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Blog #3 - PB & G (5/31)

Let me just start by saying, I really thought I liked the smell of peanut butter.

You see, today was the last day I would get to see my new friends (or at least to UWB’s knowledge since I’m still going to volunteer until the end of the school year). I told myself I wanted to write about this experience as if it was my last day, but at this point I think I’m about to only talk about Gabe’s session, so what’s the point?

Although Gabe had a less than stellar performance with his friends the first time around, the second time wasn’t so bad. Maybe it was because he listened and only brought one friend, but nonetheless I was inclined to allow him to bring a friend again.

In walked Gabe and Gabbie. Was it wrong to assume he would would bring a boy friend? Maybe, but I mean boys and girls can totally be friends, or so says my childhood. 

I was definitely excited to meet her. But that’s when the waft of nuts hit me...sorry, sorry, peanut butter hit me. This girl was holding her lunch in her hand: a peanut butter sandwich. At first, I did okay. I mean, I didn’t know if she was supposed to bring food into Mr. Robb’s office. Still, she’d take a bite, the smell would grow for a minute, but everything would eventually be fine. However, around half way through her sandwich, maybe a little more, she thought she heard me say a bad word (dick). She then presumed to stand up, take her sandwich, and place it in front of her pelvic area (yes, she was creating a peanut butter sandwich penis). Although I was happy to see her and Gabe burst out in laughter, I was less than impressed by her maturity. I know she’s a child, a second grader, but things like that really shouldn’t be done in front of an adult if you don’t want to get in trouble. But then the same question hit me: am I just the friend? Is she not scared of me the way she would be a staff member and that’s why she feels comfortable doing this? We quickly resumed our game, only for the office ladies to come by and remind both children to keep it down. While I turned my head around to grab the box for the game we were putting away, Gabbie found my phone and snatched it. She held it in my face and said she was going to send bad messages to all the people I knew. Of course, I held out my hand and told her she needed to give it back immediately, but the fact that she would even do something so rude in the first place made me more infuriated.  With this anger came the smell of peanut butter again, more intense than before. So, I let the kids leave five minutes early so they could enjoy a little time out at recess together. So yeah, I hate to say it, but I think Gabbie ruined peanut butter for me. I imagine that being a teacher might cause things like this to happen, where a bad experience with a student might ruin an activity or something. Part of it makes me not want to be a teacher, and just opt to become someone more involved with the law aspect of education. Either way, even though it wasn’t the best day, I’m just glad I got the chance to meet someone new, even if I didn’t like them all that much. By the way, is that bad? I feel like I’m not supposed to like every kid, although for the most part I do. But sometimes certain kids just don’t meet our expectations and don’t even meet our low expectations. As long as I don’t treat them as if I don’t like them, does that mean it’s okay to not like them? Or will it end up showing in little ways that maybe I don’t like them as much as the others? I don’t want to be a teacher that teaches a student as if they are broken or rotten because that honestly doesn’t help anyone, so understanding whether or not I can separate my dislike of a student from my teaching would be an excellent thing to figure out.  

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Blog #2 - How Far is Too Far (5/10)

I’d like to think that being a peer mentor is fun and easy--I show up, play some games with some cool children, and I’m being helpful by creating a positive connection between the students and school, and the students and others. Nothing that I haven’t done before (to some extent anyways).

Today made me rethink that.

Because Mr. Robb was out at a meeting, he allowed my students and I to sit in his office. Today was the second time I allowed Hayden to invite a friend to our peer mentoring session and the first time I allowed Gabe to bring a friend. Thing is, Gabe brought two friends, and I thought that would be fine because it meant we could play something like Hedbanz more successfully. Unfortunately, Mr. Robb’s office had no door, so I was constantly worried about the boys making too much noise. I tried my best to ask them to be quieter and use inside voices, but at the end of the day, it didn’t seem like they cared to listen.

Honestly, it felt like I was seeing a whole new side of Gabe. Originally he was just energetic, maybe a little goofy at times. All in all, he was still polite and respectful. But his friends made him 10x more energetic and 10x more goofy to the point where the office ladies next door had to walk into the room and tell them to be quiet because they didn’t understand when it came from me. They still didn’t change their behavior much, but I could tell that when I said it only Gabe really listened, and when the office ladies said it, everyone listened and apologized. Like I said, quiet talk only lasted for around 30 seconds, but it was a bigger response than what I got.

I want to be in control and make sure these kids listen, but it’s a different experience from doing so at my work. You see, I wasn’t given power as an authority, as a staff member, I was given the power of “the friend.”

The power of the friend makes me happy to facilitate other’s joy.

The power of the friend makes me feel like I’m suggesting behavior rather than trying to enforce it.

The power of the friend makes me feel like I can’t speak up as loudly as I would as an authority.

The power of the friend makes me feel embarrassed when other adults comment on the environment I allowed to occur.

Personally, I think the problem is I don’t know Gabe’s friends and they don’t know me, and on top of that I’ve only known Gabe for a month... It doesn’t feel like I have the place to say “Guys, you need to listen and quiet down. You’re being too loud and you’re being disrespectful to all the other people who work in this area.” Maybe I shouldn’t feel like that, but I have to say, telling the girls to quiet down is a heck of a lot easier than the boys.

But that doesn’t mean this day got any easier.

You see, Hayden brought Evelynn again. It’s not that Evelynn isn’t a nice kid--it’s just that the way she is quirky isn’t the way you’d expect. Remember when I mentioned the girl who only wanted to play unicorns at recess? Yeah, this would be her.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed my time with her and Hayden the first session, so why would I not let her come back? We decided to play Hedbanz since it was already out from my time with Gabe, and soon moved over to the game Trouble. We were having a fun time from the looks of it, smiles on both their faces as we laughed about certain people having bad turns and such. But then Hayden mentioned something about rolling the die, to which Evelynn made a gesture of slashing her throat, and said “die...get it, like, die?” Hayden had the most uncomfortable expression I’ve ever seen, and I’m sure I did too. With hesitation, we awkwardly laughed and moved on.

But then throughout the rest of our time, Evelynn seemed to bring up suicide a little too much for my liking, so when they left and Mr. Robb came back, I had to have a word with him. I was stunned and had no idea what to do to address the sort of talk that Evelynn was engaging in.

I’m extremely proud of myself for stepping up and asking Mr. Robb about the situation, because normally I think I would’ve been too anxious to ask about it. I found out that one of Hayden’s friends had recently sent her a message about wanting to kill herself and she may have told Evelynn, but that Evelynn may not have understood the severity of the concept.

This got me thinking. Why does a fourth grader want to commit suicide? Is something wrong in their home life? Is it people at school? Is it the school itself? Is this why peer mentoring exists? Should I be worried that one of my students might think like this? Why does Hayden have to be exposed to a topic like this when she is only 10? Would it be important for me to talk about it with her?

I left the school wondering what my relationship with these kids really was and if it needed to go in a different direction for me to feel more successful as a mentor.

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Blog #1 - First Impressions (4/12)

Today was the first day I volunteered at Crystal Springs Elementary School. Luckily I got a chance to try something new in the realm of elementary school students with my CBLR (community-based learning and research). Instead of working with around 45 elementary school students like I do at my work, I got to do peer mentoring, which is more of a 1 on 1 sort of deal.

Anyway, as I was talking with my supervisor, Mrs. Pelto, I was informed that I would be working with a kindergarten named Michael, a second grader named Gabe, and a fourth grader named Hayden. Instantly my palms became sweaty as I had always been nervous when conversing with younger boys. Even at my work I have always struggled to find something to talk about with them, but I was hoping this experience might help me become better at that.  Michael was my first student. Mr. Robb, the vice principle, brought him over and introduced us. Immediately I could see the energy in this boy’s eyes which made me forget about the anxiety I was feeling. I brought him over to a table with many different games on it, to which Michael picked UNO. Of course like a lot of the other kindergartners I know, he didn’t know how to play the game correctly. I figured when it was time, someone would teach him how to play it correctly, so I let him play the way he wanted to play. Maybe this was partially because I was still nervous deep down and wanted him to like me, but I also knew that the way he wanted to play the game made enough sense that his creativity was admirable.  Do you think it’s my responsibility to teach him how to play the game correctly? Would he even listen to me if I tried? I can’t say I know for sure, but it’s something I ask myself all the time, even at work. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to make sure we both had fun. From all the laughing and high-fives, I’d like to think we did. Gabe was my second student. Honestly, Gabe seemed very shy at first. I was told not talk about his home life with him too much, so instead I opted for talking about video games while we played Legos. We designed our own castle together, where two tiny Lego men were to overlook the hilltops and prevent the Lego droid from stealing the crystal gems (which were really just clear Lego pieces we hid inside the castle). Just like Michael, I saw a sense of imagination in him. He also laughed a lot while we were hanging out, and he even sang the Bob the Builder theme song at one point.  After meeting both boys, I thought hanging with Hayden would be a piece of cake. Maybe I just assumed she would be energetic just like them, but I forgot to take into account that she needed help making friends. From that, one might deduct that she is more on the shy side, but I forgot.  Hayden was my third student. When she walked in, I found it weird that she wouldn’t look me in the eyes. She followed me to the table where we started a game of Jenga. Mrs. Pelto told me Hayden was a new student, and that she assigned her a peer-mentor to help her come out of her shell. I asked her about her move, and who she hangs out with at recess. She made her life seem somewhat lonely, even mentioning that she felt her parents loved her sister more than her. It had me concerned, but after the first game of Jenga, I could tell she was ready to come out of her shell completely. If you heard how loud she was laughing at me when I lost the first game, you would’ve thought she was dying. She mainly just kept referencing her family a lot, and she mentioned a girl she met in her class who only wanted to play unicorns at recess. In fourth grade, I can’t say that would be my first choice of play, and it didn’t look like it was Hayden’s either. But it sounded like it was the only person she had, and so when she left I started looking up ways make new friends so the next time I saw her I could give her some better advice.  Overall, it was a good day, but it caused me to reflect a lot on my life. You see, after moving in 6th grade, I never really had that many friends. Especially now in college, I can’t say I’ve tried super hard to make friends in class. The only person I really talk to and hang out with in person is my boyfriend. Maybe it isn’t the most ideal, but sometimes I get pretty lonely too. But it makes me wonder, am I really the right person to guide Hayden? Is looking up advice for her really going to help her if I can’t help her implement it at recess? I’m hoping over time I’ll be able to find a way to help her fit in and make new friends, but I’m scared that I can’t and I don’t want to let her down.