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I am not kidding BioWare owes me compensation for Lucanis’ little nose scrunch and whispered “At least I know I’m doing it” during that infamous wall lean scene. It pops into my head at random and renders me incomprehensible. It genuinely interrupts my day to day life. Why does his voice sound like that. Why’d his face do that. HE JUST WALKS AWAY????

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Neve is banned from the kitchen

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Every time a small child starts crying or having a tantrum in my vicinity and I catch the parents glancing at me I’ve started saying “me when…”.

Friend kept trying to tell his crying kindergartener to calm down and relax and the kid growled “I AM relaxed” while visibly tensing every muscle in his body and I was like “oh that’s me at work every day” and we had a chuckle.

Parents look to other adults like “shit are they mad? Do they think my kid is acting like a demon?” And this response is my attempt to say “no. I think your kid is just acting like a human being.”

I WISH I could fling myself on the ground and cry because I experienced a minor inconvenience.

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How to be a househusband and housewife together

There are many women out there who want to be a housewife. I, however, want to be a househusband. So, how is that going to work? You can't be a housewife and househusband together, right?

Wrong.

Here is my guide on how that is in fact possible and how to achieve it. Women, please listen up, because this is important to you when you marry me which I know you want to do.

Step 1) I become your househusband.

Step 2) You become my housewife.

Step 3) The bank takes the house.

Step 4) Can't be a househusband and a housewife without a house, right?

Step 5) Wrong. We pretend to move out, but actually we are just moving all of our stuff into the walls of the house, where we will live. Much like house gnomes.

Step 6) This can go on for years if we play it right, but eventually the family living there finds us.

Step 7) We get arrested on some trumped up charges like trespassing. We both know they are actually arresting us for daring to love.

Step 8) We go to prison.

Step 9) But what else is prison called?

Step 10) The jailHOUSE.

Step 11) We just can't stop winning.

Step 12) We get out of prison but have to reintegrate back into society.

Step 13) Where do we do that?

Step 14) The halfway HOUSE.

Step 15) We just can't stop winning.

Step 16) After we leave we have trouble finding stable employment due to our criminal record..

Step 17) So we become freelance DJs who play at clubs, restaurants, and parties.

Step 18) And what kind of music do we play?

Step 19) We just can't stop winning.

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I also think that all the "um okay knives out & glass onion were good. Wrap it up now" posts are so funny. You're tripping if you think there's not going to be at least five Benoit Blanc films lol

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the introvert urge to say “no worries either way” when you’re actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

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“my bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over the sea,”

are we talking about the same body of water here, which is weird, or different bodies of water, which is even weirder

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Born to don't wanna. Forced to gotta

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ok but give me one good reason why you wouldn’t date Kermit the frog besides that he is a puppet and a frog

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Random ass thought … can pregnant people go through the hex gates?

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its christmas eve and look whos on tumblr

all of us

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Snippet from Trouble In Paradise, a post-finale comic that I'm still cooking lol

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I remember when I first watched this show, I played this part at least 5 times

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Imagine meeting the most handsome goofiest genderweird butch you've ever seen and she has a dedicated probably monogamous boyfriend who to be fair is actually a pretty cool dude and you're devastated that you can't shoot your shot. Then you find out that up until last year boyfriend was certain he was gay and then he met this handsome goofy genderweird butch and was like oh I like women. Or at least women who are also men sometimes. So I'm bisexual. Also to make things more confusing they're both veterans who are actually pretty staunchly anti-military and hate every admiral they've ever encountered and the butch only went into the military because she desperately needed healthcare coverage for her father and the boyfriend was like. A legacy military brat who realized this is all pretty fucked actually. Congratulations you have encountered modern day Mulan and Li Shang

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*grabbing mlm shippers by the shoulders* guys nobody needs to be the twink. nobody needs to be the sub. nobody needs to be the femboy. they can both be big fat hairy men who bask in each others masculinity or they can both be unspeakable monstrous creatures with inhuman genitalia it’s okay I’m holding your hand. Let me show you the way