dailydoseofyasowltiger

[dailydoseofyasowltiger]

CNY 2021

Happy Chinese New Year! 

For the first time in history there was no food in the table, no wearing of the lucky color, no firecrackers of roman candles, no sticky tikoy to eat at 12MN, -- Zero. I was even in the shower at 12MN, crying my hearts out while I can hear my boyfriend playing Mobile Legends with his friends. -- Twas sad. 

But while I was contemplating of what is happening to my life, I received a call from a Chinese friend who is also not celebrating tonight, he said that business was down and doesn’t want to spend unnecessarily. He said that what matters when it comes to Chinese tradition is our belief and faith that things will happen as long as we manifest them and work hard for them. 

True enough. 

It’s not that we don’t have money but I am not in a speaking terms with my mother. Unfortunately things have gotten worse and right now despite of all the nasty things she did and how she tried to manipulate my life, I still miss her. -- It is so sad to live in this big house and you only have yourself. I silently wished that things are different and we are complete, it could have been a better CNY. 

NEW YEAR? My plans are still the same, always with GP, and go to Germany well, after covid. I hope this pandemic ends so we can all do what we have been wanting to do. Almost a year since the lockdown. -- I pray for a better and healthier world and a healthier state of mind for everyone I love, especially to GP. 

Right before I turned off the lights, I have found the courage to ask him if he still love me. I cried while he was validating his feelings, somehow I have only seen the little things that he wasn’t able to do, and not all the sacrifices and the non-stop choosing and loving me. I immediately said that I am sorry. I feel ashamed. 

Then, I opened up to him about how we get by on some things, like learn how to talk and speak gently to avoid hurts and fights. Then I heard him snore. 

I hope he was able to hear all those things I was telling him. If not, then things will never change. 

ciao!

[dailydoseofyasowltiger]

Fights

Fights when will it all end? 

[dailydoseofyasowltiger]

An Unsent Letter

Today is our monthsary and most of the time I send you letters to your email to let you know what I truly feel inside. Today is quite different, I wanted to write you a letter not sent but prolly let the cloud world know what I truly feel about you and what we have. 

To My GP, the love of my life, 

I could still recall how we started, I was in pain and lost. I cannot share what I have been through to people I know,  so I decided to use an mobile app so I could have someone to talk to. That day when you sent me a message, that was an hour before I wanted to cut my loses and just end my life. Yet, you came on the right time and you let me talk about things that hurts, I remember even telling you that it is easier for us to share sentiments to people who doesn’t know us in a personal level thus they will never judge us or be bias. I know that time I finally found someone who will just listen to me and my rantings about life and the love I lost. I remember also that I got your full attention and never doubted me, when I shared my illness to you, you listen attentively and how you cried knowing that I don’t want to have myself check. You cried as if you care about me so much when on that time I was a complete stranger, and I cried cause you touched my heart like no one else ever did. not that time, To be cared by someone by a complete stranger on my lowest of time, that for me was a blessing. 

Then you started sharing to me a lot of things about you, you as a member of JCIMnl and how badly you ended up with someone who never treated you right. I cried when you are sharing to me how badly she treated you and how I wanted to just hug you during that time knowing we were on the same boat of not being love and respected. 

You shared to me your frustration on things and how you think your life is full of mistakes and that you don’t like how your past have been especially about your failed investment,  So when you were sleeping, I put a instagram post dedicated to you. 

“ You are not your mistake” 

But what made me realize and decided to be with you was when you started sharing how you are as a brother and a family man. I was silently in tears, I was proud of you and I have even made this known to you,  of how those low times made you better and wiser. I was crying cause finally, finally I realize that I found the man I will marry. I wanted everything about you then, but it scared me to go deep with you, so I pushed you away and away and away..to the farthest that I could get you, so you will stop pursuing me. and yet you kept on coming back to me.. 

You told me .. A lot of things, and showed me how it feels to be wanted and love despite of my bad attitude towards you and how bad I treated you. You did a lot of things to me, and sacrificed so much and made me feel how deeply I am love and pursued. -- I was then wasmso scared, and unsure but if there is one thing that I am sure of and about it is only my growing feeling of love for you. 

Until problems started to happen, until you found out who I really was. -- And from that day on, I never get to feel the same love you have given me before. Everyday I blame myself for the things that is happening to me, for how much it hurts me knowing you are hurting me because I hurt you the most. I accepted all angst, all insults, all anger, and everything that you throw my way and just gain comfort knowing that everything will be fine and I have to live just one day at a time until we see each other and all doubts will be gone.  

But what was gone is the person who promised to love me more on my lowest of days. I lost the man who my happiness more than his. I lost the love of the man on its fullest to the point of breaking me in the inside piece by piece until I only have to cling on that one piece of love that I remember of you. 

I read and re-read all your past messages, your emails, all those things you say when things are okay and we are both happy just having “US” in the middle of this crazy and uncertain world we live in.

I live on those days when we are both happy and thrive with my emotions hidden under my sleeves and act as if nothing hurts and everything is okay, and pretend that I didn’t cry the night before on the next day. When you get too angry and hurt me with words that oftentimes break me, I cry in isolation, I cry when you hang up on me, I cried when you don’t answer my 100+ calls and never get a call back the next day.  Countless of times when I feel most unloved I would want to move on and detach myself from you. But my love,  I just can’t do. I would always defend you from my own feelings and justify that everything you did is out of misery of not being with me. 

I am sorry.. 

I AM VERY SORRY ..

It has been almost two years, and more than half of it we were struggling. I didn’t know how we were able to survived the agony of waiting and even if most people told me I am merely “settling-in”, I’d like to think it is the other way around. It is not me who is settling in, it was you and it is you. Because I never grew mad at you, I never take a hold of any grudges on you. I have known grief and misery but I also have never loved someone so much and as deeply as I have for you. -- 

But somehow this made me feel so sad lately. The conflicts in my family, and our fights almost every night, those bad dreams that made me feel like they are real that I end up crying. I am slowly paving in and the baggage of hurts are already slowing me down; and though I am always resilient and moving, I need validation that I am still love and cared about especially on days when I wanted to have the boyfriend who promises me that I am love more than his self, someone who will tell me that I am not a terrible person for all the choices that I have made. I need to be whole again and be myself again. My happy old self and be love without pain and any hurt. Not in the next week but love right now on this day especially, I want to lighten the baggage I am carrying within me, I want to have a brand new start. I want to have a peaceful life away from all the things that will remind me of my past mistakes, I want to sleep without nightmares and wake up smiling cause I know I am very deeply love by someone who will always put me first before his interest, I want a repeat, a time machine -- to make and change things for myself and not do those things that put us on this situation. 

I .. 

I ..

I want my old self back, and yet I still want to have you to love all the days of my life. 

Always & Forever, 

Yas 

[dailydoseofyasowltiger]

1:00 AM

I can’t sleep. Been trying .. 

Who are still awake? 

[dailydoseofyasowltiger]

Questions.

Questions. I have a lot in mind lately, am I doomed to suffer? Why am I here? Why am I still here? Why do I allow these things to happen to me? The choices that I’ve made, are they really wrong? 

It is difficult to go through something when the only person that you run to when you are down is the one who hurts you the most, when the odds are not in our favor I often get to hear things that hurts. I do not know why I accept everything, maybe because I know that what he had been saying are not true and that I consider them an emotional outburst from all things frustrating and disappointing. -- In our small little world. 

Earlier today, I listened to a podcast ( Yes, I try to listen to an episode or two while I prepare to go to work),  “the couple” who does it, said that love should be easy, that if they are in a way feeling something that isn’t right they leave. 

But how can I leave someone I love? I wish it is that easy. thinking of leaving my bf breaks my heart. EVERYTIME.

Who will take good care of him?

What if I leave would the next gf loves him truly and without conditions? 

Some ex-friends, (yes ex!) said that if I leave it shouldn’t be something that I have to think about anymore, that it should be not my concern. That I have to love myself more than anyone else’s in this world.  

Again, I hope it is easy not to look back and simply just detached myself from everything.

I guess this is how my life is going to be then. Doomed. 

And I guess I don’t have any answer to all the questions yet again.

Whoever reads this, I pray you are in a better state than I do. 

Lastly, please love yourself.

xx

[dailydoseofyasowltiger]

Hello 2021

Hello 2021, How are you so far? 

I know I have been away and I stop writing blogs for a long time. Life was good until shit happens. 

Things were fine, until one day I have to make a decision. A decision that if I have to choose it entails sacrifice. It requires understanding. -- It needs patience. 

I was asked to make a decision, and I choose one, but hurt the other person, But I have to, cause it will be for the best. 

You? How about you? Are you willing to choose an easier path but losing the person that you love, or stay and accept all the hurt and pray that soon things will be well and everything will be okay.

Hard choices to make, decisions to do. But we have to make necessary sacrifices along the way. It doesn’t mean one is less important than the other but could only mean we wanted the best to happen, we may not see it now but it will soon be. 

I thought the start of 2021 is better than last year. 

Well, I hope yours is better. 

xx