dawnlune

[dawnlune]

“ today I was asked If I’m really never interested in anyone?” (I’ve learned a healthy way to live)

Damn , no I’m not a player I might seem that way I can see myself in a mirror. But no I’m not a player I rarely notice if someone is into me because I value communication. If someone is into me I’m sure they will let me know. My past mistakes have helped me so much. I use to be someone who ran from people who showed strong interest or ghosted friends who showed romantic interest. Love has been a scary experience but because of childhood trauma not because I’ve dated people 😅😂 ..

also I don’t have a history of dating it would be cool one day to talk about something like that but I’ve only had strong feelings one time I was stuck on my childhood crush for years. Idk I had hopes that well maybe our platonic relationship would become something more. Im happy to say I don’t feel that way anymore. No even if he got back into contact with me I think our course ended summer of 2023 idk I began walking my own direction and I see myself as a person and if I said I wished him well & acted mature about him dating someone new I guess I can be a big girl for myself too like I can be happy about my own journey . If my old friends don’t believe me I literally blocked him , I got rid of their art work, I blocked their sibling too, I got rid of their cousins also following me nothing against them super nice people but there should no longer be any sort of contact at all especially if yk I talk to someone new I feel this disrespect towards them idk I feel that way & idk 🤷‍♀️ :) since last summer though :) . I’m not angry yet he is I was expected to fight for someone but like I don’t fight or force anyone to be beside me I didn’t say how I felt & it ate me up for years :) I just had lots of changes in my life inside myself & we’ll work , moving around often because of work just kept giving me a new perspective to life. I’m far from mad on my end like I wish nothing but happiness.

Today I just see that Idk why I was so emotionally attached to someone I also walked away from too , I also ignored at some stage, I didn’t feel comfortable with, I felt like I was going to get hit or verbally attacked for no reason like damn we were just kids. It felt heavy it felt ugly & I saw my emotions for someone like that as something beautiful even if I was 13 they were my first crush because before him I was like “ewwwww cooties” “ew idk what love is & I don’t want that” respectfully though I guess I like people who smile not someone who frowns and finds a reasons to be angry about everything. Yes We were too different so alike and to others so alike like we were meant to be a power couple because even you and your tuxes & me my dresses the colors always matched our shoes matched our hair matched we read each others minds what a scary thing tbh ...

I look back and it was only our dark side it was only this anger we shared , it was only this sadness we carried around, it was our artistic minds too & our instrumental love . You were into drums and and I the guitar. Our favorite bands. We never had a laugh together? We never had a chance to really meet. It feels hollow to me. I ran into you last fall but I felt a million light years away I didn’t bother to look I put on my glasses and kept walking away. I guess losing feelings for someone feels so natural so different, easy & like nothing is there anymore. To think this feeling was forever. Me secretly promising when I didn’t attend the same school again that I’d never look at someone else because I was always going to feel this way for one person forever and ever. I didn’t I kept my promise 😂 little me was a secret romantic right after saying “ew I won’t ever feel love it seems gross.”

I use to be angry at myself but nahh it’s adorable that I felt this way it’s adorable that I avoided people for someone. I miss this kid sometimes in me yk this side of me that felt like crying that felt like I would wait forever for someone to talk to me again even if you find out one day that they found someone amazing & still leaving signs that it’s still you like those signs they use to give you when you weren’t interested. But you realize you don’t feel the same anymore because it did kinda kill something in you. But after a while without something in your heart it’s safe to just look at the moon and not yearn , to be alone and sit alone and not yearn.. especially when you heal childhood trauma things feel more different in such a good way.

😊 yeah I changed a lot. I’m not perfect but I’m working on always changing that’s the most important part. My friends are awesome for sticking by me 😂 even if I was okay anyways yk like it was also my fault & he deserved better but so do I . I’m excited for my projects I’m excited for my own journey too. But I think it’s gonna be okay I think I don’t have to rush life , love , emotions.. I’m knowing myself too like it’s been going okay , working on my fears, working on this annoying disorganized attachment style, I’m more secure these days but god it’s been difficult but not at all impossible. ���️ my solitude has been useful , self reflection too.. it’s been good even if ts hard to believe 🤣☺️ I communicate better these days & I definitely can do better …. This year has been really kind to me and I’m grateful. & yes friends I MOVED ON FOR REALS 😊 I’m communicating with honesty. (First personal post)