d1amondeyez

[d1amondeyez]

you were not meant to fight, you were not meant to live in fear or bear your teeth. it’s not who you are, for you are not a violent dog. you were something soft once, something precious and made to be held with care, but you have learned that no man has soft hands, and to survive is to claw and bite and scratch. that doesn’t mean it’s who you are, it’s only who you’ve been forced to be

[d1amondeyez]

when i feel nothing i have never felt anything at all, and when i feel grief i have been plagued with it all my life. i am one extreme to the next, i am all at once joy and light and beauty, and in the same breath i am closing my eyes and hoping that i wont wake in the morning. i am running from everything while being frozen in fear, because while i was taught to never stop running, i am stagnant in my own mind, like i cannot move on but i cannot possibly stay. i dont know how to be many things, i can be something or nothing at all, but i cannot do both at once

[d1amondeyez]

your grief flows through your blood and it comes out through you arm, it turns into ink on your paper, it says what your mind cannot. it accumulates and builds and builds inside of you until you can’t hold yourself up, and the only thing to catch you is the bathroom floor

[d1amondeyez]

selfishly, you dont want anyone to know you. you want to keep that just for yourself. you tell yourself over and over that if no one can see you, then no one can burrow their way into your heart and no one can you leave you. by hiding yourself, you will leave everyone before they ever got the chance to stay

[d1amondeyez]

my bones hold onto you, you seep through my hands and out through my fingers tips, you create what i write with pen and paper. everything beautiful and everything tragic, anything i’ve ever said at all, has stemmed from you carving your initials into my heart

[d1amondeyez]

the sun will warm your soul and romanticize your life, but the moon will soothe the ache that plagues your heart and it will make the tides in the ocean, it will show you what the sun cannot. it will show you the stars

[d1amondeyez]

whatever is wrong with me, whatever made my insides rot and gnawed away at my bones until they were dwindled down to nothing, whatever it is, it will kill my soul one day, and along with it will go my body

[d1amondeyez]

the cold doesn’t last forever, because the snow goes away with the sun and the anger you feel will dwindle and dull away with time. you will once again lay in the soft grass on a summer afternoon, and once again you will keep living and experiencing, and along the way your hatred will stop following behind you, it will silently walk down another path.

[d1amondeyez]

selfishly, you dont want anyone to know you. you want to keep that just for yourself. you tell yourself over and over that if no one can see you, then no one can burrow their way into your heart and no one can you leave you. by hiding yourself, you will leave everyone before they ever got the chance to stay

[d1amondeyez]

let the sun kiss your face and let the moon cradle you to sleep, let the grass hold your weight and let the breeze touch your hair. you are the universe experiencing being human for the first time, let nature hold you

[d1amondeyez]

you don’t know how to exist in your own skin, you don’t know the comfort of being held and soothed and assured. soft hands have never held your heart like it’s something precious and fragile, therefore you cannot know how to hold it gently, with care, and you don’t know to mend it after it’s been bruised

[d1amondeyez]

i’m tired. i spend all day in some sort of haze that i don’t know how to break. i watch my life pass by through eyes that do not feel like my own. i love you and it makes my head ache, it makes me dizzy in all the wrong ways because how can i love someone who doesn’t know how ugly my insides are. you don’t see the rot that has spread through my blood and what’s left of my decayed bones. you don’t see it because i do not want you to, i don’t want you to look at me through my eyes.

but mostly, i’m tired.

[d1amondeyez]

when i look in the mirror, it is your eyes looking back at me, not my own. it is your blood that made mine. when i watch it prickle to the surface, little red spots on my skin, i think of you. i think that maybe you felt just as i do now, maybe you were the one that paved the way. i look like you with no makeup on, and when i get angry i hear my voice spitting your venom. i know you just as you know me, because when you begin to become someone, you know them as well as you know yourself

[d1amondeyez]

you scratch and claw and bite, you sink your teeth into unfamiliarity, you leave scars when you’re scared. that doesn’t make you violent, because you’re not, you simply never learned how to be held with careful hands

[d1amondeyez]

you don’t know where to place the anger that has grown inside of you, so you tuck it away and you learn to live with it. but every once in awhile, it seeps through the cracks of your control and it flows out with your tears. it holds you when no one else does. it becomes familiar, and soon you find more comfort in it than pain, because nothing has ever stayed with you for this long, and nothing has ever held you so tight

[d1amondeyez]

i wake up in the mornings and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know who i’m supposed to be, i don’t even know who i want to be. i look tired, and when i go upstairs mom asks if i’m sick. i’m not, but i tell her i don’t feel well anyways, because i cannot possibly explain whats happening inside of my head. i have all the thoughts and none of the words. i want to collapse into my mothers arms and tell her that i think my bones are rotting inside of me from the grief that has spread throughout my blood and into my arms and legs, the grief that doesn’t stop spreading until every inch of my being has been consumed by it.

i say none of that. i tell her that i am sick, because thats better than saying nothing at all.

[d1amondeyez]

how could an all loving god punish man for infinity over finite sins? how could i be a sinner over a crime that mortal men created out of fear and anger, out of discrimination and hatred? what can be found in god that i cannot find in humanity?