dear-diary-dear-world - Tumblr blog

[dear-diary-dear-world]

I really, really, really don't wanna live anymore

I don't really wanna live anymore.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

I don't really wanna live anymore.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

It's a bit scary and depressing to realise how when I am distraught and overwhelmed and out hurt, I get a compulsion to contact the people who have hurt me, with whom I have cut ties. It's so scary to realise self harm comes in many ways, but it's always a need for know and familiar pain.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

People are afraid of being alone, but I have to say that was good and easy. But being lonely in a relationship is soul crushing.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

[dear-diary-dear-world]

would someone be so kind as to end my life for me, since it seems like I can't do it myself? please and thank you

[dear-diary-dear-world]

[dear-diary-dear-world]

Can someone explain to me why I need to stay alive? I am tired. I am just dragging myself from one day to another and whenever there's a bit of quiet or a moment of contentment, something else happens.

I had just gotten over a thing that hurt me and now there's something else to be anxious about. And I know being anxious is on me, and that's the point.

I don't want this anymore.

I just... don't.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

[dear-diary-dear-world]

I’m so tired. I am tired of being the one who always notices and points out and asks and drives things forward. And then I feel bad, because it’s not their fault that they weren’t thought this. But neither was I. I am so tired.  It’s okay, I’ll do this, but can you at least take initiative in improving yourself? It would be so good to see any sign that it won’t just me forever driving us forwards. Am I asking for too much? How do I say this without being too demanding? Or do I just adjust to where they are? I don’t think it would be a great relationship if that’s where we end up, honestly. Have I said I am tired already?

[dear-diary-dear-world]

what do you do when even existing requires more out of you than you have left to give?

can someone get so tired that they just stop existing?

[dear-diary-dear-world]

It sucks that my instinctive reaction to any perceived neglect is “okay, I don’t need you, fuck you” and dissociating.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

Sometimes I have days where I would like nothing more than to be unconscious. I kinda wanna just,, stop existing for a while, but i can't

[dear-diary-dear-world]

I don’t know anymore if I’m okay or if I’m just completely numb.

[dear-diary-dear-world]

I am emotionally exhausted and kinda lonely and sick of this life. Is hiding under the covers forever an acceptable thing to do yet?

[dear-diary-dear-world]

How do you learn what's appropriate and what's not and what people normally do and should do when you've had no good examples of good relationships in your life?

I realise the answer is probably therapy, but my therapist said I am fine and don't need more sessions so until I find a new one...

I feel bad and rejected but I think I shouldn't because my partner's mood is not because of me. I mean, it bothers me that they just went quiet while we were video calling and I had to start asking what's wrong for them to kinda mention that it's just someone saying something on a forum. But what is the appropriate response here? How reasonable is it that I expect them to announce their change in mood and not just go quiet until I asked what was wrong? Am I being unreasonable for not feeling like staying on that call?

Is there a right or wrong answer here?

I am tired.

[dear-diary-dear-world]