dear--diego

[dear--diego]

02.17.2022

Dear Diego,

I haven’t written here in awhile since I’ve been talking to you more frequently. My world stands still whenever I see the 343 number your calling from pop up - I don’t care what I’m in the middle of doing or where I am, I stop what I’m doing just to hear your voice. I’ve been feeling crappy all week with my nasal congestion and phlegmy coughing so I have been self-isolating and a little bit lonely. All I want to do is cuddle you but I’ll just have to settle for spraying your cologne on my pillow and hugging that instead.

I wanted to buy another notebook and write little quotes and things for you again but words haven’t been coming easily to me as of late. I just miss you so much and it sucks to be apart from you. Some days I am more positive but today I’m feeling particularly sad and telling you that would only hinder the progress that you are making. I hope the status at the center changes so that I’ll still be able to see you on March 5th. 

You angel baby,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.31.2022

Dear Diego,

It’s been a while since I’ve written which means I’ve gotten to speak with you more often than I expected. Even though we only get small blurbs of time, I appreciate every moment that I get to hear your voice.

The days are starting to blur together. I’m scraping by and basically surviving with the help of others. I have a few things in the cupboard... I made my last Chef’s Plate today, but it’s slim. I’ll make it to Friday!

I had to separate the bunnies, they started fighting when I’m at work and I came back home to find them each with a part of their ear missing, fur everywhere. Zero’s hanging out in the bathroom for the time being until I can get another xpen on Friday. Don’t worry, I let him out to run around as long as Atty is in his enclosure, I give them each run around time but you and I both know Zero needs it more. The only reason I put him in the bathroom is because he’s easier to catch.

My throat is pretty bad today so I’ve been drinking a lot of hot tea and neocitran. I can’t afford to get sick now, not when I get to finally see you on Saturday. I’ll sneak off my mask to kiss you, I don’t care!

More than words,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.23.2022

Dear Diego,

It’s been a few days since I’ve written last but I just haven’t had the time to sit and get my thoughts together. I got to speak to you again on Friday and as always, I was so happy to hear your voice. I ordered what I could off Amazon for you, it should arrive there in Renfrew on Wednesday.

Danny and I slept at my mom’s Friday night and it went well. He educated her and Josh about the planets of course, and Josh actually spent time playing with him, giving him piggyback rides and explaining how the play Mario Party. My mom always says she wishes she had more time to spend with Danny so I’m doing my best.

I slept over at Nikki & Gil’s on Saturday and we had a good time. Amy was there too and I spent so much time laughing. We played board games, card games (I learnt Skip-Bo, it’s like Uno but weird?), watched That’s My Jam and UFC. We missed the main fight because the stream messed up but I didn’t really care, I just enjoyed the company.

I’m so glad you’re making friends and progress during your time there. It’ll make it all the more special when I see you again. 

I cleaned the apartment a little today and you would be proud! The bunnies were mad at me for not letting them out of their enclosure for the last few days so there was quite an amount of poops to pick up.

Love you more than life,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.20.2022

Dear Diego,

I’m currently writing this while wearing your shirt because it smells like you. I wonder if you’ve been thinking of me as much as I have been thinking of you. I wake up every day around 5am and I wonder if you’re waking up around the same time too. It’s so strange going to bed and waking up alone, much colder for sure.

Danny is super happy and planet obsessed as always. It amazes me how he can become so fixated on one thing and then learn absolutely everything about it. We have a really intelligent boy between the both of us.

Writing every day makes me feel closer to you even though I don’t know when you’re going to be able to read it. I could drone on and on about how I’m killing it at work - thank you for your prayers, baby; or how I feel more supported that I have in a long time. I actually feel appreciated by those around me and it’s not something that I’m entirely used to.

On an unrelated note, Zero has started humping Atticus now. I don’t know when this started but I’ve been breaking them up lately. I guess this is what happens when animals hit puberty.

Loving you always,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.19.2022

Dear Diego,

Being able to talk to you yesterday made me feel like I was floating all day. Our 13 minute conversation made me feel like I could take on anything. I had such a productive day at work and feel proud of myself. I know you’d be proud of me too.

I hope Danny was super excited to hear from you! It was his first day back to in person school since before the Christmas break so he was so excited to be back and take the bus again.

I cooked again for myself today and actually enjoyed what I made. This time I made a pork meatloaf and garlic spiced potatoes. It’s kind of sad making a meal for 2 people and eating alone but at least I will have leftovers!

What I need to work on is cleaning up a little more around here. I’m not up to your standards but I promise I will get there.

Maybe I’ll make it after all,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.18.2022

Dear Diego,

Today was the day I finally got to hear your voice! You sound like you’re thriving and happy and I’m so proud of you. It made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear you, you cannot even imagine. I literally teared up the moment I heard your voicemail saying “Jen, it’s me! Pick up the phone!”. I called my self a dummy for that one, missing your call because I was in the bathroom. My heart stopped, thinking you weren’t going to be able to call me back but I’m so glad you did. You make everything better babe I can’t wait to hold you again.

Forever,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

Dear Diego,

Sorry I missed writing yesterday, I slept over and your parents last night with Danny and he kept me up all night asking for “one more story” and touching my face continuously. He asked me a few times when “the doctor” was going to let us talk to you. He told me to come sleepover there more often so I won’t be lonely.

He’s right, sometimes I feel so lonely my bones ache, but I honestly don’t mind the alone time either. There’s something oddly peaceful about only thinking about yourself - I hope you are achieving this peace right now too.

Anyway, today was a snow day because of all the snow we got! Danny enjoyed it immensely, as you can imagine. He was disappointed when it was time to come inside but he was covered in so much snow! Thank God for snow pants - your mom leant me a pair of hers, we were able to stay completely dry once taking all the outwear off.

I wonder how much you got up there in the woods, way more than the 30cm we got! Still, the roads were terrible but I managed to get home around 3:30 to check on the bunnies.

Tomorrow will mark two weeks without hearing your voice and I miss you so fucking much. Danny’s really hoping you can talk to him on his birthday but I’m hoping I get to talk to you much sooner.

Love you always,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.15.2022

Dear Diego,

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately and I’m wondering if you are too. I know you’re not here but it feels like my body is trying to sense your presence around me all the time.

It’s almost comical how I seem so composed and well together to the public but really I’m dying inside, missing you every second. I truly can’t wait until I get to hear your voice again. I want to hold you so badly my stomach aches. Yesterday Danny wanted to send you the pictures he made so I had to pretend. I wish I was able to send you messages. I wonder when you’ll actually get to read these letters.

I find it comical how people think I’m holding myself so well together. I’m afraid the thread is going to snap and I will crumble into a million pieces. But I’m doing my very best, baby.

Miss you more than the stars in the sky,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.14.2022

All our son wants to do is draw the solar system. He’s got the names of the dwarf planets down pat, he’s teaching me things!

He’s moved his train track pieces from the toy box and is starting to assemble them in his “building site”. The way he says things can be so intelligent sometimes!

[dear--diego]

I felt appreciated today and it was almost as good as one of your hugs. You know Candace is going to start paying me for how much time I spend answering people’s questions and “working” (advising) from home. I can almost feel you kissing me on the forehead and telling me you’re proud of me. Almost.

[dear--diego]

01.13.2022

Happy anniversary, my angel baby. 7 years of love and I can’t even call you to say hello. I sprayed a little bit of your Cool Water cologne on so I can smell you. I didn’t think it was possible to grieve so much for a person that’s still alive.

[dear--diego]

01.12.2022

Milagro made me a breakfast sandwich this morning. It’s like she could feel that I needed it... It’s nice that I have people who want to take care of me. I hope that you are doing well there.

Today was the first time I had to cook dinner for myself. Luckily I forgot to cancel this week’s Chefs Plate order so I have things to make! I didn’t pick the meals but the options they gave me wasn’t too bad. I made this one because it’s a one pan only Greek chicken. I’m very fortunate that I’ve been fed this entire time. It’s like everyone knows how lost I am without you.

Love you more than words can say,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.11.2022

Dear Diego,

It’s officially been only a week since I saw you last but it feels like an eternity. I stayed until 7pm today because I wanted to prolong coming home and giving into my sadness. I’m very high - I’m sorry all the weed you pre-ground is almost gone.

Here’s a bunny update:

Yours continues to be an asshole (but adorable) and I haven’t seen any sign of Atty’s balls. I’m wondering if he was younger than I thought when we got him.

Anyway our son is still a brat but also very sweet at the same time. He said he hopes your brain gets better.

I pray every day that you’re okay.

Only 51 more weeks to go without you!

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.10.2022

Dear Diego,

I lead a meeting with corporate today because Candace wasn’t in the building and I felt pretty confident about it. I’d like to think you would have been proud of me.

Since I’m trying not to watch any of our shows I’ve started binging a show called Mom which is about a mother-daughter duo who are attempting to stay sober. It’s by the same guy who created Big Bang Theory and Anna Faris is starring, so it’s got some humour to it while still touching on things.

I talk out loud to you all the time. I know you can’t hear me and I probably sound like a crazy person to our neighbours in the other apartments but I really don’t care. Putting it out into the universe that I’m thinking about you and that I miss you is helping me. Do I still cry every single day? Of course. But I still work, spend time with our family and the bunnies, and make time for myself.

The other day I swear Leo was looking at me with sadness, wondering why you weren’t there with me. Your presence means so much more than you realize, baby.

I love you so much,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

01.09.2022

Dear Diego,

Felt a lot of love today. Woke up at Nikki & Gil’s and they took me grocery shopping then we picked Danny up... Danny and I spent the majority of the day at my mom’s house, watching the Toy Story movies and making homemade pizzas with her and Eric. Eric actually makes a pretty tasty dough, you would have liked it. Danny came to the apartment afterward, played with the bunnies and I used the Paint app to help Danny colour in pictures of planets. He was very adamant that I search desperately for dwarf planets such as Eris? I didn’t even know that existed!

Anyway he left and I’ve been here alone for a bit. I cleaned up after the bunnies - your asshole rabbit keeps going under the black couch and I can’t see what he’s doing. I’ve started kit of stomping and making a noise every time he tries now and it seems to prevent him from going under, so I think I’m not too bad at this training stuff?

I miss you so much. Time feels so irrelevant to me now because it feels like it’s going by so slowly. I want it to go by fast so I can hear your voice, see you, hug you, kiss you. But I know you want me to focus, pay attention to each moment and not take this time of self reflection for granted. I’m doing my best for you, baby. I want to be better when you come back, too. 

I love you more than words can say, 

Jeannette 

[dear--diego]

01.08.2022

Dear Diego,

I’m sleeping over at Nikki’s today - it was a good distraction from missing you. Your asshole rabbit wouldn’t stop going under the couch before I left so it took a bit to get him into the enclosure. Atticus of course was just chilling there.

Jaime turned out to be a serial killer in that season of American Horror Story that I watched so there you go! Wish I could say I didn’t see that coming but I did.

I’ve been waking up a lot suddenly at 4am lately. I selfishly like to think it’s because you’re missing me. It has yet to be a full week without you but it feels like it’s been months.

I’m at the point where I need to sleep so this letter doesn’t make much sense today. Just know I love and miss you every moment of every day.

Yours para siempre,

Jeannette

[dear--diego]

He made the planets out of play dough!