crowscoffee

[crowscoffee]

day 18: no post for a couple days because i’ve been going through it. i’d like to try and set some healthier recovery goals but my brain is in near fight or flight bc of stress. my stepmom told me if my stress is making it so i can’t function (i did Literally Nothing but sleep yesterday) then i need to go see a doctor but like. this household is the reason why i’m so stressed. and my dad agrees i need to move i just can’t afford it and i can’t get into upper division housing at my uni. but like everyone in this house is fucked every conversation is tense, two of them are going to florida for the week due to a family emergency, i have to sit with my dad to figure out what to do about the thousands of dollars of medical bills i have, my trip to san fran was supposed to be a bright spot but now i just feel like a fucking idiot, and of course i’m trying to mediate my maladaptive daydreaming but it’s hard to even be in reality most moments, i get constant headaches and hell maybe i need to go to a neurologist but that’s so fucking scary. idk man. plus i’m worried about my dad. and i’m down bad for someone in my classes which Does Not Help Me At All. ugh. anyways. tomorrow is a new day new week i’m trying to hold it together

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day 14: i just love so much and so strongly you know. but like. i have this deep and equally powerful anger inside of me. idk this sounds way too deep but i am really realizing what i want to do and how i really do embody the H in adHd like. it’s hard for me to mask when i get so excited about what i like but then i burn out so quickly and have a hard time talking to people. idk. anyways maladaptive daydreaming wise, it’s still a struggle (am worried a little bit about doing it while driving, which in the past has not been an issue but lately it’s been kinda stressful, so i’ll probably go back to audiobooks instead of music) but i’ve been more productive the past couple days which has felt good. and i’ve been trying to make time for self care. in moments of anxiety i’ve been centering myself by asking myself what *i* need to do at that exact moment to feel the most comfortable/happy/good about myself, and it has helped for sure. definitely still struggling with procrastination and feeling glued to my phone but i’m trying to find other ways to satisfy my adhd brain. anyways i have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow at 8:15am which i am dreading and i should have been in bed hours ago but what can ya do! at least i finally booked the appointment after weeks of stalling. lots of other shit happened but i’m going to bed, will touch base again tomorrow 👍

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days 11, 12, & 13: forgot to post for a couple of days, honestly just spent my whole weekend being super exhausted and napping a lot, also was stressed because i was falling behind on work because of my exhaustion, it took longer to get things done. today went better i feel, work is very busy right now and i think it kind of fried my brain, but i actually ate somewhat well today and i think that made a difference tbh. i got some stuff done when i got home, i realized it’s easier for me if i make a numbered list and force myself to do things in that order. i’m also trying to punish myself less and more so framing my life choices as my own, and thinking about how i want to choose what i do with my life and my time, if that makes sense? it helps when i so often feel a loss of control, like my mental illness takes the wheel, to remind myself that it’s my life and my choices. i think it’s helped with mindfulness as well. tonight after i did my bedtime routine, i watched my favorite show right now and painted my nails and i honestly think it’s the happiest i’ve been in a minute. it is still a long and difficult road ahead of me but i’m starting to learn new ways to cope with it. here’s to tomorrow being a new day, hopefully it goes if not better than today, then at least average. :-)

[crowscoffee]

day 10: i was fucking exhausted all day, thought i was going to have a shutdown at a work event tonight but hey they let me take a power nap on one of the benches because apparently i’m doing so unwell it’s visibly obvious 🤠 i’m really at a breaking point with my parents and i don’t think i’m going to get too much better unless something changes soon. and i’m not sure what that change needs to be. they say it takes 30-60 days to break a habit so maybe i’ll try setting specific daily goals/keeping track of time. i just. genuinely want to get better but i just haven’t caught a break these past few weeks and talking to my parents doesn’t work because they say that i’m always not doing well and i just can’t win. anyways i did delete some social medias off my phone again to hopefully help with maladaptive daydreaming, it’s a big trigger for me and also a constant compulsion to check all my stupid apps so i’m trying to cut them all out or at least be more conscious of my time on then. yeah idk man i’m just kinda hopeless for myself at this point but maybe this weekend i’ll have a little bit of time to catch up and idk ground myself in reality again

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day 9: just. my daydreaming is so consuming and it has been since i was a kid but i think maybe thinking about it means it’s going to get worse before it gets better? i hope? i’m just really not fycking doing well i can’t eat enough i can’t sleep enough i am always always always just running out of time. i feel like i need to turn myself off for a day and do a factory restart. but like i haven’t told my therapist or my support group or literally anyone in my life about maladaptive daydreaming because it’s humiliating how bad it gets when my depression gets bad like it is right now, and when i come on tumblr it’s a lot of positivity or memes *encouraging* it which. is great for some people but not for me! like yes i do enjoy daydreaming to a certain extent but it’s having a negative impact on my life and literally nobody knows, and at this point how could i even begin to describe it? some of it i think is my need to stim/pace from being neurodivergent and just. idk i wish something would work, now it’s 1am again and my teeth hurt and i need to shower but i can’t because my parents will get upset, and i haven’t been responding to some of my friends and just. everything hurts i want out of this. idk what to do right now because i feel sick but my home life is so rocky i can’t go do self care stuff without rocking the boat if i get caught (which is likely because my parents get up at 1am to feed the cats for some fucking reason so i can’t even exist in peace at night when everyone is in bed.) fucking hell okay this was a heavy one uhhh let’s try again tomorrow shall we?

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day 8: well im not doing well. im not quite sure how to fix it yet, i think i might need to skip my first class tomorrow to take extra time to do assignments, which i don't want to do bc it's for my film class and we're talking about she-ra plus it feels way too early in the semester to be skipping classes but idk man!!! i have soooooo much shit due these next two days and i should have been working on stuff but i just Haven't and now i'm having an anxiety attack and now my hyperfixations i've been using to cope aren't as fun anymore bc i'm in so much distress and i don't even want to go to sleep bc i feel like i should be working on stuff but also i think my parents know i'm up late (it's liek 1:30am) and they're gonna be pissed about it!!!!!! but like there's no good way for me to explain it to them they'll just blame it all on me!!!!!! well im hoping once my stress goes down i'll be able to focus on stopping my maladaptive daydreaming again it's just too mucch for my brain rn sigh. we'll see how tomorrow goes ig hope i dont have a heart attack

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day 7: well it’s been a week even if it does not feel like and my life is. chaos? today was absolute chaos. what’s difficult is that i have so much shit to do these next two days, and to cope with the stress i daydream, but daydreaming is so intense for me and takes up so much time that i have even less time to get shit done! and generally speaking i’ve just been so exhausted, but now it’s 1:30am and i’m awake because my stepmom went to the hospital and just. idk life is super overwhelming right now. good news is i have therapy tomorrow, im hoping i’ll get some stuff done and actually get up at a good time to shower because that did Not happen today and i was late to class. going to try to focus on at least Not maladaptive daydreaming and being more mindful of time, even if im not suddenly fixed or super productive overnight.

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day 6: emotionally and physically felt like shit all day today!!! i’m so behind on school readings, i’ve tried listening to this audiobook for class again and again and it’s a good book but idk. just can’t get into it like i want to, i’m just already so overwhelmed and school has barely started, i feel silly that it’s so hard for me to read now and i get so overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done, i don’t do any of it. plus it triggers my maladaptive daydreaming so that was pretty rough today. i think if i can find a better way to manage my task organizing/planning it will reduce my stress and thus help with everything else but that is much much easier said than done. i also started my period so that’s probably a big part of why i felt like shit. ended up taking a two (maybe three)?hour nap before dinner, and now i’m in pain and super anxious just sitting on my bed knowing i should get up to get ready for bed but it’s a lot. on the bright side i did try doing a short meditation today and that did help, plus i folded my laundry which is always a big task for me so yay. i’m stressed about school tomorrow but i’m hoping it will go okay. i know i should shower but it’s late and i really just want to go to bed and have this day be over with, so i’ll do what i can.

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day 5: uhhh well today was interesting for lack of a better word. i got to go to build-a-bear with my friend and that was fun, it just took a lot out of me and also money stuff is just stressful right now so eh. also two of my parents’ coworkers’ kids are staying with us and the teenager decided to cling onto me after getting into my parents’ alcohol and also had 15-year-old friend kept hitting on me over facetime (i’m an adult so it was not a great place for me to be in, i tried to shut her down as gently as i could but my ocd brain was having a bad time) so. yeah. did not get much else done between all that. this morning i actually woke up naturally at an okay time though and i’m going to bed before midnight which is new for me. going to have to do a bunch of reading tomorrow to catch up for class wish me luck 😁

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day 4: i was insanely exhausted today so it was difficult to do a lot, which i feel guilty about. part of that was executive dysfunction but also i just did not want to do anything but lie down and nap and that was Not an option. i tried to do the “scheduling time to do things” thing but it failed because i was too fatigued to do much for most of the day. ultimately though i at least got some important things done so i think the day ended on a more positive note. still stressed about school and family stuff but i’m hoping tomorrow and monday will at least give me time to work on the school part. :P

[crowscoffee]

day 3: today could have been better, work was okay, and i had my support group in the morning which was nice (i'm in an lgbtq specific support group and i love it), i wish i could have gotten more homework done tonight but i had a really hard time focusing on stuff once i got home. the stress of my house and some other personal family things is also messing with me. thankfully i'm not working monday but i still have a paper due sunday that i haven't started or chosen a topic for yet (it's a short paper so it should be fine i just need to get it done asap if i want to hang out with one of my best friends on sunday, plus i need to run errands tomorrow and my parents will probably want me to do extra work around the house and just ahhhhhh stress).

anyways here is to hoping tomorrow goes better. my friend sent me a super helpful guide about how they specifically slot their day using a google spreadsheet and set designated times to do things, i'm not sure if i could handle my life being that rigid but i think doing something like that could be helpful assuming i can get myself to stick to it haha. i've also tried to force myself to do chores/productive things before i slip into maladaptive daydreaming so im at least getting things done and being intentional if i do feel the urge to daydream, i've noticed my maladaptive daydreaming is definitely stress-triggered and also probably a coping mechanism for when my depression starts getting bad, which can tend to happen when i'm stressed and burned out, but also if i'm not getting anything done and i'm wasting my time then i also start to get depressed so it is just a viscous viscous cycle gah

right i am not going to spiral anymore i am going to listen to an audiobook for school and if i can get in bed before 1am that will at least be something

[crowscoffee]

day 2: today actually went okay! i ran a little late to school which surprises no one but that’s because i actually took the time to brush my teeth + wash my face, which i haven’t been doing much recently. we’re watching a family friend’s kids right now so i think that’s helped motivate me to focus on reality and not maladaptive daydream, i’ve also been trying to be more aware of when/what i’m most likely to maladaptive daydream so i can catch myself in those moments. i got some homework done and now i’m gonna read before bed. i’ve thought about trying pokemon sleep to help get my sleep schedule back on track, but also i’ve heard it’s pretty exploitative but also i like pokemon and i feel like everyone is stealing my data no matter what. i think the only lows of the day were just conflict with my parents (my dad will not stop bringing up how i don’t eat enough and i’ve told him time and time again that i’m fucking TRYING, also i booked a flight to san francisco in the fall and i know my stepmom is going to be pissed about it) and also might have burned out my social battery a bit. why r romantic situations/dates so difficult. anyways overall though i feel like today went really well and i am feeling optimistic :-)

[crowscoffee]

day 1: admittedly could have been a lot better ngl. i want to get better at getting to bed and waking up at an okay time, today was not great for that especially because around midnight i decided to cut my hair and it didn’t go great LMAO so now i’m gonna have to find time to clean the bathroom tomorrow before we have company over 😗✌️ i’m at least trying to set time limits for maladaptive daydreaming, also just going to start using timers more in general when doing tasks bc i lose track of time very easily. also want to maybe try meditating in the morning or at night but we’ll see bc my schedule is so hectic

[crowscoffee]

hi!! my name is crow and this is an anonymous blog to help me keep track/keep myself accountable as i finally try to address my maladaptive daydreaming/severe executive dysfunction issues. i am in therapy and on medication right now, but even then my mental health has been suffering this year especially, and i really want to focus on improving myself and grounding myself for my own benefit, that way i can actually focus on the things i want to be doing irl instead of losing hours of my time to daydreaming + executive dysfunction.

my goal is to update this daily with my progress to help with mindfulness and accountability but we’ll see how that goes, my long-term goal is actually to delete this blog once i feel happy with myself and my real life/can have a healthy relationship with daydreaming!

if you want to follow this blog for perhaps personal motivation, or you’d like to chat, feel free. i will not discuss my daydreaming and/or the topics of it directly much yet because it can be triggering for me, but i’m happy to talk about other stuff! i’m in uni rn studying poetry, film, and queer history, and i love sci-fi/horror, crocheting, and my cats. :D

i’ll try posting daily logs starting tomorrow to see if it helps, they probably won’t be very long but it’s a start. thanks if you’ve decided to support me as i finally face this problem i’ve been letting build up and take over my life for years :’)