ctrl-plus-f-blog

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what you taught me.

They sat down on the stairs that led up to her house.

He was a happy-go-lucky teenage boy who just wanted to have innocent fun and found joy in everything.

She was a girl who acted on impulse.

After a normal day of laughing and hanging out, the boy told the girl a light hearted joke. And she responded with a cold and judging, "You're so lame". Not a laugh. The boy was something more than disappointed

Then he tried to lighten the situation with a chuckle and she said, "You're so fucking annoying."

Even though afterwards they both knew nothing would change between them, he was hurt.

The boy was annoyed. And sad. And afraid. Afraid because people that he could care so much about can hurt him and not even realize it.

He told her, "You know you taught me how to hate myself." ...

Except, he didn't tell her that. He didn't tell her anything. Because, like the girl, he thought she was right. And they went inside and watched a movie, as if in that moment, nothing really happened.

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Accountable.

I always thought there was more. I don't know what of, but I always thought there'd be more.

Maybe it's me. It probably is me. The world has so much to offer and I'm just sitting in my room playing games.

Yeah. It's me.

Maybe complaining about the fact that I'm so bored is just the most stupidest thing in the world to do. I mean, it's not getting anything done. Because in all reality, there is so much I could be doing. I just gotta work hard to get there.

Which kinda sucks, because then it means admitting I've only myself to blame. But it's kinda cool too, because if I do end up doing something with my life, then that's also mine too... and God too, but yknow what I'm saying.

Carpe diem I guess!

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Child play.

If you we're to go back in time and tell 5 year old you who you are and who they'll become, would they be inspired?

I wonder.

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Take heed.

Before you get to know me, I think it's only fair to warn you that you're getting into a dark and twisted place.

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He Said, She Said

I told him, "I don't want to let anyone down." "You're only letting yourself down," he said.

Then I said, "I'm really working hard, man." And he asked me, "Are you?"

And the only thing I could come up with was, "I'm trying," with a tired, frustrated whisper. Like a little boy who's hands were caught in the cookie jar. Sad. Pathetic. Guilty.

He told me things. In my head he would tell me all the things I didn't want to hear. And I hated him. He was everything I didn't want to know, everything I didn't want to admit. He was blunt and quick to blame. And more than any of that, he was right.

Have you ever convinced yourself that you were actually trying to make a difference? When you realized that there was something in your life that you have always meant to correct, but didn't, did you ever actually try?

Because I know I didn't.

I tell myself I will. I don't.

I tell myself I am, I'm not.

I tell myself I tried. But all I did was acknowledge it. I never lifted a finger.

I remember one time I was talking to him. I asked him, "Why aren't I doing anything then? If I want to fix it, if I want to fix it so badly and so desperately why don't I do a thing?"

And then he looked at me and he said, "You know why you don't do anything?" And he paused, gathered his thoughts, and continued. "Because you are not ten years from now."

What?

He thought about his words again.

"Because you aren't there yet. Your head is stuck in the future, stuck in who you want to be that you won't admit who you are. Flawed. Lazy. Irresponsible. You keep telling yourself that you want this, you want that, Imagining things like you actually do have them."

"Because you haven't noticed it yet. Your head is stuck in the past. All your failures, all your let downs, all your disappointments. And maybe some of them, maybe even all of them were your fault. But you won't admit who you were. Naive. Prideful. Ignorant. You haven't learned, when you could have."

"Because you aren't here. You aren't now. And yeah, it's cliche and it sounds old. But right here and right now are all that matters. Because there will be times where "right now" it'll be okay to remember. And there will be times when "right now" it'll be okay to dream and to hope and to wish. But right now, you need to work. And you need to work hard. And yeah, I think that's all that matters."

He told me things. In my head he would tell me all the things I didn't want to hear. And I hated him. He was everything I didn't want to know, everything I didn't want to admit. He was blunt and quick to blame. And more than any of that, he was right.

But at the same time, he was good. He was honest.

He made me better and made me want to be better.

He challenged me.

He was everything I wanted to become, and everything I wish I had learned, and he was right now.

I always believed that I had failed. Every failure and every disappointment and let down and fault, that was who made me who I was. But that guy, everything he stood for and represented, he was in me. He was in my head, my mind, my words and thoughts. He was me, he is me, and he will be me.

Right here, right now, everything changes.

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The First

"I never really trusted anyone before," he paused. "I never really told that to anyone either."

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AMDG

i've lost touch with a lot of things and a lot of people.

but there has always been one thing that has kept in touch with me and to some people it might sound stupid, but to me it only makes sense.

you see, today i realized that the thing that has always been there was God. and i stayed up all night thinking about all the things that are going wrong and how much i've let everyone down, including myself.

so i prayed,

i never really understood the power of prayer until this morning. but it woke me up from a really deep sleep.

God has been so good to me. and if I'm good to Him, good, and only good, will come out of it.

Ad majorem Dei gloriam

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claustrophobia

so, here's the thing. i have a problem that not a lot of people know about, and if they did, not many would understand. at least, they'd understand the problem, but the wont understand how i feel towards it.

the thing is, i think it's a pretty big problem. and i feel like the pressure of trying to fix it, and of staying true to myself and of keeping it a secret makes it feel like i don't have a lot of room to do much. like im always having to be careful of what i say, or what i do.

i dont know. i dont get angry. i dont show sadness. i just want everyone to think im happy all the time. even though i dont put on the best act, i just want everyone else to be happy too. but that sounds a little pathetic and stupid so whatever.

so here we go, this is the problem. my dad is on the verge of bankruptcy... again. my mom is ignorant to the fact and likes to remain that way, but my sister has the money to at least ease the pain. but fatehr dearest decided to make a racist remark to my sisters boyfriend. gj pops. and now theyre fighting and i have to deal with parents on the verge of bankruptcy with a bunch of student loans on my back and trying to figure out how to pay rent... without a job.

and on top of that my lazy ass wont do any work in school even if i aware of the situation. i really gotta buck up dont i? its the only way to fix things right?

i just really wanna be like my sister. its hard going through this wishing i was someone different instead of trying to better myself. wtf am i thinking right?

so someone tell me if im wrong, i've only myself to blame, right? if i know there's a big problem and i'm not doing anything about it, i've only myself to blame.

you know what's the real kicker? i'm aware of all this shit and i just let it all happen.

what the fuck me, what the fuck.

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bang.

i used to laugh a lot, at anything really. i used to find joy in everything.

but now i don't really laugh at much. and i think that's pretty sad.

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thirsty.

you were on top of me. but you were under the influence to say the least. you moved your hips and it hypnotized me. your body rubbed against mine and you had no idea how much i wanted to pull you down on top of me and kiss you so deeply and passionately that youd come up trying to remember the taste of air. and even before you got your breath back youd be begging me for more. i wanted you so bad it was unbelievable. 

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im pathetic

yesterday i told her i loved her and she told me she loved me back. she was angry with me after something i said and i held her in my arms, tightly, and we lay there in silence until she stopped shaking. and then i said it. i said i loved her. and then she said it back. and then and for a second i wished we'd be more than friends again. and i think at the moment i still do. im confused because i thought id already moved on from this. i thought i didnt want her like this anymore. i was okay with loving her and not having her, but not anymore. we were friends again. but im not sure i can go through this again. i was ready to be done with that. i was ready to let myself fall in love with another girl. i was ready for something serious. i was ready for someone else. i was satisfied with not having her, i was okay with letting her go...

but i love her and i always will and i dont know how im going to live with that.

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ache.

I kind of like the feeling of nostalgia. It's kind of heartwarmingly heartbreaking... if that makes any sense.

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finals.

It's happening again.

I used to be really comfortable around people. I was able to allow myself to get close. But all of a sudden its hard for me again. I reach this point in every relationship now where I just don't know what to do anymore.

I blame myself. I always end up blaming myself... for all of it. And sometimes maybe I'm right to do it. But is this how it's supposed to feel all the time? To feel like the biggest fxck-up every waking minute? Because I'm pretty sure this wasn't what it felt like before everything happened.

I want to blame you. With all of my being and every little part of me. But I can't. It just sucks because sometimes I think you don't realize it takes two to tango.

Anyways, finals are here. Wish me luck.

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mellow music

i said im so sick of love songs. so tired of tears. but lately thats all ive been listening to. my friend Sean said writing a blog is like talking to a wall. and maybe hes right, sure, whatever. but whats wrong with talking to a wall? or talking to yourself? i remember how in television shows they would always classify talking to yourself as a bad thing. i dont see anything wrong with it. what happens when youre alone in a sea of people? when your head hears so much noise amongst all the silence? when your heart is screaming but the rest of your body holds it captive, handcuffed to the lead pipe in the basement of your being?

theres something pathetically poetic about the whole thing.

today i asked myself again: why can you notice all these flaws, want so badly to fix them, and then not. then be consciously aware of the whole thing the whole time. im not sure i understand myself, or why i dont feel mad at myself.

not feeling is the worst feeling.

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my mind is vegas.

do you ever ask yourself: "am i happy or am i just pretending to be happy?"

i think i'm the happy kind of guy. at least, i think i look like the 'always happy' kind guy. but im not even sure if i pull i off, really. but i really want to be that guy. the one who doesn't let anything bring him down. but i think it also helps to be goal oriented, a bit. i mean what is happiness when you dont have a purpose? is my purpose to be happy? i dont really think so. im starting to think, to be truly happy is to fulfill my purpose, whatever the hell THAT is. none of this, be happy for the sake of being happy bull. i wanna be happy because i am truly happy. i mean, why am i so afraid to feel sad or angry? there's nothing wrong with that. but there is something wrong in fooling yourself. 

fooled myself once, shame on me. fool myself twice, im crazy. i think Einstein defined insanity the best.

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i forgot.

don't forget who you are. don't let anyone change you.

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it begins.

i have a lot on my mind today. and i guess that is gonna explain why i posted so much here. 3/4 first posts were in the past 12 hours. du hek man. no but seriously, i was wondering where my deep and profound self went. for the longest time i was wondering 'where did i go?' and even now, i dont think i can answer that. haha. its weird. why can i only confess what i feel to a website. it feels so pathetic. but then again, i guess im also thinking who is going to be insane enough to understand what im going through. i mean, its not like theres anything happening now to prove any of it. i guess its just... a feeling? oh man that makes it sound even more pathetic. even in a sea of people i feel so alone. even in a solid group of friends, i never really told them anything. 

sidenote.

to be honest, i think im really bad at this whole, confess everything into a one text entry thing. its only just putting my thoughts into words. who has time to edit this stuff anyways.