dear-mummy

[dear-mummy]

Happy Mother’s Day

You taught me a lot, especially sacrifice. I would sacrifice it all for my children, biological or not. 

It was crazy not having you in my life, but my god it kills not having Locz. 

I don’t cry often and I try my best to block out the emotions but anyone who knows me knows how much it kills me, especially days like today. 

I still wish you could have met her. And my god how well Kayleigh and Kirsty are doing right now.. You’d be proud. I know you would. I would have loved to see the change in you when your grandchildren arrived. I hope there was one. 

I don’t think it would be a full transformation, but I think things would have been put into perspective. 

I’ve been looking after Locz longer than Ellie and Olivia have been together... that just seems crazy to think. My world has changed drastically, I’m a lot healthier, mentally and physically, but a part of me in missing. Always will be without her. 

I miss you too... It’s been a strange day. 

Love you mum. xx

[dear-mummy]

..

I haven’t spoke in a while. I don’t know where my heads been honestly. 

I hope you would be proud of how I’ve dealt with the situation. I miss her like crazy and I know you can see and I know you’d be wishing you could help and take away this pain. 

God mum I miss her like fucking crazy. I miss everything. 

I’m so glad I’m not with Liam anymore. I’m seeing my worth.. well, I’m trying too. 

I just want everything to be ok now. I want to be on top of things and to be that boss ass bitch I was seeing.

I miss the girls a bit... But I know things are different now and I’m not sure if I, nor them, can deal with it right now.

None of them have messaged me at all just to say hello, or ask how I am. I tried to do that with them a little, but I wanted to see if I was worth the ‘happy christmas’ but I wasn’t. I know everyone is struggling and I wish more than anything I can help them, however it was a big Christmas for me, and I didn’t even get a message. 

I don’t know if I’m being insensitive to them or not. But I needed to put myself first, I know you’d think I had done the right thing. 

I just wish I knew where to go from here. 

I’m assuming you now know your mum passed a few weeks ago... I hope you’re reunited and she comes to see you. You deserve your mum. I’m sorry if she didn’t... I think of you. We all do. 

But its your mum and dad that started this, that passed the abuse onto you, and you passed it onto us. But my god you should be proud of Kirsty!!!! She’s doing fucking amazing. I’ll follow in her footsteps. 

I do miss you though. Look over Loczanne for me. Please send a sign if I need to step in ok?

Sleep well... I love you to the moon and back. 

[dear-mummy]

Mum, what a year. I know you would be going mental at home with Caden and David in this lockdown.. but you would have been my bubble.

Can you see me? Can you see the mess I’m in and the hardship this year is bringing? What would you say? Would you agree?

I can’t stay mum, I know I’m worth more. But I don’t want to loose Locz. I don’t think I will but its a worry for sure.

What will I do? Where will I go? Where do I start? I know that I want to start my life. My journey and be a boss as bitch. I hope you’re proud.

**** is great, its been fun and ive felt alive the past few weeks, as you may be able to see. You’re one of the only people i could tell about this. And I know you would wind me up and say stuff that I would disagree with and tell you your wrong..... and then you end up being right.

I probably drunk a little too much last night, I was just so nervous. But it ended up being a great night, and I can’t remember the last time I cuddled like that, in a genuinely loving way, comfortable.

I don’t hate Liam. He’s done a lot for me and given me things ive always wanted. He has taught me a lot and shown me my worth in many different ways. I am thankful.

Gosh mum!! I just wish i could talk to you and you be able to talk back. I miss you so much lately. Every time there’s big changes i seem to miss you and miss having you around.

I love you to the moon and back!!

[dear-mummy]

Happy Birthday Mum

I miss you... it’s all I can really say right now.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote to you on here, I’m ashamed I’ve not stuck to it because I do think about you daily.

Part of me hopes you can’t see me for how shit I feel I’m doing right now.. but I do hope you’ll guide me through it.

Loczanne says happy birthday too! I love you mum x

[dear-mummy]

So bright tonight

Mum, I can feel that you’ve been with me today. Since this afternoon, whilst I was washing up, I smelt a whiff of smoke.. at first I thought Liam was home.. but then I realise it was you. I watched the vampire diaries tonight and one of the girls mum had cancer, she sat by her holding her hand as she died.. it hit me. So I went upstairs for some space, sat on my bed and beeming through the curtains, you!

I’m sat listen to the Spotify album names “mum” all your funeral songs and songs that remind me of you. Just led in bed, starting at you.

I feel like you’ve not been with me for a while, and I also feel like this is going to be a short visit. But I appreciate it. I just wish I could tell you everything going through my mind right now. I wish you could give me advice. I wish you could tell me you are okay now, safe, out of pain. But I know I can’t have any of these things. I promised I would never stop talking to you, and although I go through phases of not doing so, I will always come back to you mum.

I miss you. And I love you, to the moon, around each and every start, right back to my heart.

[dear-mummy]

I love the moon!!!! she follows me everywhere to make sure I’m safe

[dear-mummy]

via weheartit

[dear-mummy]

I need my mum right about now.

I’m struggling with this bloody illness and I don’t know how to handle it, I am, but honest I don’t know how. I just want to ring up my mum and shed just say the right thing and know what to do. I’m missing her so bloody much lately and it’s starting to kill me that I’ll never see her again. I just want everything to be good and I know that will never happen, something will always be fucking up my life, but I want her back so badly, especially when I’m having an off day.

[dear-mummy]

Hope is a passion for the possible.

Søren Kierkegaard, Fear and Trembling (via theliteraryjournals)

[dear-mummy]

[dear-mummy]

[dear-mummy]

I miss you so much mum.

SO fucking much. It's killing me inside and I'm sorry if I've left you down. When you were alive and even now you're not. I'm sorry.

[dear-mummy]

Happy Mother's Day! 🌺 💐

[dear-mummy]

[dear-mummy]

Aria Samantha Davis 💛

[dear-mummy]

[dear-mummy]