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ddazaii · 7 years ago

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I’m Sorry to say I’m Sorry

A sigh

The pen was finally put down.

Ebony eyes drawled at the letters streaming across the monitor.

Codes flitted past; being recognized but not registered.

Scrapes of paper littered the otherwise immaculate table. Indecipherable cursive mixed with flow charts danced across the pages.

A hand reached to shut off the monitor for the night. Eyes slowly closed as you leaned your head back, finally given a moment to rest. The day’s work swarmed across the darkness but slowly as you let your body relax, so did the visions. Melting away to pure darkness. Solitude. A moment of quiet for your eyes.

You would have stayed that way had it not been for the soft vibration of your phone. The simple device that you barely used. Missed calls, messages, and updates. It drove them wild with worry but you would always tell them, “if I wanted to talk to someone, I’d rather it be in person.”

Breathing out deeply as a hand went up to caress your hair, you glanced at the phone. A number you recognized and a time. You smiled as you thought, “Well, it is Friday….”

…

As you walked out in the crisp evening street you begin to watch those around you. Who are they? What are their stories? When you passed the mannequins in the store you wondered why lifeless forms must be used to sell products to the living. As you passed the trees that had been touched with autumn’s kiss you thought of the botany classes you enjoyed. Of all the books you read and owned on nature. Why the leaf falls. Why it shows the colour it does. Why death is an essential part of life. So many questions. So many wonders. It was interesting how the world was one giant puzzle. One that humans seemed desperate to crack no matter what the cost was or how heavy it was.

“Now’s not the time to dwell on the past ___. What’s done is done. You can’t go back. Sure this is not how you imagined life but it’s still better then where others are no? There is always someone out there who’s going through a worse situation thinking that they’re better off than others.”

It was funny though, the many ways in which humans pushed themselves.

As you entered further and further into the city, your thoughts slowly started to dissipate and as you approached the door to Lupin, your mind was empty for once.

…

You should have known something was wrong the moment you opened the door, for instead of being greeted with warmth, the air that greeted you was hot and uncomfortable. Instead of feeling the subtle welcome of the bar you felt stuffy. Pulling your mouth into a thin line you approached them. The bar was surprisingly busy but they still managed to grab their usual spots and drinks. Oda, of course, had saved a spot next to him with his coat. You couldn’t help but give a small smile at the gesture.

“____!” came the familiar sound, “You came!”

“Of course Dazai. You invited me”

“Hello, ___.”

“Hello Ango. How’s your work coming along?” you asked as you lifted Oda’s coat and sat in its spot. Oda reached for his coat but you pushed him back placing his coat on your lap instead. Your discomfort had grown and you needed some comfort. Something to hold onto.

“It’s fine.”, was all he said before glancing back at his drink.

You glanced at Oda. Ango being quiet was one thing, but Oda not greeting you, not even giving a nod, was another. The man was transfixed with his drink but spending enough time in his company allowed you to see the unease glimmering in the reflection of his eyes but before you could ask Dazai’s voice filtered in.

“___ my love. How I’ve missed your voice, your presence. The day is meaningless without a glimpse of my goddess!”

His eyes shown as he rattled on and on. Speaking of the numerous ways you outshine the others. However, hidden in his voice and body was the relief he felt at seeing you. You were here. Alive.

You never fully understood your relation with Dazai. At times you acted as two chums who had not a care in the world. At times you were distant and aloof with one another. When asked, he responded by saying, “akin to Oda yet entirely different simultaneously.” Neither one of you understood it. Yet in the darkness of the mafia, in the shadows that follow you throughout the day only to come out at night to play, solace and companionship was found in one another. It seemed as if you grasped frantically to each other yet looked the other way.

Truth to be told, you enjoyed his antics. Most scoffed, ignored him, or watched in utter confusion at the renowned demon prodigy acting it out. It was in his antics where you felt the ropes that held you back slacken and you could laugh and enjoy living in the moment for once without your mind intercepting. It must be what he felt in your aloof like persona as he clung tightly atop your frame whilst you both muttered about philosophical nonsense in your sacred moments of privacy.

When he realized you weren’t listening to his proclamations of love he jumped off his stool and attacked you with tight hug.

“___!”he wailed, “Have you forgotten about me!?!?!”

Letting out a small laugh you placed one hand on his head as you said, “Now how can I do that? You never give the opportunity to forget.”

He gasped, “Oh my love how you hurt me with your teasing. Must I always be in constant competition with your books?”

“hmmmm. It’s tough to say Prince Charming.”

Taking it as a challenge his eyes glinted with determination as he busied himself with pressing closer and burying his face within your neck. Yet as comforting as it was, he could tell that you saw right through him again. He would have to tell you. As if to confirm his thoughts, Oda piped in softly, “I think it’s best if you told her, Dazai.”

Giving a loud superficial sigh, he released his embrace and walked back to his stool. When he sat down he had regained his solemn look.

You both had hushed pasts. Hushed secrets. Hushed upbringings. Before meeting, neither one of you give it much pondering. But with frequent sleepovers, a word used loosely, comes invasive questions and the mind starts to reflect. You had told him parts of your past just as he did with his. “This relationship will be one on equal grounds”, you said but he knew you were holding something back. Oda advised patience but Dazai is not known for his patience and with some fiddling with the mouse and a few phone calls, the truth came out in snippets that his mind quickly pieced together in an attempt to map you.

“___. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Now two pairs of eyes were on you. One blue. One russet. And it hit you. They couldn’t have. Of course they could, it’s Dazai we’re talking about. Shit. Shit. Shit. Why? Ok, remain calm ___. I’m sure there is a logical reas_ WHY WOULD HE…HOW COULD…WHY!?!!?

As you dealt with your swirling emotions you glanced at Oda’s drink. Slowly, you brought yourself back to the bar.

“So you both know.”

“I’m sorry ___”, Oda started but you interrupted, “It’s fine Oda.”

Still looking at the drink you asked, “Why didn’t you wait Dazai?”

No response.

No. There was no need. You both knew the answer to that. The world was filled with many puzzles and one man had been trained to solve any puzzle he came across.

“…..At any cost…”, you quietly said.

“Oda. Do me a favour and give me a 10 second head start.”, you said as you slid off the chair, handing him his coat.

Without glancing to see if he responded, you left the bar and briskly walked, increasing your speed until the wind begin to sting your eyes.

….

More codes. More charts. More scribbles.

An endless repeat over and over again until your mind could do nothing else. When your soul tired, the mind went on robotic mode. Pumping out progress at an absorbent rate.

You had told Mori from the beginning that you preferred to be independent but that was not to the man’s liking. Slowly he meld you into the mafia and by then, you seemed to have lost all conviction to stand your ground.

But working as a top hacker for the Port Mafia came at a price. Sure, you were able to keep your distance physically and your high position was the only way you were able to meet the men who were to become your friends but Mori knew of your talent. He also knew how your ability made you incredibly versatile and thus, you were kept close.

When you left the bar, you initially had no idea where to go. You had to think fast otherwise you knew Dazai would catch up and you didn’t want to see him right now. Your phone buzzed and for once in your life you thanked Mori for sending you work to do. Picking up your pace you headed for your treasured monitor.

Done.

You stretched your arms upwards as you cracked your knuckles while simultaneously sinking into your chair. Posture be damned

You were put here to work were the words that flitted across your mind. A past mentor. A past tormentor. You often mixed the two when you thought of your mentor. Well regardless of whether this was the right stance to take it had helped you slog through the hours of processing you had to do to get into the security system of the group Mori has his eyes on. No doubt after breaking in he would send you in to eliminate the family. Still you were shocked at how long it took you. Three days had passed. A fact you only knew due to your insistence for a daily hot shower but you hadn’t had time for anything else, anyone else.

Giving a quick glance to your phone you weren’t shocked to see the number of tests or missed calls. He knew where you lived but he knew better then to come up. Most likely he came to the bar that was directly below your small apartment. Guilt gnawed at you. Sure you were upset with his actions but no one deserves 72 hours of silent treatment. Hell that wasn’t even your plan. You just needed to think things through.

Giving him a time and location you headed for another shower.

…

You casually strolled as you looked around at the nature that surrounded you. It was amazing how alike nature and humans were. Maybe that’s why we regard nature with peace and happiness yet simultaneously fear and are in awe of it. Approaching the decided spot you immediately caught sight of him. He was sitting on one of the cement steps watching the flow of the river. A sudden urge of mischief tremored through you. Stepping quietly you managed to approach the bandaged man without his notice but before you could pounce he sharply turned his head to the side before shuddering your name out in a whisper.

“Damn it! I was hoping to scare you!”, you shout.

A grim smile spreads across his face. Unsure. Watchful.

Noticing this you sigh before tucking your hands in between your legs and squatting.

“So.”

“Why did you not reply to my calls or texts!”, he blurts out.

You head snaps to him. Anguish cover every inch of his face. He composed mask cracking under the given conditions. In that moment it takes all your willpower to forget and forgive.

“Mori.”

Silence.

Another sigh.

“Dazai. No, I’m done with formalities. Osamu. I knew who you were before we decided to get together. I knew everything you do is methodical. Everything you do is in essence, calculated recklessness. It’s just the way you are. The way you were raised. Our lives and the way we live it is greatly influenced by those that mentor us. Just as you had Mori, I too had someone or rather multiple someone. And I was raised in a way to never show weakness. To never open up. I ended up having an indestructible wall on the outside while I was dying on the inside. And when things didn’t go to plan, I ended up tossed aside to take care of myself. And I did. Not the way I expected but somehow I managed to do it. But I had no friends nor family. And then you came and well, you know the rest.”

You sat down next to him in hopes that he might respond in some way. He did by wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you between his legs. Placing his head on your shoulder he waited for you to continue.

Relaxing into his hold you continued, “I’m not quite sure how to feel about your little adventure. I’m known for being a cold ice queen in the mafia what with my lack of expressions. It’s just a nickname but I guess it’s true because I don’t seem to react to anything. I don’t always know how to react. It’s like going through life knowing that you’re an empty pallet. Others are filled with colours yet mine remains empty and so Osamu I’m split. On the one hand I’m relieved you finally know because it saves me the trouble or reliving it but on the other…I guess….I guess…hmmm…not…really sure where I stand with you…I guess.”

Your voice died out. The courage you had was gone and the beginnings of embarrassment gave way at the warble of your throat and corners of your eyes. There you said it. Now the ball was in his court.

For a long time he said nothing. Just following your gaze at the river quietly flowing by. Tranquility was in the air. Nature’s ultimate gift to life. It seemed as if the air, tree, leaves, river, dirt, and all other matter of Earth absorbed the shock of your outburst. You hadn’t yelled out your emotions but with the intense quietness surrounding you, you might as well had and the last bit of frustration came rolling down your cheek.

A hand came up; thumb brushing away the tear as if he had orchestrated this symphony and had drawn it to a close with this one movement. The hand fell away, resting on its owner’s leg open and inviting.

“I’m sorry ___.”

A smile slipped onto your face as you clasped his hand with yours. It seemed so small and weak within your hand but slowly warmed up within yours.

You met his face only to find his eyes reflecting yours. Shared smiles and a deep understanding of what the other was thinking. Voices reached the ears of one another proclaiming exactly what the other wanted to hear.

“I’m hungry!”

#GOOD WRITING #AMAZING WRITING #RB

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