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daughterofsohoriots · 6 years ago

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'cause whenever I close my eyes (I'm chasing your tail lights)

It took Kara a while to figure out that something was wrong with Lena but even then, Kara put the blame on Lex’s death - Lena was grieving. It took Lena to flinch at one of their hugs to Kara to realize that whatever was wrong, it was not because of Lex, at least it was not only because of him but also because of herself. When Kara finally addressed the huge elephant in the room, it only took the look of betrayal on Lena’s eyes to Kara to understand - Lena had found out the truth (and by someone else’s mouth).

It’s just another trivial night where Kara can’t sleep. By now, she is used to the sleepless nights. During the day, she is always busy between her two jobs, so it’s easier to pretend that there is not a huge gap in her life. But when the night comes, she lets herself to ruminate about Lena and her brain relishes on that freedom: her tireless brain keeps running laps between so many memories of Lena - the meals they shared, the laughs and the confidences, the lingering touches, the half-words that meant full promises, and the hugs. Oh Rao, the hugs! She misses more than everything to have Lena in her arms, even if it was just for a millisecond. A millisecond where she could close her eyes and forget the whole world, rules and expectations, and just be Kara who was holding the woman she loved above everything else. She also misses the increasing fierceness of Lena’s hugs (she remembers how it used to be in the beginning, like Lena’s was not used to it, like she was testing the waters and finally, finally had decided that Kara was safe, that she was worthy).

Her mind is so tangled in all the things that she misses about Lena that it takes her a little to understand that her phone is ringing. When Kara grabs it, she almost drops it when it shows ‘Lena Luthor’ on the screen. It feels like forever since she heard Lena’s voice, and her heart is pumping so fast and so hard that she can’t hear or feel anything else. When she finally picks up, she is greeted with:

“Once you told me that I shouldn’t ask for your real name because it was something a Luthor didn’t deserve, that we hadn’t the right to ask that to your family,” Lena starts, “By now me and Kara, we, already knew each other for some time. It was my name the reason you couldn’t trust me? Because I am just a Luthor?”

“No, of course not,” Kara tries to say but there is so much to say, to explain, to beg, so many emotions and stupid rationalizations, that her tongue feels heavy and the words she practices almost every day vanish from her brain, “you are much more than just a Luthor to me. You mean so many different things to me, Lena, and your name was never part of it.”

“So it was just being me that made me unworthy of your trust?” Lena retaliates.

“It was never a question of trust,” Kara tries to explain, “well, maybe in the beginning, but it took so little for me to trust you. You were nothing like I expected you to be, you were so kind and honest that I couldn’t stop coming back for more. It was the easiest simplest thing to become your friend.”

Kara takes a deep breath and she waits for something, for a reply. When it never comes, she continues.

“You became such a core part of my life so quickly. You were the only one I could be just Kara with. This doesn’t mean I didn’t want to tell you. I almost told you when we were coming back from Kaznia, I took my glasses off and I was just waiting for you to turn around.”

“Why didn’t you?” Lena asks, skepticism molding her voice.

“Because I knew I would lose you and I didn’t want to be another person who had hurt you, who had broken your trust,” there is a trembling in her voice that Kara can’t control, “In the end, the mere thought of losing your friendship turn me into a selfish coward.”

Kara doesn’t get an answer but she hopes her explanation was good enough for tonight.

...

Kara waits for another call. Or a mail. Or for some smoke signals. But there is only silence, for days, for weeks.

…

Kara is almost ready to say screw this and to stalk Lena or to cuff herself to her friend until she gets the forgiveness she needs, until she gets her best friend back. But Lena needs time and space and so that is what Kara is trying (really, really hard) to give to her. But in the end, even with all the distance and the silence, they are still so connected because almost like Lena could read her mind, she calls.

“Why did you become my friend? It was the easiest way for you to spy me? To declare me as a threat or as harmless?” Lena asks.

“It was never because of it,” Kara simply says, ”even when everyone warned me about you, all I could think was that I wanted you in my life. You saw me”

Kara more than hear can feel Lena’s scoff.

“Well, apparently, I really didn’t see you.”

It hurts more than Kara can admit, Lena’s jab.

“No, listen to me, Lena”, she begs, “you saw me, you saw everything I was trying to be. I was so lost before that first meeting but then there were you, so blunt and bold and beautiful, and you took my breath away. You moved my world from its axis. I found myself when I found you, when you found me.”

There are tears in her eyes but Kara is so tired of pretending to be okay. Sometimes it feels like there is an anchor pushing her down and that weight is too heavy even for her kryptonian physiology.

“Lena,” she says her name like a prayer, like the magic world to paradise, “I miss you.”

All she hears is silence.

...

Like everything else in their friendship, they easily fall on a routine. Once a week, Lena calls her at night, probably when she gets home after working too hard for too many hours. Sometimes Kara pictures her on the sofa with her legs folded underneath her and a glass of red wine at her disposition. Other times she pictures Lena in bed, lying under the sheets, with her eyes closed and her phone pressed tightly against her hear. The thought that she is the last thing on Lena’s mind before sleep comforts Kara.

…

This time it is not Lena calling her, but the other way around. There are days when everything sucks: your skin is too tight, people’s voices are too loud, their opinions too vicious, you feel alone in a room full of people, you feel stuck. Kara feels like flying and flying and flying until she forgets everything until she stops feeling.

She hopes Lena picks up but she doesn’t expect it.

“Hello?” she hears Lena’s voice and she can’t take it anymore. Her breath comes in violent waves, she feels heavy, the light is too harmful. She loses contact with reality. She is drowning in perfect excuses and lies and a disciplined dichotomy between feeling and being steady, perfect, a hero.

“Is everything okay?” Lena’s murmur reverberates in her blood like it is a thunder “Kara, please, talk to me.”

The worry she can hear in Lena’s voice intoxicates her like a chanting of she still cares but there is another part, quieter but relentless, that burns and marks her skin with vile words and doubt and fear: she doesn’t care about me, she cares about being right, she cares about her pride. Lena must be able to hear the ragged breaths that are leaving Kara’s body, because she keeps repeating Hold on to my voice, like that is not what she is been doing for the last weeks, like a starving woman surviving with some crumbs.

“Everything is going to be fine,” Lena says. And Kara loses it.

“Is it? Can you promise me that, Lena?” she can feel the dam that keeps her emotions controlled break and she can’t do nothing to stop it, “How can you say that when you are keeping me at miles? When you call me and you get just enough to convince yourself of something and then you leave me again?”

The tears start to fall once again, violently, and she can’t stop them even if she wanted it. She wants to feel and destroy and scream and to run away. She wants Lena to understand how shattered she is and maybe she wants hurt Lena just a little, to see if her pristine façade stands.

“You keep coming back and then leaving and every second in between, I wonder if you are going to call again!” She screams. She breaks. She hangs up for the first time.

…

The next day, Kara texts her an I am sorry.

…

“I am scared that when I see you again, all I will feel is mistrust and pain”, she hears Lena whispering, “that I will doubt every word and that I will replay your every move at night searching for a sign of deception and that it will always be a whisper in the back of my mind saying that you are lying to me... again.”

Kara’s heart breaks over again (like it was not already in minuscule bits scattered around). Through all those weeks, she had kept an optimistic view of the whole situation: she and Lena would be okay, nothing could break them apart for good. But now hearing Lena’s hesitation and fear, suddenly she couldn’t stop wondering - what if it was over? She couldn’t (and wouldn’t) accept a reality where Lena didn’t believe her friendship, her devotion, her love.

“But then I think about all the times you saved me,” Lena whimpers quietly and takes a deep breath as if gathering courage, “all the times you stood up for me, all the times you chose me and, just for a moment, I let myself to believe you, and I feel whole again, because your love is everything to me.”

There is a sad chuckle that accompanies Lena’s words. It’s the saddest sound Kara ever heard.

“I am scared, Kara,” she continues, “and how I am supposed to not feel like this when you were the one who made me feel safe in the first place?”

…

There are nights where Lena calls her to talk about some scientific article. Other nights to badmouth some asshole executive. Both pretend that they aren’t just poor excuses.

Tonight they talk for hours. When Kara goes quiet, Lena asks:

“Are you still there?”

“Always,” Kara answers.

And it almost feels like everything is back to normalcy. No, Kara corrects herself, it feels like coming home.

…

“I think I am ready,” is the first thing Lena says when Kara picks up.

“Ready?” Kara inquires.

“To see you.”

…

It’s been months since Kara had Lena in front of her eyes. And it takes all of her willpower to stop herself from running to Lena and gather her in her arms. Lena is beautiful as always, composed and brilliant and so much more than anyone should ever be able to. When Lena’s eyes find her across the busy restaurant there is a moment of hesitation. And Kara’s world trembles.

But then Lena smiles. And Kara knows everything will be fine. They are going to be alright because in the end, they are stronger together even if they are a Luthor and a Super.

#supercorp #warning: my first fic ever #my english is getting rusty #and because apparently supercorp runs my brain like a freaking pimp #i wrote this #tag: shit i do

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