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Dec 21, 2019 3:51 AM

What an ironic time and date to be awake right now...writing on tumblr...right now...

I only realized it when I was typing out the time and date, but this would mark 7 years...I think? Like, wow. But that’s not why I’m here.

I’ve returned after a year, with significant progress...

-$5k in the pocket

-2 strong PCs built: one for travel, the other for home/streaming

-Mental health has been at an all time high. I haven’t felt a lot of hiccups in the last 6 months, but I think that’s because I’ve been working so hard at a “small” achievable goal which had relevance to me

-My shoulder. I was discharged about 2 weeks ago from my physical rehab, and I’m finally in a state where I can hit again. I still have to maintain my rehab exercises, but for the most part, I’m in the clear to hit again. Not as much as to where I’d want to just yet, but I can definitely hit again. I will be doing rehab 3x/day along with practices

I came back to tumblr to check on my past, because the person whom I hated, despised, detested so much, is the same person writing this post, right now. I have finally, truly learned to embrace my past and flaws; gifts and curses. I have finally learned to look at myself, without animosity, and to accept the parts of me which I found so “unlikable” before. I’ve never felt this confident before, but it doesn’t feel like anything special. It just feels like the load I’m carrying on my back is lighter, even though it’s the same burden as before, if not additionally stacked. 

The future me (the me now) who was trying so hard to awaken my true potential finally did it, and it only took a year.

Looking back, it’s so interesting how things turned out. Before, I felt like the path I was on was so unclear, but that’s because I was only looking towards the destination, and never around it. I was so tunneled towards the destination that I never bothered to look at my surroundings. There was so much beauty that I have missed, but it’s better late than never.

Hello, my name is Michael, and I’m glad to be here, with an open mind, open eyes, and open heart.

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9 year old me: mom you’re beautiful!

My Mom: no, I’m ugly. The ugliest. I’m a horrible pig of a person

Other people: (to me) you look just like your mom

Me: so I’m ugly

Now:

My 9 year old: mom you’re beautiful

Me: thank you! I don’t always see it very well in myself though because my brain lies to me a lot and tells me I’m ugly even though I’m not. But I can’t be ugly because we look a lot alike and you’re beautiful. My brain is just a bully 

My kid: that’s right! We’re BOTH beautiful!

​Me:​ yes we are!​​​

_____

And that my friends is called thinking about how your self depricating words can hurt other people around you. I can’t see that I’m beautiful most of the time but I can acknowledge that the issue is my ability to see myself in a positive way. 

But calling myself ugly just hurts the people who love me. It could even convince my kid that they are also ugly and further the cycle 

And sometimes it’s really hard just by saying “I’m being mean to myself because my brain lies a lot matters

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OMG MY HEART THAT SMILE

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You have to remember...

There’s only one thing in this world that you truly love with all your heart.

That doesn’t mean you don’t love anything else, but that means you are not capable of loving anything more than this specific thing. 

You love your family, you love your friends, you love to party, you love music, you love to travel, you love humanity, but the one thing that’s most important to you Mike...what is that for you?

What is the one thing you said yourself that you would sell your soul to the devil for?

What is the one thing in this world which gives you happiness that nothing else could even fathom to amount to?

What is the one thing in this world which allows you to breathe, and allows you to be what you felt like you were destined to be?

There is one thing...there has always been that one thing...you have to remember, because nothing else matters except that. Nothing.

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the kirby music makes this video 100x more entertaining than it’s originally meant to be

Met another Snake in Quickplay

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“Passenger” by Woshibai

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I’m finally going to start doing things differently.

I’m going to keep experimenting with myself.

But this time, more safely.

A lot more safely.

I’m going to start doing things for me now. All my life I’ve lived for someone else’s benefit. All my life I’ve always loved others more than I’ve loved myself, and that’s wrong. I’m going to stop doing that. I won’t keep going through these episodes of self-harm simply by giving my heart away...I won’t do it, not again. That doesn’t mean to say that I won’t ever love ever again, because that’s not what I intend either. Just...hopefully when someone comes along in my life, by then I’ll be in a much better spot. I’ll be more mature, more confident, more accomplished, and more ‘me’. In theory...this is the rational vision of my that I hope to achieve, sooner than later.

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Words: From me to myself

Hey...are you there...?

Are you listening...?

Can you hear me...?

You’re lost again aren’t you...?

“Michael...you’re such a sad person. To think that you are even me is unfathomable. You are constantly running away from reality, from fear, from life, but more importantly, from yourself. You seek refugee in helping others and deterring from yourself because quite frankly, you don’t even want to deal with yourself right now. On the outside, it looks like you’re doing good deeds, but that doesn’t make you a good person. That makes you a coward, and the Michael I know isn’t that much of a wimp. Just how long are you going to keep faking this...? You can’t keep this up, and I’m not saying that because I don’t believe in you, but because you’ll end up losing your mind. You have always told yourself that you live your life full of integrity, which you do, but why is it that you have never been honest to yourself? Have you lost or forgotten your purpose? Have you forgotten who you are? Have you forgotten why you worked this hard? Have you forgotten your conquest? Along the way of your journey, have you gone astray yet again? You’re human after all...it’s okay...that being said, not even God can save you. Because right now, you can’t even save yourself. Stop looking at others. Stop averting your gaze. Stop running away and accept your consequences as a man. Stop hiding behind others, because the only thing you’re doing is wearing them thin. You cannot keep avoiding me, but more importantly, you shouldn’t. It’s going to be another long and painful journey, much worse than it has ever been before, but that’s life, and that’s who I am. Do not fear me, for I only want the best for you.”

--a version of me whom I strive to soon become

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game: has any kind of elemental based fighting system

me: apply pokemon logic

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One of the most important scenes in anime history

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i’m losing my fucking mind (x)

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2:11 AM

No matter how dark and glum the sky is,

the moon will always do its best.

Not to surpass the sun,

but as a reminder that

despite how much brighter the sun may shine,

it will never have a chance to illuminate the night sky.

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im mad these are all bangers