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[dailylifeblogs]

The journey commences-IIM Indore

I've always sought for magic in life. Many beliefs uprooted, a few persisted. Those that did, got only strengthened by the belief of it concluding on a magical note someday. And today is such a day.

I am ecstatic to announce that I am joining the prestigious Indian Institute of Management Indore for PGP in Management. I have always wished to be part of this lively city, never knew it would be at IIMI. I extend my gratitude to my mentors at mbaguru and to all those who ever wished for my success. Blessings play a latent role in our lives in the form of inner strength, intuition and wisdom. Whatever the journey brings, I look forward to great learning, companionship and strength to beat all odds.

A long way to go, a continuous endeavor for moments when the magic unfolds.

[dailylifeblogs]

What comes from inside.

April 17,2024

From last 3-4 days, I've been hopping on from one book to another only to find that its incomprehensible and engaging to the level that pleases my unsettled mind. The books belong to the diverse topics my mind is currently visiting- business, social science, math, physics. When none could arrest my mind, I yesterday got irritated and started contemplating about how to focus this all pervasive, ubiquitous energy into one path.

To add to the ongoing bewilderment, UPSC 2023 results came out yesterday. Now upsc I would say, is the most glamourous exam on India. Its the shining armor in the eyes of people who themselves or through their children aspire to clear it. This over the top craze is rooted in people's undying belief in govt jobs. And upsc is the path to reach what is considered unfathomable glory , respect and power. Its difficulty is exalted by its mere conversion rate of less than equal to 0.1%.

My classmate till class 12 cleared it in her first attempt. Receiving the obvious recognition she deserved for achieving this fleet, my parents couldn't resist the look of expectation they had from me for trying upsc. This disturbs me. Its like whatever you do is not enough unless you clear upsc or you're always lesser.

That girl had this aim since class 9. She started studying immediately after school. Now I never had such a long term goal. Even my MBA decision came only after college ended. Aren't such people are likely to be less scccessful than the ones who have worked everyday for years. Even today, I have cleared CAT. I am about to get admission. But there's this hollow space that is insatiable. What achievement would give me that feeling of self worth, I wonder. I desire the recognition that I was accustomed to during the school. How many people in my town would understand even if i get admitted to an IIM?Succumbing the trend in india, I see myself getting drawn towards upsc.

I havent been able to continue with something that I havent felt strongly about. I very much believe in my inner voice. We seek what we don't believe. Because what we believe, we find the answers within us. For instance, I never searched for multiple coaching institutes. I had this inner inclination towards MBAguru and I finalized it at once. Logic has little role to play when we believe. If I have to do upsc, I need to listen to my inner voice.

Even if i decide to do, there are many multidimensional challenges to it. MBA and high profile jobs thereafter demand 100% attention. And that too when I want to stay at the top. Moreover with growing age, other priorities need to be attended to. Managing relationships while preparing for exam, also planning for marriage and taking care of parents are a whole lot of impediments. That is why, early 20's is a good time to study as you get a favorable environment insulated from other life worries and responsibilities. Thinking about all this fills my heart with fear. I am not audacious enough to put everything else at stake for studies.

Currently the path forward is MBA. I wonder what long term goal, God wants for me. Whatever it is, all I ask is for that strong belief, that inner voice. Otherwise I'll keep sailing in the vast ocean where my energy is focused all over the place and I reach nowhere to the top.

All I ask is for that inner belief and voice. What have I come to do on this earth that makes life worth living.

[dailylifeblogs]

At home-comfort, results expected, uncertinity, no backup

April 6 , 2024

I came home in sept 2023. After CAT , from dec have been preparing for interviews. Entire jan, feb , march went in travles to different cities for interviews. It was unprecedented experience. Got fresh perspectives, open mind and good mental health. Amidst all this, I had the comfort of home. I have never felt so comforting at home. There's this sukoon that I yearned for last 1.5 hrs(the time i was preparing for CAT). I am closer to my parents. I realize of their growing age, their apprehensions, their wisdom, and how I can make thier lives better.

Now as the interviews are finished, results are awaited. With comfort, looms uncertainity- of not getting the college i wish for i.e IIM Indore. Since the day I visited IIM Indore, I've had this affection to that place. And also since everything went well, my hopes are commensurate. Its the only top 6 IIM call that I have. This might sound unhealthy, but I have not thought of any backup college. I dont know what to choose but IIM indore.

I spend hours thinking about this. I look through people's convocation photos from IIM's and picture myself at that position. The comfort of home dosen't appeal to me much now. Earlier i thought of having a good time 2 months- watching movies, reading, writing, singing. Nothing interests me much now. I think some purpose can only keep me uplifted. I am unable to find everyday motivation to do simple things that will help me in the longer rain.

I dont know what I'll do, if not IIM Indore.

[dailylifeblogs]

April 6, 2024

While talking to a friend today, I refelt the pangs of lack of empathy that I can reluctantly have sometimes. He discussed with me of how he has ot support his family and urgently require a job. Also that he has taken a loan on his name. Even though I was considerate, I failed to empathize by putting myself in his shoes(something i was always proud of in me). I admitting my limitations said that I am privileged to have not experienced an aggravated financial condition.

Back home, as my parents returned from school, my mother told that papa has got his retirement letter. This was a shock as the assigned age of retirement was 62, and he has just crossed 60. The entire day was a series of phone conversations, distressed loops of thoughts.

The final decision will be made by committee tomorrow. Even though we are in a strong legal position, but i can never feel the distress he is going through. His biggest life plan of making me stand on my feet weighs heavily on him as i am about to start my MBA this june. While trying to commiserate with him, I said that papa I know I can never stand in your shoes. As a father, you have duties that I can never understand to its depth.

I have never been too worried about things that are not solely in my control, untill there is no scope of any betterment. I've always had this belief that things will end in a better place. This thought might also be impractical sometimes as i am aloof from such life experiences. Kehte hain na , jispar beetti hai, usi ko pata chalta hai.

Now I wish i would have been early. Decided to do mba earlier and planned life accordingly. I was kiddish. Lacked that perspective which big town smart kids had. I could never think that way.

Whatever it is now, I pray that my father's tension subsides and his job stays secure. I have to excel in mba and get the best job offer. I have to support my parents financially, emotionally, in every way.

Chinta humko apni nahi,

Chinta usko hamari hai.

hamare jeevan ka rakshak,

sudarshan chakra dhaari hai....

[dailylifeblogs]

Cycle, delusion, hope, state of mind

If you may ask, what the one thing that is an impediment to my success, its my state of mind. On bad days, i realize this fact very strongly, while on good days I'm more of a carefree person. Good and bad days are the result of my state of mind. Soemdays feel like the world could be won, while on others, i'm crippled with fears, anxieties caused by my imagination. This cycle hasn't stopped form the day i took notice ofit despite trying hard to change the status quo. Except that I had bad days a little more better now , the rest cycle remains intact.

CAT is close to 60 days. An year of preparation, i wonder how will it culminate. Belief that hard work brings out good results keeps me optimistic. But i should also be cautious of not being delusional. The belief shouldn't override my cautious nature towards the future. I fear whta the result will be. Is it possible for the hard work to not pay off becoz the strategy lacks in itself? One year is long to pay the price. I cannot sit on my belief. Impediments need to be ignored at this stage. Brain has developed a habit of creating some artificial bafflements to indulge with, that Cripples the mind. Need to be more connected spiritually. And take notice of smaller things regarding strategy and approach. Not everything is in my control.. I leave the rest to God. Just wishing for the ability to identify what is in my control and knowing the right approach to strategize for that.

Is 6 AM. Pulled an all nighter ( why not if already slept in the afternoon). Hope i do not waste the rest of the day. Hoping more to not get caught in the cycle of good and bad days anymore as no more time left for bad days.

[dailylifeblogs]

2 sept 2023

Hi. Writing after long. Don't know the reason of me not feeling to write or not being able to exhort myself to write atleast once in a while. I hang to an optimistic answer to this as I'm in a diff state of my cat prep, I'm unable to find that time or be in that state to write. Though all this seems excuse. So

I got home on 27th August. Shifted from Delhi to Satna. I year long journey in Delhi taught me a lot. It was different from the time I spent in Delhi during clg years as this time I was on a diff joruney. I was alone, apprehensive at every moment about my career. I am proud that I managed well there. Besides many difficulties especially in the last three months, I persevered.

As the coaching finished , returning home was the best option to resort to. Comfort and and what I call sukoon would keep me in a good state of mind to study. But on the contrary since I came back I had been unfocused, lax. I couldn't care for what lies ahead. Things seemed doable. Concentration was low to less than 40 mins.

Untill today, I got a jolt. It's not easy. That apprehension cannot be forgotten for it is real. I am an year late and it's a do or die situation this time. I cannot stop feeling this fact at any moment now and not care. Aspirations, pressure all is a part that I can't eschew now. Things are tough and I need to accept that. I cannot sit calm.

It's 2.5 months from now. I cannot spare anytime. I have prepared well for an year now. Cannot screw in the last 2 months. Today it may seem a little less to be cared about but not when I'll regret for failing by just 2 months hardwork. IIM in the only way. And these 2 months will decide my path to it. If not now then never.

I pray to God to help me. As I cannot do it by myself. Everyday I need to believe in myself, my preparation, my strategy. And be able to identify my weak points and strategise well.

It's going to be tough, I hope I don't lack the strength to deal with it at any moment. And also that I don't forget that it's going to be real tough.

[dailylifeblogs]

25 July , 2023

Tuesday

Its exact 4 months to CAT. Last week was excellent. Rarely am I motivated and productive for a complete week without any low days in between. After a debilitaating breakdown last sunday and after my parents boosted me up, I was back with full force from monday. But this week didnt get of on a good start. Energy and motivation levels are low. Not feeling driven from inside for the cause. That is why studies are also not to the optimum level.

Ideally scrolling today, came across Vineeeta Singh's post of her IIM Ahemdabad visit and a post of how things changed in 16 yrs. That got me sulking and worrying abour how will I fulfill my dream of IIM in this attitude. IIM Ahemdabad has my heart. Everytime I come across that name, my heart pounds. I really wish to get admission in IIM Ahemdabad. That is my dream college. Although I'm working hard, but i get into self doubt of whether even after all this, i'll be able o get into top IIM. As usual my DILR section is week. My brain gets blank infront of the screen and i am unable tp do comprehend the sets. Now I dread looking and comprehending a set. I can even do some at home, but not during mock time. What is this. I clearly lack focus. How will I crack the questons in a time where every second couunts, where your focus cannot shift for even one second. How do I get there. I might be lacking focus and motivation right now, but I honestly wish to crack CAT and get into to IIM. Nothing less will satisfy me . I fear, if not the top ones, how will I solace myself with whatever I'll get.

IIM Ahmedabad it is. God, give me the strength!

[dailylifeblogs]

22 june , 2023

1.27 AM

After sleeping for two hours , woke up now. Well st. Unusual. Why nit. Had a rough evening and night. 5 months left for CAT. the ride is a rollercoaster. mood shifts every few hours, luckily sometimes can sustain for a day. somedays break my selves with thoughts. wish to go home. anxious for the journey ahead. self doubt pounds me. somedays are filled with excitement, self esteem, the confidence of your self worth. other days are filled with doubts, incapable of achieving. recently french exams are going. studies are already on a stay. why.... lost the strength for a subject, stuck in it... can't see anyway of start it now. it is dilr. have requested to have a session with mentor.... hasnt proceeded through it. new poblem is with inability to solve any mathematical problem.... mind is stuck. ... i know every concept. have been studying for months now. bt now a psychological problem - do not get the stregth to ponder over a problem . write down the values and start thinking over it . my mind is off. this is the worst case scenario. how to restart again. do not want anything again like iit jam. I fear my ability to do. need some help. fear of not being able to do haunts me.

also need to be affected less. am very much affected by people around. mostly by my roommate with whom i spend maximum time. i overthink. think about her every action and therefore also affected by it. how do i care less. how do i not care. i'm too puzzled. how do i give the right direction to my studying. i'm just irrigated by my roommates continous voice. just ranting.

[dailylifeblogs]

Life lessons that corona virus taught us.

Its been not more than 2 years since the time when world seemed to doom. An unprecedented catastrophe struck the world. Corona Virus, that started as any other virus that people thought would make its way out after slight cough and cold reactions. But what it brought with it was a nightmare for most people. The virus whose first case started to appear in India around march 2020, gradually settled for a little over two years. Millions of deaths, suferings, crashing economies, failed health systems, contries locked down, and what not. In a way the world stopped fnctioning.

All this time , people introspected their lives. The world slowed to think what corona virus taught us.

Life is greater than what we think. We never got time to think beyond the daily mundane life unless it made us to do so. There is something higher than humans.

Nature finds its way to teach . We took world for granted, our greed exploited earth of its treasures for their own greed. We considered nothing above us.

Always be prepared. Corona showed us the reality of our not so efficient systems. Healthcare failed with people yearning for a bed in hospitals, oxygen cylinders,..etc. Taking a lesson the governments are now better prepared for any future calamities

You are alone in the world. Some herat wrenching realities struck us down during covid. With People abandoning their own family members to ward themselves, loved ones separted from each other for months, kids who didnt see their parents face for months, lost family members, all this made us realise that we are transient in this world.

Love Hope and Prayers is what we come to. Entire world was praying for that phase to end, for helping people who are suffereing, for giving strenth to those greiving. Love and hope binds us all. Its bigger than anything else.

The world is not same after covid. We are better human beings now with evolved sensibility, humility and belief.

[dailylifeblogs]

Self doubt

Self doubt is good and bad. Some days you are drowned by the weight of your relentless self doubt. One other, yo take solace in the fact that self doubt is a way of introspection. But the conundrum is to know which part is right. Do you realy lack the abilities for which you sulk in despair, or do you actually befit the person you take pride in on good days? Even if you find out a balance and able to pick out a few things that youu lack, and just try to amend it a little everyday, on good days the need for the above gets obviated. Sticking to what you decide is important.

The messiest part especially for me is to keep it simple. I can make even the simplest things convoluted. I always look for better options and that make me restless, feel never satisfied. Even if I pick any one thing and stick to it , it will take me to some point where I'll feel accomplished, and that will naturally lead me to the next thing.

[dailylifeblogs]

31 march 2023

I wont lament today. I feel my inveterate habit of extending everything has become a cause of my inability to express clearly in less words. I have seeked for clarity since I got some brains. Still there are times that prove my hustle went in vain and eventually disparaging me. There is no worse feeling for me than knowing that I'm not good enough at things I long for, work for. My mere impulsiveness , and the immature handling of situations affects me badly . What is even more dreadful is the fragility of my mind that gets affected by even a little trivial discomfort. I question my growth. I doubt if I'm being delusional of my abilities which I take pride on. Do the thoughts of pride and achievement deceive me. How do I know I'm doing better if I feel I'm delusional, who misreads her transient moments of goodness as accomplishment. I'm a person who is relieved only by the belief pf my greatness of thoughts. I'm a person with deep personality. Depth resides strongly in my character. If that belief is tampered, I loose myself.

I fall short of words. And the bad part is its often when I need them most.

From tomorrow i.e 1 April, its only 7.5 months to CAT. Thinking of the time when I was veery much driven and it was more than an year of time, I realize 7 months now are too less. My everyday efforts lack the devotion and time they deserve. When my father says " thoda upar ki socho" I felt his intentions that said, thoda aange ki socho. Limited mat raho. Transcend the boundaries that limit you. My father says everything in a few words. And I can at least take pride in the fact that I always understand him, for his few words are enough to me. And resonate with what I think.

"You need to be involved fully in that atmosphere". I hear you, papa.

I don't trust myself for I lack equability. But I trust God and my people's wishes that will keep me focused and equable.

I ask your help God, for now I devote myself to you, to CAT.

Give me the strength.

[dailylifeblogs]

Mock test-01 Analysis

29 march 2023,

I picked my laptop in haste to write this blog before the neeed and temptation abates and it adds on to the anxiety of one more important yet uncompletetd task. I had my first mocktest today. I chose the nearest slot not thinkinh much about the preparation for it as I considered it as an experience test. Much later at night my friend made me realise that I must have prepared well and must take every test srsly. To repress my guilt pangs, I went through all class notes yet.

I did 8 wrong

VARC - focus wasnt there. Other passages were familier so did some. 1st one was new and skipped as was unable to focus

VA was good. Paragraph summary was right.

FIT all were wrong

DILR section is worst. Did not even attend LR questions. Attempted only Di question and was right.

QA- was most disappointing. Attitude was a litttle careless. Time got less. Questions were average. Could have done more if time.

Attempted =5 right =2 that too those that were absolutely learnt.

Accuracy is lavking. Qestins that could be done alos got wrong owing to the lack of accuracy.

In all disappointing.

Accaracy, focus, LR, repeat to an extent that all is learnt by heart. Rc passage reading . LR, Calclation accuracy

[dailylifeblogs]

28 March, 2023 5:00 pm

Recently saw some videos of essay writing in XAT and WAT. Really intrigued me . The topics that are asked are interesting, informative, and basic. I have decided to start practicing essay writing by writing one every day. But I really have a problem that I have put my thought into many a times. My thoughts ae a mess. I see, listen to some very knowledgably people on internet and their detailed teaching on the topics, and wonder in amazement of how this knowledge is so organized in their head. Like if I tell you mine, even if I know a topic, I have great difficulty in putting it into words. My thoughts are so disorganized that if I try to make notes to facilitate the process of organization, I am stuck thinking where to start, what to write.

The same problem of notes making comes into light in everything I study. I just don't know how to make notes.

Then I am baffled by my self doubt that I don't know the topic enough. I get anxious that I don't know enough even when I'm confident about the topic. I doubt myself thinking for all the books I have read, what use when I cannot retain.

For instance, I recently read Sophie's World and at the end was pretty sure of my confidence in philosophy. But sometimes I can hardly recollect any of it, when a philosophical discussion comes up or I watch some relatable content. What use of studying the entire book then?

I realize that whatever I study is only the tip of the iceberg. and the people whom I watch and am enamored by their knowledge have profound knowledge in their head. They can just go on blindfoldedly whenever you ask them too.

Whatever you feel you're doing enough, remember that it is not . You know no bounds of how far you can go. And there are people who already have gone closer to those boundaries

But the problem of organization is real, and I need to improve that for it reflects how my mind works, how I think.

[dailylifeblogs]

Why the mind is so transient in nature. Sometimes it is so happy unaffected by anything that abates its joyfulness. And some other days, even a slight insignificant thought disrupts its joyful state.

Some topics are better not to think of. Thinking dosent lead to any solution but stress. And my mind is so fragile to be faltered by thoughts that dread me everytime they come up. How to not be affected by it. Or reduce the effect so as to not disrupt the mental peace completely. The matters that disturb me wont end. Atleast not at this stage. So better learn to live with it. And not falter everytime i think abot those matters. Sch days intimidate me for future things that will be more intense, serious. How will I handle that when I stumble . I feel I can only be happy when everything is good with me. Even the thought of living with some things not right creeps me out.

But how is that possible. Well one more thing that Ive realised is that I cannot make a hard decision in life. I'm not that strong. I'll bear whatever life throws on me. Bt I cannot be the cause for the result.

But what would I do when its my turn to take a call? Would I wait for God to throw things upon me ? Or would I make a decision right there? I'm too emotionally weak for this. I cannot.

Emotions keep on oscillating. One day you feel good and nasty the other day. A reel will change my emotions. I'm this touchy.

Just praying not to forget what is actally important in life amidst all this. When I think of all this, for that moment my career starts to deem insignificant to me. Like really. and I feel pathetic. I'm thinking too small. You feel you're in a bondage but how can you live without this bondage ? In some way or other we are stuck.

Oh good lord. When will I become the person of my dreams. A person that is so balanced, strong, clear to handle all this maturely.

I wish one day i stop lamenting and appreciating myself.

[dailylifeblogs]

5 Feb 2023.

You're doing too little

I was worried that the no. of days left for CAT are just 300. Now I feel relaxed as I have as long as 290 days. Why this double mindedness? Somedays are fully devoted and concentrated. Somedays are just more carefree. For last 1 week, my attitude towards studies is shameful. I've become lax with my goal. Why not maintain the right attitude always! It took a, year to come toterms with this realisation of doing MBA. Now when I'm on its path, why not give my best! I sometimes feel these transient motivational thoughts as futile. As untill and unless it dosent hit on your core, it wont give that kick. Have gone through this on my journey to physics entrance exam. Cannot go through the same ordeal now again.

The few days where I'm good with studies boosts me up in a way that makes me lax and carefree for the next few days. Of all I know this is definitely not consistency.

I must understand, what I'm doing is too little. Its not gonna be enough how much I do, because the bar of how much one should do is very high. I'm too petty to look up at that.

[dailylifeblogs]

27 nov 2022

9:50pm

Came home for two days. Reached on 26th morning. Left today rn. Purpose of coming .....CAT exam which I gave as a pre prep for my final exam next year.

I write when I'm overwhelmed with emotions that my inside cannot contain. Everytime I leave, my people my surroundings overwhelm me. Everytime. But sometimes its a bit more like today that compels me to write.

Apart from my obvious parents, my family(people close to me or more accurately.. who can reach me ) do small big things that makes me pause, astound and rethink to be grateful for what I have.

Chotu dada , who comes and spends hours of time from the day i come. Luckily my baba came which coincided with my presence. Even though he is 89, he understands and asks each details about my travel, stay and rest and remembers all.

Rinku mausi.... A part of my life that always keeps me challenged, challenge to question my self, confound my self with intricacies of right and wrong, to stop myself and rethink before doing things that's not a part of our elders book. This conundrums remains unraveled, waiting to be raveled by time.....Till then i stay bewildered in the mess, juggling among the things life throws at me (everyone at my stage), waiting for time to make make peace with life.

One need not to be lost in this bewilderment. Things that come are meant to be for this stage of life. One has to go through it, sometimes pondering , sometimes suffering for getting answers but then leaving all to 'time' and continue with your work.

Got a little too much in that direction.....

Coming to Rohit bhaiya who reached just on time. And laid me with set of chocolates, yet his humbleness speaking -'jaldi jaldi me itna hi laa paaya'.

Papa left a little early as he had to attend an imp wedding. He left and i couldn't have a moment. I regret for not being alert to make time for a moment with him. Just hugged and he left. I saw him going away..... I realised that I'm not gonna see him soon. He's not going for a walk saying aata hoon. 'But I will talk to him on phone'..... I tried to find solace in this but no.....it won't be the same ... He left and I couldn't have a moment with him.

Mausi came inside to drop me at my seat. Just patted me with a smile. The smile says a lot. The smile says everything.......Slipped a 500 rupee note in my hand....and i was again speechless.....

Before leaving home papa came to me with 1000 rupees. I said that i don't need it . We talked earlier too to not take anymore money as if already have. But.....uk

I don't know what other people or people in my circle have special in their life. It i know this for sure...that this....my people....their love....is rare ...is special....

This is god's way of reminding me that you are living not just for yourself, but for these people too. They have hopes. You have to uphold those not just for you, but for them. Yahi tunhara kartavya hai.

Monday starts from tomorrow. CAT is one year away. Earlier I blamed my bad prep to my lack of goal. But now I have one...a clear one. MBA FROM A DREAM COLLEGE. .... Countdown starts now. And as I reach pg. Struggles are many, mostly with my ownself. My unnecessary thoughts, fears , and more more more.....have to fight them , defeat them , for the ultimate purpose.

Your time start now.

[dailylifeblogs]

New November

1 Nov ,2022

1:00 AM

The train is halted at Kanpur Railway station. The sound evening sleep has deprived the me from the night sleep. Just finished Amish Tripathi's Ramchandra series 2nd audiobook : Sita. It was good. But I found it less engaging, and failed quietly to not keep my attention divided. Apparently, nothing stands at par Shiva Trilogy. Amish's true value as an author is evident from the above. I recall my experience of times listening to it, and can feel the same emotion it created then.

Got the side lower seat after ages. Elated by this knowing and also by fortunate and obvious family reasons, I decided to make this train journey a good one.

Now peeping out of the window, looking at the lights, houses, 'jhalars' on them on diwali, people with their baggages on the station , makes me wonder and ponder of the world alikeness.

The more I grow , mature , I understand that people in all places are alike. Distance changes culture, language but the general psychology of people remains constant.

Now as I reach Delhi tomorrow, and start my regular lifestyle, wanting many things to do , and the main thing to do the most out of those many things, I wish to make a routine that I've always longed for. That is for my long life and grows in me everything that a meaningful and successful person needs in life.

All I ask for is that strength and wisdom to God......