deardiary751

[deardiary751]

Saturday, June 18, 2022

Dear Diary:

I am in the middle of nowhere reading my past posts and realizing how cringy and attention seeking I seemed. Embarrassing. Anyways, I've changed, read some perspective-changing books, and think I've become a little more knowledgeable. Yesterday my family and I went to visit a family friend, and I totally humiliated myself. You see, the family friend had kittens, and I am an adamant cat lover. The kittens were playing around, chasing leaves carried by the wind, a few other running like crazy before abruptly stopping and tumbling into the ground. In total, I saw four kittens. A couple stopped before me, a tad curious, and I grabbed one.

Bad mistake. The kitten yowled and bit my inner wrist before squirming out of my hand and falling to the floor. All eyes were on me. I felt embarrassed because now I messed up and my overthinking self auto thought that they now hated me for my imprudence. I had a cap on to shield my teary eyes, and sat down sheepishly after being laxly scolded by my grandma to "be careful." The wife of the family friend, let's call her May, seemed forgiving of it, but, once again, I overthought it to be a gesture of politeness to a guest. Everyone got over it quickly and continued with their own conversations, but I-- being the crybaby that I am-- tried to compose myself and blink away my tears. My younger sister notices and tries to cheer me up with funny jokes, but I'm too embarrassed to laugh along. I don't want anyone to notice my tears, including my sister. At least in public. I feel vulnerable and it makes it harder to compose myself.

My grandma notices my teary eyes and comes over and hugs me. I'm known to be sentimental, and she lets May know. The two women crowd me and now everyone sees me crying. I say it's because I feared I hurt the kitten, and my grandpa makes jokes to try to make me laugh. It works, but I still feel embarrassed and vulnerable. Did I disappoint my family by embarrassing them with my tears? My sister seemed to think so, and didn't hold back in letting me know.

"Oh my gosh, Jem. Stop crying," she says in a judging tone, "You're so dramatic." Which made me cry a little harder. A few seconds later I managed to stop the tears but still remained with wet eyes. May looked at me with sympathy and told me in the gentlest voice that she'd go fetch me some water to calm down. Everything went back to normal but I was still embarrassed. When we left, she hugged me real tight and motherly. It felt nice.

Incidentally, I just tried to send my friend a happy pride month message but I think he blocked me because the message won't go through at all but other messages (such as the ones I send to my mom) go through just fine. I'm a little hurt because I don't know what made him decide that and I thought we were friends. It's okay though, I'll be going to a new school this semester and I'll make new friends. Hopefully. Happy Pride Month, Big Matt. Love ya bro (no homo).

Sincerely,

Jem

[deardiary751]

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Dear Diary,

Today, I feel sorta sad. I've been seeing a lot of things on politics and movements and I agree with most of them because they're for a good cause, but some I just am scared of. Like ACAB (all cops are bastards), for example. I know that the system needs reforming, but I feel like the demonization of cops is becoming over-exaggerated. I hear stories from POC about how they felt more cared for by white cops while cops of their skin color turned a blind eye. There's also the KAM (kill all men) movement, which I also understand that men are assholes and all, but they're being demonized over the top. For both, I know there are many bad apples within each respective group, but they're all being lumped in together as one. I feel too scared to bring this up to anyone who is knowledgeable on the topic because I'm scared I'll just be yelled at and called racist (I'm not even white) or other mean things. I just truly don't get it and I don't know whose side I should be on. There are nice cops and chill cops, and there are also super sweet boys who would never hurt a fly and treat you right. I simply want someone to explain to me where all the deep hatred is coming from. Why is there so much hatred in the world? Why can't everyone just be peaceful? Martin Luther King Junior dreamed of a world where everyone held hands and laughed together, but nowadays we all do nothing but point fingers. Why must everyone always blame someone? The world will never be at rest, and nothing will change so long as this hatred exists. I truly don't understand the world.

Sincerely,

Jem

[deardiary751]

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Dear Diary,

I don't know why I decided to do this; maybe it was for fun, maybe for attention, or simply to keep my thoughts together. Well, it's not as if I necessarily need the attention, I think I am pretty lucky to have what I do-- I'm decently attractive, sport a nice phone, am known to be smart, and have nice clothes and a roof over my head. And now I sound like a show-off. My bad, that wasn't the intention. Moving on, I guess I should introduce myself: I'm Jem. Of course, this isn't my real name, I just came up with it to keep me anonymous. Today I went traveling with my family. Fancy, right? I'd like to think it wasn't much; it's just a car trip after all, but then again I guess I'm fortunate enough to experience this. My parents want to build a house and so we're going to a bank to get a loan. We made it to the hotel, and the room smells like.. sweat. I dealt with it because I'm sure most rooms smell like this anyways. I played some Genshin and now I'm going to go to bed. Ah crap, reading that now I feel like I'm trying too hard. What the hell am I doing? I think I'll end it here for now.

Sincerely,

Jem