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March 22, 2019.

8:40am.

Got a big test today at 1045. If i pass all 4 sub tests I'm officially ready to be a senior intern and teacher.

And if I fail, at least the prices to retake have dropped.

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Saturday, March 9, 2019. 5:09pm.

It’s amazing what one post will do. 

You can tell people you’re tired. You can tell people you’re stressed. But until you put it down into words and show up at their door in tears, that’s when they see a glimpse of it. That you aren’t just saying “you’re tired” or “stressed.” 

But things are better. Stress is being let go, not absorbed to explode at a later date - at least for now. And that’s probably a good thing because the mil had the audacity to ask last night “if the housework had gotten done.”

You know what? After all that stress to get to the halfway mark and pass a really big test, no, the housework isn’t done. And do you think I did it today? Hell no I did not - I treated myself to relaxing and playing games like I do when I want to de-stress. Yes, my house is a mess, the dishes are dirty, laundry is piled high to the ceiling. I still have school work that needs to get done before Monday because there is no “spring break” when you’re half a year away from graduating with a bachelor’s degree - at least not with this program, nor with the schedule I’m on. 

But I won’t say anything. Mercury is in retrograde which means a lot of screwy things are happening, and it’s already a mess. On top of that, it’s new moon time (which I’m always affected more by than the full moon), and it’s not worth the fight. 

I didn’t get to get pictures of the last two days of tarot. I’m trying to continue it, but bubbs is getting super clingy. We think he’s going through separation anxiety and teething of the upper top teeth, so it’s been pretty crazy around here to say the least. 

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Wednesday, march 6 2019

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Tuesday, march 5, 2019.

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March 4 - March 10, 2019.

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Saturday, March 2, 2019

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Thursday, February 28, 2019.

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Wednesday, February 28, 2019.

10:17pm.

Today was one of the hardest days of this semester by far.

Things have been sitting on my chest, weighing me down. Due dates, certification tests, the house, motherhood, finances. I feel like I'm trying to tell those around me that I'm choking, that I can't breathe, and all I get is a thumbs up, pat on the back, and "Everything is fine! You've got this!"

But what if I don't? What if I forgot to turn in an assignment because so much was going on this weekend, and I feel like I'm falling behind? What if I hate having to go to a classroom twice a week where my peers have already established their own cliques, even so to the point that I was left out of the group chat for our group presentation today and was told, "Oh, I meant to message you! I guess I forgot." What if every time I think about the pressure put on myself to pass these certification tests I have to fight back an anxiety attack? But don't worry, everything is fine! Just fine!

Yesterday I had my mini-teach. My teacher said that I was a natural,  that if someone walked in not knowing I was a junior intern, that they could easily mistake me for being the teacher. 

That's what is keeping me going. Because I sat there listening and all I could think was to disagree with her. To think I'm not ready. To think I'll never manage it by myself.

I hate my lack of confidence.

I hate my low self-esteem.

I hate feeling like I don't belong, that I'm not good enough.

I hate that I feel like I suck at motherhood because I feel like I'm never around.

I hate that I can't just tell people like it is because I'm afraid I'll get them angry at me or feel like I'm not thankful/grateful for their help.

I hate that I feel alone in this journey because I have no mom/school friends that can relate to my situation.

I hate that I can't just put myself out there to make friends that could relate to my situation.

I guess, in summary, I really just dislike myself a lot right now.

But, there's always a rainbow after the storm. The gorgeous thing is, tomorrow is a new day.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2019.

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Monday, February 25, 2019.

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February 25 - March 3, 2019.

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Sunday, February 24, 2019.

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Saturday, February 23, 2019.

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Friday, February 22, 2019.

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Thursday, February 21, 2019

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Wednesday, February 20, 2019.