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This Couple Just Completely Nailed Their Baby Announcement Photo

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#The(M)otherMom

non-birth mama pro-tips: bonding with the baby

as a more practical supplement to my earlier reflection on being the non-birth mama, i thought i’d share the things i did/do to feel more involved in the pregnancy and to bond with our baby from go. some tips are uniquely queer, while others i got from my male friends who often felt left out during their early days as papas. these won’t be right for everyone. 

without further adieu:

1. have an amazing partner with whom you communicate early & often sounds obvious, but this is everything. my wife knew before she got pregnant what i was nervous about (feeling left out). the world knew she was pregnant, so she in part became my advocate. she constantly talked about her wife (me) and that WE were expecting. be open. be honest. have each other’s backs.

2. be actively involved in choosing a sperm donor again - sounds obvious (this is your family!), but i’ve heard of non-birth partners being disengaged during the sperm selection process. this is where the journey went from a ‘one-day thing’ to an imagined reality. bonding starts with dreaming up your baby.

3. attend everything you can alongside the birth mama i went to every doctor’s appointment, blood draw, and ultrasound while my wife was pregnant. not everyone can do this, but it underscored a broader principal: i am an equal part of this. 

4. get loud and persistent about your role as an equal parent it was awkward, but it got easier. a lot of times, i felt in the way. i often felt like the medical world ignored me. some of it is understandable – my wife was the patient as the pregnant one. but often, i felt like if i had been “the dad,” i would have been addressed directly. it’s a shitty feeling. so get brave, even if it starts as a shaky whisper. 

5. find a role: spoil the birth mama sure, i wasn’t the one growing our son, but i made myself the one who cared for my wife. growing & birthing a baby is hard work! so it felt like a perfect fit to be my wife’s advocate at this time. i made it my mission to ensure she was well-cared for - lots of food, water, massages, and general TLC.

6. find LGBTQ-inclusive medical providers once my wife was pregnant, we prioritized finding a doctor who would be warm & welcoming of our family. it made all the difference in the world. they made notes in the file to include my name & that i was the other mama so that nurses would know to address me.

7. get in the trenches after birth it was tough when Dashiell was first born. breast feeding can be really challenging & there’s very little sleep happening. i changed every diaper when Dash came home until i went back to work. and while i wasn’t his food source, i carved out the role of putting Dash to sleep. i spent the first month of his life rocking him to sleep while reading aloud Joan Didion to the whole family. it was exhausting and romantic and one of the best times of my life. 

8. have the baby take your last name not for everyone, but this one was important to me (and my wife was happy to go along). but let me tell you, seeing my son’s birth certificate with my last name on it - my heart burst out of my chest.

9. control the narrative early and often and to anyone who will hear, i’ll tell people about my wife and our son. this is to try to hedge the stupid fucking questions from nosy strangers. you know the ones: “who’s the real mom?” “ what’d the donor look like?” these questions suck and they will happen. so have responses ready. “We are both the moms.” “That’s private.” “He’s ours.”

10. remember: being a parent is showing up, over and over relax. enjoy expecting or having a baby. cuddle and make silly faces and dream up the future and laugh with your partner as you have newborn poop running down your arm. bonding with your baby will come naturally because you are already the parent - you’re the one that is there, putting in the love & hard work. this kid wants you, so just continue to show up.

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Children of gay and lesbian parents will always know that they were wanted and not just an accident.

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Donor, Dad, or…? Young Adults with Lesbian Parents’ Experiences with Known Donors

Goldberg, Abbie E. and Katherine R. Allen. 2013. “Donor, Dad, or…? Young Adults with Lesbian Parents’ Experiences with Known Donors.” Family Process 52(2):338–50. 

11 young adults between the ages of 19-29 were interviewed and examined how they went about forming relationships with the donors even though they were the product of a two-parent household. Studies show that children are closer to and feel closer to their biological mothers versus their non-biological mothers, and I wanted to know how that relationship dynamic changed when discussing whether a child would feel more comfortable with their donor father than their birth mother, especially since donors aren’t recognized as members of the family. 

- So I was born from donor insemination through my lesbian mom…and I know my donor. He's a straight man and I call him “dad”…but I never lived with him growing up. I consider him to be a parent figure, but I guess not really a parent, even though I call him “dad.” -Greta, 24

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Co-Mothers

Tasker, Fiona and Susan Golombok. 1998. “The Role of Co-Mothers in Planned Lesbian-Led Families.” Journal of Lesbian Studies 2(4):49–68.

A study was conducted comparing the lives and parent involvement in lesbian relationships versus that of a heterosexual one. The goal was to find out if a lesbian “co-mother” was more involved than a father figure. The study resulted in co-mothers actually having more involvement and parental participation than biological fathers in heterosexual families. “However, father-child and co-mother-child relationships were found to be equally warm and affectionate in all three groups and no group differences were found for children's scores on the Family Relations Test or co-mothers/fathers’ scores on the Parenting Stress Index” (Tasker). After a divorce, women who previously had children and then entered into a lesbian relationship had better relationships with their mother’s female partner than they did a stepfather in a heterosexual relationship. 

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References

Crespi, Lee. 2001. “And Baby Makes Three: A Dynamic Look at Development and Conflict in Lesbian Families.” Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health 4(3):7–29.

Dower, Tami. 2001. “Redefining Family: Should Lesbians Have Access To Assisted Reproduction.” Melbourne University Law Review 25(2):470-473.

Goldberg, Abbie E. and Katherine R. Allen. 2013. “Donor, Dad, or…? Young Adults with Lesbian Parents’ Experiences with Known Donors.” Family Process52(2):338–50.

Muzio, Cheryl. 1993. “Lesbian co‐parenting: On being/being with the invisible (m)other.” Smith College Studies in Social Work 63:3, 215-229

Nordqvist, Petra. 2010. “‘Dealing with sperm’: comparing lesbians’ clinical and non‐clinical donor conception processes”. Sociology of Health and Wellness 33:1;

Tasker, Fiona and Susan Golombok. 1998. “The Role of Co-Mothers in Planned Lesbian-Led Families.” Journal of Lesbian Studies 2(4):49–68.

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A Baby Makes Three

Crespi, Lee. 2001. “And Baby Makes Three: A Dynamic Look at Development and Conflict in Lesbian Families.” Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health 4(3):7–29.

This article discusses the hardships concerning the Oedipus complex that surfaces in new parents and explores how that complex in Lesbian parents differs from heterosexual. The Oedipus complex is when new parents may feel anger, resentment, competition, and exclusion. For lesbians moms, this can be especially hard when one parent is not the birth mother (known as the “other mother”). “ What role, if any, does biology play in the relationships between family members?”. 

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Overview

The aim of this project is to educate the viewer on Lesbian parenting and the struggles associated with assistive reproductive technologies. This includes but is not unlimited to artificial insemination, issues with using an outside donor, and adoption. A few of these will be explained below and the rest will be done throughout the page. 

I decided to choose this topic for my project because I am a part of the LGBTQ community and eventually this will become my reality. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful support system and be surrounded by individuals who love me for who I am and who I aspire to be. 

Although being LGBTQ in America has become more accepting, the idea of starting, having, and raising a family while living this lifestyle is still considered taboo. 

The role of the non-biological mother in terms of how her role affects the family dynamic and legal issues surrounding the lack of biology is something that drew my attention immediately and is a huge part of this project. Is her role as a mother meaningful without legal protection? What rights does she have in case there is a divorce, or in case of a medical emergency where her legal advice is needed?

Artifical insemination has become a more popular option given the easier accessibility of sperm donors. Some of the concerns regarding sperm donors include outsourcing donors, donor rights and legal representation, and how the couple would respond if the donor wanted visitation rights. Using an outside donor has its consequences, most commonly a lack of legal protection and potential unknown hereditary problems. 

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Nordqvist, Petra. 2010. “‘Dealing with sperm’: comparing lesbians’ clinical and non‐clinical donor conception processes”. Sociology of Health and Wellness 33:1;

This talks about how those who chose the non-conventional method of sperm banking may experience a lower costing journey but will end up paying more in the long run due to possible legal issues and a lack of what private clinics may be able to offer them as far as protections, insurance, and a relinquishing of parental rights by the donor. It’s about establishing boundaries and limits for the amount of involvement of the donor. Another difficulty in the artificial insemination process were couples needing several sperm samples in case the first pregnancy attempt was unsuccessful. Couples wanted to use the same sperm donor for their favorable characteristics. Concerns about sequential children was also a topic of discussion as they wanted to use the same sperm for several pregnancies. In bi-racial families, this could raise questions about the racial identity of the children if both mothers decide to carry but are of two separate races. 

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(*Unrelated to this citation, but relevant to the following discussion) Muzio, Cheryl. 1993. “Lesbian co‐parenting: On being/being with the invisible (m)other.” Smith College Studies in Social Work 63:3, 215-229

Non-biological lesbian mothers are an implication of artificial reproduction that no one wants to talk about, but yet is apparent in every single lesbian relationship where children were created through artificial insemination. Discussions about how lesbian “co-mothers” feel about their role in the family and the stresses relating to biology need to be had. The role of a co-mother in comparison to the father is not as clear-cut and makes negotiations for said co-parents difficult in the home and out in the world. Society doesn’t recognize them as half of the child’s parents as they would a heterosexual relationship and this opens the door for legal, social, and emotional struggles. The m(other) ultimately has little to no power over her relationship with her children because she is not their biological mother. We, as a society must break down the true etymology behind words such as “biological”, “mother”, and “co-parent”. This can be narrowed down to who is “mommy” and who is “mama” and whether or not these two titles are interchangeable in the court of law. 

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Gay Parents = Gay Children?

Dower, Tami. 2001. "Redefining Family: Should Lesbians Have Access To Assisted Reproduction." Melbourne University Law Review 25(2):470-473.

Children raised by lesbian parents or in a homosexual household show no difference in their mental or emotional development from that of children raised in heterosexual households. The idea that these children will eventually grow up to be gay and/or have “inappropriate gender identity” have not been sustained by any studies thus far. Other health and sociological studies attempt to address concerns that offspring would eventually grow up to the gay. This is false, and although there is evidence that children of same-sex parents tend to explore homosexual relationships more often, an overwhelming majority still identify as heterosexual in their adult lives.