cries-and-sings

[cries-and-sings]

Roncan, pero no pueden con mi pum pum

well another one bites the dust. I hope not literally, but goddam. Insert Cry face emoji.

He hasn’t called in a couple of weeks.

He’s probably in Puerto Rico.

I thought he really liked me. Unlike C and F, I was sure of it. But I feel like he’ll call. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. Like with C and F. Jesus fuck man, I know I needed a break, logically speaking, that is, but Iwas really hoping this one wouldn’t end like the rest. I feel like each entanglement I have found myself in, has been better than the last. So at least there’s that? And I feel like I have learned a good lesson with them both. 

So what is the lesson Mr Tall dark and handsome. You spark me whole.

SO WHAT wasTHE REASON lol 

What is the lesson. What can I learn from you, officer. other than at least I got to see a really nice ..

You’re so good looking, pero es tu manera  de ser, your wittiness, your intelligence, your realness, that make you so unimaginably so desirable. I’m not gonna lie tho, I love how big your hands are, too. 

It’s crazy with you, I really thought we had a connection. I was sure my grandpa gave you to me. Am I insane? sigh

Here is what I want to happen:

You call, you’re real with me. You tell me you wanted to have fun. You’ll apologize, augh I can;t even imagine a best case scenario.

ok you apologize, but then ask to come see me. At which point I tell hime when cause I’m going to Mazatlan. And then he comes to see me later.

But this is what I think will happen:

You’ll call in some time, apologizing for not calling sooner, and you’ll say I like you but I don’t wanna do the whole long distance thing. boo!

Here is what I am afraid will happen:

You won’t call at all. And I am weak and text you. 

[cries-and-sings]

boy im thinking bout you.

I am so excited anxious to see you. 

am i doing too much, am i going to be embarrassed about it later? 

with my track record, probably, or so I try to tell myself, though im just gushing. I want him, and he wants me. 

[cries-and-sings]

A marathon, rather

a bit intoxicated, as such, a shitty analogy. 

it’s not a race. you have been doing so much better. Still traces of anxiety and deppressive thoughts here and there. But there are now more noticeable pulls from negative thoughts, or rather it is the negative  thoughts that

[cries-and-sings]

at last

at last. Here i am. Once again. This time is different in the sense that “nothing has happened”. This is more of a “i know i need to process everything that has happened this winter”

that being said, I am almost done with winter, well my outstanding Winter items. 

Waiting for results. I am hopeful that I will be okay. I feel okay, no symptoms, but I  need that negative result to be done with that chapter of my life. God I hope that it is a new chapter and not just a prolonged winter chapter. 

So the things that have happened. I have been impulsive, I have let myself get carried away, even when I did not want things to happen. I let myself get pulled into things I didn’t know how to say no to. Even before I liked him. 

Anduve volando bajo. 

Necesito terminar las cosas bien before starting new emotional entanglements. 

My attempt at finding a soulmate has taken me into some really dark, albeit, sometimes euphoric, places. 

But you need to stop giving every piece of you. I am pretty awesome, yet I am the only one who doesn’t see it that way

Outside of men and relationships. Family, I took a break from them. 

I love them, but they are not here for me. That is still true today. 

so how what are the next steps?

K-I love you, but you have not been there for me. I’m too much for you, and that is okay. I know you have your life going on too. So if you call me, I will be there but it works both ways, so I won’t be pursuing as much as I previously have. If I was to end it all. I don’t know that I would have any more words for you. Our relationship has been superficial at best. What do I hope for you? obviously the best, whatever that is for you. But I just know you at a very superficial level to know or have a better idea of what it is. Is it a defense mechanism for you to maintain a distance? maybe? I hope you know that I believed you. and I my biggest hope for you, is that that becomes an insignificant part of your life. Not to say that I hope you brush it off, but rather in the sense that I hope you have way better times that that one event that has scarred you, I hope you are able to live your life the way you want to live it. Jesus fuck, writing this has made me realize I really don’t know much about you after I grafuated highschool. Not my fault though, I have been open with you pretty much always. I just find it sad and funny that there is so much I didn’t know about you, even during the times I knew you the most. 

D-You are my baby. I have tried to be there for you, as much as is sisterly possible, possibly to a flaw. I am afraid for you but I hope things really work out for you. I will always be rooting for your. My hope for you, was that you didn’t have it as hard as I did. You have been my trial as a child that I honestly don’t know that I will have. But you are grown. A man child. I wish our relationship didn’t feel as strained as it feels today. But I am a provider to you. And that is it. I love you, and I only hope that I am strong enough to keep my distance, and mouth shut, from you and your new family. 

[cries-and-sings]

onward

because this needs to be a lesson. It just has to. Otro tropezon, but baby girl, you gotta do you and pick yourself up one more time. It’s been a hard week, just one more winter laundry list item to check off. 

There will always be reasons to be negative. The will is there, even though the way hasn’t been clear, well ever. Shit thats deep. a plan, it’s so hard to see past the haze of insecurities, confusion, and indecisiveness.

I don’t want to do environmental health anymore. 

[cries-and-sings]

Mi querido flaco

I really like your personality. Desde la primera vez que salimos te lo dije, y te lo vuelvo a decir. 

Me has ensenado tanto sobre mi, sobre la vida, sobre las cosas en las que necesito trabajar. 

Nunca me imagine que sucederia lo que sucedio. It’s been a rollercoaster.

Ya van como 3 meses. and goddamn so much has happened these last 3 months. 

Si no hubiera pasado lo que paso. Lo que me sobro de mis enredos anteriores. My depression my anxiety y todo lo demas. como estariamos?

Antes de que supiera, estaba tan emocionada, cuando me dijiste que querias que estuvieramos bien. Esa noche, pense que eras la persona para mi. Por si no te lo habia dicho me encanta tu personalidad.

Aun que parte de mi sabia.

No eres para mi, ni yo para ti. As crazy as things got, me diverti mucho contigo. Y me gustaria seguirle, aun que solo to chill. 

Me encanta que tan perverso eres. jaja pero bueno a ver como acaba todo. 

I care about you mi flaco, pero hasta ahi. 

Part of me is upset que no quisiste nada mas. Pero me importas. 

[cries-and-sings]

dear you

I don’t know what to call you. I am afraid I will one day call HIM by your name. 

I know we weren’t official. Not even close, I get that, but you have no idea how intensely I burned for you. 

You were so kind and warm. You were a good dancer. You were my first dance partner, the best at the time.

We did not spend much time together, but apparently that was enough to make an impact. Enough to still think about you and the times we were together. 

It was you- as much as I second guess myself, it was you who fucked up, whether you knew it or not it was you, and that is on you, not me.  

I am to blame too for being so vulnerable. I was so naïve. So into you, I let myself get carried away.   

It was so intense too quickly. Too intense to be healthy. 

At the end of the day, you were not interested and that’s fine. It does not matter that I keep telling myself that you did in reality like me, that you were still raw from your last relationship. It is what it is. 

I left you on read. You have no idea how much I wanted to respond and let you know that I couldn’t help you out, not that I did not want to. I was so sure I would respond.

Part of me wants to think that it was to hurt you so that you could feel what I felt all those times. The petty part of me. The part of me that wanted to, turn on the read receipts, just so that you would know. But I know you know.

But you don’t deserve me. 

You do not deserve a reply. After all of those mind games, you don’t deserve a reply. You played me, whether it was your intention or not, you did. 

I let you know and that is all that I owed you. Not more not less.

If I were to see you, I would pretend my hardest to not see you. 

A lesson lived is a lesson learned. 

It is what it is. 

[cries-and-sings]

Here we go

Hi, me, girl, damn it’s surely been a mother fucking while.

Where to begin. fuck I never thought that there would be anything I wouldn’t even be afraid of posting on the internet, yet here I am.

Lesson learned. 

It seems silly to even think about anything positive coming from this. Hasta ahorita everything else was fine.Hopefully it stays like that. I am stressed. These last couple of weeks have been so hard. It seems like I can’t catch a break. 

but i think i may be coming to terms with it. as much as one can anyway. At the same time, I have been feeling so over being anxious. That is either an internal wake up call, or a fall into a deep abyss that is depression. feels like the formal, pero ya me conozco, i need to explore every branching possibility. so girl it feels like it’s a wake up call. 

At work, Im not sure how much i want to explore my career. that  and how much energy I want to place in it. 

But my comfort zone has always been what i am used to. Even if that means staying inside these spinning anxiety events in addition to a baseline depression.

Why is that the case?

I think it is because I am afraid of things getting worse? Committing and locking myself into a career and even life path? Fear of adding additional not needed stress and anxiety? I think this is it. I fear that a bigger badder anxiety monster exists. is the severity of an anxiety attack exponentially grow? and the frequency, too. Would it get worse?

I’m a survivor. My first instinct is survival. So much so, that even my dreams are apocalyptic. They don’t stress me out anymore, or at least not as much as they used to. but i want to have better dreams. 

for such a worrisome person, I sure get carried away at the slightest sign of happiness. I become too elated too quickly. and crash and burn. How normal is that? My big headed ego defensively assures me that it is. But I am confused, and girl don’t blame yourself, but you really dont have experience in dating. the one you had was over a decade old. 

but omg el morenito me derritio a primera vista. i hope it wasn’t too obvious 

but he called me right away. professional but a bit of a flirt?

[cries-and-sings]

patterns

it’s a pattern.

[cries-and-sings]

You can call me Nancy

  Oh man oh man. 

Where to start. Well it starts with jesus fuck. Ni por donde empezar but I guess I need to process every little thought and re-read everything. 

Pre news. Starting from the beginning because I feel like I had so much to process from the Holidays alone and that is important to me. 

Post therapy session: I knew it was going to be hard, given how Thanksgiving went down. I think I did a good job of preparing. So yay me. Honestly nothing could’ve prepared me lol. 

Was I too hard on gifts? I didn’t get anyone gifts. Was this a jerk move on my part? It feels like it wasn’t I got some for Allison. I always get something for my siblings. Usually quirky shit and I have always been thoughtful for their birthdays, invitations, cakes, you name it. I never expect anything from anyone, my bar is that low lol, so I hope they weren’t expecting anything from me. on the other hand, I was hurt they hung out without me yeah that stung but it made me realize that I try too hard. But this upcoming year was supposed to be about giving the same energy I get. It was about finding out that my siblings are just siblings. I love them but we are not besties. It was about not going above and beyond for them like I have in other years. I annoy them, but I am done going above and beyond trying to have the relationship I thought we had. How often should I reach out? once a month? 

Consensus: I don’t feel bad, but wondering if they should, when they probably don’t even care. 

This year and next have also been about creating boundaries with my family, not just mom and dad. Mom was upset I did not make that much food, and then she asked me to clean up after myself. Like I’m not the daughter that helps her with everything. Like I am not the one who cooked the whole Thanksgiving dinner. I am the eldest responsible daughter. I just read somewhere, something along the lines of “you are not the main character in everyone’s stories”. And that’s true, why am I wasting my energy in making sure everyone is doing okay, when they do the bare minimum for me when I need them? I guess I need to determine which kinds of things I will be there for. It’ll be smart to think about that in advance. Definitely when it is health related. 

My whole life I’ve always thought I was so much like my mom. The older I get the more I dislike her as a person, which is good for me, since she’s probably been the most judgmental person in my life and seeing her flaws , she’ll always love me and she’s a good mom in the sense that she does want me to be happy. I love her and there are things that I do love about her. She’s goofy and she loves me enough to try to not push me away. But she is not proud of who I am as a person, when has she complimented me for me, my art, my dancing? She just sees me as a walking aging uterus in more than one way. I feed her baby, I pay most of her baby’s rent. What sucks is that she is not afraid to let me know what she thinks I should be doing. Like I am the one that needs to hear it.  

Is Karen mad? I don’t care after all that I’ve written lol

Getting something for Sharmaine. just find another small gift. 

the old comments. My culture still values my uterus above me. I was shocked to not have any support. 

Tio Juan comments made me feel guilty. IDGAF. Jose made his bed now he has to lie on it. My only fault was not having a tougher backbone to demand what I wanted when I wanted. He was more aware than I realize, more than I gave him credit for. So he did take more than he gave. And so fucking lazy with sex. Jesus fuck. 

I closed my Wells Fargo account. I know  you are not happy, I hope you get there, but you’re not. Be kind to her. I honestly don’t care if you are doing things for her that you didn’t do for me because you don’t mean it. 

Is mom mad I am not jumping with joy?

She doesn’t try hard with me. or am hypersensitive.

I’ve done a good job of faking it or pushing through the hurt lol. without realizing it, I have gotten really good at reacting how I’m supposed to be reacting. 

Locking the door so Koda doesn’t come in?

David understood- because theyre beaners

i don’e even care that it snowed on Christmas.

new years

Chris- facts only no feelings 

siblings 

Is  

feel at peace in a sense this has made me realize how fucking stable I am and how I am not the one with the problem, or most of them anyways. Im a fucking genius if we are being honest tho. it is what it is.

[cries-and-sings]

Let’s just kiss

It would hurt me, I can’t lie. 

I am whaaat... oh so many things. So let’s just kiss. Understand me. Let’s just kiss. I like kissing you. I like it when you kiss me. When you look at me, grab my face, pull my chin towards yours, and kiss me. i like the way you close your eyes when you do. I keep them open a split second longer than yours, but that’s only because it feels unreal. but you close your eyes and that makes me feel good. 

At the same time, I go back and forth in questioning every little thing. I think the horror stories are the loudest, and therefore, what I worry about the most. That this seems to goof to be true. Reality check. Victoria said to trust joy, funny I first mistyped thrust. Thrusting joy is a okay with me haha. It feels so real. 

Your arms around my waist. the way you fucking look at me and focus into me. I think of Anthony a lot when I think of you. I think it’s because you have a similar personality, and the long hair and Anthony is a person whose integrity I trust. Most definetely NOT attracted to Anthony, but he is a sweet human being. And so that makes me trust you, and that terrifies me. oh my god that is what is fucking is. I dont trust people. And society in general has taught women not to trust men. so it kind of feels like im going against the rules. straying from my safety nest.

I haven’t really much thought into how you’re feeling. I know you like me. Question is, how much. A lot I think, I’m afraid it’s wishful thinking clouding my judgement. 

And how could I forget the eye contact we maintained as we were dancing. That just wasn’t me. Your eyes laser  focused on me. I know Victoria says I’m a good loooking woman. But truth is, is that I am insecure. I’m cuter than the average woman, not much but a bit. But I guess  I often times don’t feel pretty. I definitely do some times, but not enough to not question if you are attracted to my face. 

I’m also afraid that you are just a nice guy who doesn’t realize he’s leading me on. I wan’t the extra effort to be because you really like me. 

[cries-and-sings]

Like a fucking stone

what a crazy week it’s been! 

We started talking last Sunday? What a fucking surprise. 

I have had so many different emotions. Had a therapy session last Tuesday and I think by then I was already feeling some type of way.

on to the facts

not sure when we matched on tinder. 

He messaged me on Friday, not this last one but the one before. 

On Monday morning I gave him my number.

he sent me baby goat pictures

we continued to talk

made plans for today (Sunday)

we have talked everyday, throughout the day. 

added me on snapchat

he canceled saying he was tired.

on to the emotions

How I feel now

stupid-  especially after the way I felt yesterday. Like I always go out of my way to be so accommodating. A doormat. 

angry- My ego fucking hurts, he did say he was tired yesterday and today to his defense, but it is what it is. 

a sad type of way- I am angry but keep telling myself to stop being so dramatic.

he sent me a snap. I want to so much look at it but i need to promise myself I won’t answer. should I make myself not open it? does it make me look petty?

how I felt Yesterday 

it was a mix of self doubt, day dreaming and so much giddyness

how I’ve felt on and off

not good enough-  sigh. 

Other facts: 

-Saw JC with his gf. Made me feel stupid telling him i missed him. just awkward

- I miss Koda! I’m going to go back for him sometime this week. 

[cries-and-sings]

Pienso en ti

so recap of last week...

I missed him like crazy. I missed his quirky butt. But I did not miss his nasty habits. I messaged him to see if he wanted to have dinner, but he was busy. I keep thinking that I can fix him. Whatever that means. That things can be different. That he will clean, shower without me having to tell him. That he will do his laundry. That he will help me clean. Ahhhh. Part of it is that Im baby hungry. A big part of it is also worried that he will not find someone. I felt guilty. 

I keep telling myself that he found a girl he liked. a girl he introduced to his family. I know that it was to mask the pain but still. Here I am from time to time feeling guilty. 

 I haven’t been as interested in dating as of lately, post John lol. I don’t think he liked me, I think he was lonely and horny. It’s okay though because I definitely did not like him but I was most definitely horny too. He was good looking, but goddamn, he made me cringe too much to actually like him. I had a hard time relaxing intimately with him. Cuddling was so awful. It reminded me of me being akward as fuck with Anton back in 2009. 11 years ago damn. I didn’t like him touching me. I guess I just don’t like that in general. And that’s what I missed about JC too. He was so warm and we cuddled perfectly. 

Online dating is too shallow though. Guilty of that myself, I know. But how do I get to know a person just by texting. lol.

Looking back at it he did like me, I think it’s just my insecurities lying to me. 

I’m good though. I’ve been counting my blessings as of lately. It’s not that I was ungrateful or only looked at the negative, I just did not feel good, ah yes that’s the difference. It’s easier to know and feel what you have going for you when you’re not fucking depressed. The bad things, or life in general, feel heavier. I think I’m coming out of it though. 

Work has been better I think. anyways enough for tonight. 

Gnight. 

[cries-and-sings]

Mi querido amor.

So it’s been a while my love. I am so fucking obsessed with you. Nothing matters, Im beyond smitted. Let’s start with the simple stuff; youre cute and you know it. I wouldnt say it’s a reach but more of a truth. It allows you to truly be your mad self. But then again this is just speculation. I don’t know you. 

You want way more than everyone i know. that makes you different that makes you unique, that makes you insane. What does that say of me? I used to care, but not anymore. 

But I dont care as you may or may not know. I am here, but you are not. Maybe you’ve unlocked a deeper desire for the soul for the being.

I am the opposite. I am a realist, a pessimist perhaps. You look for meaning and unlocking seldom seen truths and I look at things in ways that allow me to continue and move forward. I am too literal, you are not. 

I’ve often internally debated if this makes me less than. Less worthy than. But I am a survivor. It’s in the game, lol. Wether it is a bad thing or not, I am working on myself, because the alternative is not a pretty picture. 

Te quiero silly. 

So I’ll just end this, not for a lack of words i could write about you - cause fuck my heart could go on and on lol, but for my immediate need to go to bed and shower- Let’s dance baby!

[cries-and-sings]

Letter to J

you never had to do much, not really, i gave up everything for you, and well, these are my results. All of the things i did for you, truly came out of the goodness of my being, i felt so warm aroun dyou, but you rarely, well if ever, reciprocated. I tell myself it’s because you never knew how to. But i don’t think i ever asked for much. is there really a way to end it all. all i ask from this world is to end it all peacefully, I just want to drif t off with the biggest high i think that at the very least i am owed this. thats the least i could ask for, that;s the least i seserve. jose 

[cries-and-sings]

Truth is

4088i am not gonna lie, I love being intoxicated. I feel that it is the only time i can be myself. Do i embarrrass myself, hell yeah. I’m the little kid that never got any attention, and so i am starving for it now. I am not okay. 

i think tonight proves  how my parents see me, as a parent. 

She asked me to take care of them, as always. She doesn’t see how I feel, how could she I’m her parent too. i am not okay. I think tonight has really opened my eyes as to how she, well they, see me. 

My family has never made me feel so suicidal before. It;s as if I’m just here to give, not take. That is what my life has been about. My cries f or help continue to be ignored. im really good at being ignored. 

is this the end? My only friend the end. 

Victoria? how do i get over this, im so tred, but no o ne can see this. 

It’s just that i dont want to have to tell h=them that i wanns kill myself for them to care, it should nerver come to that, but i am afraid that thats what it’s going to take. and to be honest, im never gonna let them know that. Anne is the closest person to tell to, my mother has never been a mother to me. my father menos, 

[cries-and-sings]

88It is on fire, I’m on fire. I feel it in my extremeties. I feel my face flushed with, yo no se que, anxiety? Uncomfortable for sure. Panicky even. 

therapy day today. Unlike other days, it was more of a conversation. It was fine, though it felt a bit like i was paying someone to be my friend. lol. 

my fingers are so warm, my feet are burning too. the window is open. It’s almost comical, every past year, it’s been complaining that we don’t really get summers here. Well we skipped summer weather and went to a scorching hell. Trees burning, I’m burning up. A symptom of something that’s been a long time coming. But it’s here bitches, and no one gives a shit. 

There is no turning back now. A chunk of ice, the size of Florida, melted in teh Artic, in one day. flooding will be an issue, except for here, where everything will be burning up. 

I’ve always thought that my quality of life, as a woman of color, is better off in the present day. I think it was a gross over-simplification. For one, I wonder how much more majestic our surroundings would be. If nature is so beautiful now, I can’t imagine what it was like back then. Mi pueblito wouldn’t smell like burnt plastic. Water would be present, and there would be many birds full of chirp and color. The parakeets, I think it is my favorite childhood memory. That flock of flourescent lime green. Instead it is what it is. and the fish, I wouldn’t know that they existed, so i would never have seen them. Not that I’ve seen it for myself now, but i hear that someone’s dad’s dad said it used to be beautiful. to clarify, on a documentary a man talked about the drastic decrease in coral reef fish and biodiversity in the ocean in general. I think this was in some tropical island. I dono’t remember how young this man was, but it doesn’t matter because the result is the same and his perspective highlights how drastic the downward trend of oxygen depletion in general is. Well then let me throw another one at you, this same man, talks about how when he was a young boy, his father told him the same thing. How there were less fish than there used to be when he was a boy. And of course, wouldn’t you know it, the man’s father would tell him the same thing. 

I think I’m pretty mad, as an avid admirer of nature, that I will never be able to see it, not even in picture. Of course one could create a realistic image of what that would have looked like. But at the end of the day, it would just be all speculation, a guess. 

Global warming most likely began during the pre-industrial and industrial times, according to the internet. 

in my typical indecisive fashion, I can’t choose which period of time i would be better of in. 

Maybe I would’ve been happy in pre columbian times, though my existance wouldn’t even be possible. Why that infuriates me, I don’t know. I’m mized race, wether I like it or not. 

So I’ve digresed, the story of my family:

Dad- Short (5′4″ maybe 5′5 in his young days, his nose has a bit of a hook. He for the most part, took after his father. Beautiful thick black straight hair. Thick eyebrows, his teeth are virtually the same size. Small shovered teet. His eyes are wide, East Asian like almost. His parents, I imagine, were both short. 

His mother was born in Tixtla, Guerrero. A bigger town than where I and my father were born, which to me, is an isolated little town. I see now that that isn’e necessarily true, the isolated part. It is crazy to me that everyone knows everyone. I worry about incest lol. Eveolution fascinates me more that I realize, and the fact that the gene pool is small, you can see why one could worry. But again, me distraigo. I am proud of her lineage the most, because it would be the most native one. I was born in Native country and I am enamored with that culture. Not all of my antepasados are native to that area though. And they must’ve not have been good people. At least from the stories dad shares, they weren’t. The thing is, I don’t know arnything about my grandma, because I never interacted with her, i mean im sure i did if i was born in her home, but i remember all of my grandparents more than i remember her. Like i remember what she looked like, I just can’t remember even talking to her. And then there is the fact that I even existed, just at first though. I mean i can’t say for sure, but she was not happy about that my dad and mom got together. And she loved another little girl more. It’s fine though? Maybe, because I don’t remember being sad when she passed. I was afraid my father would be taken away from me, but not as sad about my grandma dying. I am still not super sad about it. I exaggerate it with dad, cause he loved his mom. But from what I heard, I was not her favorite. lol. I mean I’m sure she loved me some. and mom says she did apologize for the way that she treated her, so remorse or fear. quien sabe. y hasta le encargo a su hijo, her baby, that must’ve meant something.  

But her dad was a real prick. he left her mom, taking with him, a year’s harvests. What he did leave were a few hungry mouths. My dad hates the man. He would hate the fact that he would stop by my granparent’s place to get some mescal from my grandpa. Such a shameless man. I wonder what her mom’s name was, Lucina? I honestly don’t remember, I remember that I did know that when I was little. I wonder what her story was like. I have a picture of them though, so I know what they were like. Did dad know his great grandparents. Do most people know who their great grandparents were? about half of Americans know 1 or more of their granparents name. I wonder if that statistic is the same for Mexicans. 

On my grandpa’s side. His mother got around. Paternity quien sabe quien, dad knows, a Najera maybe? shit what are my granparent’s maternal last names? Well I know about her the most, becaus she lived with dads family. Story goes that her mom died when she was little, then her dad was a wealthy man, better to do at least. anyways he didn’t want to join the Mexican Revolution and ran and was able to hide for some time, but was eventually executed for it. I think dad told me the story of how that exactly unfolded, but I don’t remember it now. 

Anyways the girls were orphans, but she remembers her dad taking her to Chilpancingo, and she made it sound like she had been to Mexico City too. Which is huge, travel by horse would be insane. It’s crazy to believe that that was reality for most of humanity up until the last 150? years or so. thousands of years that was the norm, and now we fly,too. she sowed dresses, she saw a soldier shoot himself when he dropped his rifle from atop his horse and kill himself. Eran chismosos lo viejitos? who knows. Well then she was orphaned and she supported herself through sowing. She was white, her family was European, the last name, what was her last name? It just hit me that I do not know. but she did give my uncle a very italian name. but who was the man whose last name I carry. A missing puzzle piece.

Mom’s dad 

Mi hermoso viejito. The loving father I wish I had. The one that would curl his grandbabies up. Oh how I ache to be in his arms again. Mi viejito. His mother was either a prostitute or she got around. I wonder what her side of the story was. She was not a good looking woman. She looked like my grandpa with long hair. the features taht made her masculine, also made my hermoso such a handsome man. And that would be my poor chaparrita’s reason for pain many a time. His dad, who knows. I think his last name is his moms. My favorite tio uses that last name, why, who knows, in an attempt to rectify something that wasn’t supposed to be. MY uncle, the male version of my mom. it’s quite trippy to think about, groundbreaking realizations, truly lol. Oh and her mom, a living relic lol. An old woman with long hair, i don’t know her face as she was when i saw her last, or saw her in general. Did mom grow up with her there? was she always old?

I wonder what life was like, poverty after poverty. Were they even aware? More recently that makes sense, but what about back then.

It terrifies me that if it weren’t for leaving my birthtown, I would be stuck. Only seeing the outside world through a screen. And not having had flied to different places. A luxury that they do not have.