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My relationship with my immediate family is shaky at best; and a lot of that comes from the dysfunctional families that my parents grew up in. So being the 3rd generation in a not-so-cohesive blood line, I have often found it hard to connect with my grandparents, as not even my parents show much in the way of deep connections with them. To sum up my entire relationship with my mom’s parents, is to say that one time in the 3rd grade my family went up to visit them for my Grandpa’s surprise party. And that was the one and only time I ever saw my mom’s parents. Her dad recently passed away, and the relationship between my mom and her mom is toxic at best, so a relationship does not exist between me and those grandparents. And as far as my relationship goes with my dad’s parents – well I suppose I at least have one even if it’s not a happy one. My dad’s parents were much more involved in my life, although I don’t know if I have ever really enjoyed their involvement. My Nana, or as we now call here GG (for Great-Grand Mother to my 2 nephews), has always had the best intentions but the most annoying tendencies. At the time with my Granddad and Nana were moving in with my family, I was about 11 years old. I don’t particularly remember why they were inclined to move in with my family, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it had anything to do with my Granddad’s rapidly declining health. And as an 11-year-old, I was more than happy to share my home with people that I didn’t often get to see. My Nana in particular was very supportive of my development in adolescence, in her willingness to bring me to various appointments (doctor, dentist, orthodontist) as well as encourage me to finish my homework before I was allowed to play with friends after school. She also helped in the way of picking me up from soccer practices and cooking me dinner when my parents were still at work. Her involvement in my life allowed me to stay a kid a little longer than otherwise would’ve happened, and looking back I am more than grateful for that. My relationship started to become compromised however, when I was 16-17-18, years old, and I was still being coddled like an 11-year-old by her. And motifs of “you’re no my mom” started to plague my ideation of my relationship with her. However, upon some reflection I can begin to see why I was never given the independence by my Nana. My Granddad suffered from Alzheimer’s and Dementia in the last years of his life. It was annoying to deal with his repetitive stories that dragged on forever, his inability to do the simplest of tasks, and to see the way he treated my Nana because of his inability to remember. Nancy Gibbs highlights the struggles of aging in her piece about caring for our caregivers (2010). She talks about how children and teenagers are easy to direct around the world, because they are simply gaining more and more freedoms with age. But the conundrum with caring for our caregivers (like parents and grandparents) is that it often involves limiting freedoms they once had. Where teenagers are taught and learn to drive, grandparents are told they are not allowed to drive anymore; where one gains, the other loses. So in the case of my Nana, having to deal with the hardship of taking freedoms away from my Granddad, she was dealing not only with his illnesses but also taking away things she was giving to me and sisters. Such a multitude of stressors would in no doubt affect her ability to balance such delicate subjects easily, while simultaneously watching her life partner wither away in front of her eyes. This relates to another article where Qualls (2013) discusses the ways in which old age in a family can disrupt previously held power structures and relationships. This is because of the way in which the declining health of an individual effects the whole family structure. It’s not just the aging grandparent or parent that is dealing with their worsening health issues, but all of the family members inclined to step in and care for that person also begins to deal with the burdens of worsening health. My Nana was gaining more power than she could handle in her marriage, and when my Granddad finally passed away, she didn’t know how to give up that power that she was holding onto for several years. Thus, my sisters and I became her outlet of her need to care for someone on hand and foot. But this was an issue because I was trying to gain independence and she was threatening that by constantly wanting to do everything for me and being overly concerned about everything. This demonstrates the ways in which relationships in a family can be changed as a result of the declining health of another family member – as well as the way it can persist after the death of that family member. So, without either of my Grandfathers, or contact with my mom’s mother, and a power struggle of a relationship with my Nana, my relationships with my grandparents have been less than ideal. I have always appreciated the things they have given me and the skills I have learned from them, but I think moving out of the house was the best thing I could have done for my relationship with my Nana. Because now I can support her old age by chatting with her when I’m home, but I’m not driven crazy by a constant nagging of questions and ill-placed concerns.  Gibbs, N. (2011). The Coping Conundrum. English Digest, 5, 016. Qualls, S.H. & Williams, A.A. (2013). Caregiver family therapy. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association Press.

Dec. 17th: Blog Post #5

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While the media has never been reliable in representing the accuracy of reality, it’s influence on cultural norms and ideation is still significantly important to consider. Growing up, I remember watching a lot of movies that painted pictures of high school being this big, scary place - full of sex, drugs, and alcohol, and not a whole lot of actual school. I also remember seeing middle school being depicted as a hub of bullying and cliques, instead of showing the variety of other aspects involved in being in middle school. Both of which are not necessarily “wrong”, but were definite glorifications of what middle and high school really was like. And in reflecting back on my adolescence, and the influence of those movies, I can start to understand why I chose to act the way and think the way that I did, during those times. One of my current favorite movies about teens, is “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”. While I had many movies in mind to pick from in thinking about teen movies I enjoy the most, this recently released Netflix Original brought back many memories of other movies I used to watch. Meaning, that movies 10 years ago, and movies today, are largely still the same. There’s always a hopelessly in love teenager, and a popular boy who’s “out of her league” and – against all odds – find what love is, in each other. A theme that is often applied to a range of contexts to best fit the appeal of the movie, most usually in a school setting of some sort. Considering this lasting outline of teen movies, one can question both the positive and negative outcomes of such long lasting movie types. Because, are teens today really so similar to teens 10 years ago, that the movies for and about them, haven’t really changed? -- Movies like “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” seemed like they were helping at the time of my adolescence, but never really were. In my teens, I thought it showed me what love was, and how boys were supposed to treat me. Little did my teenage brain know that my life isn’t scripted like the movies are, and boys can’t read my mind, and my family members won’t always be built in best friends just because we live in the same household and share DNA. While it was still a “feel good” movie, that I found emotional investment in the characters, as I always have over the years, I can definitely pick up on the Hollywood Glamor that makes these depictions of life not quite so attainable. Something that today’s teens watching this movie about teens, might not be able to do just yet. While teenage me would’ve loved the idea of having a “fake boyfriend” that ends up turning into a “real boyfriend”, and that my dad would be super open about taking about sex with me at 16, neither of those are accurate or realistic. In the movie, Lara Jean’s (the protagonist) dad is very clear in setting boundaries with Peter (the “boyfriend”) about no sex, drugs, or alcohol, after Peter asks permission to take Lara Jean to a party. And later talks to Lara Jean, while dropping her off at school to attend a weekend long Ski Trip, notorious for being a weekend many couples have sex for the first time, about sex. He spews out many facts about sex that Chapter 6 in A Practical Guide for Raising a Self-Directed and Caring Child (Litchman 2011) covers and also then touches on the idea that expecting abstinence is a one-way road to teen pregnancy. In the end, he provides Lara Jean with protection, after his very confidently dominated conversation about sex with his daughter. Not only does this show a parent that is so deeply invested in his daughter’s sexual health that he shows no fear or awkwardness in having “the talk” with his daughter, in which she is very uncomfortable in participating in and begs him to stop talking about it. But it also shows a dad that is extremely knowledgeable on topics that most parents try to avoid, here in the real world. And this “perfect parent” characterization of Lara Jean’s dad continues in his diligent efforts to provide for his family by cooking dinner and working enough to afford a nice home, all while being a single dad with 3 daughters. Everything about the parent-child relationship in the movie is a textbook star example of the perfect parent and a perfect child, working perfectly together to have a perfect loving relationship. Making any real parent or child assume that having such a relationship would be effortless and easy; because if Lara Jean and her dad could do it, why can’t they? Such an assumption could lead to stress in the viewer’s parent-child relationships, because of the inability to recreate what the movie depicted. And this unfair assumption of a parent-child relationship -- that parent-child relationships are easy, effortless, and stable -- being highlighted in a new movie, would teach all the wrong messages about what the reality of parent-child relationships. Because, if the movies really wanted to show what a real parent-child relationship was all about, it would show the bickering, and the attitude, and the disobeying of rules, and the rollercoaster of teenage life effecting the day-to-day workings of the relationship, but not the general trend of the relationship. It would highlight these major trends that are taught in my Parent-Child Relationship lecture and the previously mentioned book, in raising adolescents. But instead give this falsified idea of the relationship, setting expectations in unrealistic places, and potentially negatively effecting the parent-child relationships of the viewers that the movie franchised sucked into thinking that perfect = attainable.

Nov. 30th: Blog Post #4

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Growing up, I was no stranger to the idea of being spanked for my bad behavior. In fact, I have very vivid episodic memories in the occasions that I was spanked. However, there are no positive connotations of “I really learned my lesson” or “I never again did that thing because I was spanked”. In fact, most the emotions tied into the memories deal with overwhelming amounts of fear, resentment, and distrust in my parents, and a deep promise to myself to never act in such a way with my own kids. Based on this alone, my views of spanking have been known to be very biased and negative. Taking a step back, and viewing the idea of spanking from a very objective point, the value of correcting bad behavior is just a reasonable and justifiable, as the value in using alternative disciplinary actions instead. To give this side of the argument a foundation that is representative of its support, according to Child Trends’ article on Attitudes Towards Spanking, by and large, spanking is viewed as “sometimes necessary to discipline a child”, as agreed upon by the majority of those who participated in the poll. While a slight negative trend can be addressed, over 60% of males and females who participated in the survey, responded in a way that agreed to the idea of the necessity of spanking. Originally, this idea did not shock me, as spanking seems to be a traditional response to the misbehavior of children. But that made it no more disappointing to think about how people could view the physical punishment as okay, much less sometimes necessary. Using this statistic as a starting point of the conversation about spanking, places the conversation in a setting of understanding why so many people think in the same way, instead of focusing on personal anecdotal evidence as means to justify one side or the other. I was not until a class discussion, that I was able to start to see the other side of the argument. While many points were made about “wow factors” of using unexpected means of discipline would increase the response of the use of that disciplinary action, and that on occasions, spanking can prove to be useful in terms of “just enough” fear to engage change. It was not until the idea of combing the spanking with other disciplinary actions came up, that I began to entertain the idea of using spanking sometimes. But with the definition of sometimes being equitable to something quantifiable with the fingers of one hand. You see, spanking, in combination with other means of discipline, can bring the attention in of some children, and then become a teachable moment. Connected to the idea of attunement, as discussed in the class as the understanding of the specific child’s needs in that specific moment and situation, spanking can be a tool that a certain kind of child needs in that moment to bring their attention to the seriousness of their misbehavior. It was in this moment, that I was able to empathize with the idea that individually speaking, spanking many not be so bad after all. But it is up to the parent’s discretion on the needs of their child in that instance, that would justify the use of corporal punishment – in my opinion. With this in mind, and a new understanding and appreciation for parent’s doing what they find would best fit the needs of their children given the context they are situationally in, it is hard for me back up the idea of spanking, so much as to say that I can one day see myself engaging in the use of such discipline. The difference now, is more so that I don’t judge the parents as harshly as I once would, which is arguably a more beneficial outcome of understanding the other side of the spanking debate. In effort to promote a variety of other discipline options, below is a link that can be used as a helpful resource to become aware of the different alternatives to spanking. Link to alternative guidance behaviors, as opposed to spanking: https://extension.umn.edu/parenting/encouraging-positive-behavior#positive-discipline-1128762 Link to statistical information discussed in the blog: https://www.childtrends.org/indicators/attitudes-toward-spanking

November 9, 2018

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If you take any child psychology class in college, you can guarantee you will talk about child attachment styles. With studying child psychology, myself, the amount of times I have studied attachment styles and their effects on long term and short term scales, what factors influence the styles both biologically and environmentally, and so on, is more than I can count. And considering that the child psychology department is not huge one, I always would get annoyed with the repetitious content of class – like can the professors please get together and determine who gets to talk about it, because I really don’t think everyone needs to. But that’s the thing: child attachment styles are so pivotal in so many aspects of development, that you really can’t help but always fall back on it. Stepping away from the lecture halls, office hours, and textbooks, the application of attachment styles is not so easy and simplistic. Especially, when you have a human life in front of you, that you are responsible for. And while it is never a parent’s goal to provide anything less than the world for their child, secure attachment in the parent-child relationship that has to tended to – it won’t “just happen” necessarily. Think of it like following a Bob Ross painting tutorial. You have all the tools in front of you, step-by-step instructions on how to create a quality piece of artwork, but if you are not diligently putting your effort and focus into creating those “happy trees” just right, your happy trees won’t look so happy in the end. So coming back to the idea of providing a space for, and nurturing, securely attached relationships, I think you can boil it down to about four overarching themes: Consistency, Balance, Parental Identity, and Respect of Roles. In terms of being consistent, it is the idea of “Be There”. Being there for the child in all situations, in all capacities, and in terms of the specific needs of the specific child. It’s about creating habits and behaviors that can become an expectation for the child, by both the child and the parent. And with those expectations, understanding of why they exist and how they help, can create an environment for the child in which makes sense to them, and serves to foster their growth. It’s not easy to be consistent – with day to day stressors making patience a virtue. But it is the focus on a trend on consistency over time. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is 100%, but keeping serve and return as an active thought in front of your mind, can help to create a space that is easy to thrive in. Balance is something any adult will tell you is needed in all aspects of life. To be a secure base for your child’s exploration in the world, is not the same thing as handing them everything they will ever need ever to be a fully functioning adult. While I’m sure no parent wants to see their child suffer or make mistakes – they are the biggest opportunities for growth, and therefore should be encouraged. Protecting children from mistakes and from exploration, handing them everything they need, can lead to Helicopter parenting, which is not the same thing as secure attachment. Secure attachment is about being a safe haven – a secure base – a safe place your child knows they can always return to in times of stress or danger. Parental Identity takes me back to freshman year of college in an Intimate Relationships course. It was talked about in terms of being more than just a significant other (you’re still a friend to someone, a sibling to someone, a child to someone). But in applying it to this scenario, it can be thought of being more than “mom” or “dad”. Parenting is 24/7, 365 days a year. There is no punching out, or paid time off, because you’re always being watched and needed and are therefore always on the clock. But with that much pressure and responsibility, it can be easy to forget who you were before a parent, or to forget that you are more than a parent. Taking time to be with your significant other – without the kids around – or to see your friends – without the kids around – or just by yourself – without the kids around – will encourage a healthy working self-model. And with that, will give parents the energy to be the best parent they can be. Respecting the Roles of the relationship is the last aspect of secure attachment. Understanding that the child has a part in their own growth puts into perspective who is responsible for what in the relationship. It ties together a lot of the ideas of the three previous points, in that being securely attached is not possible without both the parent and the child, actively partaking in the experience. Just like the relationship between best friends; only in a parent-child context, the roles are not always 50/50 from the start. But working with each other instead of the parent working for the child, or the child working to gain a relationship with no response from the parent, will bring about a relationship built off of a strong foundation. Parenting isn’t as easy as picking up a textbook or a manual and following steps 1-4 to get the desired outcome. It’s about providing a place for growth for most importantly the child, but in a second-hand way, allows for a place of growth for the parent as well. Being securely attached provides a spring board for children to launch themselves into success in their later years of development and life. So it’s important to work towards what it means in your context, in your world, because individual differences must not be over looked.              Adapting things like consistency, balance, parental identity, and roles, to reflect what they need to for you and your child specifically, is just as important as acknowledging what it takes to have securely attached relationship between parent and child.

October 19, 2018

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Growing up, my life was filled with “because I said so”, “you’re too young to understand”, “you haven’t had enough life experience to know”, “this isn’t up for debate”, “I’m not going to argue with you over this”, “I don’t need to explain myself to you”, and – well, you get the idea. Looking back on my childhood experience, I now realize so 2 things: 1. I’m becoming an adult, and my childhood is now something I reflect on, instead of live (scary) 2. My parents – most notably, my father – weren’t the best at what they were doing as parents. I turned out fine, (for the most part) but being able to learn from their mistakes will aid me more in my future, than having them as parents aided me in my past. This blog is a journey of self-reflection and the acquisition of knowledge; a journey to understand the aspects of parent-child relationships, through the context of my own. If you think about the relationship you have with yourself or with your best friend, not everything is always constant. You don’t have the best day of your life every single day – some days you fight yourself and some days you may find yourself to be in a fight with your best friend. Life is complicated, and so are the relationships you have while living it. There is nothing wrong with having ups and downs, good days and bad days, in life; it’s simply just a part of the ride. This same idea holds true for the relationships we have with our parents. A healthy relationship between parents and children can be described as loving, caring, close, as well as complicated and challenging, simultaneously. Considering this juxtaposition in a parent-child relationship, you become aware of the importance of context. As any college course on growth, development, or relationships alike would tell you, context is everything. Take the same family, and put them in neighborhood of wealth and prosperity, and they will behave much differently than if they were placed in a neighborhood of poverty. The Economist wrote a piece that describes how the context of living situations can affect the ways in which parents are able to parent their children. It speaks on a neighborhood in the top 1% in income and education attainment, as well as one in the bottom 10%, and the parenting behaviors of those in the respective communities. By describing the ways in which the two worlds differ so greatly, despite their common connection in parenting out of love and the want for their child’s success, The Economist was able to capture the importance of context in parenting and the subsequent relationship a parent has with their child (The Economist 2014). Not only is it important to consider the context in which the parent is parenting in, in order to understand the dynamics of the parent-child relationship, but you also much consider the idea that human development is every changing, and thus the factors surrounding the individual will be enduring that ebb and flow as well. Human development is not just nurtured by the parents, but also by the friends, school systems, communities, and so much more (Bronfenbrenner’s Bioecological Model). However, a parent serves as a very proximal influence on a child, and thus the child is very vulnerable to the effects of their relationship with their parents. So, looking at the resiliency of the parent-child relationship in an individual’s life can characterize the growth and development of that human, in very meaningful ways. Especially when you look at what the most constant trends over time, from a holistic point of view. To give provide an example of what I mean, I will end with a description of the context my childhood development took place in: While I have very vivid memories of being hit with a very distinctive hair brush (the one I still use to this day to brush my own hair with), being yelled at and called names, made to feel humiliated by the simplest of things. To be met with anger and rage, when approached with confusion, curiosity, and the want for answers. I also think of my mom taking me and my sister to the Girl Scout Daddy-Daughter dance, in place of my permissive might-as-well-be-none-existent father, despite the embarrassment to be the odd ones out. What remained constant over all of the situations, over all of that time spent loving and hating my mom, was her empathy and generosity. You before me, always. It is a lesson I learned early on, and this empathic view of others gave me the insight to pursue career choices in helping others. It is the foundation of my love and caring for her wellbeing and for our communion. Despite the lowest of lows in my respect for her, and want for her in my life, it was the recognition and appreciation of all that she did in the context of our toxically dysfunctional family, that made me realize she is so much more than what meets the eye. And while my development was effected by the bad just as much as the good, it was the resiliency of my being and the want to be there for her, as she was for me, that made the parent-child relationship grow, just as I did. A parent’s job is to foster the growth of a child, and while it isn’t always a perfect system, the development of those little humans is highly dependent on the relationship they have with their parents. A relationship that can be just as messy as life itself can be; but when you take 9 steps back and view the picture as a whole, you come to find the patterns and trends that mark the development of a child and the development of the relationship.

September 28th, 2018