cscommunication

[cscommunication]

Writing Again.

I guess I'm back here writing. I once wrote that I would never write on here again, but things change I guess. I don’t know what to write exactly, I just found myself coming here and just starting to type. A lot has happened since I last wrote on here; in fact I don’t know the last time I even wrote on here. Let’s start with some of the good. I moved in and lived with the love of my life for a little, I got a dog who is the light of my life even if she is a lot and stresses me and S out; we also got a hamster who is the cutest little guy, but a little too adventurous to the point where he likes to escape his home. Living with those three was some of the best times of my life, even if they don’t know it. Ever since leaving tho, I've been a wreck. Being away from her has allowed me to think more clearly and see things I was blind too, it has also confirmed things I already knew too be true. The first thing I've come to understand, I am terrible for her. I am everything she got out of her last relationship and more. I am a manipulative, toxic, selfish, controlling, and jealous piece of shit. The amount of times she's told me that she's unhappy and doesn't want to be with me is more than I count, but I never could listen. She’s tried time and time again to leave but she never could because of things involving me. I’d guilt her into staying with my actions, regardless of how true my intentions were of hurting myself, she wouldn’t leave for my sake. I trapped her in a relationship with an animal and by living with her. I had no where to go and she wasn’t about to let me live on the streets. She should never have to go through the things she does when she's with me. From the self-harm, drugs, any of it, she shouldn't have to deal with my broken ass. I have hurt her in so many ways, many of which know, and some I may never know. I’m so sorry S. I would say sorry a million times but it will never makeup for the things I put her through. It’s the thing I am most sorry for. But she does. That’s one of the reasons I love her so much.  But none of that changes the fact of what I already knew. I can’t live without her. I know she has the possibility of being happier without me, but I can't leave. I know she hates it when I look towards the future, but I know for a fact this is the girl I plan on marrying. She always says if we stay together, and I don't know if its because she doesn't want to get her hopes up, or maybe because she knows that I'm not her person. Either way thats okay, I think if she really left and I knew there was no hope of getting her back, id probably let her, but I really don’t think there will come a time when I don't fight back, no matter the hurt. She’s also said maybe this is the right person but the wrong time and we should find each other in the future, but I can't do that. Thats my baby, the person I want to be with every single day. I don’t want to see her with anyone else. It’s selfish as fuck and I know. Like I said maybe she could be happier with someone else. But I just know id go to the ends of the earth to make her happy. But what if it isn't enough? I often think about that. What if I'm not enough. I feel like I'm not a lot. Not just for her but for everyone. I know I'm not and I've disappointed everyone in my life. I’ve lied so much to my family to prevent hurting them, but I'll never be the perfect son they think I am. I’m a mentally sick, fuck up, who does drugs and drinks everyday, doesn’t get the grades they think I do, and someone who has to fake who I am when I'm around them. I’ve been fucked over so many times by friends that I’ve learned to isolate and distance myself, to the point I've probably thrown away amazing friendships because of fear. I’ve disappointed my girlfriend more times than I count to the point where I know she has regrets and she wants to move back to California. I just don’t feel like myself lately. I’m always sad and am losing my mind everyday. Maybe I'm finally dealing with all my shit alone since I can't just push it down anymore. I don’t know if it is because she's gone, if its because I’m home, or maybe because I'm just sick in my head. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I've done so much searching and researching lately but I will never know unless I go to the doctor. I know that I have what's called anxious attachment style which was interesting to read about, but I know that a lot of this stuff with me is severe anxiety and depression, and I've been taking pills to curb it in secret, but then I go off the rails and it makes me think there's more too it. It’s when I do things without fear or lose control of my emotions and do things without thinking, lashing out, drugs, self harm, having no fear or pain. I don’t ever get like that unless something triggers it, but lately it seems like every other thought in my head is doing something to myself just to rid the pain I have inside. I would end it all, but don’t because I know I would hurt the people in my life. I stay strong for them, but sometimes its hard because no one knows what its like to go through everything I do. And I can never tell people because I don't ever want to worry anyone or but that on their shoulders. Even if I did they would never be able to understand. Even the person I love more than anyone in the world, will never be able to understand what I go through everyday. I can explain it to her, I can show her the hurt I am feeling, but she will never be able to truly understand. I look so happy and so strong in our relationship, for her. I need to stay strong for her. She has been through so much too. My problems and hurt will never be more important than hers. And I've shown that. I’ve gone the distance with her, building her back up from a life she should've never had to go through. She doesn't show her pain a lot, but I know its there. And I know ill never be able to understand the way she feels about some stuff, or understand what she's been through. But I'll always be by her side if she needs me or chooses to let me in. I wrote a letter to her awhile back, that documents our relationship. The beginning, the happy, the sad, the truth, my feelings on some of our hardest moments, moments that made us stronger and some that broke us down. The small letter I intended to give turned into a 40 page mini book. I read it back the other day, and I've decided I need to burn it. There was a lot of raw emotion that seemed not thought through and only told one side of the story. More importantly it allowed me to write things out and just put it out int the world, something kinda like this. There are pages that I will take out and give her individually that I want her to see and read, but some never need too. One of those pages said that I don’t think I could survive the summer without her. We’ve been separated for around a month and I'm dying on the inside. It feels like I’ve lost apart of myself that made me a better person. She’s done so much for me that she may never know, and it isn't about being alone or not being able to be apart from her, but I've been hurting for some time and she helped me handle it and without her, I’m suffering. We don’t hardly talk anymore, we don't FaceTime, there's hardly any I miss you’s or I love you’s and it just feels like im losing her. I’m so happy she’s having fun being home and enjoying family and friends. She deserves it after she she struggled for so long here. She wants to move away from here. If it makes her happy she should, like she said she doesn't have her friends here, and she has problems with her roommates (all because of me, like I said I've fucked up this girls life), and she only has me, but I make her feel lonely even when she's with me. Not everything is about me and she deserves happiness even if its away from me, and a lot of this is stuff I need to figure out how to handle because if she ever did leave me then I would need to deal with it alone, but since she's been gone, I drink every night to deal with my my problems at home,  I've cut myself 3 times, I'm back on the drugs I was doing so good being off, I have broken down so many times I can't count, I cry myself to sleep most nights, I have felt like ending it all enough times where its made me think of telling this all to my mom when I move not the apartment, I don’t know. I just can't crutch on her and have her worrying about me all the time, because it isn't fair to her. Who wants a broken boyfriend where you’re worried that he’ll do something to himself all the time. She probably looks down on me because of it. She already said if I did anything it would ruin her. Mental health is a bitch, and I want to tell all of this to her, but I feel like I’m ruining my relationship because of it. I just love her so much and feel like such shit for the way I am and because I can't be the best me for her because of the way I feel, but I’lll do everything I can to try and be better if she gives me the chance and sticks through the worst. Once again, I'm so sorry S.

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Love too Much

When you love someone so much, you will do anything for them. You will forget the meaning of selfishness and become different. When you love someone so much, you don't want to miss them. When they are gone, It will feel like hell everyday, you're blue and  everything just isn't right. When you love someone so much, you are very fond of them. You love everything about them how their eyes sparkle at night how their voices sound like sweet music to your ears how their touches make you feel secure how their thoughts matter so much how their perspective become as important as yours. Whatsoever flaws they have you accept it wholeheartedly. When you love someone so much, nothing is difficult Except maybe When you love someone so much, but they want to love someone else. It will hurt you badly like you are breaking into pieces. You will be caged in a truth box. You can run and run but you're still there. When you love someone so much, You will survive. Just give a little time Always reflect Because remember When you love someone so much, you will accept the truth. You will realize that you love a person because you want to love them. You don't expect them to love you back. And after that it won't be difficult anymore. You will feel free to love them again so much

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Twenty-Three

I went to my first counseling appointment today. I don’t know how I feel about it. They made me take a survey and I got a little emotional because some of the questions on there were pretty personal and made me think about stuff I usually don’t. I didn’t know if I should lie or not because I didn’t feel good answering some of the questions, but I told the truth. When I met the lady who was going to talk to me, she seemed nice enough, but almost robotic and emotionless. She just kept asking me questions and to explain some of my answers. We talked a lot about anxiety and depression, which she she thinks I do have. We talked some about moving around and middle school and high school says. I expected all that. Then we started to talk more about friendships and relationships with family and love. She asked me a lot about my dad and the strained relationship we have or at least had. She thinks that might be a big part of some of the stuff I go through. Then she talked love relationships; she asked about you. She asked about how the relationship went and if their were problems. I said nothing out of the ordinary, mostly stemming from no communication or from my own insecurities. I explained how I have separation anxiety and how I have never experienced it to this extent, and she kinda talked me asked me why I thought that could be and kinda talked me through dealing with it a little better, at least until the next session. At the end she asked what I wanted to get out of all this, and I said for me to be better at communication my thoughts and feelings better those I care about. This is something I truly want to work on.

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Twenty-Two

I think I need to stop writing in the moment and really think about things more clearly. I think I get too caught up in emotion and just let it keep building up. That’s another thing I need to work on. Not letting things build up, get more release, or release things sooner. Today isn’t so bad, regardless of what happens or if I get to talk to you. I saw something last night that really inspired me, “That’s how my life feels right now though, just a bunch of big seeming things that really aren’t big at all, but feel big.” And I think that’s what's happening now. I had so much stress and anxiety built up that it took over, but I genuinely feel better and happier today. I guess I haven't been hiding it that well, because my mom wrote me a note and my dad said something this morning about needing to relax and not stress about everything. I think starting the morning with a smile and a happy attitude will go a long way, it did today. It is only up from this point. Here’s to having more great days. 

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Twenty-One

This break has been a lot harder than I thought it was. I think the worst thing isn’t the distance, but the no communication. It sucks not being able to talk to you. I’m so glad you are having the time of your life and I want you to focus on that and the experience, but it isn’t working for me. A week with minimal conversation while you’re gone, and a week with no communication at all while I am. I think the latter will be easier because I'll have my mind occupied. I guess the thing that bothers me most is the hours in-between messages or opening it and not responding, it bugs me. It gets to me really. I just want to be able to talk to you and hear about your day and what you did. I like when someone responds fast but you’ve never been that way. That’s okay, I know not everyone is around their phone all the time, I'm not sometimes. I think why I like when someone responds fast is because it means they are thinking about me and willing to take time out of their day to talk to me. It sucks. I just really miss you and I don’t know if the feeling is mutual. I hate being home, and when my mind has nothing to do, it consumes itself. I try to distract myself with things to do; I think I might just delete social media for the break just to get my mind away. I wish you were here. I'm going through a lot and I have no one to talk to about it, and when I want to talk to you, you aren't available. I don’t think we are on the same page anymore, but that’s okay. That’s what seems to be happening to me a lot lately. I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow and I'm kind of scared. I wish you could be there to help me go through it; I don’t even think I'm gonna tell you until after it happens.

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Twenty

I know my flaws. I am closed off, distant, inpatient, insecure, clingy, anxious, depressed, can’t handle emotions well, I don’t like conflict, I need reassurance often, stubborn, I pick at people until they get annoyed and I argue easily. 

I also know what I'm worth and deserve. I know I am a good person with traits and qualities that anyone would be lucky to have as a partner. Deeper than that,  once I trust you I'd do anything for you. I am too nice, sometimes to a fault. I care about people and their problems often more than my own. I am someone that loves deeply. I love to love.

I need to stop idealizing and expecting so much from people. The only thing I have ever wanted from someone was to be loved unconditionally and be something to someone where they wake up in the morning and are glad to have  me in their life and want nothing more than to be with me. I know it is a lot to ask especially considering age, but I don’t think that should matter, because once you know, you know. When everything is going to shit, someone who is there for you because they want to, ready to brave the world with you, thats when nothing else matters.

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Nineteen

I wrote a whole paragraph here but then regretted it but I might put it back on, I don't know.

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Eighteen

It’s back. The worse thing in my life, and the thing that will most likely end up consuming me. Depression is a son of a bitch. I felt it creeping in but I didn’t think it would blindside me and take me full force like it did. When I went to the TDG concert I cried in the venue and that’s when I knew. I’ve been holding it in and putting on that brave face. No one would ever know or suspect unless I told them; why would I tell them. I’m supposed to be the easy going, chill, and funny presence, and I can't let anyone think anything else. I have cried twice in the past month, and thats more than I have in four years probably. Then again, I seem to be getting more emotional about small things, even happy things so who knows. Suicidal thoughts consume my mind more frequently, and I don't know what to make of it. I’m not in a place where I would ever do anything, but I just think about the what if’s. I wonder what kind of ‘legacy’ I would leave behind. I guess I can't say I wouldn’t do anything because I cut for the first time since freshman year of high school. Just a small cut on my wrist, and I didn't mean anything by it, I didn't want to bleed or feel pain, but I just did it to do it guess.  I don’t think I could ever tell anyone about it, probably tell them I fell off the skateboard or something. Brings up the issue of not having anyone to truly talk too. Alcohol and drugs are also starting to become a big factor again and I don’t know if thats going to be an issue by itself. Hopefully things calm dow in the coming weeks when I get a break. I don’t know what the future brings, but I can only look forward and for brighter days. 

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Seventeen

Once again, it's been a couple months since writing. Things aren't as great anymore. I feel like I’m lost. I want to be anywhere but here. I also feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I have my best friend but we aren't as close anymore it seems like. She keeps acting distant pulling away from me; I understand why, and thats my fault. I also have the person I think about and love more than words can express, but I feel like I can't talk to her. I don’t want to worry her, she already has enough stress in her life, and being a new relationship, I don’t need to add more to her life. I’m so afraid of losing her that I feel like I’m ruining our relationship; then again, I've never had to experience things the way I'm learning with her. I don’t know how to put it in words, but thats what she does to me. Everyday she leaves me speechless. She deserves the world and I don’t know if I'm going to be able to be the one to do it for her. I just hope she knows that I'll fight for her and us.

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Sixteen

It’s been awhile since I have written; I haven't had a reason too. I just wanted to write about something thats happened recently. I met someone new. She makes me so extremely happy, and I today marks the date I asked her to be my girlfriend. I hope things go well. I know it’s early, but I love you SB.

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Fifteen

It’s a weird feeling knowing you’re a good person, in a good and loving environment, but not feeling like you should be there. I’ve recently watching shows about bad things and it reminds me of when I would be in those situations, and honestly I reminisce on it. I have a side that isn’t good, but actually rather bad. Only a few people know of this side (one person I’ve told and the others that are in it with me). I have no part being in thus world. I didn’t grow up in the hood or grow up around things associated with drugs and violence, but somehow I gravitated towards it and became apart of that world. I’ve slowly been slipping into it again, even since before summer. I don't know what it is, but when I'm sad I gravitate towards these things, and I put myself in situations that aren’t great. It isn't the drugs, violence, money, or girls that keep me coming back, but I think it’s more of the thrill and the edge you’re on knowing at any moment it could be your last. I know I can get out, and I really don’t want to be where I am, but every time I see something that reminds me of that world, I feel like I’m pulled in that direction, wanting to be back. I’ll probably cut contact again when I’m back on campus, but who knows. Although, it does create some crazy stories.

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Fourteen

Today was another one of those days. I just feel lost. I looked for things to do and distract myself but nothing could hold my attention. Sleep is the only thing that makes my days go by fast when I’m here. I am so close to being set free, yet I know this last push is gonna be the hardest. I’m ready to be back to the place that makes me happy. See my friends, meet new people, and just be independent again. 14 days and everything will be better. I hope.

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Thirteen

I have changed so much in such a little amount of time. I love the things I've loved for years, but it seems like I am growing as a person. I am doing things I never thought I would, experiencing things I used to not like, and making an effort to change. I have flaws, and I am beginning to see them and work on them. I don’t know if I am just simply putting myself out there and testing waters to see who I am, or if this is really me. I really like the person I am becoming, but I don’t know if it’s me forcing myself to become something I’m not. I guess that’s apart of growing up.

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Twelve

I think about what to do with my life a lot. We were talking about sister’s potential majors and jobs she would want to do. Then they asked what I was thinking abut for a career. The answer is always the same; I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know what I want to do with my life. Computer Science does not interest me. I heard you can make money, and my mom kind of pushed me in that direction. It isn’t hard, but it doesn’t excite me, and I can't think of a single job I would be interested in. Teaching still sounds okay. I really don’t know what to do as an adult. I just want to live, and not work really. Just sit on an island and make music. Maybe I will buy a lottery ticket. Live my life the way I want too. 

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Eleven

I think about dying a lot. I would never do anything to myself, but I do think about death frequently. I’ll imagine scenarios of ways to die or ways I could die. It doesn't even have to be death, it could just be injury. It’s anything from getting hit by a car, too jumping off a cliff, or getting sick. I think there is something wrong with me and I might actually be sick. I get random pains that have consisted. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night out of breath and not able to breathe normally. I’ve always been like that tho, not able to breathe through my nose because I don’t get enough oxygen; now I can’t even take super deep breaths without my lungs hurting. I also get heart pains every once in a while. I don’t know. Whenever I go to the doctor they say it’s fine so it must be, but I don’y know. It’s almost like I want something to be wrong. 

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Ten

Anxiety sucks. My day was going well and nothing was wrong.I was playing a game and it hit me all of a sudden. I felt a wave of panic and sadness kinda, and then my stomach felt like it had a pit in the middle. I quit the game and have been just listening to music since, and it’s slowly going away. I hope it goes away quick because I hate feeling like this.

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Nine

I absolutely love talking to people, but I think it’s actually I love knowing people are taking time out of their day to talk to me. Throughout my life I have never been the person that people think about. I’m forgettable. That doesn’t mean I'm not well liked or popular amongst friends, but it just means I'm never someone’s first thought. No one ever automatically thinks of me when trying to hangout or things like that; I’m not complaining because it’s always been like that. I wonder if it has something to do with the way I present myself around people, or if everyone is just like that. I like texting and Snapchatting people, and that’s why I usually text back quickly, but I have a bad habit of texting back or Snapchatting back after a while, and that’s why my Snapchat is just all filled with the icon of me opening the snap and not responding. I wish I had more new people to talk to. Oh well, I at least know who will actually be there for me in hard times.