dapnae

[dapnae]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Алексей Семенов (@family_colin)

THIS IS TOO MUCH WHOLESOME IN A TINY BODY

[dapnae]

[dapnae]

[dapnae]

Cottage on an island near Nora, Sweden. Submitted by Jonas Loiske.

[dapnae]

[dapnae]

WOWZA HELLO !!!! i only ever come back here when im at a point in my life where i need to self reflect LMAO im sorry but also im a nobody 3:

first off it’s always weird signing on to tumblr. it was the first website that changed my life besides games like maplestory or audition. i logged a lot of memories, good and bad, artistic and sexual, happy and angry, on this site... simply from reblogging pictures and quotes. tumblr really made us all artsy emo bitches huh??? and i met so many people. i don’t talk to any of you anymore. we might follow each other on instagram and even that’s weird, because we seem so much more... like stable and normal citizens of america...... yeah, it’s just weird to think that i was a herby little asian tumblr girl who never liked to go out or socialize and lived on the internet. tumblr (and games) was my world from middle school to high school. but now the world is my world??? and i’m almost done with college now... time flies so fast.

SO the point of my reflection is exactly that actually. about time, about memories. do you ever feel like you’re not really living? and you’re scared one day you’ll just be old, and you’ll regret not getting more lit or being more beautiful or doing whatever the fuck better?

like... i’m sure this is a common fear. the fear that we aren’t living in the present and making the best out of it, right? but i feel like when i turn around and see the people around me, they seem content to me. they seem happy, while i’m worrying too much about whether the thing i’m doing or the person i’m with is making me happy.

i feel like i’m running out of time.

i have this habit of looking back at old snapchat videos/photos. and i always feel like when i look back, i think to myself, “wow, i look and sound really happy in this.” and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy and good looking back at these old snaps. but in that video/photo, i didn’t feel amazingly happy... i was just living, i guess. SO THEN WHAT IS IT??? am i actually happy right now? when i look back at a snap i took today in three months, will i be like WOW THIS WAS LIT when it wasn’t actually that lit?

and if im self conscious about this in the present... i don’t want to force myself to feel happy in that moment of time.

i don’t know, this just sounds dumb now that i write it out. i just feel like every moment is just slipping pass me, and i can’t tell if i’m taking it for granted and shouldn’t be worrying, or there’s actually something i can do to slow these minutes down and cherish every detail of the present.

it’s like i’ve become routine and numb to my own life.

MAYBE im just annoying af but i cant stop thinking about this. ive been thinking about it all year and... 2018 kinda sucked. it felt like it flew by in a blurry ass breeze. and i don’t want my life to feel that way. a blurry, suck ass year.

maybe i need to start changing things. maybe i need to start changing.

[dapnae]

i think i forget to stop worrying and then it just goes into a spiral.

bad days happen. and sometimes it’s not a bad day. sometimes i’m just overthinking it.

writing this to remind myself to breathe.

[dapnae]

the semester is almost over and i’ve decided to finally reflect on my life. i don’t really know where else to do it except here... i don’t keep a diary. when i used to be a lot more active, this place felt like home. i could do almost anything, ask people anything, talk about anything... until a lot of negative things pushed me away from tumblr. but it always feel good to write here, even if no one reads this. even if no one gives a shit about me anymore here. even if it was just 5 people before and zero people now. i loved this wide, wide world. i’m still really grateful.

so, here i am. entering my junior year of college after this semester is over. the stress of finding internship and job opportunities started to loom over my head this year. at first, it was just a small worry.... but from january until now, it’s been like an annoying, poisoning cloud, just bugging me in the back of my mind, constantly there, constantly making me feel this guilt. like i’m not good enough. that i won’t ever find anything. that i’m not trying hard enough. and that part, at least, is true.

i didn’t really know how privileged i was until i came to college. people would ask me how much i got in financial aid, and most of the people i met told me “damn, you don’t need any. you got money like that, huh?” i didn’t really feel that sink in until recently. i do live a good life. i have my own apartment. i get things when i want them. i buy new clothes, new games, new gifts, and it doesn’t come out of my pocket. i’m a fucking brat. and i feel really bad. so i really want to work hard, now. i fixed up my resume, and i applied to a bunch of places... but it’s looking bleak again. i think i started too late into the year. and now i feel like i’m going to slip back into a sulking, lazy mess again. i’m still fighting, though. 

i quit smoking. i’m trying to drink less often. i think it’ll help me with building motivation towards my careers, and i want to take better care of my body. i’m tired of feeling tired out all the time.

basically i want to get my shit together. and i say this all the time, and people say this all the time... that they want to get their shit together. but i’m really tired this time, of not getting my shit together. i want to be someone. i want to do something.

and all the same time, i have people telling my to stop worrying and just enjoy the youth i’m in now. i met this girl who works at nintendo a week ago, and she was pep talking me about how i shouldn’t worry, how i should really live every day for the present, but she works at nintendo... would she be saying something different if she was struggling? if she wasn’t hard working enough, or blessed enough, to be working there?

and am i too worried about the future all the time? i think i am when it comes to my relationship. i always think too far into the future, and problems that could happen... even though no problems are happening. i think, “maybe he’ll get sick of me.” or “maybe he’ll cheat on me.” or “maybe he’ll find someone better, smarter. prettier.”

i always worry about these things. and it eats away at me.

but i love him. i really do. he is the sweetest, and this is my longest relationship. sometimes i think i’m too boring for him, which is my main worry, but i want to just trust him and trust his feelings.

i want to start learning how to say “fuck it.” i want to start being more confident. i want to stop worrying about every little thing, all the little things, all the fucking time.

but i also want to work harder. i’m tired of just doing whatever the fuck i want. i want to build something up for myself.

and i want to stop being all talk.

so, fuck it... here i go. let me try, and keep trying.

[dapnae]

poncotsu_mor | 加藤さんピックアップください

[dapnae]

[dapnae]

Une femme mariée, 1964

[dapnae]

i get so nervous around you. i wish that conversation could come to me more easily. this hasn’t happened to me since middle school... feeling awkward.

i don’t know how to open things up faster. are we going too slow? are we just incompatible? i don’t know. i don’t wanna lose you. but i don’t want to pull too fast. push too hard. i want to find a balance, but i want this balance to be exciting too.

i usually don’t shut up but the sight of you makes me so quiet. a little speechless. i think about how good you are for me every day. too good for me. too pure.

i don’t deserve you.

but i’ll try my best to become a person that does. as close as i can.

exciting times are ahead.

[dapnae]

[dapnae]

Everyone checks in at dusk

[dapnae]

[dapnae]

yoo

wow i havent been on here in so long

the summer is over. i have one more week till i move into my new apartment and start my second year of college.

i have so much i want to write about.

my first year at college...

it was wild. it was fun. extremely fast paced. i did crazy things and i met great people. i explored beautiful places, ugly places, dark places, surprising places. tried different substances and questioned reality. sober and questioned reality. nothing really bad happened to me... nothing too deep, nothing too dark. can’t tell if that’s because i refused to face anything “scary” or if i’m just “faking it till i make it” - trying to be lighthearted to actually be lighthearted, if that makes sense. that in itself may be the huge problem. i feel like im running away from some core problem i have with myself. and i don’t know if i want to confront it. or if i’m making it up in my head... i don’t know. don’t really want to know.

i realized that in terms of grades, i really need to get my shit together. i also compared myself to so many more people, because there were that many more people to be compared to.

how i view myself now...

being in new york, i felt a lot more smaller. a lot more insignificant. there were a lot more pretty girls. successful girls. pretty and successful girls. prettier than me. smarter than me. and these thoughts are so petty but don’t we all have these thoughts anyways?

this girl’s bayalage. this girl’s eyelashes. her makeup. her body. her clothing. i’m constantly seeing people i know or know of and go, “wow, they sure are pretty. prettier than me. glowing more than me.”

 i feel like im lacking everywhere. in terms of looks. and thus in confidence, too. you don’t need to look any way to have confidence. but it makes sense to me. and it’s something i value... fashion, beauty, aesthetics. since i’ve been to the city, so many people have pointed out that i look 12. i hate it. and i can change some part of it. i don’t want to look 12 anymore. or dress like it anymore, lmao. i want this change to happen faster. i have to work harder.

what my summer has isolated me with..

the annoyance of my dad. every day. i can’t be around him or else he sees me and that alone is just a trigger for him to go off and pick on me. my brother has told both of them to stop. my mom has but... i really can’t handle hearing my dad talk at all. not saying im in a rough spot but... this is just mentally annoying for me. but when i go away next week, it’ll be solved i guess. it’s just disappointing to be reminded that he’s like this.

how lonely i can be. i want to be more social and make more friends. close friends, good friends. not just numbers. and i want to improve the relationships now. i’m sick of trying to not care about people. i want to care more about people who deserve it. they don’t need to do the same, but yeah. some of my friends are precious, and sometimes i just feel like i’m a little lazy shit.

how uncomfortable i am with myself. don’t even know where to start with this, except that i’m trying to be better at it. to be just by myself. no phone. no distractions... just mindfulness. trying to meditate more.

i was really feeling like writing a lot a few minutes ago, but i’m a bit more peaceful now. it was a good idea writing though. i want to do it more.

if you read this, thanks for reading. good night. :)

[dapnae]

中平先生の漫画大好きです