dearestdesolation

[dearestdesolation]

eye for eyelash

all i wanted was to love you

i followed every rule with ease

but you were always a skeptic of my loyalty, honesty, and love.

i always put you first while i happily settled for fifth place in your life

my love for you was never betrayed,

my anxiety ridden attempts at friendliness were tragically mistranslated as a double cross to your delicate heart.

i’ve told you over and over again:

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

i’m sorry.

i gave you my everything and in return i received a promise of infidelity.

i need you so bad, i choose to turn a blind eye but i hurt more than you know.

i love you too much to say goodbye or to do what you’re going to do to me.

you’re the rightful owner of my heart, mind, body, and soul,

you forever will be,

you’re my whole world.

you tell me you love me and that i’m forever yours after you parade your faithlessness to my face.

keep your meaningless words.

i don’t care that you don’t respect me,

the only thing that matters is that you’re mine.

i don’t know what i did to be dealt this deck.

i didn’t mean to hurt you,

but you meant to hurt me.

i forgive you.

“life shall go for life, eye for eye.”

our lives shall go for miscommunication.

eye for eyelash.

far from fair.

but our reality.

i love you forever.

[dearestdesolation]

[dearestdesolation]

Honey

Your radiance casts hues of deep gold,

lighting up the room

with your beauty and aura.

Since you walked in,

you're the only person I'm able to see.

You move with such elegance and grace

and your smile is magnetic and contagious.

Your voice is more beautiful than

any song I've ever heard,

and sweeter than honey.

As much as I wish I never let you leave,

I know that I am too damaged

for your kind and lovely soul.

All I'd do is hurt you

when you deserve peace.

I'm uncertain I'll ever get the pleasure of seeing you again

but if I do, I'll yearn from afar, and maybe get the courage to talk to you.

But who's to say?

You're too perfect for me. Too heavenly.

You're everything I desire, but don't deserve.

[dearestdesolation]

Break Ups

I am a hopeless romantic. Ever since I was a kid, I've always pictured my life becoming a perfect fairytale romance, an impossible heaven where I'd be swept off my feet like a princess. I went into my first (and only) relationship naïve as ever with my heart on my sleeve, my expectations of nothing ever being wrong and never having any problems. I've since learned that it's normal and healthy to have a little bit of conflict in relationships but the thought of it scared me so much that I did anything I could to avoid it, but it still didn't work. I unfairly assigned her the role as my knight in shining armor, a savior who will rescue me from the stupid, miniscule problems I had that I treated as a dragon terrorizing my kingdom. The difference in our upbringings and life experiences made my mind romanticize our contrast. To me, we were like two princesses from feuding kingdoms, everyone disapproved of our love but we didn't care. We were fated to be Romeo and Juliet, but in a much less rosy way. What we had is six feet under and I'm left as a shell of myself, lost and empty, aimlessly wandering trying to find the ruins of the castle that I once had. Our love was beautiful, chaotic, messy, wonderful, terrible, magical, emotional, and everything else. I made her my world but flowers die, kingdoms fall, and hearts shatter. I'm doomed to be a sleeping beauty. Pricked by the thorns of love, condemned to an eternal slumber, caused by a broken heart.

[dearestdesolation]

Innocence

When I was seventeen, I thought of myself as far from innocent but now as a nineteen year old with far more life experience, I have to laugh. I only thought of myself as such because I knew what sex was, I said "fuck" every other sentence and had some friends that smoked weed (despite me never touching it). I thought that my innocence had ended around thirteen when my depression started getting to the point of wanting to kill myself. By the age of fifteen, I had yearned to go back to being twelve and I wished for that every single year until I turned nineteen. Now I'm not quite sure what I want. The past six months of my life have been drastically different than the first eighteen years. I went into my nineteenth year a virgin who had never smoked, never drank, was never out past ten p.m, and a college student. The summer turned into me getting drunk every weekend while working my job as a waitress, car sex right next to forests that several people have gone missing in, smoking a substance I don't even want to admit to at this point, and the start of a nicotine addiction. Autumn brought anger, heartbreak after heartbreak (by the same person) and dropping out of school completely. I was no longer my parent's golden child. To be honest, compared to my sister, I don't think I ever was. I want to forget everything about who I was before this wave of self awareness washed over me. Once you dive head first into a life everyone told you to be weary of, everything loses its novelty. Drinking isn't fun anymore after you stop being able to read orders, drinking isn't fun anymore after you get yelled at by your newly ex girlfriend who swears you're cheating on her (when you absolutely are not) to then fuck you as you're crying because you're heartbroken, being a "rebellious teenager" isn't fun anymore when your parents yell at you for being home seven minutes late. When I was seventeen, I wanted to lead the life that I thought I was doing for the past six months and good god, I couldn't be happier that I was still considered innocent. I sit here now at nineteen desperately trying to cling to the shards of innocence I have left. I consider myself very lucky that I was a kid that was able to have a childhood. The most important people in my life at this moment weren't able to have what I had. There are many good parts of my life too. I'm still at the same job but I'm able to make it through my shifts without touching absolute, my girlfriend and I have had rough patches but we are able to overcome anything life throws at us, my best friend supports me through anything, and I can confidently say that I'm finally recovering through the eating disorder I developed three years ago. For the past few years, I have noticed all these young girls, particularly middle school aged, trying to look older and trying to live like most people would in their mid to late twenties and it makes me sad.  Growing up with the internet really fucked with the heads of my generation and put all these pressures into the minds of young girls that we shouldn't have to deal with. There is no reason for a girl who is still in school to be expected to look like an instagram model or to know how to please a man or to want to party every weekend. Growing up with the internet has made these people grow up way faster than they should have and it's so depressing to watch. Damn kid, slow down. You have the rest of your life. Enjoy not being expected to have a job and pay bills. Growing up is not as fun as it's made out to be and rushing yourself to lose all the pieces of your innocence will leave you with nothing left.

[dearestdesolation]

god forgive me for my sins

i can’t live another day like this

[dearestdesolation]

boys are just placeholders, they come and go

[dearestdesolation]

autumn

[dearestdesolation]

The Virgin’s Suicide

You taste of weed and spearmint

and I feel my last drop of innocence slipping from me.

You look at me ravenously,

like a lion looking at its prey

and I am just as hungry.

The setting sun penetrates my eyes

and my love, you look like heaven

a golden halo rings your body

in a divine feminine.

sweet pleasure flowing like honey

you dip your fingers in,

swirling the golden matter

as I desperately gasp for air.

I feel my muscles tense up

and my core burn with satisfaction.

You own my body, my heart, and my mind.

I'll give you my everything,

my virgin suicide.

[dearestdesolation]

American Beauty

There's something so romantic about loneliness. It brings you to a level of vulnerability and desperation that'll drive you to accept attention from anybody who even gives you a moment of their precious time. As I walk the streets of this suburban hell, all the eyes of men a little too old are on me as I am an easy target. Admittedly, I am as naïve as they come so all it takes is a few simple words for me to be at your full disposal. Ask me for help, tell me I'm beautiful, talk to me about my fears and fantasies, whatever you'd like, take me far far away from here, and lay me to rest. Hell, all I ever wanted was to feel loved. As they put me in the ground, the last thing they'll ever say about me is, "She was like a rose, sweet but perilous, an American beauty."

[dearestdesolation]

Love Letter

The first time I saw you, you were all I wanted. There was something so captivating about the way you moved. The way you held yourself with such confidence. The way you looked at me through the window. For the few minutes you were in the store, you were the only thing that mattered. Everything and everyone else around me was a blur. And when you came up to the register to ask for my number, I finally felt like something in my life was going right. Up until then, I never believed in love at first sight but I fell for you that day. And four months later, I continue to fall even harder with each passing moment.