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desideratvms‌:

      be it that kennedy could be cruel at times, his true friends, his lovers, the people he cared about often saw the much better side of him. his words could turn to knives when slighted, but kennedy doesn’t have a rotten heart, just a need to protect himself, and deep down most of that is rooted in the fact that he cares. he’d been quick to anger when he’d felt like christopher was taking back what he’d led kennedy to believe: that he was ready to move forward, make a milestone, be serious. how was he supposed to react to that now that he was hearing all of it was a mistake? especially when christopher is here confessing that kennedy is the person he loves most? “ you could’ve said something. explained yourself, i don’t know. anything so i wouldn’t have to think you didn’t want this the same way i did. ” he’s not angry with christopher, because he knows he never asked the right questions to prompt that conversation. he’d come in hot and defensive, hurt when he hadn’t showed up. instead of hearing him out, kennedy had jumped to the worst possible conclusions and made them fact. “ i know i didn’t say the right things either, i didn’t give you a chance.. ” he sucks in a breath, throat tight with emotion as he looks down, eyes glossy. “ of course i thought you didn’t care. why was it so easy to think that? why didn’t we talk about it the way we should have? ” he gnaws at the inside of his cheek, part of him already longing for that momentary bliss they’d had before kennedy had addressed real life as it were. but there was no ignoring it, at least not for long, and kennedy fears the more he gives in without remedying things, the worse he’ll be in the morning. “ i was a mess for weeks, i’m still a mess, and it took this to get us to talk again. we can’t get back together if we can’t work through shit, christopher. it’s not going to work. ”

            christopher  should  have  known  that  his  actions  weren’t  going  to  be  swept  under  the  rug  .  he  had  treated  kennedy  unfairly  ,  and  he  had  done  so  at  a  time  which  would  have  been  major  for  their  relationship  .  meeting  the  parents  was  big  ,  huge  even  ,  and  christopher  had  always  admired  how  much  kennedy  talked  about  his  parents  when  they  were  together  .  he  liked  to  listen  as  he  was  told  about  what  his  parents  did  on  a  regular  basis  ,  and  the  pedestal  that  he  put  his  parents  on  .  it  wasn’t  unheard  of  for  christopher  to  get  nervous  ,  but  why  did  it  have  to  be  then  ?  why  did  it  have  to  be  when  he  wanted  to  progress  his  relationship  with  kennedy  and  show  him  that  he  was  serious  ?  his  teeth  dig  down  into  his  lower  lip  ,  and  he  feels  his  face  become  warm  before  he  slips  from  kennedy’s  lap  .  he  pulls  his  legs  in  close  to  his  chest  ,  and  wraps  his  arms  around  them  as  he  prays  that  the  red  in  his  face  will  go  down  .  ‘  when  we  got  into  that  fight  ,  i  tried  to  tell  you  ,  kennedy  .  i’m  not  making  excuses  and  i’m  not  trying  to  make  it  sound  like  any  of  this  is  your  fault  .  i  tried  telling  you  ,  i  wanted  to  tell  you  ,  but  i  shut  down  when  you  starting  jumping  to  conclusions  that  i  didn’t  have  the  chance  to  correct  .  i  shouldn’t  have  done  that  to  you  ,  and  i’m  sorry  .  ’  his  head  tilts  slightly  when  kennedy  looks  down  and  he  can’t  stop  himself  from  crowding  the  other’s  space  again  .  ‘  after  our  fight  ,  i  thought  there  was  no  way  i  could  have  fixed  what  i  messed  up  .  every  time  i  saw  you  ,  i  knew  how  much  i  hurt  you  and  i  didn’t  want  to  do  that  again  .  i  did  though  ,  when  we  decided  to  break  up  .  ’  he  reaches  to  touch  kennedy’s  cheek  again  ,  silently  telling  him  to  stop  biting  at  the  inside  of  his  cheek  .  christopher  nods  slowly  at  kennedy’s  words  .   ‘  i  know  we  can’t  pick  up  from  where  we  left  off  ,  ’  he  says  softly  ,  pressing  a  soft  kiss  against  his  temple  .  ‘  and  i  know  we  can’t  .  i  know  we’ll  have  to  be  more  open  with  each  other  ,  but  i  want  us  to  be  .  i  want  to  be  with  you  again  ,  but  only  if  you’ll  have  me  .  ’

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desideratvms‌:

       without real warning, things had taken a serious turn, and now the two of them were barreling down a hill without any way to throw the situation in reverse. perhaps the timing wasn’t the best, or maybe it was. maybe they’d needed an excuse to talk again, to see that both of them wanted the same thing, and that it wasn’t to act like strangers. kennedy went from talking to and thinking about christopher from sun up to sun down, to only interacting with him in a heated debate at their student association meetings. and kennedy had had flings here or there, dipped his toes in before with something more stable, but christopher had been his first serious college relationship, and going from opening his precious future to ships passing in the night had been more brutal than he’d admitted. the tears are something kennedy has seen plenty of, but it doesn’t tug at his heart strings any less. with a gentle press, he swipes a few rolling down with the pad of his thumb, eyebrows furrowed. they’ll have to talk about this tomorrow. they would. because there were still bridges to mend, whether they fell victim to this moment or not. “ we did, though. you did. ” there’s a lump in his throat he can’t seem to swallow, edging at the unsaid. the kiss is charged in a way that feels foreign, though not unwelcome, and kenny finds his hands settling on christopher’s hip as he slides over him. muscle memory. they’re close enough that their noses are nearly touching, and kennedy’s fingers curl in the hem of christopher’s shirt. suddenly, he feels nervous. if he opens this can of worms after pulling open old wounds, it may not end in his favor. could he handle that?  he feels he doesn’t have a choice. giving into affection is one thing, but whispered confessions of regret, the desire to kiss and make up.. kennedy can’t do it, not without clearing the air. “ you bailed on me before. with my parents, chris. we couldn’t talk our way out of that. i thought i understood things better. understood you better.. but if i don’t, won’t it happen again? ” meeting the parents had always been a big one in kennedy’s mind –- for someone that put his parents on the pedestal of god, he’d been quick to feel wounded when christopher hadn’t followed through on their plans. tumbling into an argument that led to something kennedy hadn’t expected, but was too prideful to say he didn’t want. the sting of rejection had kept him from speaking his true feelings, but there was no avoiding it now.

            it  was  only  a  matter  of  time  before  someone  addressed  the  elephant  in  the  room  .  there  wasn’t  a  moment  where  chris  assumed  anything  other  than  the  fact  that  he  was  the  cause  of  their  breakup  .  his  choices  had  been  the  tip  of  the  iceberg  ,  and  their  relationship  only  descended  into  an  abyss  they  couldn’t  climb  out  of  .  the  soft  tightening  that  had  been  occurring  as  they  talked  had  seemed  to  deflate  and  chris  felt  a  dark  cloud  looming  over  his  head  .  now  ,  he  was  waiting  for  the  rain  .  he  tried  to  think  of  ways  he  could  have  apologized  to  kennedy  .  there  were  plenty  of  opportunities  in  their  shared  organizations  that  he  could  have  pulled  him  aside  and  spilled  his  guts  ,  but  christopher  always  managed  to  talk  himself  out  of  it  .  he  made  the  assumption  that  kennedy  didn’t  want  to  speak  to  him  and  he  want  to  see  him  .  kennedy’s  words  seem  to  echo  in  his  head  for  a  couple  of  moments  ,  and  he  sinks  his  teeth  down  into  his  lower  lip  .  he  feels  like  such  an  asshole  .  his  skin  feels  hot  all  over  ,  settled  in  a  position  that’s  all  too  familiar  and  for  a  minute  he  thinks  they’ve  pushed  things  aside  for  now  .  he’s  wrong  .  he’s  oh  so  wrong  when  kennedy  pulls  away  ,  and  christopher’s  hands  slip  out  of  his  hair  as  he  feels  a  wave  of  hurt  flowing  off  of  the  other  .  his  words  get  trapped  in  his  throat  ,  and  his  attention  averts  down  to  his  lap  as  he  tries  to  carefully  choose  his  words  .  ‘  i  know  ,  i  --  ’  he  pressed  his  lips  together  and  finally  pulls  his  head  up  .  ‘  no  !  ’  he  speaks  in  a  hushed  ,  harsh  tone  .  his  stomach  coils  as  he’s  reminded  of  not  only  him  flaking  on  kennedy  at  such  an  important  moment  in  their  relationship  ,  but  also  the  argument  that  was  soon  to  follow  .  ‘  i  messed  up  ,  ’  chris  starts  .  ‘  i  messed  up  with  you  and  with  your  parents  and  i’m  sorry  .  i  got  cold  feet  ‘cause  i  didn’t  think  your  parents  would  like  me  .  that  night  meant  a  lot  to  you  and  i  should  have  at  least  called  to  apologize  ,  but  i  didn’t  and  that  was  wrong  of  me  to  do  i  just  --  i  wanted  to  be  there  .  i  wanted  to  meet  your  parents  and  i  really  wanted  to  get  to  know  the  people  that  are  responsible  for  the  person  i  love  most  ,  but  i  ruined  that  .  ’  chris  became  sullen  ,  and  it  takes  every  ounce  of  courage  to  look  at  kennedy  again  as  if  he  were  a  child  getting  scolded  .  ‘  i  never  meant  to  make  you  think  i  didn’t  care  .  you  didn’t  deserve  to  be  treated  that  way  .  ’

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[cullnstm]

  𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐱   𝐟𝐢𝐭𝐳𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐧      as   harry   bingham   on   the   society   .

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            hi  everyone  !  my  name’s  koa  ,  i’m  21+  (  with  a  birthday  coming  in  t - mius  four  days  🥴  )  ,  and  i  absolutely  love  any  form  of  cheesecake  so  please  ,  i’ll  take  it  via  amazon  fresh  for  my  birthday  .  this  intro  for  my  son  has  been  vastly  overdue  ,  and  i  apologize  !  i  finally  feel  much  better  after  slipping  into  a  slight  funk  ,  but  i  finally  up  to  writing  his  intro  (  and  don’t  roast  me  ,  it’s  the  exact  same  one  from  another  rp  but  it’s  fine  )  and  so  here’s  everything  you  need  to  know  about  mister  cullen  !

            [  ALEX  FITZALAN  /  ALETHEIA  /  ANADEIA  /  MUSE  13  ]  /  CHRISTOPHER CULLEN  is a  21  year old  POLITICAL  SCIENCE  major.  HE  is known for being  NONPARTISAN  &  AUTHENTIC  but  MACHIAVELLIAN  &  UNSYMPATHETIC  .  when  i  think  of  them  ,  i  imagine FEMINIST  ENAMEL  PINS  LITTERING  HIS  BACKPACK  , THE  LINGERING  COLD  THAT  FOLLOWS  AFTER  HE’S  GONE  ,  AND  MASTERING  THE  ART  OF  FAUX  INTEREST  IN  A  CONVERSATION  .  and  even  though  they’re  a  proud  HU  student  now  ,  we  all  have  our  roots  .  theirs  run  back  to  them  being  a  NEWCOMER  .  i  asked  around  and  it  turns  out  they  ARE  an  AOP  student  .  in  their  interview  ,  they  managed  to  woo  the  admissions  team  by  SHARING  A  VIDEO  OF  HIS  BEST  ARGUMENTS  FROM  HIS  TIME  ON  HIS  HIGH  SCHOOL’S  DEBATE  TEAM  .

statistics  .

FULL  NAME  :  christopher  patrick  bartholomew  cullen  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  chris  ,  topher  ,  and  toffie  (  by  his  little  sisters  only  )  .

BIRTHDATE  /  AGE  :  september  15th  ,  1998  /  21  .

ZODIAC  :  virgo  .

HOMETOWN  :  darien  ,  connecticut  .

GENDER  :  cis  male  .

NATIONALITY  :  american  .

ETHNICITY  :  white  caucasian  .

HEIGHT  :  5′9″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  zealous  and  the  connard  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

OCCUPATION  :  political  science  student  at  hatchet  university  .

LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  latin  ,  and  conversational  spanish  .

POSITIVES  :  desirous  ,  spellbinding  ,  ingenuous  ,  nonpartisan  ,  and  authentic  .

NEGATIVES  :  worrisome  ,  machiavellian  ,  cocksure  ,  unsympathetic  ,  and  narcissistic  .  

background  .

            patrick  cullen  was  a  wide  eyed  and  bushy  tailed  first  year  law  student  who  knew  he  wanted  to  make  a  change  in  the  world  .  from  the  get  go  ,  he  knew  that  he  wanted  to  be  a  criminal  defense  attorney  as  he  was  not  a  rich  kid  by  far  and  saw  that  there  needed  to  be  a  change  in  the  american  justice  system  .  it  wasn’t  easy  for  him  by  far  ,  and  he  was  the  student  who  needed  to  work  throughout  college  in  order  to  make  ends  meet  ,  but  he  wasn’t  going  to  let  that  deter  him  from  his  goals  .  during  his  first  year  in  law  school  was  when  he  met  a  political  science  graduate  student  named  stephanie  daniels  .

            stephanie  was  made  up  of  unruly  blonde  curls  and  an  australian  accent  ,  but  she’ll  still  debate  you  until  she’s  blue  in  the  face  .  coming  from  a  wealthy  family  ,  stephanie  found  herself  constantly  being  told  one  of  two  things  :  she’d  either  be  the  perfect  housewife  or  the  perfect  mother  .  determined  to  change  that  narrative  ,  stephanie  went  through  college  with  the  best  grades  and  she  was  not  idle  to  being  interrupted  by  the  men  who  attempted  to  speak  over  her  .  stephanie  is  a  woman  who  knew  what  she  wanted  and  she  was  determined  to  get  it  .

           so  ,  when  she  met  patrick  at  a  party  she  told  herself  she  wasn’t  going  to  attend  ,  their  worlds  flipped  on  their  heads  ,  but  in  the  best  way  possible  .  their  first  date  was  filled  with  gentle  laughter  and  it  wasn’t  at  the  fanciest  restaurant  in  town  ,  but  they  enjoyed  themselves  nonetheless  .  despite  their  major  differences  ,  the  couple  managed  to  make  it  work  and  following  two  years  of  dating  and  engagement  ,  patrick  and  stephanie  married  .  despite  patrick  coming  from  a  poor  background  ,  there  was  never  a  reason  for  the  two  to  not  be  together  –  it  was  evident  with  the  way  that  they  looked  at  one  another  from  the  moment  they  met  .

           as  the  years  passed  ,  patrick  found  himself  working  at  a  law  office  while  quickly  rising  in  the  ranks  while  stephanie  ran  for  city  council  .  during  that  same  year  ,  patrick  and  stephanie  welcomed  their  first  child  ,  a  sweet  baby  boy  named  christopher  .  their  son  was  the  apple  of  their  eye  ,  and  they  absolutely  loved  having  him  in  their  lives  .  from  the  get  go  ,  christopher  had  always  been  around  his  parents  and  around  their  political  ties  .  christopher  was  always  found  attaching  himself  to  his  parents’  pant  leg  as  they  worked  to  provide  him  the  life  that  he  had  in  darien  ,  connecticut  .

           more  years  passed  ,  and  their  world  changes  again  as  stephanie  is  elected  as  congresswoman  for  the  state  of  connecticut  .  for  christopher  ,  who  was  ten  at  the  time  he  saw  the  world  change  for  the  first  time  since  his  parents  were  now  in  the  public  eye  and  there  was  suddenly  security  detail  around  their  home  .  christopher  while  growing  up  ,  though  ,  found  that  this  was  exactly  what  he  wanted  out  of  life  ,  as  weird  as  they  may  sound  .  he  liked  what  his  mom  did  ,  and  he  liked  seeing  what  his  father  do  with  ensuring  that  the  justice  system  was  held  accountable  for  their  actions  .

          when  christopher  was  in  middle  school  ,  not  only  did  his  parents  welcome  his  younger  twin  sisters  cassandra  and  courtney  ,  but  this  was  when  he  started  his  development  into  someday  becoming  a  president  .  middle  school  was  when  he  began  joining  student  organizations  and  even  developed  his  love  for  lacrosse  .  during  high  school  ,  christopher  continued  with  lacrosse  as  midfielder  and  was  elected  as  student  body  president  during  his  sophomore  year  .  he  knew  from  the  get  go  that  he  wanted  to  be  someone  who  made  major  differences  ,  so  while  he’s  making  his  way  to  someday  being  mr  .  president ,  for  now  he  was  more  focused  on  ensuring  a  place  at  a  college  .

           now  a  student  at  hatchet  university  ,  christopher  is  studying  political  science  as  he  has  plans  on  attending  law  school  once  he  graduates  .  he’s  president  of  the  student  association  ,  vice  president  of  speak  to  lead  ,  and  a  midfielder  on  the  lacrosse  team  !  when  it  comes  to  the  fact  that  he’s  an  aop  student  (  and  pertaining  to  his  subplot  )  ,  a  lot  of  people  don’t  think  he  got  into  hatchet  based  on  his  own  merit  since  his  parents  are  extremely  influential  and  his  spot  could  have  easily  been  bought  .  christopher  really  makes  no  effort  to  tell  people  the  truth  since  he’s  convinced  that  they  won’t  believe  him  anyways  ,  so  lets  people  have  their  rumors  .

headcanons  .

he’s  on  the  lacrosse  team  and  plays  the  position  of  midfielder  .  he  only  ever  learned  latin  because  it  made  sense  to  his  parents  so  now  he  knows  a  dead  language  that  only  ever  works  when  he’s  reading  difficult  books  or  traveling  !

has  his  driver’s  license  but  he  doesn’t  really  drive  .  he’ll  get  an  uber  if  he  needs  to  go  far  distances  ,  but  he  likes  being  able  to  walk  places  since  his  dorm  isn’t  far  from  different  campus  locations  .  

topher  spends  most  of  his  time  outside  of  his  dorm  ,  and  usually  doesn’t  get  back  until  late  at  night  .  his  days  start  really  early  for  training  and  practice  ,  then  he  has  classes  pretty  much  all  day  and  he  likes  to  study  right  after  .  of  course  ,  he  has  his  student  association  meetings  and  then  he  goes  to  the  gym  so  he  probably  only  gets  a  wink  of  sleep  before  he  starts  all  over  again  .

he  doesn’t  like  leaving  his  apart  without  being  put  together  ,  and  it  mostly  stems  from  being  a  congresswoman’s  son  !  his  style  is  mostly  made  up  of  chinos  ,  long  coats  ,  turtlenecks  ,  chunky  sneakers  ,  and  a  gucci  belt  to  flex  .  

he  can  make  people  worry  about  him  sometimes  ? and  it’s  mostly  because  he  will  literally  go  days  without  answering  phone  calls  or  texts  ,  but  then  he’ll  pop  back  up  like  nothing  ever  happened  .  he  really  does  hate  how  much  he’ll  make  people  worry  about  him  sometimes  ,  but  that’s  the  d*pression  doing  all  the  talking  .

personality  .

since  he  has  really  big  ambitions  for  himself  ,  christopher  can be  really  overbearing  at  times  .  he  hates  when  things  don’t  work  out  for  him  and  he  really  hates  when  people  try  to  overstep  .  he  definitely  is  the  guy  who  takes  over  group  projects  and  assigns  people  a  part  because  he  wants  things  to  work  as  smoothly  as  they  can  .  he  can  be  pretty  charming  as  explained  by  his  aesthetics  :  he’s  mastered  the  art  of  having  a  faux  conversation  with  someone  so  sometimes  he  might  not  be  truly  listening  .  he’s  getting  the  important  parts  and  then  that’s  what  he  works  off  of  .  he’s  not  that  way  with  his  friends  ,  though  .  i  can  promise  you  that  .  he’s  the  most  chaotic  boy  on  the  entire  planet  and  will  definitely  find  a  way  to  ruin  your  life  if  he  wanted  to  .  despite  all  of  that  ,  though  he’s  a  jock  at  heart  !  when  he’s  with his  friends  he  can  be  really  laid  back  and  all  about  enjoying  himself  in  the  now  .  

desired  relations  .

for  specific  plots  ,  i’d  love  for  him  to  have  his  best  friend  !  the  person  who  really  knows  him  the  best  and  can  tell  when  he’s  truly  dealing  with  something  .  topher’s  a  crier  because  toxic  masculinity  is  not  a  thing  ‘round  these  parts  ,  so  get  ready  for  him  to  show  up  being  a  soft  boy  .

i’m  really  feeling  a  one  night  stand  with  some  substance  ? like  yeah  ,  they  have  their  fun  together  but  they  don’t  pretend  to  not  know  each  other  in  public (  unless  they  have  like  a  fierce  rivalry  going  on  or  something  )  so  they  probs  tend  to  be  a  little  like  confidants  at  times  but  it’s  still  them  having  fun   !

give  me  a  plot  where  they  full  on  hate  each  other  .  no  lingering  feelings  ,  no  soft  moments  –  give  me  a  full  bred  spicy  hate  ship  that  literally  gets  your  blood  pumping  .  it’s  all  i  want  in  life  ,  thank  u  .

something  soft ?  something  really  sweet  and  enough  to  make  my  freaking  teeth  rot ?  i  don’t  know  something  literally  anything  just  give  me  the  softness  that  i’ve  been  craving  for  my  boy  .

[cullnstm]

desideratvms‌:

        their fallout, in hindsight, had been entirely preventable. even weeks after the fact, the nagging feeling of miscommunication and a missed opportunity leeched to his skin and never quite let loose. kennedy could be a victim of his own pride more often than not, and without christopher making any active move to mend things, kennedy had made the mistake of taking that for rejection. clearly, he’d been wrong. and in his unwillingness to admit it, he’d missed out on all of this. the feeling of being cared for has kennedy rising to the occasion -– maybe he’d always been looking for his loophole or just the right time, and he’d never thought it’d come in the form of christopher knocking at his door past midnight. blue eyes soften at christopher’s admission, and kennedy can’t help but bring a hand up to thumb at his cheek. “ think we’re scared of the same thing. ” he admits, only realizing how true it is when he says it out loud. “ but i mean it now. and i don’t think i ever stopped meaning it. i just.. i got too caught up in it to admit it. i didn’t want to if you were done. ” there was nothing more humiliating than clinging on to someone that was over you, and kennedy’s fear of looking a fool had kept him and his true feelings at bay. he can feel heat spring to his cheeks as christopher moves closer, the distance between them barely anything until it’s nothing at all. the warm and familiar feel of a kiss is better than kennedy remembers, and even with all that time spent trying to convince himself it hadn’t been good, there was no denying it now. he leans right back in to kiss christopher back –- it’s soft and sweet but loaded, the gentleness of uncertainty but the eagerness of longing. he pulls back after a tender moment or two, just enough where their mouths part but close enough that their noses are still touching. how long has it been since they’ve been this close? “ i missed you. ” he swallows thick, trying to settle himself amidst the unwinding feelings and his drunken state. “ and you missed me too. so why did we stop? ”

            not  once  did  he  assume  he  would  have  been  back  in  kennedy’s  dorm  .  at  least  ,  not  like  this  .  the  last  time  he’d  been  here  ,  christopher  was  picking  up  the  small  load  of  things  that  he  would  leave  whenever  he  stayed  over  ,  packing  them  down  into  a  box  with  a  lump  in  his  throat  .  he  felt  sick  following  their  breakup  ,  unsure  of  what  to  do  with  himself  .  he  had  gotten  comfortable  --  they  shared  clubs  so  they’d  see  each  other  even  when  they  were  busy  ,  shared  a  few  of  the  same  interests  (  despite  christopher  following  law  and  kennedy  ,  medicine  )  and  their  slightly  similar  personalities  seemed  to  be  the  spark  in  their  relationship  that  they  needed  .  chris  didn’t  want  to  break  up  .  he  didn’t  want  their  relationship  to  end  .  he  knows  that  only  a  select  few  are  able  to  say  they’ve  been  with  someone  since  college  (  his  parents  included  )  ,  but  he  couldn’t  help  the  wonders  of  what  could  have  been  .  he’d  overheard  his  mom  talking  to  kennedy’s  as  the  two  became  fast  friends  ,  often  giggling  about  planning  a  lavish  wedding  for  their  sons  ,  but  somehow  that  seemed  to  be  the  stroke  of  bad  luck  the  couple  needed  .  soon  after  ,  the  couple  had  broken  up  .  chris  inhales  slowly  when  kennedy’s  thumb  touched  his  cheek  .  he’d  always  been  an  easy  crier  ,  so  it’s  no  surprise  his  ducts  fill  with  tears  .  ‘  but  kenny  ,  i  --  ’  he  chokes  on  a  breath  .  ‘  i  never  wanted  to  say  goodbye  to  you  .  ’  his  voice  is  low  when  he  speaks  .  ‘  i  didn’t  want  to  let  you  go  .  i  didn’t  ,  and  i  don’t  .   ’  chris  lets  out  a  soft  groan  ,  but  it’s  swallowed  when  kennedy  returns  his  kiss  .  as  they  kiss  ,  though  ,  the  tears  slipped  silently  and  flowed  down  his  cheeks  .  he  didn’t  think  this  would  be  happening  tonight  .  he  came  to  help  ,  not  to  end  up  kissing  his  ex - boyfriend  (  or  to  cry  during  said  kiss  )  ,  but  it’s  happening  and  he  can’t  register  what  to  do  with  himself  as  it  does  .  chris  tries  to  remain  out  of  his  own  head  ,  to  focus  on  the  familiar  feeling  of  kennedy’s  lips  against  his  before  this  kiss  seems  to  end  all  too  soon  .  he  draws  in  a  breath  and  gently  pats  his  hands  against  his  cheeks  in  an  attempt  to  rid  himself  of  tear  streaks  .  ‘  i’m  sorry  ,  ’  he  apologizes  quietly  ,  and  looks  up  into  the  blue  hues  that  are  looking  back  at  him  .  in  truth  ,  christopher  wants  to  answer  him  ,  he  wants  to  give  him  a  reason  as  to  why  they  ended  ,  but  he  can’t  bring  himself  to  .  instead  ,  he  moves  closer  to  press  another  kiss  against  his  lips  without  hesitation  and  slides  himself  over  the  small  bit  of  space  until  he’s  straddling  kenny’s  legs  as  his  arms  lace  around  his  neck  .  ‘  i  never  wanted  to  stop  .  ’

[cullnstm]

hi  everyone  !  sorry  for  my lack  of  activity  as  of  late  !  it’s  been  a  bad  couple  of  days  for  me  and  i’ve  been  feeling  kinda  weird  about  turning  23  on  tuesday  (  which  ???  isn’t  even  that  old  but  i’m  buggin’  right  now  )  .  anyways  ,  i’m  about  to  bury  myself  in  some  homework  for  the  next  two  hours  and  then  i’ll  finally  get  around  to  posting  christopher’s  intro  as  well  as  plotting  with  everyone  !  again  ,  i’m  really  sorry  that  it’s  taken  me  this  long  and  i  promise  to  be  better  !

[cullnstm]

desideratvms‌:

       it’s overstepping and he knows it –- kennedy shouldn’t take advantage kind grand gesture, and just because christopher still cares, it doesn’t mean kennedy should capitalize on it. still, things are easier to ignore between them when they aren’t so close, when they aren’t tucked together on kennedy’s bed while christopher tries to cheer him up in all the ways he knows how. kennedy had thought himself to still be mad about things –- upset, really –- but was he still? did time and distance change things? without feeling like he had to puff his chest in the moment and defend his bruised ego, it all didn’t seem so big and terrible anymore, and kennedy can’t see things through the jaded lens he did before. he’s not sure if it’s good or bad, that if this moment is just a moment, and if they ever took a step to being back were they were.. would they circle back around to fall apart again? it’s too much to think about after tonight’s events, and kennedy for once shuts himself out to logic in order to chase his heart instead. “ what makes you think i don’t mean it? ” he frowns, almost wounded. he’s a lot of things, but he’d never have the heart to lead christopher on. “ i do miss it. i don’t miss us falling out.. but before that? ” kenny shrugs, suddenly feeling sheepish in the face of vulnerability. “ i didn’t think we’d ever reach a point where this wouldn’t be a thing anymore. that i couldn’t watch a stupid show with you and forget about everything else. i miss feeling that way. ” kennedy’s never been afraid of love or tried to dodge it, but for a boy that puts up a lot of defenses without realizing, he’d sure made it difficult for people to get close. to want to get close. but christopher had slid right into his life with ease, taking on a role in his life nobody had ever assumed before. how could he miss helping him fold his laundry and drill flashcards? but he did. the little things were something he’d mourned the most, and now something as simple as a late night netflix binge had old feelings bubbling up beyond all better knowledge. 

            christopher  doesn’t  really  know  how  to  take  what’s  happening  right  now  .  he  didn’t  want  to  appear  as  though  he  was  preying  on  kennedy  --  like  he  had  purposefully  come  over  with  ulterior  motives  that  wouldn’t  have  been  good  for  either  of  them  .  he  deeply  cared  for  kennedy  ,  though  ,  and  that  was  probably  something  that  would  never  change  .  it  didn’t  help  that  they  constantly  saw  one  another  around  campus  ,  and  had  to  interact  with  each  other  in  the  various  clubs  they  shared  .  those  were  different  from  this  moment  ,  though  .  they  were  in  such  an  intimate  setting  ,  and  as  much  as  christopher  would  have  liked  to  stand  up  from  the  bed  to  remove  himself  from  it  ,  he  couldn’t  .  christopher  was  stuck  there  and  he  didn’t  want  to  leave  .  christopher’s  hands  grow  warm  ,  and  he  thanks  his  lucky  stars  that  his  cheeks  don’t  burn  a  bright  red  whenever  he’s  in  a  situation  like  this  .  they  had  their  problems  ,  sure  ,  but  kennedy  meant  so  much  to  him  .  he  wasn’t  sure  if  he  had  a  rose - colored  lens  covering  his  eyes  thanks  to  kennedy  being  his  first  intimate  parter  ,  but  there  was  a  knot  forming  in  the  pit  of  his  stomach  .  ‘  because  i’m  scared  ,  ’  he  admits  softly  ,  sitting  up  a  bit  from  his  leaning  position  .  ‘  i’m  scared  that  if  you  don’t  mean  it  then  i’d  just  be  getting  my  hopes  up  .  ’  he  sinks  his  teeth  into  his  lower  lip  and  brushes  his  curls  out  of  his  eyes  .  he  exhales  slowly  .  ‘  i  miss  it  too  ,  kenny  .  i  do  ,  but  who’s  to  say  we’ll  feel  this  way  tomorrow  ?  that  we  won’t  go  back  to  pretending  like  we’re  strangers  ?  ’  and  maybe  this  is  christopher’s  way  of  downplaying  everything  that’s  happening  and  everything  that  he’s  feeling  right  now  ,  but  it’s  not  working  .  no  matter  how  much  he  tries  to  push  down  the  lump  that’s  growing  in  his  throat  ,  it  refuses  to  go  away  and  christopher  knows  he  can’t  stop  the  heat  that  crawling  up  the  back  of  his  neck  .  he  sighs  again  ,  and  reaches  up  to  gently  rests  his  hands  against  the  other’s  cheeks  .  ‘  oh  ,  kenny  .  you  better  not  be  messing  with  me  ,  ’  he  speaks  softly  as  he  looks  down  into  his  blue  hues  and  presses  a  gentle  kiss  against  his  lips  .

[cullnstm]

desideratvms‌:

     something to be sorted later. for now, kennedy’s drawn in by the way christopher manages to make him smile even when he’s an absolute mess inside. despite their differences, kennedy knew he’d always be there for chris when push came to shove –- sure, kenny’s personality could be sour, his grudges could be deadly, but most of it stemmed from kennedy’s intense love and loyalty to the few people close to him. he would, quite literally, help bury the body with someone he cared for, and christopher, even being his ex, was no exception. the reasons he’d been made dissipate in this moment, feeling minuscule when christopher seems to know him so well. to care, even when kennedy feels like nobody else does. how could he stay mad? his heart flutters in his chest as they settle into comfortability, and somehow it feels like no time has gone by at all. when did he decide he wanted to give this up? “ it’s dangerous to spread misinformation, christopher. ” even with a bruised face, kennedy couldn’t deny himself the chance to watch it happen. med school was still an upcoming dream, but he’d spent enough time doing his own studying, picking the brains of his parents and their colleagues and meandering around the hospital to know a few things. he really couldn’t wait to know it all. “ i know it’s bad to say. ” kennedy wrinkles his nose, head tucked neatly into christopher’s shoulder. “ but i missed this. ” they’re muddying things by doing this, they both know it, but neither of them are doing anything to prevent it. maybe its what they need. 

            the  warmth  that  christopher  was  feeling  was  continuing  to  spread  throughout  his  frame  as  the  two  fell  back  into  old  habits  .  to  someone  on  the  outside  looking  in  ,  someone  would  assume  that  they  were  still  together  thanks  to  the  miniscule  amount  of  space  between  the  two  .  he  was  so  easily  enamored  by  kennedy  that  it’d  be  hard  for  him  to  ever  tell  him  no  .  christopher  was  a  nice  guy  despite  the  fact  that  he  was  a  ruthless  opponent  on  the  debate  team  and  has  had  plans  on  becoming  the  next  president  of  the  united  states  while  also  being  aggressive  when  it  came  to  what  he  wanted  .  christopher  cares  for  kennedy  ,  and  there  was  no  denying  that  .  his  breath  hitched  in  his  throat  ,  his  palms  grew  sweaty  ,  and  his  words  could  come  out  laced  with  a  stutter  whenever  he  was  around  the  other  ,  but  christopher  understood  needing  to  be  a  safe  space  for  kennedy  right  now  .  he  had  been  worried  as  he  trekked  across  campus  ,  stumbling  in  his  slippers  as  he  attempted  to  make  it  to the  other  .  clearly  it  goes  to  show  that  christopher  would  be  there  for  his  beck  and  call  ,  even  if  he  didn’t  explicitly  call  him  .  he  sinks  his  teeth  down  into  his  lower  lip  as  he  watches  the  show  ,  barely  able  to  feel  the  emotion  of  the  character  crying  on  screen  since  he’s  so  caught  up  in  the  moment  between  himself  and  kenny  .  christopher  snaps  out  of  it  when  kennedy  speaks  and  he  hums  in  response  .  ‘  you  make  a  fair  point  ,  ’  he  nods  .  ‘  it’s  how  i  feel  about  scandal  .  there’s  no  way  any  of  that  is  right  ,  and  i  know  it  because  my  mom’s  a  congresswoman  .  ’  he  chuckles  softly  ,  remembering  the  nights  where  his  mom  fussed  at  the  television  whenever  olivia  pope  did  something  that  was  downright  illegal  .  he  blinks  slowly  ,  once  and  then  twice  as  he  tries  to  get  a  grip  on  what’s  happening  .  his  attention  is  no  longer  on  the  show  which  has  now  become  muddled  background  noise  .  ‘  kenny  ,  ’  he  speaks  softly  ,  shifting  his  frame  to  get  a  better  look  at  him  .  ‘  you  can’t  just  ...  go  around  saying  stuff  like  that  .  not  if  you  don’t  mean  it  .  ’

[cullnstm]

desideratvms‌:

       the moment is more tender than what kennedy’s used to ––- at least for what they’ve become. none of this would be unusual before their breakup, but now? well, kennedy’s only taking what he can get in this moment. is it wrong to weave his way in knowing christopher has a soft spot still? maybe not if he has one, too. familiarity is what he’s seeking right now, and this is exactly what he needs. his eyelashes flutter gently when christopher pushes his hair away, and the gesture is so soft in contrast to everything else that it hurts. it’d hurt regardless, because kennedy misses it more than he’d say out loud, but still. that sort of thing used to be a given, and now kennedy finds himself melting at the scraps. the mess of complications just keeps weaving itself into a bigger and bigger web, the soft names, affectionate touches, but kennedy does nothing to stop them and everything to egg them on. he finds himself snorting at christopher’s pun, rolling his eyes in a way that is part of their new normal, and kennedy pulls him up onto the bed to share. as if he could miss watching grey’s anatomy. “ no guarantees i won’t fall asleep. i’m exhausted, but you know i’ll never give up an opportunity to point out medical inaccuracies. not even on my deathbed. ” with that, kenny reaches for his laptop from his side table and plops it on chris’ lap for him to setup. he’s too tired and doesn’t remember what episode they were on before they’d stopped watching together. instead he fluffs at the pillow behind his head and lays back to rest, tucking in to get a view of the screen. 

            the  overwhelming  feeling  of  warmth  that  builds  up  in  his  frame  as  he  sits  with  kennedy  .  in  truth  ,  they  had  been  together  for  a  long  time  ,  but  during  that  time  he’d  always  seen  the  confidence  drip  from  kennedy  like  it  was  a  second  skin  .  christopher  knows  what  he’s  doing  ,  and  he  knows  that  it’s  opening  a  door  that  he  once  assumed  to  be  closed  .  he  had  been  this  way  with  kennedy  when  they  were  together  ,  constantly  showering  him  in  praise  and  soft  touches  --  he  couldn’t  help  himself  .  christopher  had  never  seen  kennedy  so  sullen  before  --  hell  ,  he  didn’t  think  he’d  ever  see  him  as  such  ,  but  the  longer  they  sat  there  the  more  christopher  didn’t  want  to  leave  .  even  through  their  banter  ,  their  constant  push  and  pull  ,  the  soft  spot  that  chris  had  for  him  would  never  go  away  .  he  could  never  get  rid  of  that  soft  spot  even  if  he  tried  .  christopher’s  mom  had  seen  the  way  their  break  up  affected  him  ,  and  he  tried  to  pretend  as  though  he  was  fine  .  a  soft  grin  takes  over  his  features  when  kennedy  snorts  at  his  pun  ,  and  that  warmth  fills  his  chest  again  when  he  makes  the  other  feel  a  little  better  .  he  allows  himself  to  be  pulled  up  onto  the  bed  ,  and  he  gets  himself  comfortable  once  the  laptop  is  placed  on  his  lap  .  ‘  mm  ,  it’s  okay  .  ’  christopher  goes  through  the  motions  of  setting  up  the  show  ,  and  upon  realizing  that  they  were  on  season  six  ,  episode  eight  he  realizes  just  how  long  it’s  been  since  they  last  watched  .  ‘  i  like  hearing  you  point  them  out  .  makes  the  show  a  little  less  magical  ,  ’  he  says  with  a  bit  of  laughter  in  his  tone  ,  turning  up  the  volume  a  bit  before  pressing  play  .  not  wanting  his  arm  to  be  in  the  way  ,  christopher  moves  it  to  gently  rest  his  fingers  in  his  hair  .  

[cullnstm]

desideratvms‌:

      it’s a small gesture, but in a moment where kennedy feels nothing but confused, hurt and dejected, it can’t help but spark a warm feeling in his chest. christopher pulling himself out of bed to show up at two in the morning, first aid kit in hand, ready to do anything, even if they weren’t on the best terms anymore. well, it’s a whole lot of feeling of cared for that feels foreign to him after the last handful of hours. “ thank you. ” it rolls out in a mumble, though audible enough for christopher to hear. “ for checking on me.” his gaze flickers down and he shrugs, a safety net lingering over them in the comfort of his room. as argumentative as they both are, he doesn’t think christopher to be someone that would kick him while he’s down, and seeing as he’s too tired to return any petty jabs or instigations now, he feels his shoulders physically relax. how exhausting to be on the defensive constantly, even if it’s often a burden of his own doing. even normally he’d be too prideful to accept help from his ex, but kennedy feels like he’s been walking with a target on his chest all evening, and the desire to just exist without the noise is so strong, he doesn’t care if that means picking apart his feelings later. “ you always said everything is pretty on me. ” is he joking? he’s trying to, but he laughs almost as he realizes there’s more truth to that statement than intended. better humor than discomfort. “ i think you’re the only person besides josie that gives a shit about me on this campus right now. ” that part is not as light as he intended it to be, and as soon as the words come out of his mouth, something miserable tugs at his heart and has his features falling sullen.

            chris  blinks  slowly  ,  biting  his  lower  lip  gently  .  the  two  had  their  problems  ,  it’s  part  of  the  reason  why  they  broke  up  in  the  first  place  ,  but  christopher  had  a  soft  spot  for  kennedy  .  in  truth  ,  he  had  been  his  longest  relationship  ,  and  the  first  person  that  he  was  comfortable  with  in  a  lot  of  ways  .  he  hums  in  response  to  kenny’s  thank  you  .  ‘  it’s  no  problem  ,  ’  he  speaks  gently  .  the  blanket  of  silence  that  falls  over  the  two  isn’t  an  ounce  of  awkward  ,  but  he  can  feel  a  change  in  atmosphere  .  the  two  managed  to  butt  heads  nine  times  out  of  ten  ,  hit  each  other  with  words  coated  in  sarcasm  ,  and  roll  their  eyes  at  least  a  few  times  before the  day  is  over  ,  but it  would  never  feel  this  when  the  two  saw  each  other  .  cautiously  ,  christopher  moves  to  sit  in  front  of  kenny  ,  tucking  his  right  foot  under  his  left  thigh  as  he  waited  for  the  other  to  speak  again  .  christopher  had  grown  up  in  a  space  where  he  could  talk  about  his  emotions  openly  ,  but  he  wasn’t  going  to  push  .  a  soft  chuckle  and  snort  falls  from  his  lips  .  ‘  yes  ,  ’  he  starts  ,  reaching  up  to  gently  touch  christopher’s  cheek  .  ‘  everything  is  pretty  on  you  .  everything  expect  that  thing  .  it’s  really  ugly  .  ’  his  tone  is  teasing  as  he  speaks  ,  softly  brushing  kennedy’s  curls  out  of  his  eyes  .  when  silence  falls  over  them  again  ,  chris  bites  his  lower  lip  again  .  ‘  oh  baby  ,  ’  the  word  slips  from  his  lips  almost  silently  as  he  moves a  little  closer  to  his  former  love  .  ‘  hey  ,  don’t  beat  yourself  up  ,  okay  ?  no  pun  intended  ,  ’  he  makes  a  joke  in  an  attempt  to  lighten  the  mood  .  ‘  i  can  ...  i  can  stay  if  you  want  me  to  .  we  could  watch  grey’s  ,  get  some  snacks  ,  and  you  can  tell  me  everything  that’s  medically  wrong  with  it  .  ’

[cullnstm]

desideratvms‌:

       being inebriated will be his excuse in the morning. that’s what he tells himself, anyways, because he knows when the alcohol wears off, he’ll be kicking himself for letting christopher in to his dorm. asking why christopher showed up is pointless –- he knows the news has circulated already, and if the roles were reversed, kennedy would’ve done the same. probably even faster. so, as much as it would make sense to tell christopher he’s fine, he doesn’t need his help, he’s not his responsibility, he doesn’t bother.  there’s no part of kennedy that could look at christopher in all of his earnestness right now, a mess, likely straight from his bed, with eyes full of concern despite the late hour and tell him to go. as if kennedy could pay anyone else to care this much, even if christopher insists on fussing about it. his gaze drops down to the first aid kit and kennedy shakes his head. “ ‘m okay now. ” he mumbles lamely, although the shiner blooming on his face says otherwise. he steps back for chris to come in, trudging back to flop onto his bed. “ as wild as it is, christopher, i wasn’t thinking about you while someone was physically assaulting me. had a few other things on my mind. ” he snorts and winces. tilting his head to the side to glance at his reflection in the small mirror on his bedside table, his mouth melts straight into a twisted frown. “ it doesn’t look that bad, does it? ” blue puppy dog eyes flicker up to christopher, who he’s certain won’t be shocked by the vanity even in these conditions.

            christopher’s  chest  deflates  as  he  takes  in  kennedy’s  appearance  ,  exhaling  slowly  and  adjusting  the  denim  jacket  that’s  about  ready  to  fall  of  his  shoulder  .  it  was  his  own  ability  to  make  himself  feel  bad  which  made  him  come  over  in  the  first  place  ,  completely  uninvited  and  without  a  true  understanding  of  what  was  going  on  .  in  all  honesty  ,  he  could  have  shot  him  a  text  to  ask  if  he  was  okay  ,  but  his  dreams  would  have  been  filled  with  upsetting  himself  if  he  hadn’t  put  his  eyes  on  kennedy  .  he  realizes  after  a  moment  or  two  that  the  first  aid  kit  might  have  been  overkill  ,  but  it  was  better  to  be  prepared  .  chris  averts  his  attention  after  a  couple  of  minutes  ,  the  kit  gripped  in  his  hand  hanging  at  his  side  as  he  brushes  his  tongue  over  his  lips  .  ‘  well  ,  that’s  good  .  ’  he  speaks  more  to  himself  than  anything  ,  suddenly  feeling  dumb  for  showing  up  like  this  .  once  he’s  inside  of  kennedy’s  space  ,  he  takes  off  his  sneakers  near  the  door  and  slides  his  jacket  onto  the  back  of  the  desk  chair  along  with  the  kit  .  his  eyes  roll  slightly  at  his  words  .  ‘  alright  ,  save  the  sarcasm  for  later  ,  king  .  i  just  got  worried  ...  s’all  .  ’  he  picks  at  the  loose  string  of  his  shirt  .  christopher  moves  closer  to  where  kennedy  is  sitting  and  allows  his  shoulders  to  rise  and  fall  in  a  nonchalant  shrug  .  ‘  i  mean  ...  it’s  not  pretty  ,  but  it’s  not  the  worst  i’ve  seen  .  a  little  concealer  and  you’ll  be  right  as  rain  .  ’

[cullnstm]

            leave  it  up  to  christopher  to  be  the  only  one  out  of  the  loop  when  something  happens  .  granted  ,  he’s  been  swamped  as  of  late  and  hasn’t  had  time  to  wash  his  hair  let  alone  keep  up  with  what’s  happening  on  campus  ,  but  when  he  got  word  (  thanks  to  his  phone  being  blown  up  with  notifications  )  of  some  video  in  which  kenny  got  hurt  ,  christopher  was  stumbling  out  of  his  bed  and  making  his  way  to  kenny’s  dorm  .  before  he  leaves  his  own  ,  though  ,  chris  makes  sure  to  at  least  grab  his  phone  ,  keys  ,  and  the  first  aid  kit  that  he  hadn’t  opened  yet  .  kenny  may  be  his  ex  ,  but  there  was  no  way  he  could  pretend  as  though  he  didn’t  still  care  for  him  .  besides  ,  they’d  been  together  for  a  while  .  chris  waits  for  a  couple  of  minutes  after  knocking  on  the  door  ,  hands  growing  sweaty  as  he  waits  for  the  other  to  answer  .  ‘  ken  ,  what  the  fuck  ,  ’  he  says  the  moment  he  sees  him  .  ‘  is  it  your  life’s  mission  to  stress  me  out  at  two  in  the  morning  ?  ’

[cullnstm]

╰     ❪     𝑐𝘩𝑟𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑝𝘩𝑒𝑟  𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑛     ❫     :     ❛   text  example  .   ❜