daisybelles

[daisybelles]

I hit 147 today. I haven’t hit that in months and months and months even after starving myself some days. Tomorrow it will probably go up to 150 bc I am dehydrated.

[daisybelles]

I swear you guys if you are a heavy drinker and you stop, you may very well lose weight. I’m down 5-7 lbs after a month tomorrow of just not drinking daily/every other day. I still have had a few drinks here and there, but no more heavy drinking and no more binging. I’ve been cooking my food instead of fast food or take out, and my body is feeling so much better. Alcohol really is poison.

[daisybelles]

Gotta get in a short run at lunch. Need to.

[daisybelles]

Deeeeeehydrated @ 148.

Idk.

[daisybelles]

Tomorrow is gonna suck bc I am gonna weigh more than today.

[daisybelles]

Well last night was the first night I got drunk since like mid January. I would be mad at myself but honestly that’s pretty good. And it got that craving out of my system.

148 this morning. I bet I am dehydrated and tomorrow it goes up. This always happens after drinking.

[daisybelles]

Wellllll if you’re like me and have alcoholic tendencies, I’m now convinced it’s the reason I wasn’t losing. Here is my weight for proof -

So from 1/16-2-5 I went from 155 to 146/148 the last 2 days. The only thing I did differently these last few weeks was that I stopped heavily drinking every other night. I haven’t been restricting at all. The weight just slowly came down the last two weeks as you can see in the charts. And with cutting out drinking, it pretty much cut out all fast food for me too.

I have no idea what I’m doing but I think this limited-drinking life is better for me. I literally lost 7ish pounds in the last few weeks with just that change. And guys, my drinking was bad. I was at a minimum of 33 drinks a week. Maximum probably 40. I feel better during the day now. I can actually get up in the morning and on weekdays I don’t need be working/napping all morning to get through it. My body is SO much less bloated. I can see a difference in my face and in my abdomen. The bloating was getting really really bad, I just looked puffy all over. I knew I couldn’t stop cold turkey, because like I’ve said before I have an all-or-nothing mindset, so I do allow myself a few drinks just a few times a week, but I haven’t gone over 3 in one sitting. Which is absolutely amazing, I was crushing a case of 12 White Claw in an evening more. And my sleep has gotten so much better. It was absolutely terrible a few weeks ago before I cut back.

Sorry for the long post, but, if you’re drinking a lot, it may be best to cut it back 2x a week w less drinks if you can. It was really hard for me to do initially, but I think worth it.

[daisybelles]

Wellll wellllll wellllllllll I only had 5.5 drinks total this week, the entire week, which is insanely extremely rare and that’s down from my last few week average of about 33 per week. I’m not exaggerating, because I have been drinking like 3 times a week lately and most times 2 nights a week I’d have a case of 12 white claws and then 9 on another night when I felt like I couldn’t drink as much. I know. It’s a lot. And I knew I couldn’t stop cold turkey. So 5.5 is a huge success. I’m gonna try to keep it up. It seemed to help just having one drink w dinner when I was craving it. It’s embarrassing that I drank so much, but I’m working on cutting it back. I think I can keep it up.

[daisybelles]

I literally might have gotten roofied two nights ago and in a messed up way it fixed my sleep schedule. Do not recommend. Taking a drug test today to check for it, but it wasn’t last night it was the night before, so it could be out of my system by the time I take the test. Will probably take a hair follicle test later this month if this is negative to check. I had 1.5 glasses of wine when I was out, I did turn my back on my drink multiple times, so yeah I wasn’t being as careful as I should. Watch your drinks when you’re out.

[daisybelles]

[daisybelles]

I got out my journals from 2020 today, and I plan on transcribing them into a word document to create a book. 2020 was a messed up year for me, not just because of Covid. I had gone through a breakup right at the end of 2019, and during 2020 I was literally mentally unstable. It was terrible. But I kept journals about it during a few parts of the year, and I want to compile it all together. Honestly it makes for a really great and terrible story.

I finally started some good habits, and this is A LOT for me. Today was the first day I actually accomplished a lot of habits I want to put in place. They are real simple but doing them all in one day feels so overwhelming. They are:

Wash my face in the morning

Read Jesus Calling (you don’t have to believe in Jesus or God, it’s a very good morning meditation to read in my opinion)

Run/workout

Do dishes once a day

Wash face at night (few step process)

Floss/brush teeth/mouthwash

No alcohol

Starting tomorrow I am adding

Take one picture/video of self per day

Write for 2 hours

The write for 2 hours may seem like a lofty goal, but this isn’t creative writing. It is me transcribing already written journals to a word document, so it’s just typing out what I have already written. I think that’s the goal I am most afraid I will not achieve. Like just sitting and doing it.

And I mean everything else might look stupid to someone else, right? Like making sure I wash my face and brush my teeth? But it isn’t stupid. I felt really accomplished doing all of those things in one day, because it has been challenging to me lately and I didn’t even realize it. I really felt like I was achieving nothing, and now I feel like I’m taking care of myself.

The only area of life I’m not sure what to do about is my eating disorder honestly. I want to be healthy and I don’t want to be healthy. I want it because it helps me feel control. But I hate starving myself, but I love starving myself. It’s such a messed up mindset and I know it, but I don’t want to let it go. I’m going to try to focus on accomplishing my daily tasks and then I guess see how I feel. I don’t know how to just eat normal anymore. It’s like I only have two extremes, barely anything or binge. I don’t know how to just be healthy. It all looks like too much food when it’s a healthy day and I feel bloated and gross.

I want to meal prep and I don’t. Gosh.

Also Tuesday was only officially my first day of no drinking bc I had drank Sunday night and that went into Monday morning. It’s literally been one day and I feel like it’s been days lmao.. my drinking is out of hand. I really need to stick to no alcohol. At least try for 30 days. I know some people are doing dry January and I’m late w it, but at least like.. try for some days in a row. Idk. Maybe I won’t get to 30 but maybe I can at least do the rest of January.

I think that’s why even the little goals of like, making sure I wash my face every day scares me. Because I’m a very all-or-nothing kind of person. If there’s a chance I miss a day, then why bother? Which makes no sense. Because even if I accomplish it 5 out of 7 days a week, that’s still great! That’s way more than I was doing before.

I’m like.. a little down right now. I just am.

[daisybelles]

Yeah I’ve binged tf out of the last week and it’s been bad. Not even like a day where I’m slightly over, just like every single day bad. It was my period and laziness. Really lazy. I am too scared to weigh myself now. F.

[daisybelles]

I hate myself rn.

[daisybelles]

Like can I just not have disordered eating and thinking anymore and just do the healthy girl thing and get fit and eat food in 2022? No? Ok

I went on a 2 mile run, 7:26 pace, I haven’t eaten a thing today, and I’m scared to eat bc I’m insane. And I can’t weigh myself for a few days at least bc I’m on my period and it’ll make me hate myself. This isn’t fun. I’m literally scared to eat and why. This is why I drink.

Also broke up w my boyfriend, he was being controlling and I was getting really uncomfortable. I thought he wasn’t like that but oh well.

For real tho I need to go buy some veggies n shit from the grocery store. Today just isn’t fun. 😣

[daisybelles]

Haven’t updated in a few days, binged TF out of yesterday and had a good day today. 😞

I had asked my boyfriend to give me space, and I think I’ve come to this realization I just don’t think this will work long term. And I have to end it. And I don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt him. But I am not happy.. I rushed into this relationship so fast. Because I’d been dating for 2 years, I was ready for a relationship, and on our third date he took me on a picnic (something I mentioned I always wanted and never got as a date) and he said that he just wanted to make me stupidly happy.. and we’re just not compatible. There’s been too many red flags for being 2 months into this that I just can’t do it anymore. I feel so bad.

[daisybelles]

I drink because I get bored and lonely and no one can stop me and for a second I feel better. Until the next morning. Why am I like this. I’d like to stop and I also don’t want to stop. Honestly mentally arguing w myself whether or not to go buy a bottle tonight.

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow feeling like crap but I don’t want to be sober 😭

Also why is Tumblr’s ad like “only one more week to see if frogs dominated your posts this year!” And like no it’s eating disorders and drinking for sure I’m a depressed bitch lmao

[daisybelles]

So I am 151.6. Lol I mean I have been stuck at this point for days and days but it’s my fault. Honestly I treated the day after Xmas and the next day (the 26th and 27th) like I didn’t even care or something. Jokes on me, I do care.

I really want to try my best to get to 149 soon. I just feel like if I could breakthrough that would give me that push I need.

Definitely not eating for a few more hours today, and when I do it will probably be meat and veggies. I was doing really good with tracking it and then I just stopped. Why did I do that.

Ok all the hashtags I followed are like.. gone 😭😭😭