dealingwithmentalillness

[dealingwithmentalillness]

i guess i’ll keep going though

but like why is it so hard?

[dealingwithmentalillness]

FUck I dont wanna live right now

[dealingwithmentalillness]

This blog turned 5, neat. Also if you’re a suicidal person who also procrastinated on stuff, dying is another procrastination that you never need to act on I guess.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Stabbing people with words is... actually quite enjoyable??? Like, it’s illegal to use a knife but nobody said you couldn’t insult that bitch who looked at you funny last week.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Back to the scheduled programming: (TW Suicide/Gore Mention cuz if I don’t care about myself I at least care about you)

No vraylar for over a month whhheeeee! I’ve also been taking 3 10 mg capsules to compensate for my usual 20 and 10 mg of Fluoxetine... haha. God who do I have to stab around here to get some goddamn psychiatrists to prescribe me the proper dosage??? Like??? Ugh. Whatever. Maybe my liver will fail soon anyway and I won’t have to worry about shit anymore. Maybe the large mole on my leg is actually cancerous. God fuck at least I won’t have to deal with my shitty family and lack of friends who don’t give a fuck about me anyway. Maybe if I eat enough junk food and sweets I’ll get diabetes and die from not treating it. I have a genetic predisposition for it I think, too. One thing I know for sure though? I don’t wanna live in a mental institution or jail. I think I’d rather die than be unhireable. Fuck capitalism. I’m sick of this dystopic shithole world. I have no one to talk to, already fucked up any progress with my therapist, and just want to have my way or raze everything to the ground. And if I could just- absolutely maim the shit out of somebody who has done harm in this world- like, carve out their flesh with my own nails and force the blood down their throat, then finally roughly sever their head with a rusty machete, that’d be real great. But don’t you worry- I’m not leaving yet, in fact I enjoy suffering so much that I have decided to suffer even more. Because that’s all that life is. It never gets better if you ask me. Maybe I’m just special and hate everyone. I’ve always been a hateful person. I am not a naturally likable person either. It took years of practice to give off the false pretense that I’m even remotely nice. I’m just fated to be lonely for as long as I live, however long that may be. People fucking suck. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who harbors any sense of hope for humanity. 

[dealingwithmentalillness]

I’ll be in the cold hard ground before I acknowledge that Nazis have human rights.

Just sayin’

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Haha...unless?

Fuck. Stomach hurt want to die. Also headache ish. Haha but like what if I didn’t have responsibilities and didn’t have to be anymore.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Heh wow. I was not ok and am still not ok.

Log 3

When will my online orders arrive? What if I stole this blog name from somebody who needs it more?

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Fuck. Stomach hurt want to die. Also headache ish. Haha but like what if I didn’t have responsibilities and didn’t have to be anymore.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

I think it’s deeply, deeply sad when I watch a video on YouTube and a woman says, “I’m having a no makeup day/it’s important to have no makeup days/I didn’t feel like doing anything today…. So I just put concealer under my eyes and on my zits and evened my complexion and did my brows and a little bit of mascara”.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Wait

I was taking lamictal at some point? The hell? Of course that didn’t work..???

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Kinda...

Annoyed that I didn’t get a job because I was upfront about my mental illness. Do I have to lie now in order to make money? Fuck that shit to hell.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Feeling ok

I haven’t done much, does anyone care though? I feel kind of alone....

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Today was all right. Emotionally drained and slightly anxious but I don’t see things that aren’t there. Or feel as though I’m being watched anymore. Was that even real?

[dealingwithmentalillness]

Long time no post!

Feeling a lot better, not dead yet. Don’t feel particularly alive either. Just now remembering the pain. I guess I needed to burn bridges to build new ones? Quit my job, going to make things. Here’s hoping my brain doesn’t flop on me. Did I really feel that bad, or was I faking it? I know that’s not likely, but I can’t imagine, can’t truly remember feeling so sick. It’ll be back of course. It’s never gone. Just a matter of when.

[dealingwithmentalillness]

I’m so Tired

I just give up. I’ve lost friends, my roommates hate me, at least they might as well. They talk about me behind my back, still within earshot. I mean, maybe they don’t maybe they don’t hate me but I’ll tell myself that anyway. Whatever. I’m being ignored. I’m not okay. I don’t want to die, right? Of course not. God I feel sick. Physically ill. Is it the Lamictal? Why am I so angry? I’ve tried finding friends and I got distracted... why didn’t it last? I’m so sick of medication after medication and they make it worse, I had akasthisia after taking one of them. I’m physically exhausted and can’t go more than one day without 12 hours of sleep. Is it my emotions? You’d think calling your psychiatrist ten times would solve the problem- if they’d actually answer. I’m dealing with it but I want to not have this problem anymore. I want to be likable dammit. I feel like eating lead. Fuck this. Maybe I’ll come back as a squirrel. I care more about other people, and maybe the reason I’m not gone yet is because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. Of course I’m not okay. It’s hard to see that beyond the self-righteousness, but it’s there. I’m so angry. I’m so angry. I’m so angry. I shuffle between two hells; I hate myself and I hate other people. I need help. Why am I not getting help? I need to call my therapist. Set up an appointment. I’ll do that after writing out my feelings, I just need to talk. I’ve tried getting my favorite food, dancing it out. It hasn’t been a cure-all. It’s not permanent. I’m so tired, so tired, so tired! Can’t even go one day without sleeping twelve hours. Is that normal? Why would that be normal? I’m so emotionally sick and fatigued that I can’t even get done what I need to get done. I don’t want to, I don’t care. 

[dealingwithmentalillness]

My roommate wrote on her cookie dough, so wrote a response.