dearandrew2016

[dearandrew2016]

What I would ask/say to A

Do you hate me?

What changed your mind?

Did you love me? I don't think you did but I have to ask

Do you feel like I wasted your time?

What did I do to justify being cut off so coldly?

Would you still marry me? *just curious*

What was wrong with me?

What didn't you like about me?

You made me cry. I wasn't expecting that. I really did like you.

I hope you find what you are looking for. It will be hard but not impossible (just like me). I have a feeling you will have to convert your future wife.

------------------------

I asked Drew "what made you change your mind?"

Should I have more grace? or am I justified in asking that? What the hell!?! I keep getting the short end of the stick and men that can't stand by their word.

A knows I love having open and honest conversation and he couldn't give me that in the end.

I was honest with him and he was cold in return.

I have to find a new norm now. I talked to A everyday. I woke up today hoping I would see a missed call or text. Nothing was there. Even now, there has been nothing. He's really done. I wonder if he's flipping through the dating app right now. He's either doing that or reading the bible.

This blog has really taken a turn lol

This all happened less than 24 hrs ago

Tomorrow's goal should be no tears but I will allow a few.

I'm a sensitive bitch that gets attached to people, not just men but people and places.

Life goes on.

[dearandrew2016]

I slept with him and then he blocked me

Yup, that's the jist of what happened. I'm not sure if he blocked me but not answering a phone call or responding to texts is basically being blocked.

To start at the beginning I met who I will call A on a dating app. A, Iquickly learned, is a h*brew Is*ealite and I had no idea "most high" is a buzz word that would have let me know that. I swiped right on him because I thought he was a Christian and I thought that would be good for me for once. Nope, he's not a Christian, reads the bible, believes in Jesus but instead he believes he's Jew. I found this out moments before our first phone call on Thanksgiving day. He asked for my number so he could call me. Dare I say I enjoyed our little discussion/debate. That phone call was an indication of how a lot of our convos would go. I debated with him about what Christopher Colombus believed lol Never saw myself discussing that with someone before. We talked for hours that night and I had to cut him off (also a common theme with us).

He asked me out on a date to a restaurant of my choice after my FS final which was super sweet. He picked me up in a rented Jeep and I pinned an address down the street from my apartment for my safety. When I approached the Jeep I waved at him through the window and he instantly got out to hug me and open my car door. I was instantly attracted to him. He passed the kissable test.

Dinner was nice and I honestly didn't want the night to end. He didn't want the night to end either because he drove around Norfolk. I asked if he wanted to come to my apartment and talk parked in the car. He thought I was inviting him in and then I thought maybe he could come in. I felt ok about it since he's very religious. I assumed that meant no sex. To make sure there was no hanky panky I told him that there would be none so that we were on the same page. I was nervous about it all, I told him he better not be a killer or rapist. HE came up, my apartment was a mess because I was focused on the final. When we got to my door I covered my apartment number and I made sure to take a whiff of my place in case it smelled horrible. I immediately lit a candle. We talked and talked and talked until 3AM. He had to work that day. He left at 3AM and hugged me goodbye.

We saw each other day after day until I had to go home for my friends' and I annual Christmas party. I wasn't in the mood to go this year for some reason. I straightened my hair and it came out awful as I should have known would happen. I looked forward to coming back to Norfolk to A.

After the first night, he slept over the second night on my couch. It was soooo nice. My heart was racing because I felt so attracted to him and I wasn't sure if he expected sex. If felt amazing sleeping beside him on my couch. I forgot to mention A is 6'4 full of man. I kneww he had to be packing and I got a feel that night cuddled on the couch. I normally intimidated by that much man buttt I was officially turning a new leaf with A.

We didn't kiss until later but we were moving fast because we spent everyday together. I knew sex was coming but I was trying respect his religious views. He told me no sex so that meant no sex. I would tease him constantly about having sex but it was just me poking fun and expressing my attraction. He told me he was flattered. After the couch sleepover I told him we could sleep in my bed without anything happening. He was against it at first but then caved. The first night we slept in the bed together, I showered first just in case. I got in bed and we spooned which was nice. There was lots of kissing and then he asked to rub my nipples which was a first ( I really liked that). I thought were going to have sex. I asked him what his goal was because I was getting hot and bothered. He later asked to give me an orgasm orally. I of course said yes. He did a great job. In the morning he admitted he initiated the oral sex and I kept my end of the bargain.

Sex didn't happen until 12/18. I felt a little bad the next day because I really liked that we agreed we weren't going to do it. It was fresh approach to dating for me. The fact that we were on the same page made it really nice. I honestly was abstaining for me him and not me. The doo was quick and he wanted another go another time to redeem his ego. A officially became the 3rd notch in my bedpost that night. He loved that I hadn't been with very many people. I was #7 for him. His 7th marriage if you asked him. He felt sexual shame because of his religion. I didn't and don't like that.

The redo came on New Years Day. It was nice. I called it the A experience. A is packin'. The longest thingy doo to date. We spent the whole weekend together. While I was home he said he missed me and that he thought it was sexy when he picked me up to hug me. I felt the same way.

I told him that weekend that I couldn't pursue a relationship with him because he wasn't the established man I was looking for. He had no car and he lived with a woman roommate. He wished I had told him that sooner. I have continually told him our differences bothered me and I felt like we were unequally yoked. I wanted him to have his Jew princess wife. He definitely like younger women because he said they are malleable which I hear as gullible. On Sunday morning we agreed on a friendship. He only wanted us to meet in public. I wanted to go on a run with him and he suggested a bike ride. We talked alll weekend and then on Sunday I drove him home. I felt weird when I got home about everything, but I knew I slightly missed him.

Monday he didn't text me good morning until I texted him first but he still called me princess, Tuesday no good morning text which I knew was off for us. Even Monday, he texted very little. Tuesday I called him he didn't answer, and I texted him. I didn't hear anything from him until 12:15am saying "Hey K don't call or test me anymore please."

I was devasted. I did the exact opposite. I texted back "wow no explanation" and then I called. I think the way it rang shows he blocked me. I texted other things but they're irrelevant. I cried.

I couldn't get out of bed today I cried off and on while in bed. Thank God, I had a phone call with Sara at 3pm or else I could have spent all day in bed. Talking to Sara and taking a shower really helped me feel better. Talking with Sara reminded that there is more I have going on in my life right now. I have MCAT, this semester, and summer applications to worry about. Its sooooooo crazy this relationship ended right when I needed to hunker down on MCAT studying.

I miss him.

I became attached to him. I enjoyed the physical touch and the quality time. It was so cold how he cut me off and I think that's what made me upset and sad as well as how unexpected it was. The weekend was no indication of the end. He even told me I could call him if I needed him.

When I ate lunch with Christina I told her I saw no future with him and I knew it didn't make sense but I wanted him in my life. I initially wanted a Norfolk boo but I was ok with a Norfolk friend.

I seemed to be doing ok now.

I will update if he contacts me. I have some strange feeling that he will.

I liked him more than I expected. I didn't love listening to his no gravity and flat earth thoughts but his moments of personality were so nice. We showered together that last day and it was really nice. He danced in the shower and I will never forget that. He loved to sing and it was so cute.

I wonder what changed his mind about us.

Overall, I just feel a bit sad, not overwhelming debilitating sad but just sad.

I low key hope he shows up at my door. Is that wrong?! probably.

Sooo, one thing that coincided with meeting him is that I'm pretty sure I'm over Drew. The combo of meeting A , going to school, and time has caused me to snap out of my Drew spell. I don't want to talk to him. Old me might have reached out to him sad. Current me doesn't need him for anything. I feel really good about that. Dear Drew looks like it might finally have a conclusion... until Drew calls again. Drew might be in a relationship now for all I know and good for him if that is the case. He's over me and now I'm over him.

I told Christina that I don't think Exes should be friends but I also don't like the idea of blocking exes. My weird mind likes open communication.

I know I feel differently about Drew because I don't want to say that i'll have his babies anymore and I don't want to visit him anymore. He has NEVER come to visit me and now he definitely won't since I moved. There has been no reciprocation there, even before his DUI.

Men suck and I can't do the dating app now. In the summer I might try hinge and delete my current one. Its so hard to find an established black man!? what is wrong with our black men? I don't want to be forced to date outside my race but do I have to to get what I want? I'm not asking for anything outrageous. I refuse to settle for less. I don't know what I want religiously in a guy but everything else I'm sure of. THIS is the reason I'm still single. I don't know where the good men are.

Being with A reminded me the importance of me embracing my femininity in 2022 I will wear more dresses, clear my skin, get better at sugar waxing, and finally order contacts.

I can't believe I literally had a winter break romance. I wanted this. Because I wanted a fling, I feel like I can't be upset. If I had ended things would I be upset right now? maybe. I did wonder if it would interfere with my studies but now I don't have to.

If I was a crazy bitch, which I did think about, I would drive to his place and leave the 7/11 cup he left with a note. I know doing that wouldn't create any real solution so I can't do it. ( i will dispose of the cup after 1-5 months).

I haven't washed our sex sheets yet. I need another week in them.

I'll miss you A and I wish things didn't have to end this way.

*no tears were shed while writing this post*

***tears may flow later in the sex sheets***

****Shalom ****

[dearandrew2016]

Reminders

I saw a reel on Instagram that really spoke to me:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CUF2uJqpWiv/

1: Nothing will hurt you more than chasing someone who don't want to be caught

2: Sometimes you need to accept the fact that they don't love you how you love them ***********

3: Don't be so in love with someone that you ignore how horrible they're treating you

4: If you're doing the best you can and your partner still doesn't appreciate you, you're doing your best for the wrong person!

5: You deserve someone who is sure about you!

6: Stop wondering if they care about you. If you have to ask, the answer is "No".

7: Indecision is a decision! Period! *************

#7 speaks to me the most

Then I ran across a screenshot of a message to him and it was a hurtful response. I instantly asked myself " why do I talk to him?; How did I forget this !?!? "

Really though... Why do I still talk to him?

*Keeping this one brief*

I'm currently procrastinating writing 2 papers for my MPH class but this reel has been on my mind since I saw it and then seeing my text screenshots motivated me to write this post

11/30/21

[dearandrew2016]

Out with the old, In with the Old

11/8/21

Questions to ask:

Do I annoy you? I definitely know that I tend to call at the worst times

Are you dating ?

Are you actively on your dating site/ how is it going? I hope so!

Does our relationship add to or take away from you life? 

Why do you talk to me?

I have definitely realized that I have to continue to give you positive energy because coming to you negatively of course elicits a negative response from you which is the exact opposite of what I want. 

I have to remember that I am not entitled to anything from you. A phone call; a return phone call; a text or text back.

I get what I get. I can either accept it or walk away. Staying makes me sad and leaving would definitely make me sad. But me staying means I can’t complain

1. b/c it has historically gotten me nowhere to complain ALSO I don’t even know what exactly I want 

2. I can’t make you do anything you don’t --want to do

Does it bother me that you seem annoyed when I call you ? Yes but I have to accept it

Does it bother me that you don’t remember my birthday and I reach you to you every year on your birthday? Yes but I have to accept it ( this year I wasn’t sad that you didn’t call or text b/c I expected it and I’m use to it by now)

Does it bother me that you have never tried to date me after we reconnected ? Yes but I have to accept it ( I maybe could have been more direct about wanting to date you again but that’s a level of putting myself out there that I’m not comfortable with--> I’m pretty sure that’s not what you want b/c your actions when we AREN’T together tell me everything I need to know) 

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Anything I text him makes me cringe and I have to delete shortly after. I will be deleting my most recent text shortly. 

- I feel sooooo desperate for his attention and it KILLS me inside; I hate how he indirectly makes me feel 

- I also feel a level of rejection

- I also feel annoying and I have to make sure I watch what I say so that he doesn’t get mad and yell at me again

=idk if this are just dramatic feelings I’ve developed but I consistently feel this way

- I sadly look forward to the day he meets someone so I can go back to a cold turkey cut off and thinking he is off living his happiest life ---> this day is coming and when it does I’m hooooooooping he tells me and that I don’t get the cold shoulder ( that will really suck but I will understand) 

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MY overall Conclusion:

He longer has the same level of patience with me = I easily piss him off

He no longer tolerates certain things that I say; unfortunately I don’t know exactly what his triggers are but somehow I set him off --> his last explosion on me was the early August and it was b/c I sent him 2 different crazy text messages 

1. I asked if I reminded him of his mother

2. I described what I wanted us to wear for a wedding photo shoot ( idk about this one but definitely 1 pissed him off)

His feelings are valid so I can’t dismiss them and I was honestly speechless b/c I was falling asleep and then next thing I knew he was yelling at me. I had no decent response unfortunately. If my memory is correct I apologized days or weeks later. I know it took me awhile b/c I was really turned off and I felt really apprehensive about what is ok to say. 

This is probably a VERY unhealthy and possibly toxic relationship for me. Possibly for him too since I trigger him so badly. 

Me triggering him might be a sign that we have outlived the length of this relationship b/c there are signs that this relationship isn’t it beneficial or enjoyable for either of us. I have absolutely no clue how I could approach this topic with him without setting him off. 

I’ve decided my overall approach with him for now will be TREAD LIGHTLY and by that I mean remain positive and sensitive knowing that I easily trigger him. If this approach STILL triggers him I know there is TRULY nothing I can do to avoid it and if it works and doesn’t trigger him then I know how to fix this problem.

I have to figure out a way to not suppress myself but still tread lightly. I don’t handle being yelled out well. I INSTANTLY shut down. I cried myself to sleep that night and he probably went to bed pissed. 

I’m honestly not sure why he talks to me 

the better question might be why do I talk to him

Last time I visited him we had 3 disagreements; 1 of them I picked the fight but the last 2 I didn’t see coming. when the first one happened I just wanted to say whatever it took to get to peace. 

Is this blog me obsessing over him? the situation or are these truly vent sessions b/c I feel like no-one understands?!?!?!?!

[dearandrew2016]

Mr. Serial Lover; Mr. Conditional Lover

The title of this post is from Lyin King by Jhene Aiko. When we weren’t speaking this song would make me cry. In the beginning of the song she says

“Okay, so you just Go around breaking hearts just to see what is inside”

Anywayssss, those depressive days are over but I’m still dealing with you!? I just wanted to create a cute title. 

April 14,2020 was the day you told me all the things I wanted to hear a long time ago. You told me you still loved, you would be open to dating again to see what happens, that you wanted to hang out, you wanted to see me, and you said I was the one. I was shockeddd. It was hard to receive because I just assumed I wouldn’t ever hear you say those things. This was also the day you confessed to sleeping with another chick before we got together; during our talking phase. That was crazy to hear especially when I thought I knew the chick!?!? The only reason I know the date is because I wrote it down before I deleted your number and all your texts, againnn. Something has to be wrong with constantly going through cycles of deleting someone's phone number and texts. I deleted your texts today.

It’s the inconsistency for me.

You’re a terrible communicator. I can admit that maybe I perceive things the wrong way but when is the point where the blame is on you??? Your actions and words aren’t coinciding. You’re constantly saying one thing but doing another. I need to talk to you because school is stressing me out and you don’t know that because you didn’t bother to call me back. Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother with you. I deleted your texts today and I’m going to step back a bit. I might have to delete your number later (we’ll see). I think it’s rude when someone calls you and you don’t bother calling that person back or texting them. It makes me feel unimportant. I should have just texted this to you but you called me dramatic so I didn’t want to say anything else. You told me you were busy; that’s why you didn’t call me back (you had a friend over). I just feel blatantly disregarded and unappreciated. I needed to talk to you; still do. I need the distraction from my fate with school. I need you to be there for me. I need you to call be back. I need you to be/ act like a person that deserves to have their number saved in my phone. Why do I bother? Why do I repeatedly let you “disrespect” me or make me look stupid’? Am I being dramatic? maybe a little but there is some truth there. I do know that when you really care about someone, at a human decency level, you call them back. I think/ know I’m too good TO you. I’m suppose to come visit you but idk if you really want me to come. I would talk to you about it but you didn’t return my call. This is a common problem I have with you. Last time we spoke after not speaking for awhile you said communication is a 2 way street and that is so true but what else can I do if I’m doing my part and nothing is happening on your end. I HATE feeling like I’m doing the most. I feel like I don’t hear from you unless I reach out first and it makes me feel like I’m trying to hard (for nothing). 

As of today, I’m stepping back again. Maybe he’ll text me tomorrow and this will all seem melodramatic but I bet you he won’t. I feel he doesn’t truly care. I probably won’t see him this month which is sad but fine.

Bottom Line:  I think he takes me for granted. 

One day I will be with someone that calls me back lol 

Lets see how many days it will take you to reach out to me. 

“If you don't learn, you'll never know a good thing” - Jhene Aiko

[dearandrew2016]

He texted back

To my surprise he did indeed text me back (I’m a little late posting his response). In this post I will include his response but this time I want to dissect it and include what I think. I feel like it all raised more questions and left me confused. I basically want to try to read in between the lines. I keep reading them over and and over anyway. Why not explore everywhere my mind runs when I read them so that I can STOP reading them and thinking about them. 

With the initial “We can’t be friends text” the question that came to mind was “Can we ever be friends?”. I ask this because I felt compelled to email him  and tell him that I get we can’t be friends now but maybe in a few months or even a year we could try again but then I thought let me see if it texts elude to him even wanting to be friends in the future. In his text he said” It’s impossible for me in this part of my life right not”- that to me means it is possible but this part possibly contradicts it. “I meant it when I said I would like to stay in touch but I know it’ll be too hard to separate everything I ever had with you”- So I guess until he feels like he can separate his emotions, then we can move forward!? I agree that maybe it is too soon to be friends I do believe we shouldn’t talk and that is ONLY because he has a gf. I’ve already covered that it was “insulting” to hear that he is that happiest he’s been in awhile. It’s sad that I can’t receive that he wants me to be happy in my life because I’m just emotional about everything else he’s putting me through. I’ve already discussed that it is insulting when he says he wishes I could understand and that he says “take care”. 

His response to my long text that I discussed in the last post:

“You’re right I changed my mind not because I talked to my gf but because in the moment it seemed you couldn’t accept that I’ve moved on w/o throwing of shade towards her and my situation”

-I Immediately interpreted this as, it’s my fault we can’t be friends. I don’t even remember what I said to him that was shady. 

-It really sucks to read that he has moved on hence the gf thing but that phrase alone is killer and is a helpful remainder. 

“This is what I meant by wishing things were different or because you have the right to be upset and I should have handled this differently”

-Since he wishes things were different, how does he wish things could be? what could be done to make this situation better? What would be ideal for him?

-How was he expecting me to react on the phone and via text?

“Evidence of my stupidity would be the fact that when I did talk to her about our convo, she sent me a text as long as yours”

-I wonder what she said to him.

“I knew you were struggling because I’m struggling”

-I use to wonder if you weren’t feeling anything

“I have someone that takes care of me, and does everything for me”

-Lucky you; that sounds really nice

“And I can’t look her in the eyes w/o seeing her cry all over again”

-That is sad I must say; she must have cried in front of you at some point. She must be very special to you; I wonder which part hurts her the most. Does she know you still love me?Did you delete our texts? especially the one that talked about me being your first choice? I wonder what exactly made her cry. It’s crazy you are hurting both of us but I’m sure she will forgive you. I’m realizing now how much of a sweet talker you are. I just imagine you downplaying me to get her back. “My ex doesn’t mean anything to me, she’s a thing of the past”.

“I truly didn’t call you to sleep at night, I wanted to give you someone you can share all this with if you didn’t already, I wanted you to be able to call me an asshole if you felt that way which you fully took advantage ” 

-I don’t think ex’s should be consoling each other. I don’t think Drew can make me feel better. I would like him to never attempt to do this again. Calling Drew an asshole wouldn’t make me feel better. That would just mean I dated an asshole.This part contradicts him hoping I had accepted he moved on- If I had why would he want me to lash out or vent.  A person that accepts their ex has moved on is at peace and doesn’t need to say crazy things. Why would you want me to lash out and yet not throw shade? 

“Look I realize I can’t make it right, I get it. But I must apologize to you. I’m sorry KC, even when I apologize I make it worse”

-This first sentence is literally the only thing I agree with that he said. When he apologizes he doesn’t make it worse so that part doesn’t make sense. 

I did not reply because I felt like nothing I could say could make it better so I left it at that. My initial thoughts were he will call me again in a few months but IDK. His gf needs to whip him into shape. It meant something that he called me. It’s nice he gave in and called me. I thought about emailing him to say we should  try to be friends later down the road but as of now I don’t feel it’s necessary. I won’t him to stop thinking he can make me feel better but I do want to know what he has in his head as his ideal situation.

I wonder what it would have been like If I was the one that started dating someone else first or if the roles were simply reversed??? Me being selfish I wish I had been the first one dating so that I could be the happy one BUT I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I wasn’t meant to be the happy one lol 

[dearandrew2016]

10/31 I had a dream last night that that we were together

11/2/16

Sooo Drew called me yesterday. I missed the phone call due to a lovely napn and I immediately told my friend. I didn’t know what to do or feel. I started to think the call was on accident and thought I shouldn't call back. I went to work and was smiling in amazement the whole time. When I went on break I decided to text him instead of call just in case it was an accident he called me.  I really felt the urge to reach out in case it was an emergency. When I text him he immediately called me and I answer with a questionable, weirded out hello because I haven’t spoken to him in a month. He tells me that he was thinking about me and he wanted to know how I was doing. I semi lie and say I’m doing good; of course. I can’t let him think I’m still struggling. He tells me that the night before he was up all night crying and feeling bad for what he did to me. It was nice because I get to know more about his gf and he tells me he wants to be friends. I was like yea I want to be friends. It was so nice to talk to him and I was even laughing. I remember saying this is weird. I was sort of laughing because of the weirdness and also because some things were actually funny. I tell him I felt like I was his second choice because I reminded him that he said he still wanted to be with her. HE proceeds to tell me, reluctantly, that I am not his second choice which felt really good. He tells me he still loves me and I asked he if he loves her and he says he doesn’t. He reminds me of the fact that I was his best friend. I discover that his gf indeed took him back and they officially became an item after all of this. Which was shocking but not shocking because I predicted this. HE tells me that  he took my advice that he should cherish her if she takes him back and I’m like great chick you encouraged this lol I ask him if being with her makes him feel more masculine and he says no and I ask why he didn’t reply to my email and he says he never saw it. He tells me he still loves me which was nice to hear because of course I still love him. It was hard because I wanted to have this meaningful conversation with him  but I was int the break room with people are walking in out constantly. I didn’t even eat on my break’; the convo took my entire break . I tell him I have to go and that if he wants we can continue the convo later and he says ok. HE says how great it is to hear my voice and apologizes over and over for what he did to me. I made it a point not to say it’s ok or I accept your apology because I don’t want to brush this off or quickly dismiss it as if it was meaningless. This situation broke my heart so I’m not ready to say those things. I do forgive him. I wish I had blogged about this the day it happened like I thought about doing but I was just wrapped up in “happiness” that I didn’t. When I went back to work I was giddy. I was cheeky with my coworkers and cracking jokes because I was happy. I spoke to drew after not speaking for a month and he called me and said all of those nice things. When I get off I was even more excited because I was waiting for his phone call and I knew this was when I could ask even more questions like some of the ones on this very blog. One of the main reasons I even started this blog... but he never calls. I go to bed because this isn't the first time he doesn't call when he says he will. I think maybe he will call in the morning. 

The next day is today. I get no call in the morning but I don’t call or text him because I was trying to hold out as much as possible. I did consider not reaching out at all and just thought maybe we’ll talk next month but during  my break I ask him why he didn’t call me and all hell breaks loose on my freaking lunch break!? He tells me that he no longer wants to be friends and he doesn't want to talk to anymore. He says it’s impossible for him in this part of his life right now. He meant it when he said he would like to stay in touch but he knows it will be too hard to separate everything he had with me.  This is the best part. He proceeds to say “I’m closer to anything called happiness than I have been in years and I want you to he happy in your life too”. When I read all of that I was shocked. He got me again!? I shed a few tears in the lounge. I was distraught for a good minute before I replied. He literally changed his mind in 24 hours. I have no idea what got into him, idk if he talked to his gf. I know nothing. I reply to say that I felt used. I didn’t say those words exactly but I told him I hope he got what he wanted from that convo because I know it cleared his conscious. Telling me he is sorry over and over and sure made him feel better. Hearing me in a happy mood I’m sure made him feel like I was ok and maybe over it. He replies with “I wish you can understand, take care”. I read that in the lab because I had to go back to work and when I say it made me so mad. I hate that he tells me “bye and take care”. Don’t say such finite words to me! It kinda adds salt to the wound. I hate that he acts like I don’t understand. If I truly don’t understand explain it to me. It’s insulting. What am I missing when you say we can’t talk and that you are super happy without me? I thought about not replying since he said bye but as the night went on and as  I drove him I decided I HAD to reply. Now that his phone works this is perfect lol What I sent him just now was reallly long lol I took the opportunity to hash some major emotions. I will paraphrase. It felt so good to get some of those emotions out. It’s sad we can’t get all of the emotions out, that we can’t find the time to discuss it all. I told him don’t tell me how you couldn't sleep Monday night  because you felt bad about what you did to me and how you were in tears. What he went through is something I’m still dealing with. “I’m not over everything. It’s only been a month. I still struggle emotionally. When you said you wanted to be friends It was funny because that thought at one time crossed my mind because I want to know when major things happen to you so I was ok with it but I knew your gf wouldn't be ok with it. I have no clue what exactly made you change your mind in 24 hours but maybe you snapped back to reality. It just really threw my off. IT really threw me off. IT really pisses me off that I had to text YOU to figure out YOU changed your mind.  You are right when you say I don’t understand you. The choices you’ve made recently don’t make sense to me. I feel like you made the wrong decisions. You NEVER chose to fix what you had. That’s irrelevant now but that fact alone kills me to my core. You said I wasn't your second choice but your actions proved otherwise. I’m lucky if I can go a day without thinking about all of this, You can be happy but to read your the happiest you’ve been in years is ironic to me because I feel the saddest i’ve been in years. All of this should answer your question of “how have I been”.”

I wonder if he will reply but saying all of that felt sooo good, especially the second choice thing. I wonder if he will call me. I wonder if he thought I wasn’t going to reply. I wonder if he will block my number now. Did he reply with gf in the room? I was really upset. At work, after my break.Initially I didn’t say much to anyone. I didn’t participate in convos. I snapped out of it when I spoke to Shannon. What I ‘m going through is nothing like what she is going through. I feel like my problem is so small next to hers. One day I will tell her about all of this. I balled my eyes out while writing those text messages. I feel like the bandaid was ripped off my healing process of all of this. I cried sunday night after I masturbated because I 1 dont like doing it and 2 this is what my life is now.  Sexless; intimate-less; Andrew-less. I get sad when I see other people have sex because I know what it’s like to have meaningful and love filled sex.

Erin had me paranoid, I shouldn’t have texted her, She made me think he is lying about not having sex with her because it’s hard for them. They both live with their parents. I believe him but it is very odd. Drew loves sex and he made that very clear to me one day.  Erin thinks that he did not tell his gf about the incident because what girl in her right mind takes him back. I hope he is not lying to me. He tole me that he’s done lying so I believe him or at least I want to. 

I wish he would stop hurting me. I hope I can get out of bed tomorrow without crying. I hope I can fall asleep without crying. 

Shannon told me she hopes she can find someone because she feels like she is just too different but I actually feel the same way. It’s crazy I even had a relationship because I feel like I’m really weird. 

I have feeling we will talk again. I predict it will be a few months from now.

I think my aggression towards you is being projected on my parents. I would prefer not to see or talk to them. I think it’s because they didn’t like you anyway. I just prefer to sit on my couch and be alone to watch youtube or Netlfix. 

We shall see what happens tomorrow. Will the lingering sadness return ? will I study for the MCAT? I feel even more motivated to become and do better for myself. I believe that is how I will find happiness. In myself and not in some guy. 

I wrote all this without crying... This blog is just what I need right now. 

[dearandrew2016]

It’s been a Month

WOW! This is the first time this has ever happened. Maybe one of these posts will say “It’s been a year”. 

I created my own user profile with our Netflix account. I mainly did it so I could watch Luke Cage and I thought you were still watching it under our shared account. It took me like 2 days to watch Netflix again after  I made my own profile and by then you were done with it already and probably have been for awhile but I didn’t realize it. I felt a little sad I changed our KD account to AG. It is ultimately better for us not to share a user profile. I don’t want to see what your are watching. I don’t want to know what you might watch with her or any other girl. And now there will never be a confliction with watching shows. I wonder how you felt when you saw it.

Do you miss me? How is the new relationship going? Have you told your mom it’s official between yal?

I still don’t regret emailing you. It just feels weird that you didn’t respond because now it looks like I want to talk to you again but I literally just wanted to know if she forgave you and took you back.

I have thoughts of you calling me a and saying you want to talk and meet in person. I feel like you might miss me a little. If everything reminds me of you i’m sure the same is happening to you. 

I have this thought that when I see you again you will still be with her and I will still be boyfriend-less and I will look pitiful in your eyes because I still hadn’t started to date someone. This very well might happen because I’m not actively looking for someone (to me that means no Tinder or other dating aps or sites). I don’t want to seek out someone. I will let it happen organically whether it happens or not. I just don’t want you to pity me or feel bad for me. That would be insulting beyond proportion. 

I just hope that if I ever go to your house and you are there too, I hope you won’t be bringing your girlfriend. That would be superrr awkward. I also don’t want your parents to set me up with anyone- that is super weird. DISCLAIMER- I don’t want to be set up with ANYONE by ANYBODY. 

I think I will feel conflicted if I meet someone. I will want him to be husband material- christian, etc. But I don’t want to get married right now. How soon will he dismiss me when I tell him I don’t want to have sex with him? or will he make me change my mind which might leave me in my current status. Will it hurt when I get dismissed by men? maybe but I doubt I will hurt as much as this breakup. 

Maybe I will meet someone that lives in my apartment complex?@!

MCAT study will hopefully happen tomorrow.

On my day off I was sad because I was watching Luke Cage on my couch for a good portion of the day. I remember how I would always go see you on my day’s off even if you were working. I get sad when I see other people having sex in shows because I won’t be having sex in a loonngggg time and I feel sad that you now have sex with someone else. 

I wonder when it  was over for you. The exact moment. When did I make you feel the shittiest, to the point when you were ready to date someone else.

I feel like I’m just now entering the real world; life. Is this how life works? you date, fall in love and then fall out of love then start all over again??? That sounds exhausting. I’m not ready!@#$

I was thinking today and yesterday how I don’t wish bad things for you. I know some ex’s take pride in discovering their ex is not doing good or is happy when bad things happen to them, I don’t want want any of that for you. I want the best life for you; that would make me happy. I will get no ounce of pleasure in knowing years from now that you still work in a low paying job. I want you to succeed; that’s all I ever wanted for you.  

What will my future be like? Relationship and career wise.

I know if I see you anytime soon I will melt and all my feelings will resurface. We must stay away from each other. I would have to re-read my emotional emails I sent you and blog posts so that I can cling to those emotions. 

[dearandrew2016]

How you get him is how you lose him

This quote come to mind when I think of my cousin that cheated on his wife and is with the new girl now. When I see picks of the two of them on facebook it semi disgusts me.

This quote doesn’t apply to drew and I. 

Today was not so good but not the worst day. I woke up around 10am to pee and then crawled back in bed until 1pm. I fell back asleep and pondered more about the break up. 

When I got to work I just wanted to go in a corner and cry. Towards the end of my shift I was tired which is shocking because I essentially slept all morning.

When I was sitting in my car at work I tried to google and see if I’m depressed. I don’t normally sleep all morning before work. That’s out of character for. At first I thought it could be because I’m lazy but I literally feel tired in the morning. I think I could sleep until about 3 or 4pm if you let me.  I also have had headaches towards the end of my shift for the past 2 days.

I’m just ready to be emotionally stable and focused again. 

I would like to never meet any of your girlfriends

Shannon got into Pharm school!! yay! I hate that she couldn’t feel the excitement due to the recent death she’s grieving. I feel like I haven’t been a supportive friend during this time for her. I haven’t spent anytime with her. 

I think the thought I that I could be depressed made me even more distraught today. Then I remembered I’m supposed to get my period this week (today actually and it hasn’t come yet). I’ve decided to blame some of my emotions on that. It might be late due to current events... it better be.

What will it be like if I ever see you again?

Should I tell you when I get into med school? at first I thought yes but I’m starting to think no. I don’t want it to initiate a convo. You’ll just hear it through the great vine. 

Maybe I will date a white man lol I was watching superfruit and I would love it if my white guy looked like Scotty. Although Scotty is gay I still love him.

I don’t hate you but I’m have some animosity towards you. 

[dearandrew2016]

When you fail forgive yourself, when others fail you forgive them

10/19/16

This morning I woke up to news that my Godson’s father died yesterday.  I’ve never heard such deep sorrow in my friend’s voice before. I had no idea what to say to her. I don’t think anything I could say would make her feel any better. 

I would be so depressed if I ever got a call you died

I think this next phase will be me dealing with the fact that I simply miss you. I feel like I’m mourning a death or withdrawing from a drug.

I hate that you said that she was there for you when we broke up; someone to talk to. I have no one to talk to about this with so that is all complete BS to me.

My dad just called me to tell me to keep in contact with my cousin that lives here or else he will be disappointed. I have a freaking life of my own that I’m trying to deal with and I’m sure she is trying to do the same. Blood is thicker than water is also BS because my friends are my family. They are more present in my life than my family and I’m ok with that. I no longer and officially hate being told what to do by my parents. I’m 25 now. I can’t promise that one day I will pop off on my dad and say “When you fix your relationship with your son, then you can teach me about blood is thicker than water”. 

It’s week 3 and I’m still sad. Yesterday I was fine. Today not so much.

What’s weird is that I can look at old pics of us and they don’t make me cry. I’ve created a folder in google of all our pics together and it was about 120 pictures. 

I hope I meet someone that never hurts me like this. 

Staying distracted and going to work really helps me.

10/20/16

Today was good day.

I was off and I studied for the MCAT!! I went to a really nice library and I hope to return there tomorrow morning. 

Physics sucks. I reviewed circuits, capacitors, and resistors today.

I watched Age of Adeline. It was a cute movie, I was prepared to cry but it was a happy movie. 

Today’s thoughts of you were about us reuniting at my apartment. I was considering not having sex with you but ultimately if it felt right I would do it. I imagined I would tell you “ let’s have sex first and talk later” lol. I imagined I would be crying while I kiss you. 

As of now I am not on a celibacy journey. I wouldn’t want to call it that. I truly don’t want to have sex with anyone else. I do think I will wait for marriage just to avoid sex and to try a relationship from a different approach. Maybe it will hurt less sans the sex if the relationship doesn’t work out. It will definitely help me eliminate one directional guys. I watched some videos on youtube about breakups and someone commented on the video about how you break up, meet someone new, and then the cycle continues which is very funny. 

I don’t feel bad about not being a virgin. I feel like i’m suppose to but there is no shame there for me and I’m so glad about that. Feeling shame to me would mean I regret what I had with Andrew and I don’t. It makes me happy how it happened and all the love that was involved. We truly made love to each other. Why would I regret that? I bring this up because I saw a post on facebook that encouraged women to wait for marriage and it said #being engaged doesn’t count. I thought that last part was funny.  Reading/ hearing things like this before would make me feel a little bad for a second and that was it. In the comments someone said they were a born again virgin. I don’t care to be one. I’m fine not being one. I’m naturally a prude so I won’t be screaming that on roof tops but I definitely won’t carry shame for it. I’m not a virgin and my future husband will have to be ok with that; with me as I am. It’s funny because I use to have a problem with Drew not being a virgin like me and the fact that he had been with about 8 other people but we discussed it one really good and it wasn’t an issue anymore. 

I think I’m still waiting for you to email me back... subconsciously. I don’t regret emailing you still. It had to be done to relieve that never ending thought.  

There were no tears today.

[dearandrew2016]

...

Today is Sunday and I have to work. It has been a rough day. I keep crying. I miss you. I have to go to work in 32 minutes so I have to pull it together. I made chili. It tastes ok. It could be better. I ran out to the store to get pino because I forgot to get 3 different types of beans for a 3 bean chili ( I can’t believe I missed that). I probably would have tasted better in the crockpot. 

I wonder what you are doing right now. Did you call Tiwanada back?

Hopefully at work today I can organize my life a bit. 

How long until the sadness goes away?

I literally just want to sleep allllll dayyyy. 

Once I’m all healed from all of this I promise I will ensure I never feel this way again.

I just want like at least a good 2 hours with you to hash things out. REALLL Closure. Something. 

I’m home now, showered and in bed. I feel a lot better. This morning was rough. 

Sometimes I think what if we aren’t meant to be now but possibly in the future?

OR what if I meant to be with someone I meet in Med school? IDK!@?

You suck either way for doing this to me.

I got my life together today at work. I figured out 2 potential MCAT test dates, deadline for the committee letter, and when I should start shadowing. Figuring all of that out is so relieving.

Let’s see what tomorrow’s emotions bring.

[dearandrew2016]

Dear Andrew

I’ve created another problem. Now I’m waiting for you to email me back. I have no idea what you are thinking. I’m pretty sure you’ve read it. Maybe you are thinking of what to say.

I didn’t start MCAT studying this morning. I just let myself sleep in.

I made an eye appointment. I just hope I don’t go blind before I go to it in November. 

I feel so conflicted. Idk what I expect from you. Honesty maybe. I need you to tell me your’re with her.

I can confirm the lingering sadness is gone. I just have moments of sadness. That’s progress. 

Hopefully I don’t seem desperate. Hopefully you don’t say stop emailing me. 

Man, you’re really not going to reply. 

Reasons why:

1. You’re trying to be a good boyfriend

2. You don’t want to talk to me

3. You haven’t checked your email

Is it bad that I go into the Netflix viewing log and see what times you watch things? Currently you are watching Luke Cage. I’m waiting for you to finish it so I can watch it.

I seriously want to know how you are.

Lately I’ve been having thoughts about how we would reconnect if we actually had that opportunity. Would it start out at a bar in Richmond? Neutral ground?

This all is still hard to believe. 

It’s Thursday and I still haven’t started studying for the MCAT.

Going to Maryland to only visit Erin will be hard for me. I know I can’t tell you I’m going there because you can’t even reply to my email.

My mind is plagued with good and bad memories. I relive our last good moments together in mind as well as the moments you explaining to me your betrayal. It’s all soooo confusing because when we were together last you told me you loved me several times and you kissed me in front of your brother. I didn’t force you to do or say anything. 

Needless to say I won’t be reaching out anymore.

Tiwanda texted me today asking if I had heard from you. When I only glanced at the text I got so scared the text was saying something was wrong with you and my heart stopped for a second. It’s funny she texted me because I’ve been meaning to reach out to her but I don’t think I want her to know all this mess. I will not lie to her though if she ever asks why we don’t talk. She told me that she wanted to tell you about a job near you and at first I read the text as a she found a job near her in NOVA which made me happy. That would mean you would have to leave her but that’s not what it said. Regardless I bet you won’t look into the job offer she found because you just don’t take advantage of good opportunities when they are presented to you. I DON’T KNOW WHY!?!

I went to paint night tonight and it was fun. I actually didn’t feel as stressed out like last time. Maybe because I was in the front I could copy everything she did lol. I wanted to send you a pic of it but I won’t. I even put it on the wall! As I drove home I thought about our paint night and other thoughts and a few tears came out. I wanted to do another paint night with you. I have to keep reminding myself you have a girlfriend. I wanted to tell Tiwanda that you have a girlfriend. It’s so weird to say. I need the hope I have for us to go away. I keep imagining that one day you will come to Richmond and you will call me. Will I see  you again and where will this happen?

It’s been 2 weeks and still out of it. On the drive home I was thinking, am I crazy for creating a blog where I’m writing to you?? Is this bad? Maybe at first it was ok but Idk if this blog is healthy. 

I hope Tiwanda gets in touch with you and I hope you are doing ok. You and your girlfriend. 

Week 2 thoughts

[dearandrew2016]

Dear Andrew

I’m about to do it. Today is Sunday (10/9) and I’m about to send you an email. I have to. I keep fixating on it. If I just do it I will be done with it. 

I did it. I sent you this: 

I read online it takes 2 months to form a new habit.  That is a longtime. It's only been 7 days and here I am ruining my progress but I will start over. I hate that I now have to avoid you; it's way too much work.  You have no idea how hard I've fought contacting you and how different this email would have been a few days ago. How are you? emotionally? Did she take you back? Those are the most important questions to ask. Lord knows I have tons more but there will always be more questions. I don't hate you fyi. I've been doing really good not saying a word to you since my "end of an era" email and I really want to stop talking to you but it's hard. I know I will always have questions. The grass is green where you water it.

Idk what kind of response I expect from you. My goal is not to get you back but see how your week went post the event; see how you are feeling. Did she comfort you? If she did then you were probably fine all week. I know you though. You have a heart and you care about me so I have no doubt you felt some sort of sadness. We shall see what your response is. I’m kind of nervous. I have no clue what you will say. I doubt it will make me cry. I hope you reply because there is a slight chance that you won’t. 

If we got back together I think it would be super hard for me to forget this entire ordeal. I don’t want to be your second choice. The desire to be with is inside me but the going through all of this clouds that desire. 

Erin asked me once If I’m afraid that I can’t find better or if I’m afraid to be alone. I can’t quite remember exactly what she asked but it was one of those questions. At times I afraid I will be alone forever but overall I’m ok with it. I do a lot solo, even in our long distance relationship. I go to church alone, grocery store, the movies, and out to dinner. Being alone is nothing new to me. I’m I afraid that I can’t find someone better. Partially. I feel like you were what I wanted; an intelligent black man. I love Jeopardy and my dad and I watch it together when I am home. My dad is very good at jeopardy which may surprise some because he mostly worked as a mailman which doesn’t require vast knowledge and yet my dad is better at jeopardy than me. I have a bachelors degree and was in IB in high school. I’m always impressed by someone that is good at Jeopardy and you are good at it. I LOVED watching you and your mom watch jeopardy  together. It was so funny and you both were so good at it. I typically only get at least one question right but getting one always satisfies me. Your mom got the final jeopardy question just like my dad does sometimes. I say all of that to say I love your brain. I’ve told you that before. I’m going to say it, the type of black man I want is hard to fine. I want a black man with brains and personality. You had so much personality. You are the type of black man I want so why should I go and find another? That is my lengthy response to Erin.

I didn’t say it in my previous email but I hope you don’t use our netlfix account to watch things with her let alone give her our password. If the former happens (which is likely), I hope she sees our KD profile and asks about it. 

I keep torturing myself with you saying that you still want to work it out with her. I doesn’t really hurt me anymore so maybe torture isn’t the word. It’s weird now to realize it. This is the part where I would bring up the repeat questions “What so great about her?” and so on but it doesn’t matter. She is still want you want. 

I so badly want to read this blog to you a month or so from now. Preferably you will be single and you will come to my apartment and we can sit on my couch and just get everything out. By then hopefully I will have a tv and tv stand because after we could watch Netflix lol Idk just a thought. Usually what I want or plan doesn’t happen so I can’t get my hopes up. I at the very least want you to know the aftermath of the event in some sit down form.

This is the week I finallyy buckle down and study for the MCAT. The procrastination has to stop. I’m running out of time. 

It’s crazy to think we could be living together right now. I asked you to move in with me, granite not the right way because I told you to respond quickly before I changed my mind. I also didn’t whole heartily want it  but I kind of did so I asked you anyway and it blew up in my face. It was so cute to hear the excitement in your voice.  

What would it be like if we lived together? Sex every night of course lol at least for the first year (what if I got preggo?). It would be hard though since I work evenings but I would have considered changing that for you. Hopefully you would cook dinner for us more than the other way around. I hate that cooking together caused us to fight lol Being with you definitely showed me how dominate and controlling I can be which shocks me. I had no idea I was that way and also you would tell me how mean I am which is equally shocking. We would probably do everything together at first but then we would reach the point where we would get sick of each other. I wish I could have experienced that with you despite the bad that would come with it. 

The Christian problem. Yes I wanted a Christian man. No secret. That’s how I’ve been raised. In the church as a Christian. You can’t fault me for that just like I can’t fault you for not being a Christian. I loved that you went to church with me anyway (more than once too). I still loved you despite our differences on religion. One our last fights was about the bible. In that moment I really was offended by your views. 

When we broke up I was actually ok with it. I was still mad about our disagreement over the bible and snapchat. I do believe you brought up the idea first and I just agreed. It’s crazy that we were both wanting it. I know in the moment you started to change your mind. Afterwards I wasn’t sad because it didn’t feel any different at the the time losing the title. With time it did hit me and I remember texting you a crazy text and you calling me and I was bawling my eyes out. 

I hope I don’t get mad or sad if you don’t reply. I could see myself feeling ignored. Would you be ignoring me because of her? Has she read our emails? What does she think of me? Does she hate me? I would only have a problem with her if she has been pouncing on you this entire time but the blame ultimately goes on you. Yes you were single but we were still “breaking up” and figuring things out. 

Post break up we only hooked up thrice. That’s not bad. Break up in May, hook up in May, June and September. 

I concluded the email with “the grass is greener where you water it” because I knew it would seem a bit cryptic. What is says it what it means. I heard it in a youtube video and it has stuck with me ever since. Hopefully you find some deeper meaning for it in your life. 

[dearandrew2016]

Dear Andrew,

Today is Saturday (10/8/16). I had brunch with a friend at Bakers Crust. The restaurant we went to once and as soon as we sat down I realized I didn’t have my wallet so we left. Idk why you didn’t offer to pay but you didn’t so we left. Bakers Crust is actually really good. 

 I was going to send you an email today titled “It’s been a week”.

It was going to say “ As I'm sure you know it takes 21 days to break a habit and my habit is talking to my ex. It's only been 7 days and here I am ruining my progress but I will start over. I hate that I now have to avoid you.  You have no idea how hard I've fought contacting you and how different this email would have been a few days ago. How are you? Did she take you back?”

I wrote it and then decided to leave to run a few errands. As I was driving home I decided not to send it. I’m going to try and pinpoint the moments when I most want to reach out too you. Is it my days off? Maybe once I start studying for the MCAT the feeling will fade. Studying for that test takes way longer than 21 days. I need to pick a test date!? 

Last night I put the picture book you gave me and some others pictures of us in box and placed it in my closet like Lorelei did forher Ex’s on Gilmore Girls (I can’t remember if you gave me that picture book for Vday). I imagined I was going to cry while doing it but I didn’t. Last night I was actually in a good mood. I looked at some old pics of us on my phone as well. I haven’t deleted my phone pics of you. I don’t think I need to or will. I think what I might do is put them all on my external hard drive which I rarely access so I don’t look at old pics of you too often. Looking at pics of you don’t make me cry so far. It’s still weird to me that you let me take pics of us together when we spent out last day together knowing you had a gf. I try to see if I can see any resistance or weirdness in your eyes and I don’t. 

As I was driving today I started to tear up thinking out how bad of place I was at when I first found out you had gf. I couldn’t see up from down. I felt so distraught and out of it. Each day I would let me self sleep in and when I decided to wake up I would immediately watch a youtube video, specifically the skorpion show, so that I could focus on something else and maybe even laugh. Writing this blog helps me to stop feeling distracted and actually feel something; feel the sadness I have inside. When I go back and proof read my post I try not to change too much because I want to remember exactly how I felt in that moment.

I imagine one day that I will read these posts to you. I thought maybe I’ll let you read it to yourself but I’ve decided I’ll just read it out loud to you and will answer every single question presented to you. 

I don’t hate you fyi. I just hate that you made me feel this way. You loved me and hurt me. 

I told you on the phone but I will reiterate that you have good taste. New girl is a college girl too!? WOW

Even if I did get you back Idk know how our relationship would last through med school. I would be busy all the time studying. How does one have a good relationship while in med school?

If I married someone else I’m inviting Tiwanda (the step-mom) to the wedding fyi lol 

While I was driving home I was thinking about how even though our relationship had flaws I still want to call it perfect. I’m at the stage where I’m ignoring all the bad. I just view our relationship as perfect. 

I was watching a youtube video of Shannon Boodram discussing her sex life history and she finished by talking about her current partner and how great he is. I was thinking “I had that!” while I was watching that. I felt like we were fine with our sex life; we were in sync. We had sex everyday for the longest time lol I’m so lucky I got that the first time. That definitely sets the bar high. I loved that you never pressured my to be a certain way and I’m talking shaving, personality, and appearance (I hope you feel the same way but you might disagree). I felt 100% comfortable with you. I loved that you said I was beautiful when I you saw me again the first time in 3 months. It’s crazy that no matter the time or distance between us we have instant chemistry and emotions arise when we simply see each other.  With the long list of differences we had the one thing you can't say we didn't have was chemistry. 

I can say that honestly today (10/8/16) I no longer feel that lingering sadness. I feel ok today. I still cry at times but I don’t have that overall sadness underneath a laugh or smile. I’m so happy for my friend Shannon, she had a pharmacy interview today! I’m sure she did fine.

Blogging is my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. I’m glad I gave in and did it. I knew with journaling I wouldn’t like my messy handwriting and I would worry if I spelled things wrong. 

Today I almost sent you an email but I’m glad that with time that desire faded. I can do this... I can refrain from communicating with you. 21 days.

[dearandrew2016]

Dear Andrew,

Today is exactly a week from when we had a wonderful day together after my birthday. When I woke up I thought today might actually be different; I wasn’t going to lay in bed for an hour and let my mind wander about why you chose her over me and that I won’t feel my lingering sadness. I was partially right, my mind didn’t wander. I still miss you and I feel conflicted because I feel like if I had the opportunity I would take you back. I want to ask you if she took you back and if she did that’s cool and if she didn’t i’m not sure if I would really want you back which is why there is no point in asking you. The outcome may not be favorable in either case. I wonder if she is the one for you. That would be crazy, I think she’s your rebound and she just satisfies you because she’s there and I’m not. You told me that she made you feel better about yourself. I wonder if I made you feel like less of man because I would pay for everything. I wonder if being with her makes you feel more masculine because your’re older than her and you feel dominate. I need to keep all these thoughts written out in the event that I get to ask you these questions one day or tell you my thoughts. I do feel like one day we will have a discussion and be completely honest with each other. Hopefully by then I would have dated someone else so that I can see what it’s like to be with someone else.

To make me feel remotely better I try to think of all the reasons why we wouldn’t have worked out anyway, It’s bad but I remember when we were together I would have thoughts about us needing to break up. I hated that you weren’t stable- you couldn’t support yourself. I did care that you weren’t a christian. I always thought that even if we wanted to get married that you couldn't be able to afford an engagement ring, let alone a wedding. 

Even though you cheated on your current gf I think I could still trust you... I think. I’m 99% sure you didn’t cheat on me. I will just probably fixate on the fact that you moved on and lied to me about it. I know you lied because you knew the truth would mean I wouldn’t want to talk to you anymore.

Because you’re basically broke I felt confident that you literally couldn’t date anyone. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! And that the fact that you still loved me I thought meant you couldn’t fathom being with another. 

This break up is the second hardest loss I’ve ever experienced. The first would be Erin’s mom’s death. Lord knows I've been single for majority of my life anyway so i just have to continue living how I was before I met you. Dating after you will be hard simply because of my personality. I’m labeled as “shy”, I feel like I look like a child, and I’m definitely going to be super picky this time around. NO sex before marriage because literally I can’t be intimate with anyone right now. It took a lot for you and I to do that. BUTTT i do think If we reconnected I would make an exception for you. In general you are my exception. I would do anything for you. I thought about what if I had or should move to Maryland but I should have done that a long time ago. I should have went with you when you left.

Losing you made me question what I wanted for my life. Do I still want to go to Med school?  That was my thought on Sunday night but I’m starting to feel more stable. I’m supposed to be studying for the MCAT and I’m struggling to get out of bed everyday so that will commence next week. I need a week to process and reflect. I kind of want to call Tiwanda and not blast you but just have her remind me why I’m better off without you. Idk who I should talk to about this. I kind of don’t want to talk about it but sometimes I do. I do think with each day I do feel a bit better. Work is the bestttt distraction. I kinda wish I could work everyday right now. Work helps me leave my apartment and interact with humans. I feel like I’m walking around with a secret, I feel ashamed for some reason. 

I wonder if I will ever see you again. I have a feeling I will. I could see it happening if you came to Richmond or at your parent’s house.

I wonder how long your relationship will last. When will you start calling her your gf? why didn’t you want to refer to her as your gf? Don’t down play her meaning to you when talking about her with me ( that’s rude). Will you marry her? Will you have a relationship longer than 3 years with her? What happens after she graduates? When will you introduce her to your family? I met your family all in the same day and on the day we officially became a couple. I love your family. Will they like her more than me? Does she look like me? Are her boobs bigger than mine?--- that question really kills me, what does she look like? Does she act like me? Is she cooler than me? Does she get along better with you and relate with you better? Do you guys have more in common than we did? How soon will yal have sex? Will sex be better with her? Will you think of me when you have sex with her? How long will you wait? We waited about 2 years. How long will it take you to fall in love with her? Who will say it first? Are you going to live with her? Have her children? Does she know the difference between concave and convex?

If I find out you had sex with her Idk how I will react. That would really hurt me. Idk how I would really get that info though.

I’m proud of myself because I haven’t contacted you since sunday morning (10/2). We shall see how long I can go. Maybe in a month I will check in with you. I want to know how you are feeling. I want to make sure we partially stay in touch. I want to know what major events happen in your life. I don’t want this messed up situation to weigh you down.

I’m glad I’m working this Thanksgiving because I won’t feel so sad that I won’t be with you this year. It’s crazy to think I’ve spent the last two years with you and your family on Thanksgiving which is amazing. I had a great time both times. 

Will we ever get back together? If we do I want us to go to therapy.  I want to make sure are life goals align. I want to marry you and have several kids with you. I know your’re not a Christian but i don’t care anymore.

I know I said I couldn’t marry you and that I pictured my self with a christian man. The latter is still true but I’m not sure about the former. Was I not patient enough with you? If I had waited longer would you finally have your big break and stand on your own two feet? When I was with you last you told me not to wait for you and I said “If I want to wait that is my choice.”

I feel like I have to work on detaching myself from you. I feel attached to you; like my soul is tied to yours. 

The hardest point is knowing I can’t talk to you anymore. I was already use to not talking to you everyday anymore.

Do you hold her hand in public?

I loved how different we were from each other down to our skin tone and which hand we wrote with. You are very emotional which is good and bad. It was good when it came to expressing your love to me and telling me how you really feel but it sucked when you would get mad at me. You knew yelling at me would not get your point across  but you did it anyway. I’ll never forget when you yelled at me in the parking lot of kroger, you literally grabbed my arm and stopped me so I would listen to you. That was embarrassing and I’m sure people thought things about us. I loved that you don’t care what people think and you helped me to try and be that way too. Your anger and tantrums showed me how immature you are but you already knew that. A pet peeve of mine is that you would always leave my in an isle at a store because you would randomly walk away since you were done but I wasn’t and then I would have to find you. You did that a target when we were last together but luckily I had an idea where you were going but sometimes I had no clue were you went which led me to lose you that one time i in the DC target. Certain things made you flip out in the drop of dime. Sometimes I had to feel you out to see how you would be for the day. I loved when you would talk in my ear during a movie to add your own commentary. I’m sorry I fall asleep during movies. I’m mostly sleepy all the time. I loved that you randomly kiss me on my cheek during a movie or trick me into a smooch. 

What will you get her for Valentines day? Girls like gifts, you will have to do something, especially for yals first Vday. Will you hang out with her on New years and share a kiss at midnight?

Will you reach out to me first or will I be reaching out to you first?

What if we had a nice simple life together? I continued my job now and I would just be a wife and mother. I do believe I can have it all though. I could be a doctor, your wife, and the mother to your kids. I do believe that could happen but I’m sorta ok with either. I just wouldn’t want to regret not being a doctor. 

Do you have anything to say to me? 

I love your mind. I’ve told you that before. I love how weird you are. I even found your cussing cute sometimes... not all the time but sometimes. You are funny too.

I never got to ride around with you in your car. We didn’t get to meet up in between often ( just once and it was after we broke up)

Is she a christian? Is her family like mine? What are her future plans? Do they involve you?

Asking all these questions will help me get over all this. I will reach a point when I have exhausted every avenue. 

I’m struggling so hard right now not to email you- I might just do it. I try to make myself wait and if I still feel this way later I should just do it. I just wonder if we had an adequate form of closure but it doesn’t matter. OUR LAST EMAIL and phone call TO EACH OTHER WILL SERVE AS THE CLOSURE. It would have been cool if it could have been done in person but that’s ok. According to an article I just read I’m doing what what they suggest. Write a letter to your ex and never send it him. I’m determined to let this be my first and only heartbreak story. After this I won’t let myself got so emotionally invested or I will remain single for the rest of my life.

MY CURRENT GOAL:  So you know what closure means and have taken all the right steps toward it, but how do you know when you’ve actually moved on?  Most experts say that you will feel a sense of freedom and acceptance.

Of course, there will be times that you miss your ex and even get upset over your breakup in the weeks or months afterwards. But eventually those intense feelings fade and you start to feel happy again. It is possible to be alone without being lonely.

Not Knowing

Asking someone why he broke up with you, or why it didn’t work out, is an exercise in futility (pointlessness or uselessness). Chances are, he may not even know himself. And if there are concrete reasons on his end, such as, “I hated your parents” or “I fell in love with my coworker,” do you really need to know this? No, you don’t.

Staying stuck in a place of despair and wanting a reconciliation with your ex will waste your time, energy, and tears. Wishing and hoping for your ex to come back takes an exhausting amount of emotional energy and doesn’t actually control the outcome

I will strive to regain normalcy by:

1. Studying for the MCAT

2. Make a new plan for applying to Med school- (when will I apply to the committee)

3. Write on here whenever  I feel sad to release my emotions

4. Go to an eye doctor because my right eye is messed up

5. Take care of my babies

6. Get a TV so I can indulge in netflix

7. Read a good book

8. Get out more/ Reconnect with friends- Hangout with Kathyrn

*These are my thoughts after week one of the event and last conversation

I’m really interested in seeing if he would randomly reach out to me. We shall see. 

[dearandrew2016]

This is happening

Well, here I go doing the very thing I kept debating whether I really wanted to start. I need an outlet right now to release all thoughts that have been plaguing my mind since the recent events that have occurred in my life. In May my boyfriend and I broke up (it was mutual) and now (3 months later) it’s realllly over. It will get into that more a bit later. I want to get out my intentions for this blog. I need this blog so that I don’t go crazy keeping in all my emotions and thoughts. I’m not sure how long I will do this for or how often but I just really have a lot to say and I don’t really know who else to share it with. 

THE EVENT-

In shorthand my exboyfriend (which is really weird to say) and I recently reconnected for my birthday and it was amazing. It wasn’t until I returned home that he revealed that he has what I will essentially call a girlfriend (for whatever reason he wouldn’t call her that). This information crushed me. I was driving at the time when he told me and it took me a minute to react because I was utterly shocked. 

THE RESULT-

I emailed him that same night with raw emotions saying how betrayed and hurt I felt. I’m talking multiple emails, some long and some short. I told him he better call me with answers to all my questions and he did call me the next day. 

THE AFTERMATH-

I created a draft email of what I want to say him because of course I have more questions. His email address is not in the TO box; it’s just a draft to noone essentially. I thought it would satisfy the desire to actually want to send it but now I want to send him the email. I keep going back and forth as whether I should do it but my final opinion is that I shouldn’t. I keep telling myself that whatever he responds won’t make me feel better so I shouldn't do it. As of now I feel a lingering since of sadness. Now I see how someone could feel depressed or suicidal after a break up. When I found out he had basically moved on I couldn’t control my emotions. That night I kept bursting out into tears sporadically. 

IF I COULD ASK HIM MORE QUESTIONS: Why did you choose her over me? Is she a virgin? (I’m nosey and like to every detail) Why did you ask me what would it take for us to get back together? Were you just curious or was it what you wanted at the time? How long do you think this relationship will last?

Maybe I’m being a hater but I personally think they are each others rebounds and it won’t last but at the same time it could last. She helps him with his hair and he will always need help with that but she will be graduating next year so maybe a job will take her elsewhere.