credulousmooncake

[credulousmooncake]

do you believe in fate? destiny? what in arabic they call "maktub"? it literally means 'it is written'. i didn't believe in magical things to be real, but i do now. i really do now. it's been so bittersweet but i believe that the universe conspired to let me find you and love you. you watched me leave, I'm sorry. i swear it'll get better. i care, and i always will. i didn't want to leave, but i didn't want you to feel as alone as me. i didn't want your fantastical ideas of love to be scrubbed away with my realistic possibilities of in how many different ways it could go wrong. i wish to be a dreamer like you, how everything will fit into place as if the universe conspired for it. i believe in our love, but staying wouldn't have helped either of us. i won't say this to you lightly, I've been self absorbed and dragging you along my rollercoaster. i was afraid of the rollercoaster and ran away at the sight of it until i realised I'm the rollercoaster. i don't want to be. i want to be better. i want to be the boulevard of sweet-smelling flowers that reminds you of every time you've been truly happy, where you walk across and it feels like a warm hug from someone familiar. i don't want to be the autumn gloom, i want to be the summer sun. i want my head to stop believing that everything i touch is tainted with sadness. i need to stop fantasising that being alone is good or justify it to be healthy. i want to embrace the fact that I'm shitless scared to be alone, i can't stand it. I'm pervaded with jealousy at the thought of losing something real and someone else having it. I need to acknowledge it all. I didn't want you to accept as i am when even i don't know who i am. it would be wrong. I need to love limitless again, with my head and heart both synchronising enough to let me love rightly. I'll find you when I get there, and I can just hope that you'll, even in the slightest of the possibilities, be welcoming of it and we try again.

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

[credulousmooncake]

i hope no one reads this.

i think i spiral too much because i have this urge to always fix things than let them fix themselves. i don't realise how brutally it hurts when i let it, and i act on fixing things before i could give it time to pass. my hyper-independency doesn't help, i couldn't express, i couldn't reach out, it's all because i bottled shit up so i crashed out, losing the one real thing i had with me. please, remind me to give it time, alot of it to understand myself. when i say to myself i understood myself better two years ago, it's ignoring the fact that i am not the person i was at that time and it's no surety that the me then would bash the me now to be like this. i can do this over. please be gentle with yourself, don't try to reach the extents where you're unable to reach yet, give it time. you're growing, please be gentle with yourself. you've been so hard on yourself, why? you're not alone. you never are. please reach out more, please express more, please write more, journal more. that way you'll eventually get better at knowing how you are emotionally, it's little steps, please don't jump into things out of momentary emotions. i hope you stay rational and focused on what big decision you took and why you took it. you have a whole life ahead of you, please be sure who you want to be first than who you want to share it with. it's a new start all over. it'll be lonely, dumbass but you knew that, so you better live upto it. dear me, who doesn't like herself right now, i hope you come around to love who you are and then love others unconditionally, without ever compromising enough to lose yourself. it doesn't end well and you know it well now. please be gentle with yourself. you haven't been in a while. please be gentle with yourself.

[credulousmooncake]

there are spaces in my body where it has forgotten to mourn properly, the urges to cry looking at hopping puppies or the sight of parents appreciating their own for being their best, it all comes flooding back till my eyes fill up and my vision goes blurry, reminding me i have a lot that i need to heal inside of me, and i hope i stay gentle with her.

[credulousmooncake]

Here is one of my first poems i wrote that i really fell in love with ❤️

The Girl Beyond the Rain

He met her on a quiet night,

A silhouette in fading light,

With shadows draped like veils around

The hidden paths her heart had found.

Her eyes were storms, her smile a spell,

With secrets only night could tell.

Her laugh was soft, a stolen sound,

A mystery barely touched, then bound.

She spoke in whispers, half a song,

A tune where hope and hurt belonged.

He'd ask her questions, she would sigh

Like she was teaching him to fly.

And though he knew not who she was,

Or why she kept her dreams because

Her heart was tethered, slow to trust,

She let him in with tender thrust.

They danced through years, a strange ballet,

Of reaching, pulling, turning away

Yet through each stumble, fall, and flight,

She was his muse, his distant light.

They fought with silence, words unspoken,

And pieced together hearts half-broken,

'Til one gray dawn she turned and said,

“I’ve feared the world, but not this thread.”

So there, beneath a misty sky,

Where two hearts swore they'd never lie,

He held her close, and she held him

Two shadows carved from bright and dim.

And in that whispered vow they made,

Her walls fell down, his fears allayed,

They let the morning make them one,

The girl he chased, the love he won.

[credulousmooncake]

walking on the edge of grey roads,

bricklined paths we never crossed,

as i balance myself to keep myself off the edge,

the quietness grew,

was it loneliness or peace,

was it the ever buzzing head going quiet,

at my self demise of it all,

when will you leave me be, when will you let me live, when will you let me love, when will you be on my side,

don't you dare let me be in this deafening silence.

[credulousmooncake]

and suddenly, i felt this gentle cool breeze from my window, a pretty high building and i felt that maybe everything will be alright.

[credulousmooncake]

-Clarice Lispector

[credulousmooncake]

i'm the girl of your dreams,

i'm a mirror, all versions of you that you desire to be,

and if you don't say you love me yet,

you will, if you delay it, give it time,

it's over for you once I'll have you figured out,

and reflect it back to you,

in the way you'd say i'm different, i'm a breeze,

when in reality you'd just be in love with yourself,

a you that you couldn't be.

~

(April 19, 2023)

[credulousmooncake]

Once we start loving ourselves, people no longer seem good to us unless they are actually good for us.

[credulousmooncake]

[credulousmooncake]

Distance means so little when someone means so much.

Unknown

[credulousmooncake]

as i come back to the place of demise,

i crumble my body in here,

'do you have monsters under your bed?

can i fight them for you?'

the light of hope, lit yet burning out,

'i do not fear those monsters

can you save me from the monster inside my head?'

~

how can you let down your guards so easy?

didn't you know where you are?

it's inescapable, it's a cage of slow denial,

it's inside you, where you can never let yourself desire,

it's vague and fatal, worsens in times dire,

it's inextinguishable fire, it's the end of the wire,

it's your head, all who so admire.

~

(July 3rd, 2024)

[credulousmooncake]

All there is to me or what there is in me

Has a big chunk of you

Somedays i tell myself

when am i gonna stop being this hopeless romantic all by myself

Ill sing you a song like i always do I will always do

[credulousmooncake]

Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.

Andrea Gibson

[credulousmooncake]

he's not the kind of person who'd just 'change his mind' one day, he's not the kind who'll find someone better while keeping me on the side, he's not the kind who'll let me be alone in my struggles, he's not the kind to make me question if I'm worthy of love, he's not the kind to leave me behind.

he's the kind to let me talk about anything and everything, he's the kind to hold me softly and whisper to me calmly when everything seems to crumble apart, he's the kind to let me experience everything to an intensity unfathomable, he's the kind to be my happier part of everything. he's the kind to treasure, to keep. he's not a passerby, he's familiar and real and i want this forever.

[credulousmooncake]

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.

Marcus Aurelius

[credulousmooncake]

dark skies come again, welcoming me abode. they say "we'd like you to come back up, you've had enough. we'll make sure your cloud will be the softest one here." i look at them with heavy tears in my eyes and shake my head "I don't remember. why do you think I've been there before?" they smile with pity in their voice "it's your home." i look up in disbelief as the world turns grey and my eyes go dry. "no it's not" i scream. i hear a thunder and it starts pouring. i run to nowhere going around street to street, all soul-less grey as the sky. i get to a field and lie down. i smudge my teary eyes and see streaks of gold in my hand. "oh, i get it now" as i look around the grey scenery for the last time on this land. "hey, im ready now. take me home." i hear a thunder as the grey turns to black, i smile. "afterall, they couldn't keep me" they're confused "who do you mean?" this is why i must've forgotten this place. i hated it once i was with them. it was easy to get lost in momentary bliss. the one dark cloud surrounded me as they promised, the softest one up here. it asked me "is it empty down there?" i reply "they left, i remember now." the cloud got softer. "but who are they?" i say in a low voice "the people who didn't let me back up here, who filled my eyes with gold."