today, I know millions of people feel the same way as well. The challenge now is to translate all of these marches and rallies into concrete and sustained actions every single day these next few years. 

On a more celebratory note, I got engaged this past fall to the most incredible woman in the world. 

After dating for almost two years, I took Sadia to Quebec City in late October where I got down on one knee and asked her if she’d like to spend the rest of her life with me. In between all of the happy tears, she said yes. 

We would have given anything to celebrate this engagement with you. 

Deciding to stay and plant roots in Montreal was also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. 

Earlier in 2016, I accepted a job offer at McGill where I oversee a number of entrepreneurship programs at the university, working with some of the most incredible people, startups and founders. 

And for this, I’m incredibly grateful.

As time passes, Montreal begins to feel more and more like home. Sadia and I continue to build a wonderful community of friends and good people across this city. I could see the both of us living here for the next little while. 

This time next year, I also hope to be writing this letter to you in French. 

Until next time, love you forever and always.

Kuya

Proud of #MTL for turning up by the thousands to stand up in solidarity for the #WomensMarch. A long and tumultuous road ahead. There's no doubt we're fired up, ready to go. - January 21, 2017

#WeThePeople #WomensMarch #Manifdesfemmes - January 21, 2017

This photo pretty much sums up our experience at #WomensMarch #manifdesfemmesmtl #MTL - January 21, 2017

[dearlorenletters]

January 21, 2016

Dear Loren,

14 years. Feels like the past 14 years went by in the blink of an eye. And yet, it was also a lifetime ago. Your lifetime.

I live in Montreal now. The last time I checked in with you, I was only visiting. This time, this city is now home.

It’s funny, I never thought I’d end up in this city. And yet, for all the talk of Europe these past few years, Montreal is the closest thing to Europe that I have come across without actually having to leave Canada. Except maybe for Quebec City, but that is another story altogether.

The food, the language, the culture, Montreal would have been your kind of city. Same goes for Paris, New York City, and Budapest.

Especially Budapest. I know this for a fact as the entire family, Mom, Dad, Loubelle, Lorel, and I, were in Europe this past summer and Budapest was our favourite city throughout the entire trip. We had a great time but we missed you greatly. We still do.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself these past few years as well. It started with being a lot kinder to myself, recognizing that I would never treat a close friend the way I have treated myself in the past.

It then went on to fully embracing and loving myself with kindness, graciousness and generosity. It’s easier said than done as insecurities have a way of coming to the surface every now and then.

I also met the love of my life towards the end of 2014. She has brought so much joy and happiness to my life, I can’t even begin to describe how centred I am when I’m with her. You would have loved her and I’m sure she would have loved you in return. We celebrated our one year anniversary last month.

There are so many times when I look at her, it makes me sad that she’ll never get the chance to meet you. There is still Loubelle and Lorel that she can get to know, reprising the role of Até, or big sister, that you once had not so long ago.

14 years to be exact.

Life does move on and sitting here at the St. Joseph Oratory for the past few hours reflecting, I’m ok with that. I still maintain that I wish heaven had visiting hours, it would make moments and days like this just a little bit easier.

Love you forever and always,

Kuya

Oratoire Saint-Joseph du Mont-Royal Montréal, Quebec

Al Ain, UAE Circa 1990

[dearlorenletters]

"I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time" - Banksy

January 21, 2015

Dear Loren,

I've been wanting to write this letter to you all day.

I'm sitting at a café here in Montreal and all Ive been doing is staring at a blank page on my computer screen not knowing what to say.

I then take a step back and I'm reminded why I started writing you these letters in the first place five years ago.

Five years ago, I was unsure of myself and not quite sure where my personal life was headed alongside my professional career.

Writing to you was the only way I knew how to make a connection with you, since you always had great advice for me when we were back in high school in Al Ain. 

Writing was a way for me to keep your memory alive and also one of the ways I knew how to document and share my life’s journey with you.

As if you were right here sitting across the table from me in this café catching up and sharing laughs over an inside joke or two. Where the both of us were simply two people catching up since it had been a while since we last saw each other.

Was it over the late summer or early spring of last year when we got together over drinks in New York City? I can't really tell anymore as time flies given how busy we both are with our individual lives.

Good god, I miss you.

For the better part of 2014, there were so many times when I wanted to simply reach out and share things with you, to let you know that things were getting better. 

For the first time in a long time, I am finally at a point where I am feeling centred, content and even excited about the direction my life is heading in as I approach my 30's.

What I would give to be able to reach out to you through text, a simple nudge, or even a quick phone call or two to let you know how things were going on my end, what new discoveries I had made along my travels, and to even let you know that I had met the love of my life. 

As I begin to put the turbulence of my 20's behind me, I'll be using all of the lessons I've learned over the years to take my game to the next level.

I can’t help but imagine how proud you are of me and how far I've come along. What I would give to hear you tell me that in person. I know Mom, Dad and your two sisters would do the same as well. 

I'm excited to mark the beginning of a new decade and for all of the adventures ahead. 

Sending you all of the light, laughter and love that I have.

Yours forever and always,

Kuya

All of us in Thailand, circa 1998

[dearlorenletters]

12 years

January 21, 2014

Dear Loren,

12 years later and I wish I had something more inspirational and profound to say.

There is a quiet peace inside of me knowing that I am still here in 2014, fighting and alive, and ever present to continue to make you proud. 

We only have one life to live, we might as well make the most of it while we're still here. 

This was something I kept on telling myself this past year, even though there were many times I didn't believe it myself.

2013 was by no means easy. Compared to the pain of losing you in 2002, it ranks up there as one of the most challenging years I've had to go through. 

And yet, here I am still standing.

You've just got to push through. You've got to keep on fighting. 

And Im a fighter.

And I know that you were too. 

Deep down, I also know you were with me every step of the way this year, whispering in my ear, "No, not yet. There is still so much work left to be done."

I just had to find the courage inside of me to live. The courage inside to let go. To let go of past failures, to let go of insecurities and open myself up and become vulnerable.

The philosopher Seneca once said that sometimes even to live is an act of courage itself. 

And so, I choose to live.

I recognize that choosing to live means choosing to grow as a person, to open myself up and become vulnerable, while giving myself permission to experience a range of emotions, from stupid amounts of joy and happiness to intense pain and sorrow.

If there is anything to be learned growing up in the Catholic household like we did, there is still tremendous amounts of beauty to be found in pain and suffering (shout outs to you, Mom and Dad!)

I go back to those simple moments of joy and happiness that we shared when you were still around, you know exactly what Im talking about. 

And when I do, for a split second, Im reminded of exactly how beautiful life could be and the immense possibilities that it holds.

I miss you, forever and always.

Yours, 

Kuya

Halloween in our old neighbourhood of Manaseer, Al Ain, UAE circa 1991/1992

[dearlorenletters]

January 21, 2013

Dear Loren,

11 years later and I still miss you. 

I miss the moments that we never had. 

Those moments that never existed in reality but are memories constructed from the figments of my imagination of how life would have been. Could have been. Should have been.

The moments we never had.

Remember Paris and your favourite spot in the Shakespeare bookstore? You shared your love of your favourite books with me then. I still recall the excited expression on your face as you discussed your favourite characters and why they meant so much to you, even if they weren’t real and only existed in the working imaginations of your head. 

Your laughter. Your smile. I remember it all.

You were in Paris on a university exchange and that was when you told me you were switching majors from pre-med to general arts. You wanted to pursue a career as a journalist and writer instead of becoming a doctor which Mom and Dad had high expectations for you to be.

You had come across this particular author who made a compelling argument to make you change your chosen career path. You made me promise not to tell Mom and Dad as you were scared they would be disappointed in you. As it turns out, they could not have been more proud when you published your first book and began what eventually turned out to be a hugely successful career as an award-winning writer and editor. I know that I was proud.

I still am.

The moments we never had.

These moments will never come to pass as they exist only in my head. Constantly blurring the lines between reality and a state of dream-like consciousness.

Perhaps if heaven had visiting hours, it would make moments like this feel easier. It does get easier with time, learning to let you go while still keeping a piece of you with me. 

11 years later to the day and once again, I find myself writing these words to you in hopes that somewhere out there, you’re reading them. This seems to be the only connection that I have to you. 

And so, I’ll keep on writing each and every year for words have a lot of power and meaning.

Those moments that we never had makes me all the more grateful for the memories that I share with Loubelle and Lorel, and with Mom and Dad. 

I could not be more proud of our two younger sisters who are doing extremely well. I love the moments that I get to share with each of them, being able to play the role of Kuya, big brother, a role that was short-lived when it came to you. 

Loubelle just moved to Toronto after recently graduating from Western, and Lorel is in her second year at Calgary and set to go on a volunteer trip to Nicaragua for a month this summer. Mom and Dad are still very supportive of all our endeavours, no matter how ridiculous or far fetched they may seem.

And although we’re spread out in the vastness that is Canada, we’re just as close as ever. Dysfunctional at times, perhaps. But it is these very dysfunctionalities that makes us who we are as a family.

A family that misses you.

Loren, I miss you. Each and every single day. 

If only heaven had visiting hours, it would make moments like this feel that much easier. 

Love you, 

Kuya

[dearlorenletters]

Learning to let go... 10 years later and I still love you with all of me

January 21, 2012

Dear Loren,

It's been 10 years to the day since you were taken away from us and not a day goes by where I don't think of you.

It's been 10 years and what a ride it has been. And yet, this year feels different.

This year, I know deep down in my heart that I have finally learned to let you go. Though I still miss you with each passing day, I know to the very core of my being that you're in a better place, watching over all of us from up above.

I never thought that I'd get to where I am today, and yet, here I am standing strong with my head held high.

This is the letter that I wish 16 year-old Renjie had read when he was going through unimaginable pain, confusion and anger at the world when his little sister was taken away from him. The little sister that he swore to protect ever since he became a 'kuya' soon after you were born.

Kuya. Big brother. Always protective.

And yet, somehow he thought he had failed you when you got hit by that car on that fateful day on January 8, 2002.

He wasn't there to protect you when you fell into a coma and passed away 2 weeks later.

When his whole world collapsed around him, it has taken him 10 years to pick up all the pieces and make it whole again. And yet, the pieces that make up you are still missing. For some reason, he has finally come to terms with this and is at peace, with both himself and the world around him.

I would tell 16 year-old Renjie that even though he may find himself in the throes of emotional despair every now and then, there is only one way to go when you hit rock bottom. And that is up. With the help of a strong network of friends, mentors, family and loved ones.

No matter how angry he got with God for taking you away – bypassing the entire debate on religion – he has to believe that God exists because if God exists then heaven must exist.

In my heart, I have to believe that heaven is where you are my beautiful sister.

I would tell 16 year-old Renjie that everything turns out just fine.

That Mom and Dad continue to be blessed in everything that they do, and that Loubelle and Lorel turn out beautifully. As for 26 year-old Renjie, well, he is still awkward around women and has to clearly step up his game. That will never change, haha...

Loren, I still miss you. I still remember everything about you. The way you smiled and the sound of your voice.

Years ago, I was afraid that I would lose these memories and that I would forget all of those details.

But no, I still remember. I know now that you will always be a part of me and this is something that I can't easily forget. In many ways, you have helped to shape my character and my perspective on life, and I would like to thank you for that.

See you in heaven dear sister, but certainly not too soon. There are still many, many things that I need to accomplish first and I know that I am just getting started.

Watch me and I will make you proud.

Love you forever and always,

Kuya

[dearlorenletters]

September 26, 2011

Dear Loren,

Happy happy birthday dear sister, I still miss you with each passing day. As the years go by however, it gets a little bit easier and I find myself 10 years later writing this letter to you with a hint of a smile on my face. Life truly does go on.

You were certainly wise beyond your years and if you were here right now, you would definitely be offering me advice on where to proceed next with my life. This past year, Ive been doing a lot of soul searching and wandering, with my travels taking me on experiences that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams. I like to think that you were with me every step of the way because as I look back, I am still in awe of how many opportunities came my way and how seamlessly everything came together.

Im sure you're always looking out for us. We've certainly grown a lot closer together as a family, especially in recent years, even though we're all separated by large geographical distances. Every moment we spend together as a family now, I find myself wishing you were right there with us.

Mom and Dad are in Cranbrook, Loubelle is in London and Lorel has finally started university in Calgary. Imagine that, so much time has gone by that our baby sister has started university already! Loubelle is about to graduate from nursing school too at the end of this academic year! And if somehow I can get my act together in the upcoming months and finish my thesis, I'll be walking away with an MA degree in hand next summer. Mom and Dad are doing great as well. I hope that you're proud of all of us, something tells me that you are.

I do miss you and still think about you each day. The heartache and pain that I used to feel each time your birthday came up year after year, has slowly been replaced with a feeling of love, peace and joy that all will be well.

Truly yours and lots of love,

Kuya

Loren and I with our cousin Zaldeleen in Manila, Philippines circa 1993

[dearlorenletters]

January 21, 2011

When we were younger, I was always looking out for you…

Now that I am older, Loren, I know that you’re always looking out for me and for the whole family from up above. I found these photos of us back in the day when I was at Lola’s house in Bogo a couple of weeks ago. I miss hanging out with you. I still can’t believe that its been 9 years to the day, time surely flies.

May you find peace always.

Kuya

[dearlorenletters]

Happy birthday Loren, I miss you more and more as the years go by ♥

September 26, 2010

Dear Loren,

As I write this, I am fighting back the tears as memories that I have kept under lock and key for a good portion of the last nine years have come flooding back all of a sudden. Has it really been close to nine years? Time goes by so fast and so much has happened since you left, I really wish that I could just sit with you and tell you everything about what's been going on with my life.

I wish you a happy birthday my dear sister, you would have been 23, a university graduate, traveler, dreamer and possibly a heartbreaker. As your older brother, I probably would not have had to do a lot to keep the boys at bay as Im sure that you would have done an excellent job of keeping them all in line. Loubelle and Lorel are certainly holding their own and they are both doing just fine. They've grown up beautifully Loren, I really wish that you could see them. They miss you too, so do Mom and Dad. I miss you so much as well. I know one day we'll meet again, but until that day comes, I am going to appreciate each moment and really take advantage of every single day, enjoying the company of the friends and family around me as well as the opportunities that come my way that I am extremely grateful for.

In the past, I was always afraid that I would forget you, forget the sound of your voice, your laughter and how you would sit on your chair as you listened to me go on and on about some random story. Over the years however, those memories have stayed with me and I still remember your beautiful smiling face as if it were yesterday.

Til we meet again...

Your brother,

Kuya