daniellebettes

[daniellebettes]

Things No One Tells You

It's okay to not forgive someone. You're not required to forgive someone if they do you wrong. You don't need to forgive someone if they apologize. At this point in time there are two people I haven't forgiven, and they know it. My ex and my cousin. My ex tried to say he was sorry for harassing me, but it sounded like he got caught stealing from the cookie jar. It's been 4 years and I still haven't forgiven him. He never tried to make amends so why should I? He never proved he was sorry. My cousin tried apologizing for what she said to me. She didn't do it until my friend went after her telling her how shit she was for blaming my mental issues for everything and how there were better ways to end a friendship than that. When she apologized It sounded half assed and was trying too hard. I flat out told her I wasn't forgiving her. The damage was already done. She crossed a line there was no coming back from. I wasn't forgiving someone like that who didn't try and make amends on their own. Someone who was sorry wouldn't turn the group chat into a "shit on Dani" fest behind her back. My ex has used the line "I apologized, but she wouldn't forgive me." There was a reason for that asshole. And I flat out yelled at him for that. I told him why I didn't forgive him. If my cousin does the same in the group chat, which I asked a friend to add me back in, I'm going to say why I didn't forgive her. Or say that just because you apologize doesn't fixed what was done. As I said before, it's fine to not forgive someone. And it's certainly okay to call them on it if they use the line "I tried to apologize but they wouldn't forgive me." Their apology doesn't require forgiveness and they are shit to think so. I've been on the other side. I apologized to someone I hurt. She didn't forgive me and told me I ruined the friendship. I told her that was fair. It felt good apologizing, but I don't hold it against her to not forgive me. I respect that. I knew going in things weren't going back to the way it was before. You can't force someone to forgive you. If you try to force it, it won't happen. The person you apologize to may not forgive you. It's okay. Saying sorry doesn't automatically fix everything. Drop a plate, apologize to it, did it fix it? Nope. It only gets fixed when the pieces are put back together by action. Even then, it's never the same again. So in conclusion, if you apologize to someone they may not forgive you, so don't hold it against them. If you are being apologized to, it's okay not to forgive them.

[daniellebettes]

Rant About "Love"

You know those assholes who say, "You can't love someone if you don't love yourself."? That's bullshit. Just because you don't love yourself, doesn't mean you don't love other people. I hate everything about myself. All the shit that I say I'm good at, I say because others have told me I was good at it. Do I believe I'm good at what I do? Not really. Do I enjoy doing my hobbies? Sometimes. It helps vent out my feelings when I don't want to burden someone else.

I can't think of one thing I'm good at, that I wasn't validated in. I can't think of one thing to love about myself. The other side of that is, I can think of amazing qualities that someone else has. I can praise other people for their accomplishments in what they do. I can love everything about someone else, and think of a million things good things to say about them. But I can't think of one good thing to say about myself.

I can sit here and type out all the reasons I love my one friend. I can type out everything that makes me love him more. I can type out more things I love about him, than I could type things I love about myself.

Sometimes you need someone else to love you in order to see your good qualities. Now I'm not saying they have to be 'in love' with you. I'm not saying that. Someone else who openly shows they love you for who you are. That's enough for someone like me to learn to love myself. It could be a friend, family member, or a lover. There's all types of love out there.

Somewhat away from love, but I hate when someone is like, "You can't help someone when you can't help yourself." Fuck off with that bullshit. I help people all the fucking time with their problems when my own life is shit. I help them because I KNOW where they've been. I've been there before, or I'm currently there. Sometimes helping someone else, can help you as well. Although with me, I never take my own advice.

What do those asswipes expect me to do when someone needs help? Just stand by and let them go in the rabbit hole and make the same mistakes I'm making? Fuck no. I'm going to do what I can to stop them so they don't make the same mistakes I do. Maybe it's out of spite, but that's why I want to be a therapist. So no one has to go through the same shit I did. So no one has to feel like they are helpless because no one will help. So no one has to lie to get through their lives.

No one ever gave a shit about helping me, and it fucked me up for life. I won't let that happen to anyone else if I can help it. I won't let another person go though the mistakes I've made all these years. I want to be the type of person to help someone and have my future patient not hide things.

Might be spiteful, but I honestly couldn't give two shits. I've had adults look at me weirdly for my reasoning of wanting to be a therapist and said, "Oh you can't really think that way right?" Fuck yea I do. I made a promise to myself in 7th grade, that I would become a therapist so no one becomes me. (Note: I am 18 now and about to start college in like a month.) I made that promise because my guidance counselor at my catholic Pre K-8th grade school didn't help me when I needed her the most. 

That fucked me up. I stopped trusting adults, and I still don't trust them. Hell I am an adult and I still can't trust other adults. She fucked me up for life, and I hope she's proud of herself. I just hope she hasn't fucked up anyone else at that school.

The incident she didn't help me with? Some asshole told me to go kill myself on a school field trip. The next day when I saw her, I told her. She was like, "Oh do you think he was being serious or joking?" (That shit shouldn't be a joke first off.) I was like, "I don't know." Then she said, "Oh do you want me to tell Mr. J?" (Mr. J was the principal.) I told her to. The next time I saw her she told me, "I'm sorry, I can't do anything for you. You should've told someone when it happened." Who. The. Fuck. Was. I. Supposed. To. Tell? It was a fucking field trip. We had parents watching us, and the parent I was with hated my guts. (I was friends with her daughter so she had to put up with me.)

Well fuck that got long. So yea. You can love other people when you hate yourself. You can help others when your life is a fuck up.

[daniellebettes]

Random Ranting

You know I honestly feel like I'm dragging people down with my problems. I'm shocked I still have friends because of all the bullshit I put them through. I don't even deserve them, and they deserve a much better friend than me.

It's been about 2 years since I started self harming. 2. And rarely did I stop to kick the habit, I only stopped because if I didn't someone would've noticed. (At least with my shoulders.) No one gave a shit when I cut on my wrists. It was pretty much in plain sight because it was spring uniforms at my high school. After I got myself into therapy, which I regret with every fiber of my being, I started cutting on my shoulders where my sleeves cover. The only time they didn't was sleeveless dresses and my bathing suit. No one noticed them because they were somewhat faded if anyone saw.

I wonder how many people noticed my wrist and didn't say a damn word. I wonder how many of them went by without a second thought. I wonder if any of them actually wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say. I wonder if any of them even cared. My own friends didn't give two shits. They all claimed they wanted to say something but just didn't know how, or thought I'd be mad at them. Would they rather see me dead? Honestly.

For the studio I got my senior pictures done at, they uploaded one of my photos to their senior gallery on their site. (They had my permission to use my photos in their store and on the site. I do not know if any of my photos are in the store.) As I browsed the site the other day, I was the first one. I noticed my wrist and it had a single cut. That was way before I started doing multiple, or they were too bunched together to notice multiple. But either way I saw it. I wonder how many of this year's seniors are looking at that photo, and not realizing it was self inflicted.

I wasn't disgusted at it. I thought to myself, "huh I looked better off back then, than I do now." Those were taken in October if I remember correctly. That was before I got forced into therapy. (Sounds like I'm contradicting myself, not the case.) Technically because of my actions I was forced into it in order to return to school. I almost actually wasn't allowed back for quite sometime if my dad didn't talk to the vice principal. (Yea I actually almost got suspended for being suicidal, welcome to catholic school.)

Like seriously, I almost got suspended because I spoke up about how suicidal I was. I spoke up about how I cut myself. Did he really think it was a smart idea to try and suspend me? Like I did that shit at my house. (I did try at school, but I had nothing on me tbh.) The only person getting hurt was me, so I wasn't a danger to the other students. That's the last time I speak up about my problems. Fuck catholic school.

I was sent somewhere nearby to get some help. (6 months later and I'm still a fuck up, what a shock.) I should've taken the option to use pills when I had the chance. I'm kinda used to it by now. Huh who knew after trying to overdose, I wouldn't mind taking pills. Oh well.

I'm honestly just biding my time in therapy until I get discharged. By my therapist he's seen a 'vast improvement' and said I'd be discharged after I start college because he wanted to see how I settle in. He only thinks I'm improving because I haven't told him all the bullshit that went on in my life. Sure I've told him some things so he doesn't think my life is perfect, but not the main shit. If I wasn't going to college I would've been discharged months ago.

He sure as hell doesn't know I've been self harming after since the first session I had with him. Hell I'm pretty sure in one of our sessions he had Facebook open because I could hear the beeps. He seemed like he wanted to do something else other than listen to me talk. A few times he even got some stuff I've said wrong, and I didn't want to correct him. I get I'm not the only one he sees, but you shouldn't say misinformation about your patient. Or ask them if you're unsure, not say it as fact.

I wonder if any of my friends, the few I actually have left, care. I wonder how many of them want to leave me as well. Why would they want to be friends with a girl like me? I've said this before, I'm the extra piece in the puzzle. I'm the extra button you only use when a button falls off, but you don't need. Would anyone even miss me when I'm gone?

The group I'm in doesn't need me. A is only 6 months younger than me, but he acts more like a leader than I ever did. One of the boys thought I was 16 instead of 18. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'm the oldest in the group. You wouldn't think that by the way I act. Most of them think A's the oldest, but it's actually me. Guess it's because I went to a different high school than most of them.

It's been about 4 years since I've been in that group, and yet I still feel like an outsider. I feel like I don't belong. Sure there is another girl in the group, and we do get along, but she's way younger than me so I can't talk to her about stuff. I used to talk to A about stuff since we are in the same grade and pretty much the same age, but I feel like our friendship changed when he got a girlfriend.

I don't feel right talking to him about stuff going on in my life anymore. I mean we do talk, but never about personal issues anymore. We talk about college and stuff like that. He makes me laugh when we're with the group. And even after cutting him off of social media, I don't think he hates me. (Altho I haven't seen him since I did that.) I did it because I needed a break from his stuff. He didn't post much, but when he did it would always be at the top of my feed. It got annoying. Sure I didn't have to cut him off, but I did. I hope he doesn't hate me.

It just sucks. People think I'm this bright girl who smiles a lot, but it's been a lie. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. Okay, slightly a lie. When I was in Vermont with the group, I was happy for a short while. I was also happy when I was at a friend's graduation pool party. Other than those two events, I don't remember a time where I was happy. Even with my other friends' grad parties, I wasn't ever truly happy. Before one of them, I starved myself that day. When the party came I ate because I had to.

This got pretty long. If anyone is reading, thanks? Idk. I just made this blog so no one I know in real life can read them. I just wanted to rant without someone getting triggered and saying, "Omg Dani is going to kill herself!" (PS: As far as y'all are aware of, my name is Dani.)

"Omg Dani stop being so depressed, other people have it worse." If you ever use that line, just shut the fuck up right now. This isn't a fucking competition on who has the most fucked up life. People have fucked up lives, it's not the fucking Olympics.

[daniellebettes]

Rant About My "Mental Issues"

You know they say you should tell people when you're thinking of suicide or when you're depressed. But the more you do the more people don't believe you. They don't take you seriously after you say it so many times. They only care after the first few times and then stop once you say it so often. It's like the boy who cried wolf except you're serious. Every. Fucking. Time. People get so sick of it they leave you because they "can't handle your mental issues" or "you'll never change". Oh yeah with shit like that I'm bound to fucking change. You try being in my shoes for a fucking day and see how you deal with it. I've tried OD'ing more times than I could count to get out of this fucking world. No one would fucking care. They're all busy with their "perfect" lives. How the fuck am I supposed to explain my shoulders to someone? Thank God I had the nerve to do it where my sleeves cover. How many people saw my scars when I did it on my wrists and turned the other way? Too many to count. Too fucking many. No one cares until you're fucking dead, and by that point it's too fucking late. I hope to god the next person that shows they are suicidal you do something about it. Don't just leave them to fend for their fucking selves. Don't fucking act like you care one moment and then fucking be a brick wall. I'm at the point where if someone was trying to kill me, I'd fucking let them. Better go out through something like that than by suicide. At least that way no one can say I was selfish. I could even be a hero. But deep down I wanted to die for my own reasons. Fuck being a hero. Next time you know of who's depressed don't fucking say, "hey all you ever do is listen to depressing music." Ever wonder why? Of course you don't. It's because music can say so much more than you ever could. It numbs everything for a short period of time. It stops me from ranting to someone who doesn't need to deal with my problems. It stops me from making someone else's day worse because I'm a fucking freak who can't get her life straight. It stops me from telling someone my problems and ruining their day because I'm a suicidal bitch. But hey, as long as it doesn't ruin your "perfect" imagine I guess it's fine. What's that bullshit about how I don't show gratitude? Did all those years of me giving you a Christmas gift not mean anything? Did colliding a day we could go to the college at the same time not mean anything? Did I ever give up on you when you were going through shit? Did I ever tell you that you wouldn't change because of you mental issues? I'm not the only one who's fucked up here. Thanks for proving my point about how no one cares about me. Thanks for confirming all the bad shit I've thought of. I almost regreted cutting out A, at least social media wise. But then you spoke. So thanks for making me want to change myself so him, the other boys, and E don't get sick of me. Hell they probably already are and just won't say anything. Thanks for making me confirm those things. You didn't know that I stopped being friends with C. She probably would've agreed with all you said. But to be fair she's never been that rude. That ended because I cut her out as well. I knew things were changing and I couldn't communicate with her on it. Then it broke. Not like you care anyway. Just saying I'm used to people leaving/leaving people. Just know that if you do come crawling back, and you probably will, I don't forgive you. I'm doing what you asked and cutting you out. For what it's worth I hope you never turn out like me. Don't lie to your therapist every session waiting to be discharged. Don't do the same fucking habits I do. Never starve yourself, cut, or try to OD. That shit is addictive as drugs. (Not that I would know the drug issue.)