danneleighofthedeepbluesea

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

I can’t believe myself.

Why the hell am I like this?! Like actually.

Anyway, I’m a piece of shit. Ignore me.

Cool. I was abused. It wasn’t even very bad abuse. I got manipulated and shouted at and pushed up against a locker once.

I should know by now that everyone else in the world has it so much worse than me.

I should be over what happened to me when I was sixteen fucking years old, for the duration of a school year, which isn’t even a full year.

That was eight years ago, since I’m 24 now.

I’m still scared of my abuser, but why? I never had to live with him, I never saw him after I graduated. The only power he has over me is that he still has my number and I was stupid enough not to block him.

Why must I always act like such a special snowflake about it?! I’M NOT THE ONLY ABUSE CASE IN THE WORLD!!! PEOPLE HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE!!!

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

Sooo, I finished Robert’s story with straight A ranks!

I took the traditional route of dating sims and focused entirely on dating him. Dunno if that nailed my coffin or what. We’ll see once I try to get S ranks.

So, if you complete Robert with A ranks, he will say he’s not ready for a romantic relationship, but you do get a picture still. 

I’m guessing this isn’t the best ending you can get. Robert is a tough one to crack! I wish I could play more of his story, slow-burn style, and get us eventually together, but *shrug.*

As an aromantic, I’m okay with the ending, because I feel great affection for the character. But, of course, as I’m invested in the game, I want the full ending.

*sighs heavily* Not sure if I’ll try Robert again or go after Joseph, my second-favorite dad. I also feel like he’ll be tough to crack, considering he’s the only dad that I know of with a wife around.

As far as Robert’s story goes, there’s a lot of Dan in it. Robert is funny and unexpectedly sweet. His daughter even throws out the “you’re not aspiring, you’re a photographer” line similar to what Dan himself has said before. And Robert is not about one night stands, just like Dan.

Robert is my love, and I could honestly spend ages trying to crack his lil nut. I just want him to be happy, okay? Is that too much to ask?!

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

I don’t know what I want out of life.

I have a second job now. (Waiting for orientation confirmation.)

I may be going back to school soon or in spring.

I still have my first job.

My mom is so proud of the fact that I’m being productive, but I feel empty and unfulfilled, even though I’ll be doing more with my life than I was before.

I just want the emptiness to go away. I want to be happy and passionate about something again.

I want to seek therapy, but I know my mom will look down on me for that.

Maybe the college I’m attending has a campus therapist, like my first college. Then I could (hopefully) go for “free” (included in tuition price, like my first college) so my mom doesn’t have to know.

I want to find out why I have trouble breathing and why it hurts to inhale sometimes. And hopefully, I can do so without having to go to a hospital, or have any operations, due to the superbug in my area. (Well, I could always go a state over, where there are no superbugs.) I’m hoping it’s just because I’m horribly out of shape, or I have swollen lymph nodes, or something small like that.

I’m scared that I might die, because of course I always am. On and off, I feel a sense of doom when I close my eyes, like I might not wake up.

I can’t die, but I don’t feel like I’m living.

I don’t know how to help myself anymore. I’m trying.

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

So, I actually had a panic attack last night. That was fun.

I didn’t know that it meant so much to me to be a part of something. It’s really hard when someone you look up to finds your very existence burdensome.

Needless to say, I’ll be a lot less visible in the fandom from now on. I’ll still be writing fanfiction, cause I love doing it, but you won’t see me on Grumps social media, and I won’t be trying to go to VIP meet and greets or anything like that. It’s a good thing I never wrote the thousands of letters I’ve drafted in my head. (They’re not interesting or original, anyway.)

To be clear, this is not a callout post to people who have made contact with the Grumps. I just think that I, personally, can be a better fan by admiring from afar.

It’s one person vowing to back off in a sea of millions, so it probably doesn’t make a difference either way, but I’m going to stop doing so because of the hopes that follow every time I post a comment to Instagram.

Maybe he’ll smile. Maybe he’ll see my posts, and they’ll make him laugh. Maybe they’ll cheer him up.

It’s not fair to Dan that I have hopes and dreams like I’m in a god damn fanfiction. I’m not memorable, I’m not pretty, I’m not talented. And I’m not asking for attention.

There’s surely somebody else who’s more worth Dan’s time out there. And I have to stop kidding myself, cause that person is not me.

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

I’m seriously glad my uncle told me that my little cousin started to miss me when he was being hooked into his car seat, not five minutes after seeing me.

And today, he missed me when he couldn’t see me while he was washing his hands in the kitchen.

This season is always the worst for me, depression-wise, because I can’t help feeling alone and isolated. I don’t expect gifts back from the friends I give to, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a “thank you,” yet in four years, I have gotten two return presents, and two thank yous from a group of four friends. 50% aint bad, I guess.

This year, I’ve been told of three return presents, and I know they will all be grateful for the gifts I sent them. Like I said, reciprocation doesn’t matter to me. It just hurts to have zero communication at all.

Plus, I now have finals to deal with, plus a few missing assignments, and I just…

Depression really hits me hard, and lasts pretty much until my birthday. Doesn’t help that lil bro flaunts his girlfriend. She’s nice and funny and attractive, and they’re good for each other, but it just makes me feel all the more alone.

Not to mention my dad can be a curse and a blessing. He and I rarely see eye to eye, and there hasn’t been a year yet where I haven’t cried because of him. But, of course, he gives MAJOR cash money, so I don’t really want to cut ties with him.

During past years, I’ve contemplated suicide all the way until Christmas Day. This year, I’m doing a little better…but only because of lil skudge, and my plans for next year. I’ll always feel like a failure compared to my brother, who just recently was offered a job that starts at 6.5k a year. I’ve never seen that kind of money in my life, and it’s unlikely I ever will.

I’m not sure if I can blame my mother for making me feel worthless, or it’s just a daughter’s curse.

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

Working on a FNAF Game Grumps AU, finally! (After repeatedly listening to Join Us For a Bite to boot…)

I’m planning on mixing the lore of the main games with the lore of the books as it suits me, so here’s what I’ve got so far:

Leigh “Danny” Avidan was killed many years ago in a pizzeria.

His dead body was “found” by a free-roaming animatronic squirrel named Sammy Sweetnuts, and his spirit latched onto the character, possessing the animatronic. (He had always liked Sammy Sweetnuts the best, anyway.) Afterwards, patrons began to notice a change in Sammy’s supposedly pre-recorded audio, including unheard lines, and maintenance crew began to notice that the animatronic would move and speak on its own, without prompting. This led the owner of the pizzeria to retire Sammy Sweetnuts for good, relocating the animatronic to an underground bunker deep below ground.

Danny hated it in the bunker. He only had broken robot parts for company, and as the bunker became slowly forgotten, rust began to settle in the suit’s joints, and he soon became unable to move, trapped and alone in the darkness.

Five years later, Arin Hanson returns home after graduating college with a degree in robotics when he hears news of his father’s suicide. He discovers that Lloyd Hanson left his son detailed directions to a secret underground bunker that had been abandoned for a long time. Since his father had always loved working with animatronics, and Arin himself was quite skilled with robotics, he decided to find the hidden bunker and see what was down there, briefly entertaining the thought of building an animatronic of his own.

Upon entering the bunker, he finds mostly junk, but one working animatronic, listed as “Sammy Sweetnuts.” Arin begins to clean up the bunker and get the systems down there back online. As the dust and damp is cleared, though, he soon realizes that the old animatronic has a mind of its own.

Danny, lonely and eager for company, watches Arin repairing the robots. When his free-roam switch is left on, he moves around, following Arin around, though never too closely, so as not to frighten him. He’s been so lonely…it’s nice to have a friend again.

Arin is weirded out by Sammy’s autonomous movement, so he eventually shuts off the robot’s free-roaming switch…not without a little hesitancy, considering he’s seen the…unsavory abilities of some animatronics. But as he turns to leave for the evening, he hears a plaintive cry from Sammy Sweetnuts, begging him not to go. When he asks if it’s Sammy talking, he receives the response: “Danny.”

Despite the bunker being cold and dark, Arin brings a sleeping bag and clothes down to the bunker, and he begins to talk to his new friend. Danny explains the faint memory he has of being in pain…and then being embraced by the cold metal of Sammy Sweetnuts. Arin mistakenly thinks Sammy is a so-called “Funtime” animatronic, a larger and far more deadly type of animatronic not designed by his father, but upon opening Sammy’s chest cavity, finds ordinary robotic innards. Danny clarifies that he was lured with the promise of a really cool secret by an excited yellow bunny animatronic, only to feel pain and see darkness, causing him to possess the nearest animatronic suit.

Arin then researches his father’s old businesses, finding the date of Danny’s murder, along with a string of other murders across several franchises. Arin explains that, as a kid, he hated the animatronics his father worked with, constantly plagued by nightmares of them coming after him, only to have it come true when a rogue animatronic went haywire, scratching at his chest and nearly biting him with its steel teeth. Danny protests that “they can’t be all bad!” and the two decide together that they must stop other children from being hurt.

Arin hunts down and buys animatronics made by his father, leaving them alone with Danny/Sammy so that the robots can talk, animatronic to animatronic, spirit to spirit. As Danny guessed, most of the “violent” or “malfunctioning” animatronics are possessed by the spirits of dead children, scared and confused and angry, their new bodies lending them strength to enact revenge.

They will eventually hunt down Brent-trap, but idk how yet. That’s still in development. But I do know that one of the other spirits is Brian, who is much older, and was killed opportunistically instead of being lured. (He was 13 when he died; Danny was about 7 or 8.)

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

So apparently the new content in the Markiplier fandom is that someone posted in the Markiplier tab and got all butthurt about Mark seeing it. …I guess because they were a Darkiplier RP blog…?

While I understand the very real fear of a celebrity stumbling upon your content, there are a few things that I don’t understand about the anger from the person in question.

1. Markiplier was right that it has been an established fact that he checks the Markiplier tag from the first day of his tumblr. (He’s mentioned it in several videos.)

2. The post that was reblogged was not dirty or embarrassing.

3. Markiplier played along with the OP by ROLEPLAYING as the post requested. (As someone who has owned several RP blogs, I understand the nature of the post, but I can see how Mark misinterpreted it.)

OP’s response was unnecessarily rude, without establishing the RP character at all (just so nobody can say they were IC at the time). In my opinion, Mark should not have continued to interact and therefore give OP undue attention, but that’s another matter. OP should have responded differently, and this could have been done in two ways:

1. Thank Mark for appearing on the post and say something like: “I love your videos!” or “x series was my favorite!” Y’know…something that might be said if Mark were encountered in person.

2. Say hello politely, but explain that the post is asking for other RP blogs to join in. {What I think the post was actually asking for, based on experience.) Additionally, thank Mark for appearing, and do same as above.

Certainly if the second had been done, I’d like to think Mark would have stopped interacting. I think he thought he was being funny, and while I didn’t personally find it to be such, I don’t think it was offensive in any way. In fact, it looked like Mark was trying to imitate the structure of “fake RP” posts, like the one between a seal and a basketball player, that circulate every so often.

That being said, I don’t personally think Mark handled the situation in the aftermath as well as he could have. While Mark may check the “markiplier” tag often, he doesn’t “own” the tag, no more than I own the “Game Grumps” tag. It’s a tag for fandom, but it’s also a tag that Mark cares about checking. Anyone posting there should be aware (especially if they are a long-time viewer or follow the markiplier tumblr) that Mark may see it. I’m assuming no one posts lewd fanart in that tag…for obvious reasons. So I feel as though that comment is out of line. No one “owns” a tag, and anyone can use it.

My second disagreement comes over the sarcastic post about a “secret” tag. It starts out deceptively like a legitimate apology, and then becomes incredibly sarcastic, ending with a #SECRETTAG tag at the bottom. Did OP handle the situation incorrectly? Absolutely. Should the situation be provoked further? HELL NO. While OP’s outburst was rude and unnecessary, they may have been frightened if their blog contained content they’d rather prevent Mark from seeing. (I’m sure we all have that thought from time to time while reblogging shipping art of real people. Hell, I know I’d never want the Grumps to stumble on the stuff I write or reblog!) However, Mark as a creator knows for sure that there are parts of fandom that are meant to be kept a secret from the creators, at least as much as humanly possible. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mark reblogging shipping art. (I haven’t seen Jack doing it either, so I’m making assumptions here.) The content creators, as Mark said himself once, “know the internet is a messed up place” [sic], and therefore know to turn a blind eye to embarrassing posts. OP getting riled up would only encourage a curious celebrity to go looking, I’d imagine. A neutral response like the two I suggested above works better.

I’m going to end this very long post by saying that I’m not active in the Markiplier fandom. I’m a Lovely through and through, and that is where I go for my Let’s Play content. Not exclusively, but most frequently. I only say this because I’m not in the current Markiplier fandom. I don’t create content that is Mark-specific, which is obvious from my blog title. I’d like to think this makes me a neutral party on the subject and in this debate, and I’d like anyone who may see this to remember that. I do my best to remain objective and logical.

Please note also that I do not squarely place the blame with Mark, or with OP. I think both of you are at fault, and I would hope that this post explains why. Anyone who needs further clarification, and who can be articulate and speak peacefully, is welcome in my askbox. I will not answer chats, unless they happen to come from Mark, on the off chance he sees this.

This is my take on the situation. Thank you for reading everything, and have a great day!

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

Vero: My Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: I do not have this app, and I probably will not get it, due to the fact that it is a subscription service, and I can barely afford YouTube Red. Therefore, my thoughts come from research into what the app is and what it does. I am a communication student and a Grumps fan, and I will predict what will probably happen with so many brands and celebrities seemingly migrating to this new platform.

First and foremost, I assure you that it will attract celebrities and niche brands due to the privacy settings. “Public” and “private” accounts need no longer exist, if Vero works the way it says it does. Users can choose what to share and with whom. This is useful for celebrities because they can choose who is considered a “friend” and who is just a “fan.” They may even be able to sort fans into groups that are more or less sensitive to things like social issues. For example, if a risky joke is made by a comedian, fans who are less sensitive will see that joke, whereas fans of a socially conscious nature will see politically correct content. Vero calls their system more honest, but I actually think that a system like this would allow for some dishonesty. There is a positive to this, though, as Vero would allow users to control who saw their posts, making queer and trans people free to make whatever posts they want, even if they have less tolerant family members following their pages.

Brands can use Vero to find their niches, specifically inviting certain people to follow their pages. Those who are curious (or, perhaps, more loyal) would be willing to move onto this platform and thus receive special content tailored specifically to their interests. Supposedly, brands would have easier interaction with their customers, and be able to see exactly what fans liked, and what they didn’t. If the split is even, brands can create tailored content using the method I described above. Brands also have the option of listing merchandise directly on the app instead of linking out to a different website, creating convenience for its consumers.

However, I am confused and intrigued by their advertised lack of an algorithm. Algorithms track interest of consumers or viewers over time, letting brands or individuals see who is viewing their content, and can provide demographic information so brands and people can “get to know” their audience from afar. Perhaps the potential environment for Vero is expected to be quite small, as it makes for a more intimate experience when users choose to follow a celebrity, ordinary user, or brand, but if the audience grows over time (as Vero seems to expect it to), then I’d be interested to see how effective the interface is. Sorting 4 million people by hand seems tedious to me.

Vero has also stepped away from advertising, choosing to charge their users instead. In the modern world where companies are constantly tracking our interests by mining data from our mobile service providers, the fact that Vero is not willing to do this is a unique step forward. They are choosing not to rely on ad revenue, instead making the platform more like an exclusive club, rather than something everyone can use. This is obviously very attractive to people who are mildly or moderately famous, as they can get away from traditional social media and have a more freeing place to be themselves. Vero also allows the use of music and texts, kind of like Tumblr, instead of being a purely image-based platform like Instagram.

While I think that this lack of advertising (and therefore lack of spying) is a step in the right direction, I am not sure that the user base will grow exponentially. Social media sites that are well established will not be readily abandoned for a “pay as you go” service, and, as has been the biggest complaint so far, the fact that it costs money is a big deterrent.

With that said, do I think that Vero is reaching out to certain entities to draw traffic to their service, perhaps even offering paid sponsorships? My answer is that I think it is incredibly likely. Vero is a business, and it is trying to gain users and traction. Reaching out to well-known properties with established fanbases is one way to do that, and they are likely to see people migrating to the site to follow their favored brands. Do I think it will make other social media sites obsolete? No, I don’t think so. For that to happen, two things need to precede it.

1. Brands, celebrities, and popular users have to agree to cease activity on other social media sites. If the demand is created, fans will have no choice but to flock to Vero if they wish to keep updated on upcoming events or be “in the know” about the goings-on of their favorite people. For YouTubers and other performers, I suspect that those who want to make Vero into their primary and only way of communication would likely pull back “update” content (i.e. information about merch/live shows/book presales/ect.), refusing to post such things on YouTube, or else heavily plugging their use of Vero. (”To buy tickets for tour, visit our Vero page!) However, I see this being a dangerous route to take so early in Vero’s life as an app and brand, because users are still reliant on other social media websites, like Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. But if Vero starts to rise in popularity, this is something that could absolutely happen, especially if…

2. Vero becomes free to use for all, forever. This is an important step for any mobile app to take. I don’t know about you, but I am less likely to pay for an app. However, I am very likely to pay for in-app purchases. If Vero is smart, they will negotiate with brands and other sellers on-site to take a percentage of the sales, kind of like Etsy does. This will reduce their cost of business and allow for the app to be made free. Of course, Vero can choose to make additional perks for those who wish to pay extra for a subscription service, like many apps that have a “premium” version.

That concludes my thoughts on Vero for now. As I learn more about the app, I may update this post. For now, let us hope that all of our favorite brands don’t require the use of a paid app. (I couldn’t find how much the subscription even was up front!) These are just predictions, and for some of them, I sincerely hope that I’m not correct in my assumptions.

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

I’m not a robot. I still hurt when I acknowledge that people I know (or even don’t know) don’t care about me. I’ve just come to accept the fact that I will always care more deeply about the people around me than they ever will be able to reciprocate.

It’s upsetting and frustrating sometimes to have this boundless, limitless love for others. I realize this every time I truly care about someone, only to find out that our friendship was short lived and we will never be friends again.

I somehow became deeply emotionally attached to the Game Grumps. I don’t know why. I wish I could make it stop. Because they don’t care about me. I’m a number in a sea of thousands.

It’s why I waffle between wanting to write fanmail, and wanting to distance myself from things like meet and greets, or sometimes even live shows or events.

Even if I did write fanmail, I always think about what I could tell them to brighten their days. I’d tell Arin he’s strong and beautiful, and he has no reason not to be proud of his body, and he should love it, because what he’s done is amazing. And I’d tell him that he has a good heart, and he’s smart and generous.

I’d tell Dan that I hope he has good mental health. (I was worried for him after DDLC.) I’d tell him that I appreciate his hard work over the last couple of years. I’d (maybe) tell him to make sure he takes care of himself, because when you’re a workaholic (as he no doubt is), it can be hard to remember to address your own needs.

I have so many questions that I’d love to ask, but I’m much too shy to. I think about what would happen if I saw them, and about the ways they’ve hinted about fame not being quite what they expected and how much they hate it.

I have willingly invested my time and my heart to two people who will never even give a shit about me. And it hurts. But I’ll still do it, because that’s just who I am. I can’t change that, and I don’t want to.

I’ve said before that I am very easy to manipulate. I am, it’s true. I am easy to take advantage of and abuse, because I value others more than I value myself.

I just don’t know what to do if I can’t help. That’s when I break down.

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

So I’ve gotten into the habit of using Grumps series that I don’t want to/can’t physically sit down and watch (games like Megaman and Shovel Knight hurt my eyes for some reason, and there’s just some series that are far more interesting to listen to than to watch imo), and I’ve been listening to them play Sonic Adventure DX. Which…I knew was going to be a mistake.

Sonic Adventure was my first experience with video games, and Sonic was my hyperfocus from the time I was eight until I was about seventeen, so needless to say, I stuck by the franchise for a lot of reasons.

I never played Sonic Adventure, but I’d watch my brother play. And he never seemed to have issues with the way it controlled, and I don’t remember being bothered by the weird cadence of the dialogue, or the “seizure faces.”

But I also get that it hasn’t aged well, which…fair.

It hurts me to hear the Grumps (especially Arin) mock the game so harshly for the little reasons. The storyline that I loved so dearly as a kid, the way they made fun of Tails’ theme song (a personal favorite of mine, and btw, “heaven” is also a name for the sky…not just for religious people to use. It could also be taken to mean “the highest sky I can get to,” but “highest of all the heavens” just was the better melody line, I guess.), and the critique of Knuckles’ stages.

Yeah, I remember the confusing Emerald-grabbing mechanic, especially because sometimes, the “Emerald finder” would be a little off. (My brother and I found several Emeralds by looking in the “yellow” zone.) And Big’s levels were long, but not frustrating. It’s just Sega bass fishing reskinned as a Sonic game! You catch fish for points, and THEN Froggy is easy af to catch!

I mean, Sonic games ARE easier to understand if you have the time and energy to listen to the plot, and I realize Arin and Dan don’t have that luxury. They have to focus on doing a show, and that doesn’t allow them to focus on a game’s story. But it makes me wonder if there are just some games that aren’t suited to the Grumps format, and that someone (maybe Brent?) should be aware of that, and sort the games they receive from fans. Sure, they could play a game anyway, if they get sponsored *cough* the Occulus Rift sponsorship *cough* yet another set of videos I couldn’t watch (which I’m not against, btw. They need money to live), or if enough fans demand it, but I think everyone would be more happy overall (the Grumps included) if they decided on what games were suited for the show and stuck to those.

Some examples I thought of.

Games suitable for Grumps:

are not heavily plot-driven

run as smoothly as possible (no glitches)

are either relatively easy to complete or are meant to be rage-inducing (i.e. Breath of the Wild versus Mario Maker)

are older (an option so that Dan could play more, if he wanted)

are not ridiculous Wii games

are not RPGs or games that have RPG elements (frustrating on two levels; Arin and Pokemon strategies and Dan trying to please fans and getting worn down in the process; due to Paper Mario stresses, it’s likely we won’t see Dan play another long game on the show until he’s 45, provided the show is still up and running at that time.)

are not games that Arin vehemently hates (i.e. he only has one or two things he thinks are TERRIBLE about the game and will talk of nothing else every time something goes wrong for 30 episodes.)

That’s just my thoughts on the matter. I’d love to hear yours, though!

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

The number one thing I don’t like about my mom is that she blames every single one of my medical problems on processed food.

Yes, processed food is bad for you. Yes, it’s better to eat homemade or organic.

But processed food is fucking good, and sometimes, it’s tiring to be fucking healthy 24-7.

The fact that I eat processed food like literally every other human being in the world is not solely to blame for my medical problems. And you have no idea how isolated and unsupported it makes me feel every time she says shit like “that stuff is caused by processed food.” Like, who are you? A California vegan?

Saying that my chronic liver disease and my chronic swelling are caused solely by my occasional delight in processed food is like saying that getting stung by a bee causes cancer. And it minimizes my suffering, like if I suddenly stopped eating processed food, my chronic illnesses would magically go away.

I get that she’s trying to help me by looking for answers, but punishing me by telling me that I could “cure” my chronic illnesses by staying away from processed food for the rest of my life isn’t helpful. Find out if I could add vitamins of some kind to my list of pills that I already take. Find out if certain foods are more likely to cause a reaction. Find research and support centers. Find out if medication can help. Don’t just type it into Google and get all smug when you find out processed food is a factor in the disease.

If processed food were the sole cause of any of my chronic diseases, then guess what? Everyone in our entire family would be suffering from them. Jesus fucking Christ, my baby cousin has been eating McDonald’s at least once a week since he turned two. You’d think if McDonald’s had been the sole cause of chronic swelling, then he’d swell up like a balloon every time he ate there.

I’m so sick and tired of her trying to make me feel guilty about the way that I live my life. I’m 25. I know what I’m doing. Get the fuck off my back.

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

Two days ago, my mom told me that I have always been a mean person who lacks compassion.

As an empath, who in fact feels everything, sometimes to an extreme degree, this hurt my feelings a lot.

We were arguing about a misplaced credit card. (She says she asked for it back and never received it from me, I say that I returned the card to her as soon as she asked for it.) To be fair, I knew immediately that the wrong thing to say was “You were accusing me of stealing,” because she never said anything like that, but that’s what I heard like always, because I understand things as very black and white. (I’m not sure if it’s related to autism, or if I’m just fucking dumb, but that’s how it’s always been.)

But I still don’t think it was fair of her to go off at me, accusing me of never being nice to her, of lacking compassion.

Because I have come to think that I was not, in fact, a mean child, as my mother so likes to “fondly” remember me. I have come to believe that I was an autistic empath child, struggling along without guidance from anyone because my mother didn’t want me labeled.

It’s hard to say if I would have benefitted from help, because my mother acts one way in public and another when we are alone. (And regardless of what she is told by a professional, if it clashes with her reality, she will not listen to it.) But maybe I would’ve known myself better, and learned not to necessarily blame myself for saying weird things or acting strangely.

I’m starting to think that my mother is simply parenting me the way she was parented. Her mother must have told her that she was cruel and evil and lacked compassion in an effort to silence her arguments, just as she tried to do with me.

I’m glad I continued to try and explain, and I’m glad I got a little sassy and brushed her off. If I hadn’t, I would’ve never gotten to tell my side of the story, and gotten her to explain to me, in simpler terms, what she was trying to say. (I still don’t understand; she claims it doesn’t matter, yet if it didn’t matter, why are you a: remembering it at all or b: calling me names just because you think you’re right.)(

[danneleighofthedeepbluesea]

The worst part about being Q-romantic is not knowing what romantic interest looks or sounds like.

Any man who is nice to me and is even remotely attractive, I immediately think they are interested in me romantically. If an attractive girl tried to hit on me, I’d probably think: “oh she’s just being nice” because first of all, I have the WEIRDEST body type, so…aint nobody goin after me. (My biggest fear about online dating tbh.) Second of all, what even does flirting look like???

Being q-romantic is second-guessing yourself all the time, and wondering if you’re going to be alone bcs you don’t know what the fuck romantic interest even looks or sounds like, never mind how to receive it in a way that shows interest.