dave-dandelions

[dave-dandelions]

there’s been a terrorist attack in christchurch, white supremacists, what now appear to be an organised cell of 4 (and perhaps more, one member talked of 10 before the attacks on social media), attacked multiple mosques during prayers. 30 are feared to be dead. from my understanding there have been several car bombs that have been disarmed since. one of the attackers livestreamed the attack and said “subscribe to pewdiepie” before he began firing.

one of the attackers posted a manifesto online, both on his twitter and 8chan, it’s full of ironic nazi memery, claiming the terrorist attack was a partisan action against an invading and occupying force and laying the blame for his radicalisation at the feet of the communications director of turning point usa, candace owens. he self describes as an eco fascist.

the manifesto also specifically states that the attacks would not kill police (except ones of “invader backgrounds”) if it could be avoided, as they believe they’ve “remained loyal” to “the people”.

in the days before the attack the man also posted pictures of his clearly illegal weapons on twitter, covered in various fascist slogans including the 14 words, statements about the UN migrant pact and the names of various battles between the habsburgs and the ottoman empire, as well as the names of mass murderers of the past.

[dave-dandelions]

There Goes My Hero

It was hard to sit down and write anything about Dad. Every time I did the words got caught and I kind of choke up. Saying I'm a bit upset about how things turned out would be an understatement.

Its hard because Dad was many things to me, and many other things to other people. That was just Dad for me.

He started out as my hero - he was so cool. He used to show up in his GTO with music blazing and cool sun glasses (not so cool now that I remember them, but cool to a 10 year old at least). He would ask me about Karate and test my reflex's; I was never fast enough. See I remember those times. Going fast in his car, going 'bloke shopping' on the weekends - I remember the toys, the playstation, cartoons with Nana and Popa. It’s part of my good memories, part of why Lower Hutt feels like home to me.

But there are a lot of bad memories too. A lot of times where I was mad at him. Times where he spent all his money and had to be bailed by Mum. Times that he wouldn't stop drinking, even when it no longer worked for him. There were times when I was in a dark place because of him, times when he was my light and it was fading. I missed him then.

When Nana died part of him went too I think. He was sad - really sad - the kind of sad drinking and spending all his money couldn’t get him through. He still tried though, oh boy did he try. It hurt to see him like that, hurt more when we lost the house and lost his happiness to mounting debt. 

I wanted to be there for him but I didn't know how, all the things that where going on where too big for me. I wanted to save him but he didn’t want to be saved.

It started with an infection, an infection caused by him not treating his diabetes. He lied to us, swore in his hospital bed that he would turn it all around. He never did. But I believed him. I believed him the second and third time too. In the end there was nothing left to believe and we kind of broke up after that. I couldn't fix this and it was hurting me to be there. It took a long time to come to terms with that.

Dad was always a liar, a bullshiter some would say, but it was still hard to have that sitting there.

A few years back I finally told him. I told him how hard it was to come home to him in a state, how annoyed it made me that we never got anywhere. How hurt I was that he wasn’t there when I needed him.

My life was chaotic in part because of him. But I don’t think he ever saw that until just then. 

I think he finally got it then, though addiction by that point was no longer and option for him. He was too sick then and we had already been talking about death and dying.

It was hard, but I think we were starting to put things back together near the end. I don't know if he saw it that way, but we were building up trust again - not for him but for me. Talking about it and feeling it out in the time we would spend together. 

We talked about Quitline and being on the phones, we talked about the feeling we get when we help people. We talked about relationships and love, we talked about my career and how proud he was. He told everyone about it. He told me about his stand up routine - between you and me I'm glad that didn't go through. 

We talked about it, and then he died. It’s okay though. 

He is still my hero

[dave-dandelions]

‘Idea Debt’

 A little while ago I watched a video by @satchbag that focused on this idea of being ‘too inspired’. It really spoke to me personally about the nature of dreaming and our expectations. 

See I have social anxieties and, true to text book, I spend a lot of time reflecting on myself and situations I’ve been in. I tend to set really big goals for myself.. Well, goals is not quite the word, its more like realities. Realities I pretend to live in.  I spend my time dreaming.

I can spend days or even weeks thinking about ‘what it would be like to be popular and famous’ or  ‘what it would be like to be the life of the party, the most popular person’. I think about conversations I would have and stories I would tell. I think about how great that would be, to be accepted and rewarded for doing something. I dream about acceptance, even though in truth I already am. 

I think about these things, these moments of elevation, but I never do any thing to achieve them.

Its not that I don’t want to, well, maybe it is..? Its definitely not that I can’t achieve these things I my life time, I really believe I can if I try. Rather its that they are comforting to me. They are an idea of a world where I’m important, special as it were. It makes me feel good, and I think I want to feel important far more than I ever want to be important. 

For me personally,my goal is to one day write a book; something personal about my experiences, something about me. I feel like I have something to share and not just for the sake of being self-important. I feel like I have something important to say, that people need to talk about. I just have to find the right way to say it.

And so maybe this book won’t make headlines, it might not even get published; it could be a disaster  or a bomb and never worth mentioning. But that reality is far better to me than a world where I never create anything. I can’t spend my whole life day dreaming. 

Today is not the day I start writing; I’m not going to make far-out promises or permanent decisions about whats coming and when. But some day I will pick up the pen start, metaphorically speaking. Until then I’m just going to focus on the little things. Life is an experience and I can’t let my expectations discredit my outcomes. 

So I’d say thanks for the video, Satch, and keep up the great work

Copacetic

- Dave    

[dave-dandelions]

Return of the King

It's not an easy thing to take your old job back, especially when your last words were “I’ll die before I take this job back”

Well I’m not dead, unfortunately...?

And, yes I’m back at the supermarket, for something like the 5th time in my adult life. It’s a less than inspiring outcome, but at least it will pay my bills for the next few months.

Also on the plus side everyone has been really supportive so far, friendly smiles and handshakes all round. They really seem to like me, I even get my fair share of preferential treatment from the bosses; it's nice to have some comfort in the dark place of minimum wage work, even if it's just a mutual sense of helplessness.

But everything just feels so wrong. But why? Everything is working out, i have a job, and okay it's not the best job, but it will do for now. Why do I aggressively distrust this?

Well I can do better, that's why. But I haven’t yet. It kind of feels like I never do. It’s hard not to be disappointed in myself.

So I ask myself, how am I going to do this? How do I balance my self-worth in an unchanging and unaware environment, while still keeping hope for my future?

I really don’t know yet, and time just keeps on slipping (slippn’ slippn’ into the fuuuuture!) by me. I’m older and wise, but no further along than I was 7… 8 years ago. (Oh god…). The future is out there but it’s not here yet and I’m just finding that hard to deal with right now.

Hope nobody I know sees me back here :/

I guess we’ll see.

Having said all that, I’ve been inspired recently by things around me. I’ve decided to get away from my big dream, my ‘idea debt’ as it were, and start build little things in the now to make me happy. It’s got me motivated at the very least, and maybe just a little excited too.

Going to try and write more as well, hope you guys are still keen for that kind of thing. Give me a like if that’s something you guys would like to see from me,

Anyway, I’m rambling and my assignment is getting cold (that’s a lie, it was pronounced dead three hours ago). I’ll drop back in on you guys in a while

Mad Love Cool Cats

-David  

[dave-dandelions]

Chilling in the crib, listening to Radio X

[dave-dandelions]

You used to call me round for Netflix,

Late night when you need to chill,

…

I know when that season plays, that can only mean one thang…

[dave-dandelions]

[dave-dandelions]

CONFESSION: I’M NOT “50/50″ BISEXUAL

I came out when I was 14 and fell into a binary definition of bisexuality. This way of looking at sexuality pigeonholes bi people into a murky grey area between the monosexist “norms” of gay and straight.  It’s common for bi people to fall into the binary trap, as binaries are perpetuated in every aspect of our heteronormative society. It couldn’t be until a few years later, when I learned more about the bi community, that I would find out that bisexuality isn’t anything close to binary.

It’s this binary idea of bisexuality that has many gay and straight individuals asking bi people questions like “what percentage are you attracted to women and men?”  Many times, newly minted bi people feel pressured to give percentages, saying they’re 70% into men and 30% into women. Or vice versa. Other bi people retort that bisexuality cannot be dissected into percentages. I’ve fallen into the latter group, publicly refusing to have my sexuality comprised by my “gayness” and “straightness.”

Yet, if I’m being honest, I’ve felt anxiety in regards to not being “50/50” bisexual. Especially as an activist in the LGBT community, I stress about not being perceived as “bi enough.” This has led me to monitor my expressions, suppressing parts of my personality that might be perceived as “more feminine.”

I’ve worried about how some people might perceive my sexuality, and I’ve felt the need to be equally attracted to men and women. It’s something I unconsciously think about. If my last partner was a man, I think about what it would mean if I dated another man. Or worse, if I dated multiple men in a row. Similarly, I worry about dating women due to the isolation many bi people are made to feel in LGBT spaces when dating someone of another sex.

People frequently try to invalidate my sexuality. It’s been happening all my life. I’ve been told that I’m going through a “phase,” that I’m too “gay,” or a variety of other bisexual erasing tropes. The idea of my dating life adding to that invalidation stresses me out.

This worry is a manifestation of biphobia. Internalizing the monosexist messagescan have negative effects. There are enough barriers in my dating life as a bi person. I don’t need to add to them by allowing this rhetoric to influence my love life.

In the end, I just won’t put percentages on my sexuality because I’m not 50% straight or 50% gay – I’m 100% bisexual. I want to be able to experience my bisexuality, organically, without any inhibitions, without worrying about how some people might perceive me due to my being with this or that potential partner. It’s my love life, not theirs. I’m still bisexual no matter whom I am dating and no matter how I act.

Proud to be bisexual.  Proud to be me. Words for @bidotorg. Also check out @aconnormanning video on this.

[dave-dandelions]

[dave-dandelions]

Ode to Her

I found myself in love, lost in your hands and your smile.

I found myself by your side, without hesitation or denial.

I found myself accepted with no need to chase affection.

I found myself unwanting, unneeding of others desire.

I found myself in familiar places, weekends in bed, no regrets.

I found myself in passion, faint reminders of your touch luring me.

I found myself smiling and laughing, loving to be around you.

I found myself in sadness and longing when you could not be found.

I found myself happy, not content but surely satisfied

I found myself in love and this I cannot deny

I found myself with you

[dave-dandelions]

John Key doesn’t care about rape victims (he doesn’t much care about women and children at all)

Splashy title, I know. Let’s break it down a little. Tuesday November 10, 2015 - John Key shouts across parliament that Andrew Little, leader of the opposition party, is supporting rapists, child molesters and murderers over the rights of other New Zealanders by questioning the government’s inaction over the Christmas Island human rights violations. Keep this in mind, would you? We’re going to come back to it later. 

November 2008 - National becomes the governing party of New Zealand, with John Key as its leader. 2009 - The Taskforce for Action on Sexual Violence (established under the Labour government in 2007) recommends a drastic increase to the funding of the specialist sexual violence sector. The National government responds by cutting funding to this sector.

National resolves to decrease spending by ACC by $2 billion. Much of this is achieved by cutting funding to emergency services supporting victims of rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. This includes counseling services for survivors.

‘Double Bunking’ is introduced in prisons, despite overwhelming evidence that this leads to an increase in rape and sexual assault between prisoners.

National cuts funding to HELP, and they are forced to lay off staff and drastically reduce their emergency support services to victims of rape and sexual abuse.

2011 - National cuts funding for the Women’s Refuge by $800,000. The Family Violence Fund is established, however it is only accessible for the establishment of new social programs, not for existing ones or day-to-day expenses.

Further ACC funding cuts result in reduced counseling available for survivors of rape and sexual abuse.

Rape Prevention Education Auckland, Counselling Services Centre in Counties-Manukau, and Auckland Sexual Abuse Help all announce they are unable to cope with the volume of requests since funding cuts in 2009.

The Human Rights Commission releases a report stating that NZ prison conditions violate human rights, and that crowding and ‘double bunking’ are leading to increased cases of rape and sexual assault between prisoners. No actions are taken to remedy this.

Minister for Social Development Paula Bennet announces she will be scheduling some meetings to deal with these issues, but no increases to funding are announced, and the issue seems to slide back under the rug.

John Key defends his decision to be interviewed by convicted domestic abuser Tony Veitch, saying that his “history” was not his concern. During the interview he made a “wishlist” of the female celebrities he found attractive.

2012 - Hawera Rape Crisis is forced to close due to lack of funding. 

Auckland HELP is forced to run a public campaign in order to keep their services going. 

Wellington Rape Crisis is forced to close their doors for one day a week in order to remain financially solvent. 

Rape Crisis centers across the country announce they are desperately underfunded, running on shoestring budgets, and having to cut services in order to stay afloat.

More “restructuring” of ACC leads to a loss of over $6 million in funding to rape prevention services. The HELP Foundation loses a further $200,000 in funding.

Maori sexual assault services are reduced to just two providers nationwide.

Abuse and Rape Crisis Support is forced to reduce its counseling hours due to funding cuts.  Manager Anne Kent says the group is now largely reliant on public donations.

2013 - The police diversion scheme is changed, so that donations are no longer accepted as a condition of diversion. This is done to avoid the inconvenience and costs of court appearances and paperwork. This results in a massive loss of donations to organizations such as Women’s Refuge and Rape Crisis. No changes in government funding are made to compensate for this.

Christchurch’s only Rape Crisis center is forced to close after being turned down for government funding. A mere $30,000 would have kept them going. 

Despite public support, HELP is forced to close their Auckland 24-hour crisis phone line due to lack of funding. Before closing, they dealt with around 250 calls a week. 

Palmerston North Women’s Refuge announces that their safe house is at capacity almost every night, with enough calls to run another safe house also at capacity. They announce the service is increasingly difficult to run due to lack of funding.

Sexual violence agencies across the country announce victims are being forced to wait up to three months to access services such as counseling, stating their funding is stretched to the breaking point. 

John Key responds to the actions of the Roast Busters group (a group of young men who drugged and gang raped children as young as thirteen, and posted pictures of the acts online), saying they should, “Just grow up.”

2014 - Election Year! National introduces a variety of measures to reduce domestic violence, but does so without consulting any of the organizations set up to help victims. Many of the measures are criticized as being ineffective, and largely a smoke screen to cover how appallingly underfunded this area is. Women’s Refuge chief executive Heather Henare expresses concern that the measures only cater to the 18% of domestic violence cases which are reported, leaving more than 80% of the country’s victims without help. 

Labour proposes a plan which focuses on prevention, community outreach, and justice reform, which includes an investment of an extra $60 million in funding to family and sexual violence services. They do this after heavily consulting with services such as Women’s Refuge. Key declines to comment on this, however makes fun of Labour leader David Cunliffe for starting his speech by saying he’s embarrassed to be a man, and makes a weird analogy about a rugby club.

The National budget includes an increase in funding to sexual violence services of $10.4 million over the next two years. Although this is much needed, it comes five years after the Taskforce for Action on Sexual Violence first recommended a funding increase. Five years of drastic funding cuts in which many providers were forced to lay off staff, reduce services or close down altogether.

This $10.4 million is less than the yearly budget for ministerial travel. It is one third of what National spent bailing out Rio Tinto. It’s almost a third of what we’re spending to talk about replacing our flag with another flag that most of the country hates. 

The government shows support for accused rapist and Malaysian diplomat  Muhammad Rizalman, allowing him to return to Malaysia without trial. Eventually, when media pressure becomes too great, Key finally expresses outrage over the situation, and requests he be returned to NZ, but only after long months of silence.

Key promotes National MP Mike Sabin to the position of Chair of the Law and Order Committee at the same time he is under investigation for the sexual assault of minors.

The Manawatu Women’s Refuge is forced to close one of their safe houses, opened only a few months previous due to increased demand, because of lack of funding.

Wellington Rape Crisis manager Eleanor Butterworth announces that although 20% of staff hours are spent on funding applications, they are still running on a deficit of up to $100,000 a year.

Rape Crisis centers across the country once again announce they are on the verge of closing down due to increased demand and lack of funding.

John Key makes a joke about convicted murderer and pedophile Phillip John Smith’s escape from prison. 

2015 - John Key is accused of bullying and harassment by a waitress, who claims he repeatedly touched her hair, pulling on her ponytail, despite her asking him several times to stop. Videos emerge of him touching the hair of young girls without their permission. Although not a criminal offense, most of the country agrees this is pretty creepy behaviour, and shows a lack of respect for others’ personal boundaries.

John Key shouts across parliament that Andrew Little, leader of the opposition party, is supporting rapists, child molesters and murderers over the rights of other New Zealanders by questioning the government’s inaction over the Christmas Island human rights violations. Speaker of the House and National party politician David Carter refuses to order an apology from Key, and about half of Labour’s MPs walk out. Key refuses to retract his statement, or apologise. 

The following day around a dozen MPs, mostly women, mostly from Labour and Greens, staged a walk-out. 

One by one, each of them stand and try to tell their stories about their experiences with sexual assault, and to explain why they were hurt and offended by John Key’s comments. One by one they are silenced, and thrown out. I’m just gonna say that again, a little louder, for all you people in the back. 

One by one, each of them stand and try to tell their stories about their experiences with sexual assault, and to explain why they were hurt and offended by John Key’s comments. One by one they are silenced, and thrown out.

David Carter and John Key actively silenced the voices of survivors of rape and sexual assault. David Carter interrupted, cut off their microphones, and eventually threw them out of the House. 

Key still refuses to apologize, and stands by his statements. 

A man who won’t do anything about human rights abuses because he claims to be so concerned for the victims of rape and sexual assault is unwilling to listen to the very people he’s apparently protecting. 

John Key and his buddies don’t care about survivors. They want us to shut up. When we won’t shut up, they want to treat us as hysterical and unreasonable. They want to use our trauma as a tool to avoid answering to valid criticisms from the opposition, but they’ve done less than nothing to help any of us when we needed it. Since coming into power, they have continually cut funding to the services we need, and ignored our cries for help. They throw us the occasional, election-year bone, and expect us to be so grateful that we won’t speak up when they try to use us as nothing more than fodder for PR stunts.

NZ. Get mad. Write letters ( speakers.office@parliament.govt.nz,  david.carter@parliament.govt.nz) . Support the MPs who walked out. Sign this petition calling on Key to apologize, and fully fund the sexual violence sector: http://www.actionstation.org.nz/saysorryjohn Donate to your local Women’s Refuge and Rape Crisis if you can afford it. 

For fuck’s sake vote this motherfucker out in 2017.

Keep reading

[dave-dandelions]

Disadvantages of losing sleep

Fatigue

That weird cold but sweaty feeling

groggy mid day naps

existential thoughts 

[dave-dandelions]

Faith

They say the first week of a new job is the hardest, but for me it was more like six months.

When I took a job at my old school I wasn’t sure what to expect. Sure I had six years there, I knew the halls and all the walls well, but those six years did little to fulfil the promise they made to prepare me for what was to come. Nothing can really prepare you  for your first step into adulthood.

This place is the same but different somehow, smaller. Literally. The walls that once felt so restraining and certain now offer little in the way of protection. Life’s a roller coaster; one day you're managing a suicide case, the next a drug suspension. Miracles and oddities are something of commodity around here. Everyday is something new and challenging and sometimes its a bit too much.

One thing that hasn’t changed though is the smell; a weird mix of musty incense and church that permeates out of every wall, sticking to shirts and blazers until you to become one with its scent. Its that kind of smell that reminds you what purpose a place like this once served. I think it rubs off on people as well, it makes them rigid... proper. Prolonged exposure seems to bring on extra time in the chapel, but that's not really my place to judge. Oddly I take a lot of comfort knowing that this fact remains constant.

Chapel musk aside though, the whole place just feels old. Most of the walls are hard, grey concrete, the carpets a well worn, greeny-yellowy hew; bookshelves lined with outdated pamphlets, murals of saints line the walls with crucifixes. Further down old memories hang in hallways, brothers in arms, young lives lost to the wars of older men. It’s hard not to walk these halls and feel… something.

A lot of people are counting on me to help these boys, a lot of tradition rests on their shoulders and mine. I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully comfortable here, but I know what I’m doing matters. Maybe that's enough

[dave-dandelions]

I just called to say I love you, but I could never say goodbye, reaching for conversation in the early hours of the morning.

[dave-dandelions]

‘I really don't feel comfortable in mediocrity, yet my lifestyle seems to reflect otherwise.’

[dave-dandelions]

Your Suffering is valid

We have all felt valuable at some point in our life. We all suffer from time to time. 

Like many before me, I valued suffering. My inner struggles marked growth, they shaped me and made me stronger. They filled me with motivation, they inspired others. At least that's what I thought. Struggle makes us stronger. We all struggle. We all suffer.

What right do I have to complain?

‘My struggles made me stronger’ I boast, wearing my pain like a badge. A badge of adulthood I thought. A badge I would use to discredit others around me.

“You don’t know my struggle”

“My life was hard, I had it rough”

These are the words of my parents, my mum in fact, now competing with me in suffering.

Her words minimized my life; each one discredited me, each one cut me down inside until I felt guilty. How could I know what real pain is?  She knows it so well.. But underneath entitlement came fear, and a sharp knife of regret

“You think I’m a bad Mother?”

-

This is what we teach our Children; we teach them to hide their problems, we teach them to suffer in silence, and we teach them young.

Most of all, we teach them they are not valid.  

Modesty, we say, is a real hero trait. Be humble. Know your place. Harden up.

You’re not as good as me.

These thoughts are toxic; disingenuous thoughts about personal worth through struggle; strength with no weakness. And as we lie to ourselves and tell people we are okay, a graveyard grows inside us where gardens once lay. Walls become a fortresses that keep others out, fear drives that reality forward. Fear that we are not good enough, that our struggles are not valid.

Thoughts of some unachievable martyrdom, a worthy victim of circumstance. That ‘worth’ is the problem here  

-

“Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you, we are all meant to shine as children do” - Marianne Williamson

Our greatest strength is admitting weakness; finding the power to make ourselves vulnerable, and address our problems brings out our true strength. That's how I feel; our burdens create barriers in our lives, they weigh us down, keeps us from reaching any form of height in our lives.

I know because I am privileged, I meet brave people everyday.

As a counselor I meet people of all walks of life. Real people, vulnerable people. They could be there because their cat died or their best friend committed suicide, neither is any more or less justified than the other. Both are vulnerable.

They cry, they cry a lot. They unpack a world full of chaos, they lay their dreams at my feet, and I do my best to tread carefully. I hold their hand as they pick up the pieces of their life, as they enter dark places and find hope; to me they are true heros.

For many of them life will never be the same again. It took so much strength just to be here with me, I would never value any of them any less, because they manage something that so many of us fail to do.

They take care of themselves.

And I hope you all will as well

Mad Love

-David

[dave-dandelions]

“I find it hard, its hard to find,  oh well, whatever, nevermind”