dangersadeerawr-blog

[dangersadeerawr-blog]

"That girl"

I never wanted to be "that girl", the one that had sex with guys she didnt love, a whore as some would call her. But here as I look at myself, I realize I have become part of her. I wanted to be the girl that fell head over heals in love with a guy and then had sex, but it's hard to do that. When your first love isn't really a "real man" and treats you right, just uses you for sex and money, but makes you believe he loves you, it really messes with your head and image of love. Love is such a complicated thing, I'm not even sure anyone truly understands it until they've lost it. At least, I know that the guy I love is somewhere in Michigan(that I heard of last). We both agree the few nights we spent together were not normal, they were magical almost, but our worlds took us two different places and he left me standing there, waiting for him to return, though he never did. So, instead of staying in that town I left, too many sad and awful memories there every where I went. Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder if he ever thinks of me like I do him(probably not though because he's a man). Hah. I don't think I will ever be truly in live with someone else until I meet with him again and see if what we felt was real. Until then, my heart remains behind closed, locked doors and only he holds the key. I recall a few years ago when my number was just beginning, and now I have to use my toes to count. I'm too naive sometimes, I know this, but other times I just want to feel wanted, so I let them have their way with me. I'm a pretty fucked up person I guess, you can blame High School and Blake for that.

[dangersadeerawr-blog]

Why even try anymore?

I'm not beautiful, I'm not skinny and I'm not pretty. I'm not fooling anyone. Beauty isn't being fat, and that's what I am. There's just nothing pretty about me. I give up.

[dangersadeerawr-blog]

...

I just wanna lose weight and be skinny so that I don't lay around at night and wonder if I'll ever get picked for true love?

[dangersadeerawr-blog]

Friends

What I don't understand about friends is why people think that even though I'm their friend, they can't tell me anything. It doesn't matter that I hate your boyfriend with a passion, you know that, and if you need to talk to someone, I expect it to be me. I sleep in the bed next to you, I tell you everything that happens in my life because I know you won't judge me, I only expect that you think the same as me. I wouldn't yell at you and tell you that you should break up with him, I would listen, give you my opinion, and then tell you that you should do what you feel, because its your decision. I had someone yell at me for years about a guy, and I never listened, and wish I would have. I've always considered myself a really great friend, if I'm you're friend, I'm going to go above and beyond for you, because in the end, friends and family are all you have, and you should cherish them. I'm not mad that you didn't wanna talk to me, I'm just hurt because I thought you would always talk to me if you needed something.