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I'm back on here--it has been a while.

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truths/confessions

Today I am going to be honest with myself.  I have been lying about who I am for years—I had the hubris to believe that I actually accept things in past for what they are and have moved on.  I believed that I was being honest with other people about who I am. Best yet, I had the audacity to tell myself that I honestly think people like me.

Well, these last two semesters popped that bubble.  I’ll describe it this way: it’s like a dressed wound that never got taken care of, but you think it’s fine; until, you start ripping the bandages off and the puss, filth, and blood start streaming out of your body—that has been my life for the past 8 months.  It all started because I was interested in someone in the fall.  I had shied away from this sort of thing for… 3 years? In the past, I had been hurt, but I thought I had overcome those traumas—wrong!

Goddamn! I’ve never felt so stupid as when I fell into the same old habits, stupid decisions, and methods of self-deprecation.  Recently, I did it again—oh well, I’m a stupid shit. However, around November, I began experiencing what I would call my dark night of the soul (I used to be religious/into mysticism). The pain I felt as a kid growing up and going onto visitation with my dad could only match the intense fucking loneliness that I felt.  It was in this moment that I should have had an epiphany, but I didn’t. No that came recently.

I met someone recently who finally ripped the whole fucking bandage off and probably doesn’t know it.  I’ll use the words that Phil Bozeman uses in Diggs Road, “Time doesn’t heal a thing.”  Cliché, but true.  I’m still the broken kid that had a father who cursed him to his face; I still have brothers who hate me; I still, still don’t trust anyone; I’m still the kid who cried himself to sleep most of his childhood; and I still try to please people instead of trying to be myself—maybe my academic/philosophic paths have been obvious to those who have guided me, but I still never tell anyone outside of that community know what I really think. 

In the end, I think my tattoo on my calf describes me better then the one on my shin, and the ironic thing is that I really thought I had begun to accept myself for who I am—I haven’t even started doing that. 

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Why is it that when drums are played live, they sound so good, but with it all miced up, there is so much overtones and unpleasant sounds

AHAAA - the question of questions. Well think about this - when you are listening to live drums do you have your ear right up next to every drum and cymbal at the same exact time? Or are you hearing you’re ear’s composite of all the different drums through he environment and from the distance and angle you’re sitting or standing at ?

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This is a movie I made in Prague during my trial. I filmed the footage with a Canon EOS 60D, edited it with Final Cut Pro X, and wrote the music using Reason. I wanted to release a slightly different version of the film right before my judgement was rendered by the court (the very last shot in this version was not there until after I was pronounced innocent). My idea was to show my mind set through film and music during the process of my trial, and have a more ambiguous ending heading into my final day in court. I did not know what was going to happen to me, only that I felt I was doing the right thing by being there. Working in a creative capacity during the trial helped me to remain calm- it is what I know how to do, so I wanted to share it with people. I showed the clip to my lawyer and he advised against releasing it until after the trial was over, thinking the authorities might not understand what I was trying to say with the movie. It is all over now, so here is my poor attempt to try and create art in a time of great personal uncertainty.

Note- the Devil plays an important part in Czech fairy tales, and marionettes are a bit of Czech folk culture I came to love while I was there- the marionette hangs in my study now. The Devil is different in Czech fairy tales though, to my understanding- the puppet is representative of me, the way I viewed myself, the way I was viewed by society at different times- all sorts of things. It is not representative of evil- just wanted to clarify that.

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Practicing the lonely art on a rainy afternoon. Worcester, Mass, 6.18.13

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Hilarious MICHIGAN DEATH FEST 1990 Local News Reports

Death metal didn’t have the recognition it does know, so when the Michigan Death Fest was announced in 1990, with now-legendary bands like Morbid Angel and Death, locals were freaking out that a satanism convention was coming to town. Here is a compilation of local news reports at the time.

Click here for more

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Me in front of the world’s largest praying hands, in front of Oral Roberts University, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oral Roberts was my FAVORITE televangelist. He made all sorts of wacky claims, including being able to RAISE THE DEAD, and of course, the infamous 900 FOOT TALL JESUS who came to him in a vision. (he also later saw a 640 foot Christ- Oral liked his Jesus’s BIG) Oral got real rich off of gullible people- once he said in January of 1987 that if he didn’t raise 8 million bucks by March, THE LORD HIMSELF was going to “call him home”. March arrived and he had 9.1 milli in the bank! Way to fund raise, Oral! You would like to think that these are giant, strong, Mom-and-apple pie AMERICAN HANDS, but Oral had this, the world’s largest bronze sculpture, cast in Juarez, Mexico. Outsourcing Christ, the American way! Oh, Senõr Oral- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!

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Protestor outside our show, Anaheim, CA 5.29.13

Guys like this always baffle me. I was raised in the Christian church; Southern Baptist to be exact, and none of the people I grew up around ever ran amok in some sort of theological frenzy, doing nutty things like carrying signs and screaming at innocent passers by. This gentleman was a real piece of work though, let me tell you. He was calling women fat whores, he was yelling at EVERYONE telling them they were going to hell for drinking and drugging, and his views on homosexuality- well, I suppose those are clear by his sign. None of the Christians I knew as a boy ever did things like this.

But his extreme views are not what confuse me. For example, sure, I think it’s ludicrous that anyone would actually believe that the creator of the universe would judge people for being attracted to the same sex and condemn them to everlasting torment & hell fire for what is clearly a natural urge- some people are just GAY. GET OVER IT. Homosexuality has existed since the dawn of humanity, and there examples of homosexual behavior in other animals. I don’t happen to be gay, but at least I have brains enough to know that if that’s your thing, then that’s your thing, just like being heterosexual is mine. It’s cool, be gay, find yourself a man or a woman, and be happy. God bless. But there are people who are confused about that stuff, like this guy. I GET IT. Society has produced some strange belief systems over the years.

What really twists my noodle is this: what do these people think they are going to accomplish by verbally assaulting people? No one SCREAMING at me has ever made me want to see their point of view. If you want to push your agenda and beliefs (which is also distasteful to me, but just for the sake of argument, let’s go with it for a second), berating others for not behaving as you think they should isn’t really the way to bring people over to your side. All you do is aggravate folks and make them defensive. This is clearly a lack of proper planning and logistics. And as we all know, PPPPPP- proper planning prevents piss poor performance. Perhaps he would have done better by handing out sodas or cookies. I dunno.

When I told this gentleman I was sober and did not drink or drug, he mocked me and called me a liar (don’t know of he thought I was queer or not- after all, I do have both my ears pierced). This pissed me off, so I quoted some New Testament scripture to him (which he seemed incapable of doing or even responding to). When he kept yelling at me, I called him an asshole and walked away. I let him win, by doing that. I let him engage my primal self, let him touch the anger node of my lizard brain. I should have just laughed or tried to hug him. Oh well. Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the giant hate-filled asshole bear gets you.

I suppose what I’m getting at is I can forgive ignorance, because that can always be rectified. What I cannot forgive is AGGRESSIVE STUPIDITY. Someone took a leak in the gene pool here, and while I’m all for freedom speech (my job is contingent upon it), I’m also all for keeping a mad dog on a leash. Guys like this and the God Hates Fags people are purveyors of violence in a way- they prey on people’s emotions, just wanting to push buttons (like mine), wanting to provoke others into losing their cool. Some people might not just walk away angry. Some people might DO SOMETHING to these people. Then they will have to face the legal consequences. What a bummer. So while I think it’s really dangerous to repress freedom of speech in anyway shape or form by law, I also think it’s ridiculous that people should be allowed to verbally assault folks on the street with no fear of repercussion. There’s such a thin line to walk here…

Keeping freedom of speech in mind, I propose that if you are going to verbally assault people for their lifestyle or beliefs, then you should be required BY LAW to carry a bucket of duct tape with you at all times next to your protest gear. Then anyone that is offended by your ignorance should be allowed to take the duct tape, tear off NO MORE than a one foot section at a time, then apply it anywhere to your body they wish, excluding the eyes, ears, nose, & mouth. There were maybe 2,000 people at our Anaheim show. Can you imagine this dude, duct taped in place, by 2,000 one-foot sections of the silver wonder adhesive? Still screaming and yelling, frozen in place by tape and his impotent rage? Then you have to extricate yourself from the tape, with no help? You got yourself into this sticky situation, now get yourself out. Enforce a little accountability. Then maybe even this moron would think twice before taking his schtick to the streets.

“Well honey, I’m off to protest the faggots and satanic drunks again.”

“Larry, if you come home duct taped again, I’m divorcing you. I mean it.”

I think it’s only fair. I don’t like people screaming at me, calling me a liar, insulting my fans. And I REALLY don’t like STUPID PEOPLE judging me.

Especially when they can’t spell JUDGMENT.

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Paul Gustave Doré, Arachne

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Heliodorus Is Cast Down, Dore

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"Paradise" by Gustave Dore

(Based on Dante’s Paradiso)

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Behemoth Evangelia Heretika

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1

In societies dominated by modern conditions of production, life is presented as an immense accumulation of spectacles. Everything that was directly lived has receded into a representation.

2

The images detached from every aspect of life merge into a common stream in which the unity of...

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The spectator’s alienation from and submission to the contemplated object (which is the outcome of his unthinking activity) works like this: the more he contemplates, the less he lives; the more readily he recognizes his own needs in the images of need proposed by the dominant system, the less he understands his own existence and his own desires. The spectacle’s externality with respect to the acting subject is demonstrated by the fact that the individual’s own gestures are no longer his own, but rather those of someone else who represents them to him. The spectator feels at home nowhere, for the spectacle is everywhere.

Guy Debord, The Society of the Spectacle (via whosecityisthis) & mycircustent

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