crookedmindset

[crookedmindset]

there she is again

We have gathered here once again, but this time it is in mourning of a friendship-turned-situationship-turned-ghosting situation. It's not like I mind, really. Actually, I do ghost people myself more often than others do. But, god, please remind me, why am I stupid enough to fall for the same tricks that have been going on and off for almost 6 years? Or is it more?

I am not a saint in this relationship, but god help me if I'm not the one who's always left wondering. It always starts with her initiating contact, me - falling for it, and then this beautiful thing we've created together suddenly becomes no contact. I have been burned, hell, I've been CRUSHED by this in the past and apparently, I have learned how to move on from a stupid infatuation that wouldn't work in the real world anyway.

So why am I falling for it over and over again?

And don't get me wrong - I'm definitely not devastated at this turn of events this time around. I expected it, even. I'm just disappointed and mostly mad at myself for falling for stupid, pretty words and a couple of reassurances. I always tell myself that this was the last time, but there she is again, knocking at my doors when I least expect it. And I allow it to happen because there is no reason not to. Because it was a friendship before anything else.

But I don't think it will be a friendship anymore.

[crookedmindset]

to be continued..?

it hasn't been that long since my last post. every time i come here to find peace of mind it seems to be a whole different problem, so i guess this coping strategy works.

i have a problem.

i have a giant fucking problem named "what's next for me?" or "what do i want to do in my life?".

and the thing about my problem is that it had always seemed clear to me. my whole life it was my biggest dream to study as far away from this shithole as i possibly can, but now that the very much real possibility is there, getting closer and closer every minute, i'm having second thoughts.

because the main problem is, i don't want to start anew. i don't want to be so far away from my loved ones even when they give me a headache more often than not. and because i don't want them to feel bad, i don't want them to miss me, i don't want them to be sad about anything. and most of all, i don't want to be so far away if (god forbid) something happens.

but then again, i feel like i can't stay here. the idea of living in this country, and continuing to struggle through this messed up education system seems like the worst fate i could bring on myself. and i'm sure i could get used to it with time like so many people do, but i don't want to regret not taking a chance at something big. just because i deserve it, because i owe this to myself after years of underestimating my abilities.

but what would i even do? it seems like an excruciating and long journey, but what's the point in giving it a go if i'm not 100% sure about it?

there's much more i'd like to add here, but i can't seem to think in words at the moment.

[crookedmindset]

striving for unreachable

there are so many things i set my mind to do. there are countless ideas and dreams i have planned ahead of me without even realizing how much of a burden they are. i want perfection, and i strive for perfection and i expect nothing but perfection when it comes to my own life. always planning ahead, even though i know it is pointless.

knowing the importance of taking one step at a time, even though at the end of the day, the long-term goal is absolutely unreasonable. the constant need to overachieve just because it seems right, because everyone is challenged with difficulties, whether they want to or not. but there is no one but me who will judge me for my mistakes. i am a villain in my own story.

and what's funny - i don't want to stop being the villain. somewhere deep inside, i know i'm capable of doing almost everything and i won't fail. because a single thought of failure wakes a whole new level of fear in me. i can't fail and i won't fail. it's not an option for me.

and i'm so tired of it. so fucking tired that all i do sometimes is tremble in fear of the future. because i can't control it at all. because what if there is a limit to my abilities after all?

i don't feel like myself these days. even this post doesn't sound or feel right. but the thing is i want to give up, but i can't.

[crookedmindset]

broken promises

hi, uh... i don't really know what to say.

there are some things that i really wanted to address but didn't get a chance to. not that it's too late. i just want to get my thoughts in order before i say another stupid thing that will ruin everything. again.

because the thing is, i could see this working out. i could see myself falling in love with you. or can i? it's really difficult for me to differentiate 'i like her' from 'i like the idea of being in a relationship'. especially when i'm not even sure myself if i'm able to fall in love with someone and step out of that forever-single-and-independent comfort zone.

because the thing is, i feel like i look at my needs and emotions more than i will ever look at yours. some things don't even feel that big and difficult, but i just don't want to do them, like something inside of me is broken and stubborn and... i don't even know. so not like you. because i feel like you would do just about anything for me and maybe that's what scares me the most.

because the thing is, maybe i could do everything for you. i want to give you the world and the stars and the whole universe, but it seems to work only in theory. i don't think that i'm living by these beliefs. i don't think that i could ever be enough for you.

because the thing is, i'm questioning whether we are both in a good place mentally to start something like that. it's scary that i feel like we can't be honest with each other sometimes no matter for what reason.

because the thing is, i'm afraid. i'm afraid that this whole relationship is so virtual is almost surreal, because there are so many things that come easier when you don't say them in someone's face. and the thing that's so intimidating about this whole ordeal is the fact that i don't want it to be virtual. i want to be open about things just like we used to be. we used to talk face-to-face every single day. and i understand why it doesn't work like that anymore, i really do. but shouldn't we at least try to spend that short time we have being open about our feelings?

because the thing is, i need lots of space sometimes and i like to run away from things, from people, completely randomly. just like i did that day. just like i will continue to do, until it all shatters to pieces.

because, really, the thing is, i really don't want to break your heart and i don't know what about everything i feel is true emotion, and what part of it is pure guilt.

[crookedmindset]

closure

hi,

i know it's been a while since we fell out. actually, i'm pretty sure it's been over six months already. crazy, right? time sure does fly fast. however, i still can't look you in the eye, even though i'm perfectly fine living a life without you as one of my best friends.

maybe i do miss you a little, and so what.

maybe it was my fault, even though it doesn't feel that way. maybe you just got fed up with my personality and decided that it's too much for you, so you waited for the best opportunity to end it. or maybe you just found friends that make you a better person than i did. or maybe you believe that i made that choice of leaving you.

i understand, whatever the real reason was. i really do. i don't even care anymore. maybe we just weren't made for each other. as simple as that.

but.

i need to stop feeling like i hate you for that. i need to stop feeling like it was all your fault and you're wrong for what you did. because you are not. and as much as we have managed to avoid each other for the last couple months, our eventual encounter is inevitable. by that time i want to be able to be civil enough with you. i want to stop being stressed just because of your presence.

i would love to talk with you about it all, but you made it clear that it's not an option for you.

it's fine. let me just say these things.

thank you for bearing with me. thank you for being my friend in a group of complete strangers. thank you for making me feel understood. and i'm sorry that i wasn't enough for you.

[crookedmindset]

hi, it's certainly been a while. and there's no way in hell i'm reading those old posts (edit: i did), but i remember that this page used to be my safe space when i have no one to talk to and i really need to think some things through.

so, a thing happened. a lot of things happened. actually, a lot of great things happened. i'm reaching most of my ambitions and making some dreams come true. although, i don't feel like i've ever had anything i would call a dream. and maybe that's one of the problems.

but let me start with some quick highlights that my past self would be really happy to hear. first, i'm doing great at school and a lot of people praise me almost too much about that. i love the thrill of achievement, but the attention makes me a little overwhelmed. secondly, i plan to travel a lot this summer. i have no idea how it all will turn out but things are looking great at the moment. the third awesome thing is that i'm able to make a phone call without stressing too much about it. doesn't sound like a great achievement, but it sure is one to me. i also have some actual hobbies. i think. and i'm finally doing english certificates starting this year. i could name some more things, but that's definitely not the main reason to write this whole post.

so, a thing happened. people say sometimes that problems won't solve themselves, but, oddly, they do for me. there's this thing that i know for a fact for more than i can remember - i'm not in the right place mentally and i should seek some help, but can't talk about it to my parents. mostly because there's always a wrong moment. and even if they tried to do something about it in the past i used to shoot it down quickly because it was so stressful to be vulnerable in front of them. and it was a never-ending cycle to me. i couldn't even bring myself to actually look for therapists until earlier this year. maybe i just didn't want to admit it to myself that i, in fact, need help and some things aren't the way they should be. and right now with so much happening and being on top of the world it's even harder to consider my actual feelings. i always wanted to be too busy to think and now when it's happening i wish i could get back to the moment when i was crying almost every other night because i needed someone to help me so badly. i feel like a robot without an ounce of feeling sometimes. i don't think i'm able to experience some intense emotions anymore. is that even a thing?

and at the same time there's so much happening in my head that i literally don't see myself in the mirror most of the time. i have no idea how i look or how i am perceived by people. and most of all i don't know who i really am besides all that 'perfect to a fault' but closed off girl in your class. my fingers are in a critical state most of the time and i can't bring myself to care. because while i know the wounds are physically here, i don't see them. and all that leads to my too-busy-to-seek-help attitude. because while something inside me is screaming for something, i don't care. i don't hear it.

all that rambling and i still didn't get to the main point. my mother talked with my teacher about me and came to me with an idea to get me into some kind of therapy. but i don't think she really understands it the way i do. i mean, maybe for her it's just a thing that will help me build confidence and i just need a good motivation coach. that's not the way i see it. i think that we should start from the scratch and talk through all problems that i experience (which definitely won't be easy with a sudden amnesia whenever i try to think of something that would indicate that i'm not in the right place mentally), maybe try to diagnose something, start treating it and maybe then finally start working on other things. to be ready to achieve the 'perfect super-confident mental state' (as one might call it) we need to get on the ground level first. because right now i'm on the very bottom of my well-being.

there's one more thing. and maybe i shouldn't talk about it since it's all in the past, but i'm rambling and venting everything i could already, so why not. digital footprint? i don't know her. i remember the words 'if you kepp on behaving this way we'll take you to the psychologist and tell all your friends and then they will all leave you' like they were said to me just yesterday. and i sure am older and wiser (as if) right now so i know that therapy should be something to be at least a little proud of. it still doesn't change the fact that these exact words have haunted me for years. and not only have i got an irrational fear of therapy, but also the great beginnings of the 'everyone actually hates me and will leave me if i'm not perfect to them, because they are just using me' way of thinking. and maybe i didn't want to believe that at the time, because i knew all the way back then that my friends weren't like that and wouldn't leave me, but it sticks and it only proves to be true with time. a whole snowball.

and i feel like i just imagined that all. when i know for a fact that these words were said and even worse things used to happen - which i won't mention simply because i have no idea what's truth and fiction now. no one ever talks about it and everyone is suddenly so nice and understanding? it's so confusing to me. if i could blame it all on a bad childhood it would be so much easier but i simply don't remember everything clearly anymore.

all that rambling and still no idea what to do. should i give it a go? when i'm sure that i will get all defensive the minute someone tries to talk to me about something, because there's no such thing as being open in my vocabulary? will i be a burden for anyone that ever tries to help me? because it doesn't help that i'm so deep into the overthinking spiral that nothing is real anymore and everything is a potential threat.

in the end i would just like to say that i am not tough. i am not great. i am certainly not perfect, and i never will be. and i need help, but i have no idea how to ask for it even when it's given to me on a silver plate.

[crookedmindset]

hello, i’m back here to talk about something i’m suddenly feeling right now. i was just fine for the past month, not having enough time to think about my insecurities and fears. i noticed that i’ve made some progress since last year when it comes to some social activities. still, i am absolutely terrified of most of my classmates, i strongly believe they all hate me for god knows what. yesterday and today i came back home from school and just laid on the bed, feeling all anxious about anything and everything. i can’t even get up properly. again, i am just afraid to go to school tomorrow. everything that i feel now will propably dissapear in the morning and come back at evening. god, i want the school to end, but it’s just september.... i want myself to end, i guess. it’s all just too exhausting. i don’t want to worry nor disturb anyone, i don’t know who should i talk to. this is the only option i have. post it on the internet on a “private” blog somewhere on this website. it didn’t really help this time, guess i’m just going to wait till it’s reasonable time and go to sleep.

[crookedmindset]

I hate you. I hate you so much I've never hated anyone in my whole life. I really would love you to disappear. Why are you like this? Why can't you just be a normal person without thoughts like that? Why can't you behave the right way? Seriously, what is wrong with you? You fucking attentional ugly bitch, I hate you so much.

[crookedmindset]

i'm really sad and anxious these days. i want to cry but i can't. everything hurts, even thinking about going to school, all the way i have to go on monday and four following days. it hurts physicaly and mentaly. i would take all the painkillers if that could do anything. but it doesn't work. my anxiety about people who are just around me in the bus or city is still the same. i can't even move in the bus so i'm standing like all the way. i always have my headphones on so i can't hear what people say to me. usually it's not so good because i just can't notice things that are around me. i feel like everyone thinks i'm stupid, selfish little girl, who can't interact with anyone, in big city. i stopped counting times i felt awkward or made someone feel that way. in school i have really kind classmates. i know that they don't hate me or something but i'm scared of, for example, saying a simple hi. i just feel like i'm not needed. they have more important or interesting things to do than having a small-talk with me. even if i start a conversation with someone i can't find a good topic to talk about.

[crookedmindset]

that’s my first three days at new school. i’m really excited when teachers are telling us about the job. that school is really friendly enviroment, i think. teachers are mostly so kind and not that boring. my clasmates seem to be very interesting persons. but there is only one problem. i’m just too afraid to talk to anyone, like i’m just not wanted there. even though i know that’s not true, they don’t know me, they have no reasons to hate me. i still feel like i should not interrupt their conversations, their life. it would be easier if i knew how to talk to people. only thing i usually say to someone is “hi”. and then comes awkward silence. also i can not answer other way than the shortest words possible so it’s hard even though someone is trying to make conversation with me. it’s so bad but i can’t overcome it. it just comes out naturally. and that’s why my anxiety about the proffesion i would like to get is getting stronger. i mean, how could i work with people on daily routine when i can’t even talk to my classmates?