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Why Setting Boundaries Hurt

I do not feel like a good person.

Nobody ever said being an adult was easy when they are an adult. Thinking that being an adult is easy is only the fleeting thoughts that the wild fey things that act like children have before moving onto the next shiny thing. It is not the children’s responsibility to figure out how to come to this realization, that is the job of the parents and the community to teach them this.

But... there are those of us that fall through the cracks. Emotions sealed up and allowed to fester and mold, to stew in the darkness of the box that they are sealed in until the box rots away and all is left is the rotten stench of the quagmire that has been passed down and down until it lands in our laps to deal with.

The one thing that therapy taught me, the one thing that I still have trouble with, is that it is only my responsibility to clean up the quagmire that is mine. I cannot, and should not, clean up the quagmires that others are in. I can help hand the cleaning supplies and the masks and gloves, but it is not my responsibility to make sure it is cleaned.

As someone with their own trauma, I will never be qualified to be impartial to other’s trauma. I cannot let myself get sucked down in their quagmire because it will spill and mix into mine. And I have spent a lot of time removing the quagmire my family and community gave me not to mention my own. You can never stop cleaning because recovery never stops. You think you will be okay until you move something and find a new pile of goop to work your way through.

But, back to boundaries. These are the handy little ropes and signs that allow you to portion off the spot you are cleaning up. They are the lines in the sand, hard and soft, that you will not allow anyone to cross.

Well, I had to draw one of those hard lines today. I allowed someone into my home, who I knew was stuck in their own quagmire. I was going to help them by handing them the cleaning supplies and pass on my own advice on what cleaning methods worked for me.

And... much how I was before I realized I seriously needed to get my shit together, the quagmire was allowed to infect the others around me and myself.

That hard line was even doubly reinforced when the vitriol of the other party decided that cheating on their partner was the ‘right’ thing to do. They had been having trouble with communicating and, while I thought they were getting better, it turned out the other party had went behind the backs of everyone and set up a date with someone else and made it into the excuse of seeing a friend and needing space.

I was willing to work with this, as the former partner was willing as well, until they started to act like nothing was wrong, that they did not cheat nor did anything wrong. And that was it. That was the line that me and everyone else had drawn from our own personal trauma that was to never be crossed.

So we cut them. We let them get their things and let them go. We tried to help and they decided that throwing that away for some brief moment was better for them.

And that’s it. We are not responsible for what they do. We did our best but, part of recovery is knowing when you have to Stop. To step back and put the boundary in place and be at peace with yourself.

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That point of stress when all your coping mechanisms arent working and you cant self care at work so you're just like

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Follow me or else

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internally: having a breakdown

externally:

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me: *rubs my bpd all over a severe friendship issue*

friend who is not even remotely equipped to deal with this: what the fuck is wrong with you

me: obviously all of this is your fault for being insensitive and im not talking to you anymore until you apologize to me

me: *blocks until I get an apology*

me: this definitely makes sense

[cryptidsamoyedsbpdvents]

Lmao

First one is mine- me currently in this season.

The second one you can save for yourself!

BPD / Mental Health blog// @the-lifeof-a-borderline

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how to avoid guilt-tripping people accidentally (will be updated as i think of examples)

don’t insult yourself. it seems like you’re looking to make them feel bad for you. it also makes it look like you’re playing victim. (ex: “i’m a shitty person.” “i should just die.” “i’m just stupid.”)

say, for example, “i feel like you dislike me” instead of “you dislike me.” you don’t actually know how they feel and being accusatory like that is a huge turn off.

when apologizing, make it genuine. don’t bring up how you feel and instead apologize for how you made the other person feel. how you feel can be brought up later.

remind people that you genuinely want to get better and tell them to call you out when you exhibit problematic behavior.

it’s perfectly okay to be angry that your trauma left you with these symptoms, but that doesn’t make it okay to continue problematic behavior and make no effort to fix it. you can do it with some effort. i believe in you. and feel free to add on.

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Me: absolutely hates being told what to do

Also me: panics if someone is not telling me what to do in very specific detail because if no one is telling me what to do I’m not being productive enough

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due to personal reasons i will isolate myself and induce a deep empty void inside myself.

[cryptidsamoyedsbpdvents]

Borderline Personality Disorder

Treatment, Therapy, Next Steps and Resources: 

About BPD: Link

Treatment:

Dialectical behavior therapy- (DBT). DBT includes group and individual therapy designed specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. DBT uses a skills-based approach to teach you how to manage your emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships.

Schema-focused therapy- Schema-focused therapy can be done individually or in a group. It can help you identify unmet needs that have led to negative life patterns, which at some time may have been helpful for survival, but as an adult are hurtful in many areas of your life. Therapy focuses on helping you get your needs met in a healthy manner to promote positive life patterns.

Mentalization-based therapy- (MBT). MBT is a type of talk therapy that helps you identify your own thoughts and feelings at any given moment and create an alternate perspective on the situation. MBT emphasizes thinking before reacting.

Systems training for emotional predictability and problem solving- STEPPS is a 20-week treatment that involves working in groups that incorporate your family members, caregivers, friends or significant others into treatment. STEPPS is used in addition to other types of psychotherapy.

Transference-focused psychotherapy- Also called psycho-dynamic psychotherapy, TFP aims to help you understand your emotions and interpersonal difficulties through the developing relationship between you and your therapist.

Medications that help BPD:

Medications can be helpful in treating some of the symptoms of BPD, While drugs are not always needed, some of the more commonly prescribed include:

Antidepressants: including selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) commonly used in first-line therapy

Antipsychotics: known to reduce impulsivity, hostility, and psychotic symptoms of BPD

Mood stabilizers: which may be useful in treating BPD aggression

Anti-anxiety medications, including Ativan (lorazepam), Klonopin (clonazepam), Xanax (alprazolam), and Valium (diazepam)

Websites that do online therapy for BPD:

Link 1

Link 2

Finding a Therapist: 

Link 1

Link 2

BPD Worksheets: 

Link 1

Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center:

New York Presbyterian- Link

Phone Number: (888) 694-2273

Clearview Womens Center- 

Located in LA, California. Still has resources on their website. 

Link

Phone Number: (866) 467- 6271

Websites / Blogs for people with BPD:

Link 1

Books on BPD:

Link 1

Link 2

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today’s Wild Concept™: I have normal reactions to minor inconviences and can appropriately process my emotions

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it’s hard being shy and nasty at the same time

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male anger is so..... disgusting......

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spare love and tender touches please…. spare love…

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“what disorder of mine does this symptom belong to?” a novel by me