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If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you’re good enough. Just do it. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself.

Glennon Doyle Melton “Carry On, Warrior” (via dancer68844)

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3 months or 14 weeks post-op

In the time between when I last wrote and now, a lot has changed. I have hiked up a mountain for 20 minutes and back down for an additional 20. I have worked 2 8-hour shifts waitressing at the restaurant and though my knee got tired towards the end, there was no swelling or any pain. I have participated in a full ballet barre and was able to do everything (though in baby turnout). I was on a treadmill doing “walking school” as they call it (preparing your legs for the movement pattern of running) before jogging 3x 90 seconds at 6.5km/h. I am not a runner at all but damn did that feel good! I have done some squat jumps. I have also been able to sit on my heels with my full weight when warmed up for a couple weeks now. I have had no pain in the knee for a while, only when I repeatedly bend on one leg does it start to ache which is down to weak muscles rather than inflammation in the joint.

I did however manage to strain my left calf muscle (same leg as the ACL) which means I had to rest this week, which was annoying, but all in all things are looking UP. And very much so! The main thing to work on now is regaining that muscle strength and mass that I lost through the surgery, both in my quad and the hamstring. I have 3 months until I should be strong enough to go to dance class, so here’s to 3 months of hard muscular work! I can’t wait. But when I look at how far I’ve come since the surgery, it is a realistic time frame. It is just a different kind of work from now on.

Really I want to write about things I am grateful for today. Things that were brought to me through this injury, that have taught me that everything has a silver lining, everything happens for a reason, and that focusing too much on one thing will keep lots of other great things from coming to you.

First, singing. Yes, I’ve always sung and enjoyed singing, but because I was so focused on being a dancer I didn’t take the time to improve my singing, or rather to get comfortable with defining myself as a singer also. In the past 3 months, I’ve worked on my singing a lot and I got myself a vocal reel. And I am actually happy with the reel. I have two singing auditions on Monday, one of which I got through my agent and the other I got myself with my reels. This, to me, is already success. People want to see me for lead singing roles based on my vocal reel! I’ve worked my arse off this week to be able to present good songs on Monday and I have come a long way since I started practising these particular songs. Mainly, singing is starting to get into my body, I feel my body connect to help my vocal folds produce sound without pressure or strain. I am starting to get an understanding for what ‘support’ is and means, and how much it is NOT using your abs and diaphragm. I am learning which parts of my body to relax and which ones to activate and lengthen in order to give my larynx the support it needs. 3 months ago I would have had NO CLUE. I’m not saying I know everything now, not by a long way, but I am starting to get an understanding and a physical connection to what is meant to be happening. And this, in turn, is allowing me to get much more pleasure through singing! It used to feel like hard work, now it feels free. Thank you Emma Trow (people in London and Manchester, seriously go get yourself a lesson).

Secondly, Jack Canfield’s books. I won’t say too much about this, but if you’re looking for some guidance on purpose and how to take your life into your own hands, THIS is the one! If you already know what I’m talking about, go watch Julie & Julia if you haven’t already. Such a wonderful, inspiring film. Also, the Headspace app.

Thirdly, time with my family. I had been living away from home for 3 1/2 years prior to the injury and the most time I spent at home was 4 weeks. I have been home for 5 months now, and though involuntarily, it has allowed me to reconnect to my home and spend some quality time with my family, not to mention the fact that I would not have made it through any of this without their support.

Fourth, the relationship with my boyfriend has only become stronger through this. Yes, long distance sucks, but damn we are rocking it! He has been here to help me through this difficult time for weeks and weeks, and it has only made us happier and stronger. And my family love him, which is obviously a plus, although not really a surprise!

Fifth, I really do think becoming a rehabilitation specialist for dancers and gymnasts could be a career path that I would be very interested in after my time pursuing a career on stage. I would never have gotten to know how interesting I find this work if I hadn’t been injured. 

Sixth, with some distance and a different perspective I have realised how fed up I really am of working in retail/gastro jobs for random companies, doing something I don’t enjoy for (close-to) minimum wage. And this even though I have a yoga teaching certificate and the fact that I love teaching yoga! So, with this new perspective, I have decided to spend my remaining time in Germany making some money working at the restaurant, and when I get back to London I will use this money as a buffer so I can take the time to actually start a business teaching yoga. More specifically, I want to teach yoga to actors and other creatives. I hope and believe that with my knowledge about the body, about alignment and connection I can help creatives that don’t focus on the body but need it for their work nonetheless really connect to the right places in their bodies. I will put my energy into getting in touch with acting and musical theatre companies, acting schools and creating a website to get this going. I will also be teaching individual lessons in person or via Skype. It would have taken me a much longer time to realise how much I want to be making money doing something I enjoy in between performing jobs had I not been given this new perspective through this injury.

Lastly, and most importantly, this time recovering from injury is teaching me to trust in myself, trust in what life hands you, and to keep calm. It seemed so devastating and it still does sometimes, but in hindsight it has brought me many positive things. I have experienced how magical the healing powers of the human body is. I have gotten to know my body better. I have gotten to know myself better through these experiences. I have become a calmer, more positive person. I have become simply grateful for a lot of things. Sometimes, after a few hours of walking, I realise I haven’t been thinking about how much longer I will have to walk. I am thankful to have legs that carry me. I am thankful to have a healthy body. I am thankful to have good skin tissue that is helping my scars to fade quickly. I am thankful that I am able to do an 8-hour shift without problems. I am thankful that my body allows me to do my morning yoga with no modifications needed. I have joy every time I feel my hamstring working. Of course I am ACHING to get back dancing and I miss it so much. It still feels like I am missing a part of me - I honestly think that before this injury, I hadn’t spent a single day not doing at least a little twirl since I was 10 years old. Of course it’s hard. But I am thankful for all the reflection I’ve been able to do thanks to this injury, for all the things I’ve learned and for all the ways I’ve become stronger and more focused. Bring on the last 6 months to full recovery.

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7 weeks post-op

I just wanted to take this opportunity to report of my FANTASTIC PT session this morning.

I have regained “full flexion” (as defined by a non-dancer; I still can’t sit on my heels and that is unacceptable in the long run but for now it’s great), so we are no longer working on ROM. We are now working on tight muscles and tendons�� My Iliopsoas was screaming for 20 minutes there, and so was my IT band. But progress is progress!

Rehabilitation training afterwards was so much fun today! I started off with 10 minutes on the elliptical on level 2 today (happy days! last week level 1 was a challenge) and then moved on to the stability equipment. I’ve been doing wobble boarding and trampoulining for 7 weeks, so doing something different was exciting today! Training suddenly became so much more functional! Here’s what I did: - 1-legged balancing standing sideways on the swinging board, 5x 30s per leg - 1-legged balancing on the cushion side of a Bosu, barefoot, threading leg from front flexion to backwards extension, 5x 5 repetitions per leg - balance walking on a big rope laid out on the floor, barefoot, 5 min - calf rises standing on a step, 3x 15 - backwards leg extensions (for glutes and hamstrings) with one ankle attached to the cable machine, 7.5kg resistance, 3x 15 per leg - lateral leg adduction (for adductors and quad) with one ankle attached to the cable machine, 7.5kg resistance, 3x15 per leg - leg press with feet on an air cushion and a miniband around my legs for equal weight distribution and full muscle engagement, 35kg resistance, 3x 15

A lot of the time, the supporting leg is working so much harder than the active leg. It made me realise how weak my glutes and inner thighs have become, but it felt so good to be doing exercises that are more functional and holistic than isolated muscle flexion! Also, doing some of these exercises with no shoes made me realise how much I’ve been neglecting my feet and ankles - they were working hard today. I can’t wait for Thursday when I have my next training session, but the above exercises will definitely stay a part of my regular training regime!

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It took me 7 weeks but I finally got myself to watch a video of what was done to my knee, and I’ve got to say that after the initial disgust I actually found this really fascinating. This is exactly what doctors did to my knee 7 weeks ago, down to every little detail except they didn’t use screws to secure the graft in the tunnels but instead something they call surgical buttons. If you get easily disgusted by gorey stuff I suggest you don’t watch this, but if you might find it interesting go ahead and take a look! The amount of pain I was in after the surgery definitely makes sense after seeing this though.

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6 week check-up

Exactly 6 weeks ago today, I had arthroscopic ACL reconstructive surgery using a hamstring autograft. Today, I had my check-up with the surgeon.

First things first: everything is good, it’s stable and my range of motion is good. I am allowed to drive again (yay!) and I can walk around without the annoying leg brace.

Now. From the second I opened my mouth, my surgeon started getting angry at my physiotherapist for pushing too hard too soon, although there was no physiological evidence of pushing too hard too soon let alone any damage, but sure. He said to stop working into hyperextension as it puts additional strain on the new ligament. Okay. But for some reason, he started telling me I was doing too many exercises that put strain on my knee (with no knowledge of which exercises it was I have been doing) and basically told me I am doing things that I was explicitly told not to do. LET’S GO BACK IN TIME A BIT SHALL WE? When I was in the hospital the days after the surgery, he came into my room at 7.30am every morning with 10 doctors in training trailing behind him, would ask me “How are you feeling today?”, I would reply “A little better than yesterday, thank you”, he would look at my leg for about 3 seconds, say “looks good” and be gone again. No time to ask questions, no instructions of any kind. On the day I was sent home, a trainee doctor came into my room in the morning and handed me a sheet with instructions for the first 6 weeks (instructions about extension and flexion and very little else) and the referral to my GP. A few minutes later there was a nurse who gave me painkillers to take home. Nothing else. I didn’t see my surgeon that day, he didn’t give me any further post-op instructions. The one person who did give me some personal instructions was the physiotherapist in the hospital (shout out to you Tim, you were great). What he said was to be very careful the first 2 weeks and not put any weight on it in that time, and then to trust my physiotherapist. Which I did, hurray! Now my physiotherapist, granted, is no surgical specialist, but also the surgeon is not the one who is working on my leg with me after the surgery. “My” physiotherapist is the official physio for Frankfurt’s premier league football team (we were careful to choose someone who is familiar with this injury), and since ACL tears are a very common football injury, I trust that he knows what he is doing. Back to the meeting with my surgeon. I honestly find it audacious to give me next to no information on what to do or not to do in these 6 weeks between surgery and check-up and then use the check-up time to tell me off for not following your non-existent instructions DESPITE the fact that everything is good, stable and healing well! Honestly the only reason I know the rough recovery timeline is because I informed myself and read a few books. What he could/should do is tell me all is well but that I should have some more patience and take it a bit slower. Anyway.

Here comes the cherry on top:

I then asked him for some sort of future timeline to get on the same page. One of the things he said was that I can only start doing rotational movements (in my case pirouettes and the like) at 6 months post-op. When I expressed a little shock at this, this was his response: “Yeah, well, if you were a professional athlete who depends on this to make a living, like football players, I suppose you would push it a bit more, but in your case…” [This is a man who has seen me multiple times before the surgery, whom I have definitely, explicitly told that I am a professional and professionally trained dancer and injured myself in an audition for a job.] I was lost for words. I was glad that my dad was first to respond, with some surprise: “…But she is a professionally trained dancer who is looking to make a living out of her profession?” *awkward silence*

I only have 1 word for this: IGNORANCE. I couldn’t believe it. I realise he is the specialist and that the information he is giving me is crucial and important. But I also know that he only ever sees his patients at the time of surgery, 6 weeks post-op and 6 months post-op, never in between (unless something goes wrong). He doesn’t know how coordinated I am, how quickly or slowly my body builds muscle, how quick and trained my body is in building proprioception / how much proprioception I already have due to the fact that I have professional dance training. The people who do know those things are my physiotherapist and the rehab specialists at the rehab training gym I go to.

I will assume he was having a bad day because there was literally no other reason to get that offended by my recovery behaviour (which btw is having only positive results!!!), and what I will take away from this meeting is that everything looks good with my graft. I will continue to work with my physiotherapist the way I have been doing, because that has been working; I am pain-free and nearly without swelling at this point. I don’t understand what there is to be so angry about. Except maybe the fact that my surgeon is too ignorant to recognise professional dance as an actual profession that includes extraordinary physical exertion and that you can actually make a living off of.

All in all, it was a fantastic check-up with only positive vibes!

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So let’s dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more.

for KING & COUNTRY (via songxzitate)

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6 weeks post-op

I was equally excited and apprehensive of this past weekend of acting workshops. I hadn’t spent much time on my legs or trying to walk longer distances since a slightly traumatising supermarket experience that ended with me returning to the car early, crying in pain, with my boyfriend half-carrying me. However, I did 5 hours of workshops on Saturday, and 2 hours each on Sunday and Monday, plus journeying on public transport with [wait for it] NO PAIN OR DISCOMFORT whatsoever! No additional swelling afterwards either. I am thrilled and quite frankly a little proud of my little knee. Victory! ALSO (and this is important) I am walking completely normally again. Until a few days ago I had a pinching pain under my knee cap every time I went into extension, which makes that slightly swinging forward movement in walking super uncomfortable. So until a few days ago I was still faking normal walking. Now it is actually back, at full pace and everything!

Physio and PT today was GREAT too. My physiotherapist is super happy with how my knee is doing, swelling is nearly gone completely at this point and flexion is improving rapidly without me even trying. The surgeon’s instructions were to strictly not bend over 90° for 6 weeks, but my physio is more of a if-it’s-not-hurting-why-not kind of guy, so he’s been manipulating it a little bit and I am now more than halfway between 90° and full bend with no pain or even discomfort at all. The main thing that needs work now is (hyper)extension, but even that is nearly the same as my healthy leg again. Happy days! Afterwards in physical therapy I got to go on the ELLIPTICAL for the first time since injurying myself! It felt so good to be doing something that is kind of full-body and, more importantly, symmetrical to both sides, I had to stop myself from crying. I miss proper movement sooooooo much. Again, no pain or discomfort at all! I moved on to harder 1-legged balancing and stability exercises, and they feel more stable each time I do them. I also did an exercise transitioning from standing on one leg with the other flexed in front to threading it through into ‘arabesque’ which was hard but achievable, and it was the closest I’ve gotten to having to coordinate a penché in months so it was exciting.

At PT today I met a fellow patient who somehow managed to tear his ACL, MCL, both menisci and another piece of cartilage in an amateur basketball game in November. He had surgery more than 2 months before me but he was barely any further in his recovery than me, because he had to keep off his leg for so much longer due to all the damage. He has a total predicted recovery time of 18 MONTHS. It just showed me that, you know, I’m kind of ‘lucky’. Lucky at least to have torn exclusively my ACL and nothing else - there was some minor damage to my MCL and the lateral meniscus, both of which had cured themselves before the surgery.

Speaking of surgery, tomorrow I have my 6 week follow-up appointment with my surgeon. I am excited/nervous to hear what he has to say! Hopefully it is all healing well and the transplant is grabbing on nicely. Some of the questions I have for him: - is my progress good? Better than average? - when will I be allowed to drive a car again? - when will I be able/allowed to do 1-legged strength exercises again? - why does it uncomfortably pull on my scar when I am flexing my leg in turnout? - how long do I have to keep wearing that annoying brace for? - am I allowed to work into full flexion now? - am I allowed to do resistance training in open-chain now, e.g. hamstring curls (because my hamstrings are in dire need of some attention)? - one of my scars has a little part that is slightly ‘stuck’. Is this bad?

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Barbora Hruskova

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GOALS

So, to keep myself going and motivated, I think it would be useful to create a list of goals. Each time I achieve one, I can tick it off with the date and give myself little experiences of progress and success. Not necessarily in this order:

1. jog 2. run 3. swim (not paddle but breaststroke) 4. little hops and sautés 5.a jump, forwards and back 5.b jump, lateral jumps 6. leap 7. do a full ballet barre in baby turnout 8. do a full ballet barre in full turnout 9. squat 10. sumo squat 11. relevé on one leg 12. 1/4 pirouettes 13. 1/2 pirouettes 14. 1 full pirouette 15. multiple pirouettes 16. go for a long walk without pain 17. sit on my heels 18. do a full yoga class with no modifications 19. have the same amount of strength in both legs 20. have the same amount of flexibility in both legs 21. do a tap class 22. do a full ballet class including turns and jumps 23. do a full commercial class 24. do a full jazz class 25. do a full-blown dance audition 26. regain full hyperextension 

I’ll probably think of more and will add them to the list as I go. Also, while I’m at it, I might as well add the following general goals to my list:

- be able to do box splits - be able to hold yoga elbow arm balances - generally improve upper body strength

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Fitness

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5 Weeks Post-Op

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted! So let’s take this in order, shall we?

PRE OP I regained full ROM, I was able to walk pretty much normally again and PT was kind of fun - who knew all the wonderful things you can do with a BOSU!

THE SURGERY Right, so I was actually terrified of the surgery. My eyes were just tearing all the way down to the OP - like not emotional crying, just non-stop tears. Being put under felt strange, and it probably would have been scary but the oxygen they gave me through that mask was like a drug. One second I was snotty and crying, the next as they put the oxygen mask on my face I was clear-headed and snot-free. It was like being high. The anaesthetic kicked in much slower than I was expecting and limb by limb it felt like my body was being pulled down towards the earth like lead. Such a strange sensation. I woke up expecting to have zero pain, but the pain was actually a strong 7/10 as I woke up. I was shouting for painkillers immediately and they gave me 5 different pills and injections but when after an hour they still weren’t helping they finally decided to give me opium (and I am really not a sissy when it comes to pain AT ALL but let me tell you, you don’t know the pain that comes from someone drilling holes into your bones until you’ve had it). The opium worked and I remember little from that day. People visited, my boyfriend was there all day but it’s all very cloudy. The one thing I do remember is that I tried my hardest to stay awake for visitors, and when my boyfriend said “come on Sarah, get some sleep, you look exhausted” I was out like a light from one second to the other. The rest of the hospital experience involved a lot of painkillers, some wonderful bed pan experiences that have rid me of all my dignity in front of both the nurses and my boyfriend who was literally there all day helping me through the whole thing (thank you so much, it would have been so much worse without you there!), and getting a drainage tube pulled from my knee in full consciousness - let me tell you, getting a solid plastic object pulled through what is essentially a gigantic bruise is the opposite of fun. Also, I wish someone had told me what a task it is to wash yourself when you can’t stand and mustn’t get your knee wet. BUT I survived all 4 days of being hospitalised and they sent me home with some painkillers and the ability to bend to 90 degrees.

POST OP So immediately after the surgery, your body needs to recover from having had full anaesthesia. This involves everything waking up again, including your digestive tract. This took my body 6 days and some help. Let that be enough said. Another thing that needs to wake up is the area surrounding the knee where they made incisions and poked around in your knee, including the 2 (not 1 as planned, apparently my tendons are super thin and stretchy yay) hamstring tendons they took out to replace the ACL with. I was expecting pain in the knee, but somehow did not prepare myself for the fact that getting tendons snapped off the back of your leg clearly will also be painful. When everything else had stopped hurting, I still couldn’t sit down properly. There was also some painful, hard bruises but with regular massaging they went away pretty quickly. The strangest experience was the fact that my muscles didn’t react the way I was used to for a while after the surgery. Laying on my front and trying to bend my leg was literally impossible, as was lifting my leg to the front when sitting down. All that comes back, but it’s a scary experience.

I wasn’t allowed to bear weight on my leg until they removed the stitches 14 days after the surgery, and then could only to pilates exercises for another 2 weeks. In 4 weeks, you lose A LOT of muscle. My left thigh is concave and I am working hard on building muscle now. In these 5 weeks post op I have achieved: - walking without crutches almost normally again - being allowed in water again with my whole body - technically only allowed to bend to 90 degrees but my physiotherapist is pushing it in passive bend and it easily bends to 110 degrees with no pain or discomfort already - have regained full extension and am working on hyperextension - roughly an inch missing compared to my healthy leg - swelling has nearly disappeared completely - allowed to do resistance training again (went up from 20kg to 45kg on the leg press in the past week) - can do floor barre as long as I don’t bend further than 90 degrees (yay!) 

All that is actually pretty amazing and quick, my PT tells me I’m doing very well. Still I have recently had a few rough days where I couldn’t get myself to do any more than lie on the sofa and mope around. It has been 3 months (since I injured myself) without dancing now, longer than I’ve spent not dancing in over 10 years, and I really really really miss it. More than you can imagine (unless you’ve been stuck in a similar situation). Before that it was really easy to stay positive and motivated, all the above achievements that are very apparent and easy to track give you lots of energy. But, of course, at some point progress slows down and suddenly you’re reminded of all the things you can’t do and won’t be able or allowed to do for a while. It has become very clear that this journey will be a rollercoaster ride and that it lies solely in my own hands how hard or easy it will be. I have picked myself back up now, I have a singing lesson and a few acting workshops to look forward to this weekend that keep me going and I have a job tutoring kids a few days a week which gives my days at least some purpose outside of PT. And other than that, my days are a lot of binge-watching Netflix, reading and going to the gym. One week from today I have a first check-up with the surgeon who repaired my knee and I’m excited to see what he says!

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