dead-goat-head - Tumblr blog

[dead-goat-head]

Is it that hard for him to answer me. It takes less then a fucking minutes, and yet he ignores me for two days straight. He is not injured or something, I asked his friend and he told me my bf showed up at work, so there's no fucking reason for him to not answer my calls or messages.

I'm so angry

[dead-goat-head]

"yOu cAnT wIsH dEaTh On sOmeOnE jUsT bEcAuSE yOu dOnT LiKe tHeM"

Wrong. In fact I can

[dead-goat-head]

Alright I am actually thinking about finding a therapist. But idk. To pay for it I need to explain my mother why I need it, and tell her about the diagnosis. But I don't want to! Why is it so hard to just trust me that I need it?

I know she doesn't know shit about c-ptsd and that I'd need to educate her on it, but I'm exhausted. And also I need to tell my partner who knows even less about such things. Agggghhhhhhh.

But maybe if I tell her she'll stop bringing my triggers into conversations randomly. That pisses me off.

I fucking hate to ask for money but I can't hold a job while I'm in college...

[dead-goat-head]

I CANT focus on this book on c-ptsd. When I try to think about my trauma or ptsd itself my brain just shuts down. I fucking can't.

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On the bright side, he told me that my passion for guro and snuff etc is not passing the line of being a disorder or something. "Since it is not hurting you and you don't want to do it in real life it is just an unusual tendency." And having a low empathy too. Not that it really bothered me, but it do bother people around me quite often

Aha. Shit. I got the diagnosis and turned out it is c-ptsd. The psychiatrist recommended me a book on it since I refused to take antidepressants and I don't want to go to therapy. I'm gonna give it a try but honestly it already annoys me a bit

[dead-goat-head]

Aha. Shit. I got the diagnosis and turned out it is c-ptsd. The psychiatrist recommended me a book on it since I refused to take antidepressants and I don't want to go to therapy. I'm gonna give it a try but honestly it already annoys me a bit

[dead-goat-head]

Compulsively drawing corpses instead of going to sleep

[dead-goat-head]

The Anti-Social Personality Disorder Checklist

This is a checklist to help one understand Anti-Social Personality Disorder. One may use it to self-diagnose or as a worksheet to present to a doctor or therapist  or other medical professional and better communicate symptoms they are experiencing. All information is taken from the DSM-5.

Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I maintain my self-esteem (and often define myself) from personal gain, power, or pleasure.

My goals are often self-oriented, and I have difficulty considering how the consequences affect others.

I have difficulty understanding or relating to the ideas, feelings, or behaviors of others. (low empathy)

I have difficulty maintaining close relationships unless I am in a dominant position.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events. 

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check SIX or more of the following:

I often try to make myself more influential over people and situations. I like to be in control.

I am often unable to understand how my actions or words can harm others.

I find I can be a dishonest person, either in how I present myself to others, or I’ll twist the truth of stories I tell.

I experience persistent or frequent feelings of anger or irritability. 

I often find myself in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities without regard for the consequences.

I am impulsive and often act on things without thinking or planning.

I often fail to take care of responsibilities and keep promises.

__ / 7

Section IV Must check THREE or more of the following:

I fail to conform to social norms and rarely do what is expected of me.

I compulsively lie when it benefits me.

I find it difficult to make plans for the future.

I have difficulty maintaining feelings of anger or irritability. 

I am rarely concerned for my own safety or well-being.

I am often unable to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.

I don’t often feel regret, and I am often unable to feel remorse when I have wronged someone.

__ / 7

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adolescence, and some traits have been persistent since childhood.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

My symptoms are persistent and not triggering by a symptom from another mental disorder.

At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in ASPD patients. I have consulted with ASPD patients for this information.

If you did NOT meet the minimum but relate to many of the symptoms listed, check out conduct disorders. If you feel you related to some of the symptoms, but feel many of your symptoms weren’t listed, try anxiety disorders, neurodevelopmental disorders, and depressive disorders. If you cleared Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum, look into other personality disorders.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors associated (not required for diagnosis):

I often don’t feel anxious, even in situations where I should feel anxious.

Some of my behaviors are a means of self-preservation.

I have gotten in trouble with the law on a few occasions. 

I have difficulty reading social cues.

I find I am often unable to finish tasks.

I often view people in the style of an hierarchy. 

I believe everyone is only really out for themselves.

I am incredibly opinionated.

I experience dysphoria, in which I feel my body is not my own.

I often feel very tense and restless.

I am unable to tolerate boredom.

I am very often depressed.

I define myself by my accomplishments and gains.

I have considered or attempted suicide.

I find I rarely get stressed out, even in incredibly stressful situations.

__ / 15

[dead-goat-head]

I found another psychiatrist. Seems to be a really good one, but we'll see. I just want to know wtf is wrong with me

I have to text him tomorrow to set an appointment and it's getting on my nerves already because talking to people is taking too much energy. And I started smoking again, I feel pain somewhere in my ribs