dear-my-future-love

[dear-my-future-love]

Dear my future love,

I’m not sure if anyone is ever going to actually love me. I feel so alone.

I wish I wasn’t alone

[dear-my-future-love]

Dear my future love,

I think the thing that appeals to me most about the idea of soulmates is that there’s someone out there for me. That there’s going to be someone out there who loves me specifically.

They love the person I am and find me beautiful and interesting. Maybe most of all, they understand me.

I’ve just gotten to college and honestly I’m doing better than I thought I would. I get along well with my suitemates and I have a solid group of friends. Classes aren’t too hard. Life is good.

Except that I’m the second choice. I am always the second choice.

I’m not saying that to inspire pity. I’m really not. I understand that’s just the way things are sometimes. I get it, I really do. It just really sucks. It really hurts.

I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. If I fucking knew, I would fix it. If I needed to be more this or more that, I would do it in a second. But I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying so hard, I am, but it’s not working.

My suitemates are closer to each other, which is understandable because they live in a room together and I have a separate room. I get that. The thing is they used to invite me to go eat with them or to watch movies with them. Today they didn’t even bother to do either.

And there’s this person who I’ve been hanging out with recently who I really like, but who I get the feeling that they don’t like me as much as I like them. I’m always texting them first and inviting them to do things and they’ve never asked me in return. I would put it down to them being shy maybe, but they seem perfectly comfortable asking other people to hang out. I don’t know.

I just wish I was someone’s number one. I don’t even know what’s wrong. Sometimes I feel like I’m never enough for anyone, that I’m not interesting enough. I swear I have a rich inner life, I’m always thinking of something and sometimes it feels like there are galaxies in my mind when it comes to all the worlds in my mind, but when I try to talk to someone, none of it comes out. I’m just the nice, shy girl.

My therapist once said “If you hide yourself away, you don’t give anyone anything to hate but you also don’t give them anything to love either.” I want to give people things about me to love, but I can’t. I’ve hidden myself for so long and I don’t even know how to begin to stop doing that. I wish someone would reach out to me anyway, that they would care to see that I just need a bit of time to feel safe opening up. That I could be interesting enough if they just gave me time.

Of course there’s the fear that I’m deluding myself and that I’m not really that interesting at all. Maybe everyone can just sense that.

I don’t know. I feel lost. I want to be found. By someone, anyone really at this point. I wish you were here. I’m not a person that needs a ton of friends. I wouldn’t mind having the group of friends I have, my suitemates, and one really close friend. That would be all I needed.

I’m sorry. I’ve been rambling about myself for way too long. I hope that you’re doing okay. The world is still in a pandemic and I hope you’re staying safe. More than anything, I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re more than one person’s number one. You’ll be mine eventually, of course, but I want you to be other people’s as well. It’s all you deserve and more. I hope you see the best in the world and I pray more than anything that the world is kind to you. I don’t know who you are yet, but I know already that every part of you is dear to me. Every imperfection, physical or otherwise, all of it.

Maybe I just need some more time to adjust and some more time to make friends. It’s still the beginning of the year after all. Who knows, maybe I’ll even meet you soon. There’s always a chance.

I’m not sure how to end this, but I’m eternally hoping for a happy future with you.

Yours forever,

L.

9/14/20

“My soul made love

to your soul

long before

our bodies met

When I first

laid my eyes

on you,

I recognized you.

You held my future

in your hands.”

- Anita Krizzan

[dear-my-future-love]

Dear my future love,

It’s currently 2020 and the world is a shit show. You know, I should be surprised but I’m not. Because of the current situation, I’ve been stuck in my house with nothing to do but think.

I was supposed to graduate this year. I mean, I guess I did, at 2:00 pm alone in my room, but it’s not really the same as what it would have actually been like. I was never one that was into school events, but it just sort of...hurts to leave it off like that. I didn’t even know my last day would be my last day. I didn’t get to savor any memories. One day, I was at school and the next I learned I was never going to go back to school ever again. High school was over just like that.

It’s just weird and to have my life suddenly change so fast, it’s hard. I’m sure you’re experiencing the same thing right now and I hope you’re safe. I hope you’re happy, even if times are tough right now.

I miss you. I miss you so goddamn much and I don’t even know you. Believe me, I feel absolutely crazy saying that. I’ve probably deluded myself into thinking there’s some perfect person out there that’s going to fit with me completely. God knows I’ve heard enough people say that love doesn’t really work like that. Maybe my standards are too high or maybe I’m incapable of true love. Either one is a distinct possibility.

I’m sorry that this is a very rambling letter with very little coherence. It’s 5:41 in the morning and I just feel very...empty. I haven’t felt that way in a long time, but now that I’ve been separated from my friends and other people for weeks, the feeling has come back full force. I tried to fill it by talking to another guy, someone who I knew wasn’t you, but I thought it could at least be fun, you know? I told him up front that it wouldn’t be serious, that I would be leaving soon. He didn’t get the message and now I don’t really know what to do about him. I have to cut him off, I know. Tell him that I don’t feel the same way, but somehow, this makes everything worse. I can’t like someone like he likes me. I feel broken because I feel nothing romantically towards him. Not really. All there is is a voice chanting in my head “not right, not right, not right”

Except the thing is, will I ever think anyone is right? Will I ever meet you? The person I’m pretty sure exists, but that I don’t know for sure does. I used to believe you were out there somewhere, but now I’m not so sure. Are soulmates even real? I guess, reasonably, one would conclude that they aren’t. I want to be reasonable, I swear I do, but I can’t be. I want to believe so fucking bad that it hurts. There’s a bone deep part of me that says you’re out there and that all I have to is find you. Then, everything will make sense. I really hope that’s true.

This is so clichè, but I want to watch the stars with you. I want to talk about everything and nothing. I want to hold you and laugh with you and cry with you and for you and be there for you. I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation, but sometimes I feel like my thoughts brush against a thousand lifetimes, ones that I know you were in.

I am scared by how much I love someone I don’t know.

I realize how insane that sounds, believe me, I do. Have I mentioned that I’m a Pisces sun with a Cancer moon? I don’t know how much faith I put in astrology either, but anyone who does believe in it will probably understand what drove me to write this letter. Pisces and Cancer are both sensitive signs, so it’s like getting hit with a double dose of sensativity and inherent ability to dream. I have an overactive imagination.

Anyway, I should be sleeping, but I felt the need to talk to you tonight. I think I feel better. I don’t really know. I hope you’re real and that we meet soon. God, I really hope that you’re somewhere in the world.

I will love you forever and always

L.

5/16/20

“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine” - Maya Angelou

[dear-my-future-love]

Dear My Future Love,

Hello again! It’s been awhile since I wrote last. I’ve thought about it a couple times, but I just never actually got around to it. I think this is the first time I’ve written on this blog when I was actually happy, so that’s a good change of pace.

I feel like I’ve grown a lot this year. I feel better being on my own than I used to and less lonely. Sure, it’s sucked not having a deep, romantic relationship with anyone in high school, but I’m over it now. I’ve always been a firm believer in the fact that certain things and people have to come into your life at the right time. Some people just aren’t meant to be high school sweethearts. I wish we were, but everyone’s love story has a way that it’s meant to work out. I’m sure whatever our love story ends up being that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There are lots of great things going on in my life right now! I got accepted into my dream college and while school sucks, it’s definitely is a lot better than it was last year. I have my best friend who I love and and I have a family who loves me. I’m luckier than most and I’m surrounded by love, even if it’s not the romantic kind. Of course, that doesn’t stop loneliness from creeping in from time to time and I’m prone to daydreaming, but that’s relatively normal I guess.

I mostly decided to write this tonight because I was idly wondering about you. It’s sort of a trippy concept to imagine that you’re out there casually living your life and that one day our lives will cross. Hopefully anyway. I always fear I won’t ever meet anyone who I’ll fall in love with, but considering how young I am, I should probably just try to relax. It’s not like I don’t have time.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy. I hope that you’re achieving your goals and surrounded by friends and family who bring you happiness. As I mentioned in my last letter, waiting sucks but after awhile, I guess I’ve gotten good at it. As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait, so I suppose you’re incredibly amazing (not that I didn’t already know that).

This is a bit less “deep” than the other things I’ve written, but I think it’s important to post the more happy things I think too. I’m not constantly bemoaning the fact that I (most likely) haven’t met you yet. Most of the time, I feel fulfilled and am genuinely happy. I figured that was important to mention. I hope you feel the same way.

I love you always and I hope to see you soon!

L.

2/17/20

“The heart knows when the search is over”

[dear-my-future-love]

[dear-my-future-love]

Dear Future Love,

I was going to write this really long letter to you, explaining how I felt and why I was choosing to write tonight, but I don't think I have the energy. I'm just sad tonight and I thought this would help. Maybe I think too much about love. That is certainly a possibility. I'm doing this after all, which probably isn't exactly normal. Who knows, but I just want to meet you and get that part over with. Despite being awkward and shy, I think that even the beginning phases would be nicer than the waiting. Like I said before, I sort of just want to wait for you. This might be a slight tangent, but I think I might be demisexual so that probably has a part in that. Anyway, I don't date much. It's just difficult. Both because of my shyness and because I'm not particularly interested in anyone I go to school with. Like, I know it's totally fine just to date for fun, especially in high school, but my demisexual ass doesn't like that. It's only interested in you apparently, or whoever I get close enough to that they could be you. Hooray. If I sound a bit cynical, I think it's because I'm feeling that way. Also, school starts soon and that's never fun. At least I'll be a senior and I'll only have to survive through one more year of high school. But, school is probably also contributing to my cynical mood. I don't know, I get that I'm young and the amount of people that meet their soulmate in high school is extremely low. I've just never been good at being patient. I did say this was going to be a short letter and it did get longer than expected, but I'm going to try and wrap it up here. I hope you're doing okay, wherever you are. I hope you're happy. I hope you're living life to the fullest up until and after we meet. As much as I like to complain and worry, I know that we'll meet at the right time for both of us. I just have to keep that in mind, even if it's hard. Forever yours, L. 8/11/19 "I hate waiting. But if waiting means being able to be with you, I'll wait as long as forever to be with you."

[dear-my-future-love]

Dear Future Love,

I feel like this is very stupid and not a thing that normal rational people do, but I guess if you love me, you understand me.  I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now and I don’t know, tonight just seemed like the right night I guess.  Sometimes I get sad.  I don’t always know why, but it’s just like this ache in my chest and it can be hard to ignore sometimes.  Thinking about you helps, which I know sounds absolutely crazy.  Whenever I’m having a bad day though, I imagine you.  I know you must be out there, doing something.  I imagine the day I get to meet you, our wedding, basically everything.  I wish that I had a specific person that I was writing this to, but I don’t think I’ve met you yet.  I know people say that love at first sight doesn’t exist, but I feel like I’ll just know somehow when I’ve met you?  That probably sounds stupid.  Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll ever let you read any of these, honestly, I don’t know if I’ll write any after this one, but I’m writing this because tonight I want to talk to you and this is the only way that I know how.  

So, I was reading some Matt/Foggy fics, which I’m a bit obsessed with at the moment.  I love the trope of best friends falling in love.  I think it’s because I want you to be my best friend and so that ship really pull on my heart strings.  Reading them got me thinking about you and wondering what you were up to at the moment.  You could be doing anything honestly, but the most likely option is probably sleeping.  At this moment though, I imagine that you’re awake too and that you’re thinking of me.  Not me specifically obviously, but the concept of me I guess?  It makes me feel better when I imagine that.  I don’t know what you look like, hell, I don’t even know if you’re a man or a woman, but I know I love you.  Is that absolutely crazy?  I already love you so much that I can feel my chest ache sometimes.  I think that’s why I can’t stand dating in high school.  None of them are right; none of them are you.  I dated someone and he wasn’t right, I knew that from the beginning.  I ignored it because as we probably both know by whatever point you’re reading this, sometimes I do dumb things.  

Prom is coming up soon.  It’ll be in April at the aquarium.  I wish I could go with you, but I probably won’t.  Most likely, I’ll end up chilling with the otters, but that’s not so bad.  I’ll think about you some.  I think about you a lot when it’s romantic things like that.  I’ll probably imagine what it would be like if we had gotten to spend our prom together.  Probably pretty fucking amazing.  

I miss you.  Can you miss someone you haven’t met yet?  I know most people would say no, but I think you can.  When I’m sad, I miss you the most.  You’re missing and I feel like my soul can feel that.  I don’t think the sad feeling would be gone, even if you were here, but I think it would be better.  I would have you with me.  

You want to know one of my greatest fears?  It’s never getting to meet you or that you don’t exist at all.  That there really isn’t someone out there who’s meant to be with me.  There are a lot of men and women that don’t get married, and I know that being single is okay, but I don’t want that.  I want you to be in my life.  I’m scared that I’ll never find you.  I know I said that I’m worried that you don’t exist, but I don’t think that’s true.  I know you exist.  I can feel out there...somewhere.  Before you met me, did you ever feel the same way or am I just absolutely crazy?

I’ve felt what might have been love only once.  I won’t go into detail here because I doubt you want to hear about that (if you do, you can ask), but it’s an emotion that’s so strong and so amazing, even just to feel.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to meet the person you’re meant to be with and have mutual love between each other.  I know relationships aren’t all sunshine and happy rainbows all the time, but giving someone all your love and then being able to get that love back in return?  I can only imagine how amazing that would be.  

I guess that’s what’s on my mind tonight.  If you’ve read this far, you’re either questioning my mental state or you feel extremely touched.  Personally, I’m hoping for the latter.  Just know that I’m looking at the stars and thinking about you tonight and that I love you.  I hope that you’re happy and I hope that you’re safe.  Even if you aren’t, know that I’m thinking about you and that I’m giving you my support.  I don’t know if that means anything, so far in the future, but just know that you’ve always had me supporting you.  I’ll blow a kiss to the stars for you tonight, my love.  I know stars aren’t messengers of love, but maybe they’ll make an exception, just this once.  I hope you look at the stars and feel loved, because you are, more than you could ever know.  

Always yours,

L. 1/7/19

“I will always love you, even if we’re not together and even if we’re far, far away from each other”

(I thought I would end each of these with a quote that sort of sums up how I’m feeling.  Why?  I have absolutely no idea)