dawnlune

[dawnlune]

... So this person I was trying to know randomly started calling me during work and I was like .. 😳 why is yiu calling ? And oh no I’m busy rn😏.

I did not call back. I just don’t think we should talk rn. I will say something like I need time to still think about this it hasn’t been a day since I listened to what they had to say in person and now at my other job I’m being called during work hours .. I wouldn’t have a problem if we were more serious in a relationship like I can say we can talk later when I’m more available to listen to you without distractions rn I’m working and I have to do my job. Am I getting better at this or what? 😅😂… to be clear this still something I need to think of.. I have to be honest about something that might hurt their feelings like me still moving on about some emotions for someone I met a few years ago… I’m not fully over these feelings I feel this fear and want to push away what it felt like like it was the second person I ever felt an interest in dating.. but I won’t say all that I just will say I’m moving past something that I prefer not talking about rn to anyone. Like it woukd he cool fo connect emotionally to someone new but idk ? Can it be that energetically we are a bit differnt? Like they are a cancer sun leo moon libra rising ,leo Venus? Cancer mars 😂.. yes this person cries often , yes this person can be a little hard to console like sometimes you can’t ask if they okay without hearing “why are you asking if you made me feel too much see this is why I’m so mad at you cus you don’t ever care you don’t know how much you hurt me and it’s your fault I’m crying rn?” im aware of my doings but having to often be afriad of doing something wrong and getting yelled at randomly for wanting to be more slow can be difficult. I don’t like rushing into things at all call me prude , weird , choosy , I think I’m better or something. No i simply don’t want troubles or compromises I can’t handle or plan out or messing up my life for decisions I took over my feelings . Like this person gets mad about almost everything even when i communicate with honesty and openness.. Im often compared to exs . Like I get it you dated a lot you got like 5 exes or what not. But am I the right person for you? Like I need a slower approach to things please like don’t get upset about things that need time for to work out. I’m not mad or criticizing it’s just a little hard and then when I tried to ask what I did the person usually turns their back and says “figure it out or god are yiu blind likw show more you love me not just act all babyish its the only thing i need from you i need you to do more” like do I need to focus on you like I don’t have a life 😅😭? Like i have work, i have projects , i have a life and sometimes i need space not cus i dont care but sometimes we need to be interdependent like you need to have you time not at all bad.. These were somethings that were happening before i decided we cant date but what caused me to completly go was The person caused a big issue one i did not respond to but

I did leave and said nothing. I tried fixing it but aftee i fixed it the person ran and told everyone we were a real deal and we were dating . I was like are you serious 🤔 then they told people im the best partner ever and i don’t even have exs which was super cool.. than the idea of leaving together and traveling together god i was compromised without me even knowing and it made me completely leave the connection.

The person is a good person okay kind , open , sorta understanding not really it’s hard to be serious with someone always being very opened to experiences that your not even trying to be there with because you wanna see them as a relationship not disrespectfully like I got a photo at work a few weeks ago that I didn’t even ask for like are you serious 😟 people around me what are they going to assume with photos like that like bruh im sorry i cant ever fix it . And worse part is when i give up and just go and stop trying to fix the litrle arguments it goes like “Your the worse ! See you probably have someone else be straight up with me like ill call up ex rn and wanna bet i wont give them me and maybe you can learn whwn you watch me on top of them“ or “fine I’m sorry you big baby , you inexperienced rabbit I know what you feel and you should at least just shut me up with all that stored up energy.” Yep vulgar terms these things were said so often and and i be like god make it stop 😟 or ima shut down and block their # ... This stressed me out like i wont put up with this NO MORE. GETTING AN APOLOGY was nice and unexpected . The person seemed more calm and regretful and yup they cried and I felt bad I gave them a side hug a friend hug but I said I needed time

I’m not wrong I don’t think we’re good for one another. I want to see us work together maybe we can build something solid and nice but idk I mean why am I always compared to exs and will it stop like that makes me walk away cus like cool I’m probably gonna be lied and I should just stop trying and I feel so weird about this like ugh im uncomfortable I wanna put distance imagine being tied down to someone who likes to lie to you and tries to provoke insecurity and jealousy instead of communicating a need or something. But than again the needs the person has are needs I can’t reciprocate because we arnt dating we are talking and getting to know each other. I was interested I use to see us be something but idk I feel like we can’t be on the same page. I feel like I can’t trust and it makes me shut down and I easily stop caring.

I’m thinking about all this like :/ idk I care we have a nice bond but not a good dynamic I do too little and in the end I was told “you do more than enough so please let’s fix it and work together on this I promise I’ll tame myself “ like 😂 idk i need some time i also havnt said i had feelings for someone and idk im scared i might not bw fully be over someone who didnt feel the same and i feel guilty over my feelings like i shouldnt be feeling this way and especially rn idk what i feel i want to heal that fully. Like i accepted it but i feel and it was special to me for other reasons that dont matter now ik .. So i need to mention something but not get into detail honesty and idk im almost sure we just dont work well. But what if this openess to change is frs and we can actully work well? Im gonna need time to think well .. Ik its lame but i cant just rush anything .. Calls i wont answer till i know what i have to say frs

[dawnlune]

Ironically a family member of mine starts talking about a singer who is “a dog” for cheating on an ex partner and dating someone who was friends with his partner. When people get into attachment theory or get a glimpse OMG!! everything and everyone is suddenly more clear to your eyes. I never been someone who judged anyone I play a fair approach tbh :) and I’d love to explain a lot when I say I play a fair approach. Anyhow no it wasn’t right that the singer did that.

But if you understood attachment theory and you’re not a big judgy person like mehh Jeez you understand people a little more than just seeing them and not just respecting them but sincerly knowing them a little more.

The singer seems to be a dismissive avoidant looking at every past lover he just used to jump into new experiences and well he got married not so long ago. Dismissive Avoidants and fearful avoidants are on the high spectrum of running into a new relationship for a new high and so on and on and it never ends until they actually do the work or find help. And let’s not forget these are the people that are more likely to cheat. Shutting down makes an individual basically numb out emotions if things get hard these people won’t be the types to communicate effectively and mostly likely disappear on you and I wanna remind people that this is NOT personal :( it’s not your fault at all if someone shuts down and pulls away from you so stop blaming yourself if you have Anxious tendencies nothing people do is your responsibility or your fault people are only responsible for their actions and your only responsible for yours . These are your addictive lovers because both the dismissive and fearful avoidants do not have your regular nervous system they operate from core wounds that they grew up with and subconscious self harm loops they dont even see and it does take a while to recognize your own doings and putting yourself in other people’s shoes. Futhermore, this instability will make an anxious person addicted to the hot and cold behaviors. And a secure individal want to work harder to maintain the relationship togther.

When your ex or partner comes back around again after disappearing they are all in again only to again disappear when things get so good or when they are so bad and they simply arnt there for you.. Yep secure & anxious individuals begin feeling resement towards this ex or partner for this emotional roller coaster.

Im a fearful avoidant and im owning up to this right now. My extra job for a company has given me a reason to become more emotionally responsible. Yes some how i feel more grounded, some how my head is more clear, somehow im thinking i was sad about the passing of my pet but im no longer going to hold in all this anger and sadness im not kicking the brick wall like that day in winter of 2023 near my birthday times i also wont punch bricks and silently cry as i did that day. I was outraged that day the pain in me never really goes when i remember how i lost my happinsss the baby i felt so over protective of.. my dad asked me to get over it and laughed as i was picking a brick wall so my feet inside my boots would bleed and my hands were bruised up and i kept punching until i was bleeding. I didn’t wanna cry i just wanted to hurt myself over and over until i felt nothing at all. These are behaviors were self sabotaging/ self destructive. I made decisions that would hurt my feelings when I was younger that too.

So when we look at the singer he looks happy! He looks like he’s changing a lot. No it wasn’t right that he cheated should’ve been honest or really not made a baby if you weren’t so sure , honesty to people is so much better than hurting them by stringing along like I promise you if you tell someone “I’m sorry but I don’t reciprocate your emotions. Furthermore, this is why we can no longer communicate goodbye” this is really something i recommend to my avoidant friends or fearful avoidants , people do understand yoyr boundary and keep walking away if they dont.. People will leave you alone majority of the time 😊. Because that is much better to communicate even if it can hurt someone in that moment than to hurt someone even more later and wasting their time , and making them feel worse i know cus i realized my lack of clearity to many suitors in the past made a big uncomfortable momentum in my silence. I had 3 guys fighting for me once in high school :/. To me I gave them hints i had feelings for someone else. Guess what? One of them spoke up and said “i thought it was me“ i walked away scared. But my lack of clarity brought me morw issues than it was nescessay. Now im quite more honest , if someone likes me and they express that .. yes im scared ! but I want to be more mature now like I do want to age and mature correctly and change , so I type the “ if we can not remain platonic friends, if you really think that your emotions will get the way of having a healthy platonic friendship than i deeply apologize but we can not be friends and we can’t talk anymore.” It’s getting easier now eventually I’ll be better at verbal communication.

Back the singer , if he took a big decision to settle down and seems to be doing good and is working on his attachment issue or looked for help for reals people would understand that it’s almost not completely his fault that he wasn’t able to deal with issues like that by himself. Like please imagine how hard it it is for you to deal with an ex or a partner now imagine you are the person who is usually blinded by truama or neglected or stone walled as a kid and having to learn to be independent at a young age. Cheating is no excuse its a foul dirty deed that deserves nothing but some sort of universal punishment . But its half a fualt , it is someones childhood truama pushing them to self sabatoge love, to randomly shut down because emotions can make someone feel danger becuse of core wounding and olf penetrated subconcious loops. No it is nobodys responsibiliry to save a dismissive avoidant nor a fearful avoidant. But it is your responsibility to have boundaries have a healthier idea to what your actully searching for in a partner and to really begin loving you and your love.

I read a rare attachment post that said “they are not your soulmate or your twinflame” it’s only your trauma and your attachment style addicted to their instability and trauma. HALF TRUE!

Soulmates come in all sorts of ways and usually real soulmates are ones that see your dark side without judgement and remind you of your light and you end up wanting to be in your light and it’s a two way end both people do the same for each other . Really nobody is perfect and nobody is supposed to be perfect we all make mistakes. So usually when we find a soulmate no matter our attachment style we feel called to fix our mistakes we forgive ourselves and people we love. And we actually want to change for reals. So basically if it’s the contrary if someone is only hurting and knows it and simply won’t or can’t change behaviors for instance wanting to hit you or gaslighting you or manipulating you or only blaming you for things they caused yep I seen this with my dad. These dynamics are no good dynamic if someone reached a level of control over you while they keep having fun this is not love , if someone won’t let you go but can’t make up their mind about you YOU LET THEM GO! YOU love YOURSELF and find happiness in simple things of life or find a person that actually would step up for you but never fall back again with someone new who only does the same thing.

What can I say it’s beautiful to be able to stand more into your own power. Nobody should be the reason you miss sleep , you don’t care about your appearance, you don’t eat or you over eat , you miss out on things that make you happy. In fact do the opposite 😊slowly but surely, someone decides to not call do not take it personal instead of saying me me me “they forgot me?” “ no They forgot” and I’m nobody’s mom and I don’t need to beg I’ll only answer to those who equally look for me the way I look for them if this inconsistency is making you upset I want YOU to ask yourself if bringing it up will change ? Or will it create a problem? If you can never address things without someone arguing or blaming you also it’s not about attacking someone it’s about your emotions and relationships & friendships are unfortunately based on companionship and emotional intelligence. Then I hope you can reconsider a true happiness story elsewhere. You don’t need to rush to a new lover give yourself time. But if you simply find yourself alone , hurt , having to be the bigger person within a relationship and in turn someone is causing you mental health harm and so on please :) begin a little process of returning to yourself.

Ik letting go is not the wording to use. I perfer a more calming approach with my friends & my cousins :) who date often. Or anyone who runs to me for help on letting go . We all hate that clique phrase let go cus ir means we are being vularble and soft or we have no way back. Idk why but most the time the human mind dont care about that especially when its in love avoidant or not letting go in the mind is not gonna happen. Therfore i tell people oh but you matter too, you seem stronger, you doing you now makes you look better :) . Pushing someone to care about themselves is better its pushing then to return to themselves. Take them to a healthy fun places like lets grab lunch at your fav caffe, lets go bowling , lets go catch a play or a movie , lets go to a theme park , lets go change a hair look lets go get a new style , lets go change your room , lets go look at cars etc :) healthy food and lots of water when your sad is a must. Its alright to be sad , write about it , burn it later or throw it in the river. Return to yourself :) you should sleep in fact sleep 20 mins earlier, you should work out , you should watch a movie or listen to an old album that made you happy a while back . 😊

Also letting people have alone time to process is a must reminding them your there if they need something is nice.

:) attachment theory is such a bright light i promise. Rn im in a thinking stage. Someone i found some sort of intrest in early March well something wasnt working. But im not gonna rush and im not gonna string along. I want to decide something definitive. The person spoke to me earlier in person. I want to be honest about something though and I also need to see how this would work , I can’t promise anything rn I want to act as mature as possible because I want to be more mature. I want to do things correctly as possible. Like im attracted to someone to loves to purposely do things that catch my attention in “provocative ways“ i dont wanna see someone wrongly and date them wrongly. I got intrested because the person seemed more secure and seems to try to be annd i notice. I just dont know emotionally i feel scared to look in my heart space like i sorta got my feelings back :/ thinking of Lady Pushes me to feel all my emotions i havnt really worked through or things i avoid deeply. If something triggers my sadness bruhh everything wound wants to rush in and remind me im hurt or something and i dont like it . It’s because im so good at avoiding or repressing / numb out feelings until something hurts and unloads the rest :/… great .. idk suddenly feelings I felt once and worked away and focused on other things to avoid wanna peep in and this isn’t even right .. like I want to heal this for good and maybe just possibly look into a reconciliation with this new person. It’s just idk yk I dislike it when someone keeps comparing my inexperiences to people who have experience and all like no I don’t feel bad I just feel criticism and it makes me not wanna care about wanting to try. And fighting for someone isn’t for me either you want me or dont easy as that if you have someone else or have options don’t pick me in fact I would get out of the line I’m sorry for instance me when I know I want someone

That other person or people who want to date me are people I can easily not care about if I did I would’ve been dating whoever it was instead .One person once told me to stop focusing on one person like who cares if I date unless I’m married to the person I should always keep my eyes open cus there’s always people who want me and would steal me from my partner no matter how much of a loyal person I wanna be to the person I focus on. I didn’t wanna demonstrate how annoying that sounded but tbh I might be a big baby as the person I met in early march said inexperienced whatever but :/ me wanting to cheat? Fears do jump in like what if I’m missing out on true love and this here is not working . But I’m learning so much about this is happens and I’m working on it like forever is a lot less scary than before i don’t fear that so much anymore. But Frs cheating ? Yeah idk like I’d rather say it won’t work and go away than to lie and all if indesisive its clear i should try the flipping a coin whatever i truly want is what ill hope for. But either way if im indecisive its clear i should let go amd quit stressing out in my own doings . I wanna see the person I love smile even if I’m scared my fearful avoidant is such a big part of me .. I simply know hurting someone would hurt me especially if I love them like I saw my dad cheat on my mom all the time , i saw him hit her , i think to myself , seeing someone hurt and be miserable becsuse of me would remind me of the past how i wished my mom smiled more likw she does rn she even lost weight and looks happier now 😊. I wanna make someone happy in the long run too.. idk if this person is the person for me just yet I havnt said anything at all im going to think about it tm and message when I feel ready to. But if its not them one day ill find someone awesome and i wont miss it all because thats the way life is. This healing has been beyond amazing recognizing my own issues is a slap in face but everything will work out some how 😊. No I won’t ghost the person I have to be straight forward and clear I suck at it it’s what gets me in issues like just tell people I don’t feel the same or remark friendship so there is always a reminder that it’s only a platonic bond and disappearing won’t fix issues it only makes them last longer and become bigger. Cut the time and be compassionate and honest and say goodbye properly if boundaries or honestly can’t be handled correctly by the other person. Anyhow I’ve learned so much and I hope everyone can be understood more I try to understand people more especially rn that I’m working on my healing from this attachment issue. I’m not afraid of what will happen or not I sure now I’ll be balanced and wise enough to remain calm, positive and resilient in life 😊 AMOR FATI ❤️

[dawnlune]

Sometimes listening to people can really show you so much about yourself.

My cousin talked about his heartbreak to me. He than asked me about my own feelings like who’s the guy I don’t ever talk about and I said I don’t have anyone to talk about rn :D. And I had to really think.. Idk looking in my feelings can be stressful sometimes like thinking of emotions and how I’m just no good at them and people communicating I suck at emotions has made me think I don’t have to feel anything than… my first crush said it , I needed a wack on my head to see the reality that I was liked a lot by him. Than my recent crush from a. Few weeks ago well I sucked at communication especially when someone keeps going back about exs and it’s not me being jealous trust me jealousy I can see in myself and normally I step up like for instance there’s this girl 30 something she knew my mom before I was born and today she thinks she knows my mom better than me and tries to get her nice gifts and even takes my mom out to eat as “her second mom” since her mom doesn’t really ever care about her. I don’t get jealous about my mom getting free gifts only when this girls thinks she knows my mom and purposely tries to make me mad :0 and my mom doesn’t try to make me jealous which actually makes me jealous frs like that’s not your mama that’s my mom. You bought her a low budget gift yeah my mom likes simple but expensive stuff… so when I noticed the girl gave her a birthday gift a day before to be the first.. the next day I ran to the store and bought her something more expensive than 100 I went and got 2 expensive things simple but pretty 2k -6k worth. Than I told my mom to show it off to her when she showed up and my mom laughed and said why are you doing this I threw away her gift 😭 it was too childlike and it broke when i opened it plus your gifts will always be before someone elses because your my kid. 😂 I was like cool but let her know please 😂✌️… this showed me heyyy I do get jealous but when I do I do better and step up my game i dont play a blame game or victimize myself .. But people who purposely do things like that person , to upset me only made me think im better off without someone pushing me to feel insecure or even act out which i dont do i just leave or disappear. This person has been trying to get my attention again though and talked to me in person. Im not sure its what i want 😔 though but i am attracted to the person but i dont just want to be attracted i actuaoly want to feel and not run away cus im worried or shut down. This persons so good at yelling when i dont tallk and othed things as well .. I just take my time i wanted to know them better but idk im alone and i feel better rn like its nice to have options now and not feel so scared that someone will hurt you or overwhelm you and stress you out.. Should i text back again or nahh this person said they would take me back rn 😂✌️ and im like maybe 🤔 hmm.. I just feel bad cus I don’t have feelings and suddenly I kinda remembered something else and I feel bad if I’m not honest. Like I should heal completely like idk I feel weird about something I can’t even mention because it doesn’t add up. Well I liked someone before my now Interest and it makes me think I should heal more or something like I can’t just feel parts of me pulling off like me kinda remembering my emotions for someone who didn’t feel the same. Idk but this is not right.. i want to be in a healthy connection with someone especially someone who seems like they do want to change with me and I’m not sure at the same time.. but I’ll think about this before saying NO to someone who might actually change and me too though nothings forever unless you work together with someone and not force anything and as a fearful avoidant I don’t want to be trapped but I’m not ever trapped I have it understand this and I am on my way to.. I’m not helpless and I’m gonna heal that because I don’t wanna be super old and wondering why I didn’t love someone when I was younger even if it doesn’t end up in marriage it would be beautiful to share a story one day 😆 idk who ill wmd up with but Basiclly through

People we might find a path and as hard as it is to be a fearful avoidant i want to work on something with someone Might not be forever but if it is WOW 😊❤️ rn i gotta think though and see if this person is right for me though if not I see love differently now I don’t mind leaving or staying either

[dawnlune]

A random news astrology post, It’s been getting said that collectively if you have a soul contract or what not a soulmate or karmic connection still lingering in your hearts space your connection can be at its deep ending in this life time if you havnt heard from that person :) or you feel like your finally letting someone go during this time or these months since January . There was a north node activation for about 4 years I heard, the reason why it’s because it’s going on the complete endding now the fatal north node activation is basically going inactive in the middle of April for good . So it is a matter of time now before something karmic or something beautiful is on the fence of its final destination. If your soulmate comes back though or your karmic there is still unfinished business something hasn’t finished in the fatal realm. Right now there’s a lot of people either returning to unions or the full release of a terrible yet good lesson of love hardship ending . Mid April is the final momentum. Union or an entire life time ending . I’m concerned my cousin has a relationship that has been wonky and well I love to see her happy but this guy might really not be it for her but hey fate has its own plans and I’m normally your forgiving person but I hope he finally is wiped off completely from her life so he can be happy with someone I feel that there’s someone else I can almost be completely sure I just say nothing cus I don’t have proof and who am I to break a connection? Especially if my cousin is happy 😣. I want to see the fatal destiny there and how it goes for my cousin and all the other people around me ☺️.

I want to know and hear peoples expiernces on this end rn and i hope that true love connections actually work out like connections that deserve another oppturnity and that if your ex hasnt connacted you or that soulmate bond you felt with someone is in question right now didnt already come back to union or contact well it is the universe saying it finally completed its cycle for you and that person especially if you’ve been asking yourself to stay or move on, if someone hasn’t responded or reappeared physically it’s finally the end of your worries it might sound hurtful but it’s better to get clarity than to be holding onto false hope. Clarity helps you heal and move on the truth can hurt but it’s the truth and lying will never solve problems or bring you any true happiness. The strong fatal events were supposed to happen i heard durung these 4 years of the activation but everything is technically timed when it’s super fated. This can also apply to friendship bonds 😔 if you remember an old friend or old friends or someone from your past and you feel it this pull to go backwards to connect once again well it might mean that bond hasn’t expired or if your letting go of a sad friendship story it’s a good sign that it’s came to it’s ending in this life time. If an old friend tries to come back a cycle hasn’t been completed but trust your own insight you’ll know better than anything when something healthy deserves an opportunity because it wasn’t that bad or if no is the answer on your end now.

Yeah I’ve been remembering old friends lately I’ve hand many relationships, platonic friendship wise. Some I definitely forgot about , on the end of forgetting and some I reconnected with recently.

Mid April is finally a new start to a clearing stage in your lives a lot of wiped out clearance for you or a new beginning on a return of someone (lovw wise or platonic) collectively. In this life time there’s still so many new connections that will cross your path maybe not as fatal as the previous but that’s part of life . Don’t worry if friends or lovers or questioned connections don’t return it’s part of destiny and you won’t be confused in the mid of April. Like I said I want to see my cousins connection I want to see what happens this guy hasn’t been back for a while this time I feel that this is the answer he’s not but I won’t discard the a small hope. My cousin really loves this man but idk this man seems so interested in partying and smoking and it’s not a bad thing but I have this mindset to be honest with others. Personally if I want a fling ima say it , if I want a friendship ima say it , if I want a long term partner ima say it sure at first time always gonna seem confusing but finding your own wants has become so correct. If your not ready be honest , if you really dont want someome but you still stay around thats really weird like this guy what does he want? He acts single but my cousin cant act single cus he gets upset and asks her why is she acting single?

So I told my cousin to give him space he might need it yk. We all need space , weather we really want something or not space is needed we need to focus on goals too , life , our well being like working out or our own hobbies.

Idk but he comes and goes and shes always taking this person back. I think this is something okay if both people like this but my cousin actually seems more invested here. I’m not gonna ask her to leave him I havnt because from my pov she’s slowly letting go now. If I tell someone let go did you know we find offense to this mentally and we only push our friends of loved ones to rebel against the idea especially in trauma bonds. So basically I heard a dr say “be curious into things & point out the reality in little bits to the person”

Ex: if there is a partner who hits the other don’t say “omg leave him“ be curious and highlighting a reality check in a calm manner. Almost like your in someones reality right like almost like your not seeing the flaws either. Like “oh he hit you oh no can I see where.” “Does it hurt?“ “how many times does this happen?“ “did anyone see?“ “but your happy right?” basically dont judge or give someone signs that your judging cus then they will hide things from you be more like accepting to the their reality of “love is pain” oh he stalks you?“ ohh she says your trash?“ “why does she say that is it when your happy?“ almost like its no biggie but highlighting the reality. Dont show signs that your super worried or like your against it. Basically thats what im doing with my cosuin shes older than me 😭😁. But pushing someone out of a relationship isn’t going to work and i hate to be that person :/ yet showing the reality isn’t bad it’s the truth and I hate it but I don’t want to see my cousin holding onto someone who’s not sure of what he wants it’s simple to say it “I’m not sure I’ll get back to you on my true feelings eventually but for now we should be apart until I now what’s up or when I’m ready“ “im no good at commitment ill try but you decide if we can still have a connection after knowing the truth ”

Idk but I’m a fearful avoidant and I havnt found it hard to define things maybe not straight up but in the back of my head it’s always like “I would take this seriously I think I would I’m scared as always but yeah ” or “idk about that person” yet my actions have always been harder to show or follow through and verbal communcation is hard too, writing is easier or texting but there’s a name for everything. Situationships, flings, platonic friendships, lover, family ... So when someone does something to a family member i love its like i get angry.

What happened to my brother also made me angry. I don’t date or hook up with people if I did I’m not the type to say no I havnt I simply will say YEAH AND ? . I have had lots platonic friendships that ended harshly countless times but love relationships well those I can only count one time I almost frs dated someone but as stupid and false as it sounds that was such a long time ago lately I don’t even remember that connection anymore it’s like it keeps fading from my memories and I don’t even want to remember anymore Im forgetting the memories :0 I’m being honest if this wasn’t true I wouldn’t even say anything or I’d say “I miss this person frs but etc ” yet real thing is I don’t!! This is the only love relationship I’ve almost expirenced and I finally healed from it completely it’s been a while tbh I’m not even mad or anything I just hope he does the same eventually cus I know it deep in me I don’t want that connection and I moved on entirely like usually I can be indecisive about feelings duw to being shut dowm or turned back on but ive been in both modes and im so sure its NO!! like why woukd i want a new start there when ive been noticing there are people who would go above and beyond, there are people who can stabilize their emotions nobody’s perfect , I never asked for a perfect partner I never will I want to love someone who disnt believe love was real tbh 😂 someone who also probably hides away from others and who hasn’t expirenced love in anyway like me 😂 and i also want to do it right and balance myself bettwr at the right time. Making friends was easy but it got harder as I got older I stay far from platonic friendships now that’s why I’m mainly just a loner who likes it this way :( . Love relationships well idk how those go and it’s way more scary to hook up or to find someone romantically.

My cousin asks how my needs get met alone. I’m like STAY FOCUSED ON SOMETHING IMPORTANT and watch yourself not have needs 😆 stressful jobs take all of your energy so you dont have to have needs like jeezzzz what kinda question is that? But really.

But even if i want someone im invisionioning of :( i sorta have to follow my families ideal stuff. Sure i almost rebeled against it .. Sometimes i choose what makes me happy but ngl i sorta been in a place where no side was a winning side. Which made me see idk what makes me happy i never saw what made me happy and rn i wanna do thw right thing for everyone else

Alright though :) i guess time to observe those around me during this time about the fatal endings or new beginings its like a door or a portal that will shut completely for love connections karmic level or soulmate or strong bonds . But im happily stepping up for my own fatal endings to my life time im sure there will be more and new north node activations future wise brining in new fatal people. But for now im doing healing to move on and on and on until my soul feels on fire to a new start future wise. Hard Lessons arnt bad i promise they make us even if they feel like destruction. Im ready to expierence the end of old cycles for new rebirth.