daveychrist

[daveychrist]

It's been so long

Since I last saw you

Or we even talked

Do you ever

Think about me

Do you miss me

Sometimes

When you least

Expect it

Or maybe

More than that

Do you regret

Your decision

I mean

I doubt it

I've assumed

You're happier

Without me

Because what

Were you gaining

From being with me

At the end

If you're wondering

I still think about you

And the time

We had together

Far too often

I wish I didn't

'Cause the memories

Still hurt me

Every time I do

The happiest parts

Of my life are

The parts that hurt

Me the most

If you're wondering

I don't miss you

Much anymore

Cause I still remember

The bad times

As well

They weren't

All my fault

And I will never

Forget how

You treated me

At the end

[daveychrist]

I wonder if

I'll be able

To trust again

To love again

Or even feel again

It's so easy

To be unsure

When there's no one

In my life right now

To not know what

I'm capable of

Without the

Opportunity

To find out

You can't exist

In a vacuum

But that's what

I've been doing

It's been dark

For so long

I can't remember

What the sun's like

Not that I ever

Spent much time

In it anyway

It's hard to hope

For better days

When there's so

Few options left

For me now

Everything I've tried

Just keeps failing

Every improvement

Beset by even more

Shortcomings

It's so hard

Not to throw

It all away

But I know that

Going back

To the beginning

Would be

Even worse

I can believe

That someday

Someone will

Want the person

That they see

Maybe someone

Even does

Right now

But my fear is

That no one

Will ever want

The person that

Resides beneath

[daveychrist]

I wonder if there's another world

Where's there's another me

One that's found happiness

A measure of success

And a purpose in life

One that hasn't had to

Struggle all his life

And more and more

As he got older

One who had a good childhood

Who didn't experience

Neglect and abuse

Bullying in school

The push and pull

Of classmates

Who didn't accept him

For being weird

The ones who resented him

For being smarter

Yet wanted the benefits

Of his homework

One who didn't become calloused

Sarcastic and glib

Who handled the pressures

Of working and college

Without escaping

Into substance abuse

One who found a job

He actually liked

That paid the bills

And was also fulfilling

Who didn't break down

And had to start over

After putting himself

Back together in a way

That wasn't quite right

One who found love

And actually kept it

Who wasn't left scarred

And doomed to repeat it

One who wants to live

And always has

Without visions of dying

And the urge to give up

Who wants to grow old

And sees beauty in life

Instead of living in darkness

That only grows colder

The sad thing is

By this description

He wouldn't be me at all

He'd be someone else

A stranger who could

Never understand

Or be understood

I wonder if he'd feel pity

"That poor wretch of a man"

Well he can fuck off

I've done the best I can

I won't let him judge me

After having an easier time

For all of his life

And I really hope he never

Comes to this world

To take my place

Because that naive soul

Would never survive

[daveychrist]

I close my eyes

As the light fades

And drift

The thoughts come

Like sharks

Hidden in the water

Ever present

Swimming quietly

But now louder

And louder still

With nothing more

To distract me

Envelop me

Overwhelm me

No escape

With sleep

Too far away

Every mistake

Every misfortune

Relived again

In slow motion

Everything wrong

Every trouble

Dissected

Reconstructed

Every failure

A sentence

To be carried out

When I lie down

What reprieve

For this anguished

Unforgiving mind

Can ever be found

Then silently

Unknowingly

Sleep takes me

Into its arms

And I disappear

Along with

My cruel thoughts

Into my dreams

For another

Fitful night

Given just

A small measure

Of mercy

Until tomorrow

When it repeats

All over again

I only wish

I would slip

Into nothingness

Instead

[daveychrist]

We dream of floating

But we just want our feet

To touch the ground

To have some reassurance

In this uncertain place

In these insecure times

To know we're moving forward

And not just going in circles

But how can we tell

When surrounded by nothing

I have so many regrets

But I wouldn't change a thing

How could I trust myself

To make better choices

Every mistake I've made

Has created who I am

Every mistep and stumble

Has led me to this place

If I had taken a different path

You wouldn't even know me

If I'd found happiness

Would you even like me

Would I still care about you

The way that I do now

Would I try so hard

To make you feel better

Would I pay attention

When you're quietly feeling down

Because what I want

Is for you not to feel like me

If just once during all this time

I had listened to my mind

To let the blood flow

And slip out into the night

There would be an absence

Shaped just like me

I can't say for sure

How your life would be different

But the last time I made you laugh

Would've been silence instead

I don't need to find myself

I know who I am

I know what I do

And the difference I make

But I need to find happiness

Or a better reason to stay

Because making the world better

Means absolutely nothing

If you can't feel the difference

That just being you makes

[daveychrist]

I woke up today

That was my first mistake

If I don't wake up tomorrow

Then that'll be just fine

They say "Another day, another dollar"

And if that's true

Then I should have more dollars

To buy something today

This whole world is rotten

Like an apple on the ground

And to the worms that eat me

I just want to say I'm sorry

I keep going round and round

Never getting anywhere

I'm starting to get dizzy

So maybe I'll just stop

I have plenty to be sad about

I'm sure that you'd agree

But that's not my problem

'Cause I'm sad for no reason

I don't know why they call them shrinks

My problems keep getting bigger

Maybe if they got smaller

Then I wouldn't need one

The best of being single

For the last seven years

Is no one has left me

For seven whole years

And the last one that left me

I really don't blame her

Cause if I'd been her

I would've left me too

[daveychrist]

What did I do to end up

In this empty place?

It was a choice I made

But I was only trying

To mitigate the unfortunate

Circumstances of my life

I won't ask what I did

To deserve this

Because I did nothing

Beyond try to make

A better life for myself

Out of these ashes

Is it fair that I must

Try so much harder

To stay alive when

I don't even want to

To stay the hand

I shake yours with

You see the value in me

I just see the hardship

You want me to stay

I just want to be free

Because for some reason

I can't be me, but not broken

[daveychrist]

I know a man who has given up, but he stiill goes thru life just the same.

Every day he gets up, has his coffee, brushes his teeth, shaves, showers, and goes to work.

Every day he acts like everything is normal. He smiles, converses, and works diligently.

Only I can tell that his heart is gone. Instead there is a little mechanical box, full of gears and springs.

On the weekends he disappears. For two days, no signs of life. Never leaves the house. Itxs like he doesn't exist.

I stopped him on the sidewalk one day, and asked him, "Why don't you find something new?" A different job, a hobby. Something to get your heart back."

He said, "I hate working, I have no hopes or dreams, nothing brings me joy. I sold my soul just to be able to get by, and now I just want to die."

He looked at me, eyes pleading. "Kill me. Please. I can't do it myself."

I stared at him for a long while, without saying a word, then slowly, quietly, guiltily walked away.

I never talked to him again, but I still see him every day.

[daveychrist]

The weight of the world

Is crushing me

By the world,

I mean my heart

A tired organ,

Only still beating

Because it has to

Given a choice

It would stop

And me with it

By the world,

I mean my mind

A dreary place

Where no light

Ever shines

A dark void

Where gravity

Makes it difficult

To move forward

Or backward

Or even at all

I ask myself

Which is more trouble

To stay

Or to leave?

I don't know

But to stay

Requires nothing

And so I do

[daveychrist]

I met you at the wrong time

But maybe if I met you

At the right time

I would've been

The wrong person

Or maybe I never would've

Been the right person

For you at all

Or maybe you were

Never the right person

You were just a person

There at the time

When I was lonely

And you smiled

So I decided

To fall in love with you

[daveychrist]

We think

We can fill

The hole left

In our heart

By meeting

Someone new

But sometimes

They just leave

A second hole

With time the pain

Can fade a bit

And only hurt

When we least

Expect it

But the hole

Stays forever

It seems

Or maybe

I just haven't

Hurt enough

I can get by

Because I've

Simply forgotten

Most of

The memories

So I forget

I'm supposed

To hurt

But what is

Even worse

Is when

I feel

A new hole

From someone

Who isn't

Even mine

[daveychrist]

Almost every day

You see blood

But there's no discomfort

So you ignore it

When was the last time

A doctor did right by you

Secretly you hope

It gets worse

Becomes untreatable

And takes away

All the tomorrows

You don't want

You're too old now

For anyone to tell you

You have a bright future

But they don't like it

When you talk about

How much you want

To disappear

They don't like

The thought of

You leaving

It's selfish

Wanting you to stay

And suffer

But not as selfish

As you are

Because you don't care

How they feel

Because your reason

For staying here

Is that it's still preferable

To the exits you have

At your disposal

[daveychrist]

The last time I saw you

I thought we were still forever

I didn't know a few months later

I'd never want to talk to you again

The last time I saw you

I knew you were gone for good

But I never thought that

You'd never want to speak to me again

All these years now

I have been alone

I still don't know how to replace

Everything you took from me

To be heartbroken twice

In such a short amount of time

Have I even healed

Or did I just scar over

Is it even worth it

To find another love

Just to risk the same pain

And to have to start over again

To be afraid of feeling

What everyone says is best

Am I even still human

When my heart is gone

It's better to have loved and lost

Then never loved at all

Is the biggest lie

I have ever heard

[daveychrist]

On the day I die

If you're crying

You won't be crying for me

You'll just be crying for you

Because it's what I've wanted

Almost my whole life

Maybe you'll be thinking

Of the times we'll never have

And maybe just maybe

I wanted them too

But mostly I've just wanted

To sleep and never wake up

I hate feeling this bad

Every single day

If I could be happy

Then maybe I'd want to stay

But what's the point in wishing

For what you can't have

It's ok to be sad

I know it's gonna hurt

It's not gonna seem fair

But when has it ever been

I need you to remember

An end was always coming

We just didn't know

The day it would arrive

And if my time has come

I'm just sorry it wasn't sooner

[daveychrist]

Sometimes saying nothing means you never get another chance.

[daveychrist]

We must hold man accountable for his sins, lest he become a god worshipped by his imitators.

Most of all, we must be accountable to ourselves, lest we lose our humanity.

[daveychrist]

They say when you fall

You have to get up again

And keep moving

But what if you never

Hit the ground?

What if it's a hole

With no bottom?

I've been falling

For a very long time

And all I've done

Is slowed the rate

Of my descent