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Go go go

September 27, 2017

It's past the afternoon and I'm holding on. Yay me! Go go go. It hurts me a bit that my ex friend didn't even want to talk. I don't know why she acts like I I something to her. I need to make new friends... Goals Step 1: get skinny Step 2: get a few friends, ha Step 3: go out! Have fun! Maybe even travel! Step 4: save up for future

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September 27, 2017 Today is the day I start doing good! No sugar for one week! I love and crave sugar sooooo much but it is definitely my downfall. I had 10 cookies yesterday! I already have all of the day planned out so I just need to stick to it!! At the end of this post i will leave some motivational pictures:) I wish I had a few friends.. REAL ones that I felt comfortable talking to. Probably ones who have kids because they understand how draining a child can be. I literally have no time for myself. I'm with my toddler 24/7. Obviously I love him to pieces and I'm so very thankful that I do get to spend 24/7 With him but sometimes it can be hard. when he's in a cranky mood it can make me feel very anxious; especially if other things are going on at the same time. My ex best friend never texted back. I kind of can't believe it haha. I feel like I stuck my neck out to say hello and ask how she's doing when I definitely don't think I did anything wrong. I only told her the truth, that we had grown apart and at times I felt uncomfortable talking to her. It made me anxious when I felt like I couldn't say no to her. She's acting like I did something to her. So whatever. At this point I don't even feel like trying AT ALL. If she's going to not respond or take days to respond like she doesn't want to talk then that's fine. Bye! The only issue I have now is that my sister is on my Facebook & Instagram and they're pretty close and I know she's been showing her pictures & keeping her updated about my life. That's annoying and it makes me want to delete her. Anyways, my goal is to be out of the 150s by Halloween. Wahoo!! I'm going to do it!

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Thinking & doing bad ha

Sept 25, 2017

I have one of my first boyfriends on Facebook. We dated for maybe 4-6 months in high school. When I see him on my page it really gets me. He's the only guy besides my husband that didn't treat me badly. But he did end up leaving me and it was my first big heart break. I guess it just bothers me seeing him happy in pictures. I don't know if he ever realized how he hurt me. I had tried to get him back numerous times in high school but what really hurt me is what happened after high school. I was in a time of need.. someone had hurt & traumatized me and I told him.. and he didn't seem to care. I had thought we were friends but I guess not. His girlfriend told me to not talk to him again. He just never wanted me in his life I suppose. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. Like why am I not even a good catch as a friend?? What's wrong with me that people think that.

In other news I messaged my ex best friend ha! We had been friends forever but had started growing apart when I got my ED. I had finally told her but she didn't believe that we had grown apart. Then proceeded to say mean things. I tried to tell her that I have anxiety & it prevents me from speaking up etc. Anyways, I messaged her to say hello.. I guess I'm just desperate for friends. But if didn't seem like she wanted to talk so that was that.

Lastly, I've been doing badly on my diet again. Wahoo.. -_- I was 158.2lbs the morning of the 23rd. That's it!

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Goals & mistakes

Sept. 21, 2017

Well, yesterday I messed up. I ate a bowl of cereal, cheese it's, ice cream, and cookies! I probably had about 1,700 calories. But today I will be back on track! Not sure what's for dinner yet though.

My goals

My weight goals are as follows..

149lbs by Halloween

139lbs by Christmas

130lbs by the beginning of February

119lbs by mid April

107lbs by summer! (Mid June)

My clothing goals are..

To fit into my old clothes - specifically my crop tops and my old favorite pair of jeans (size 2!)

I just came up with all those ha! It will be so nice to have my husband be able to pick me up so much easier. Also, I'm more mobile when I'm smaller; that's always good. I think about how one day I'd like to take our son to the beach but my husband needs to be able to carry me allllllll the way across the sand - wheelchairs and sand don't mix. Or camping would be fun! Or one day going on little roller coasters. *daydreaming*

It's sooo cold here right now, 43 degrees now but the low is 37! Its nice getting up in the morning like this; everyone's still sleeping and I get to enjoy my coffee, write, surf the internet or even read. Anyways, today's going to be a good day! I'm going to do 3 more days of no sugar again and then weigh. Talk you you later :)

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First post - Intentions & back story

I'm a mom of a toddler and a house wife but not a typical one since I'm disabled as well. I can't do much actual house work, ha.

I got hurt a lot by boys/men most of my teens and into my early twenties. It eventually got me in a very bad mental state and i went from obese to 93lbs. I was very "ana" like; eating 100-700 calories daily. It was a very dark time period for me; I did not want to live anymore.. But! Luck has it I started dating my best friend, literally, and from there my life got better. Then I got pregnant and now we have a beautiful toddler who is just the smartest, cutest boy in the world.

When I was pregnant I skyrocketed from 130lbs to 194lbs! :O I've recently started trying to lose some weight again. In July I was 167lbs & now I'm 158lbs. Wahoo, only a billion more pounds to go. I don't really have any ED tendencies anymore and besides, I still breastfeed and I definitely won't jeopardize that. So, I've just been having around 1,200-1,300 calories daily. For me, the typical diets don't work. My disability makes it much harder to lose weight. I can't really exercise & I don't burn much calories sitting in a wheelchair so it's all on my food. If I wasn't breastfeeding I'd lower my intake to somewhere in the 800-1,000 range.

Anyways, let's talk intentions. Mostly, I'm making this a place for my thoughts, feelings, goals, downfalls, & successes. I doubt I will repost much at all if anything. From time to time I might post some of my favorite thinspiration. I'm anticipating that I will mostly be doing weight loss talking on here and I'm also trying to remain anonymous.

Having a child changes your life. Unless you've had to care for a child before, you have no idea. I use to love doing my make up, going out to the lake or the city, walking around town, taking pictures. Baby = no time for yourself, literally. I'm lucky if I get to put deodorant on & brush my hair (not joking). I'm guessing a regular mom has a bit more time for herself than me but I'm not sure. You see, I can't do much for myself - can't brush my hair, can't shower, can't even wipe my own butt. My hubby does this all for me WHILE watching our toddler. It gets pretty hectic sometimes & I definitely can't imagine having another kid haha! My only hope is that it keeps on getting easier the more independent he becomes 💙💙

So, welcome to my life. I hope you enjoy reading this and my future posts 😙 take care