creativelilpsycho

[creativelilpsycho]

sn't it weird that modern maturity is nihilism or is it subservience and hope is naivity kindness can easily turn into being exploited if we lived in a society where there is much kindness then success and m money wouldnt be so important this is something I feel like  i need to say but I’m hoping people would give me a  chance after this message 

im cant participate in the subsurbiance that is surviving in this siociety You sent because big companies take without givingI keep on having less everyday, until mu own mind is completedly occupied by this distraction

MAYBE I WI FAIL BECAUSE I HAVE LESS OF MYSELF TO GIVE 

[creativelilpsycho]

I guess it’s time for me to accept that I’m angry I had to sacrifice so much. Much angrier that maybe I’ve learnt to completely disregard my sense of self for and because of my family

[creativelilpsycho]

For me, hope is futile. For me, I’m not sure, but maybe it died for me a few years ago. Maybe hope is lost because I’ve been by myself, a lot, a lot. 

I’m sorry I need it now. It’s either this or suicide. Hope or suicide,

It will be difficult first losing much of the respect I’ve gained myself. I will be lost knowing what I once cherished, things that have slowly become my identity turning into ashes.

I guess it’s hard dealing with someone who gives me positive reinforcement cuz these few years I’ve been surviving on just a desire for self respect and fear. And living daily in a place where I’ll never be good enough. Being something that will never be useful enough.

[creativelilpsycho]

[creativelilpsycho]

Please let me run wild in the wind with no worries.

[creativelilpsycho]

fear of expectations

So haven’t written for a while I guess and tbh I don’t have a clue about what I should. Well again, shit happened, I mean I got kicked out of my own home… I have a few rough days but I also have a few days of peace.

I’ve been writing a lot about these encounters with adults because of my sick mom and a recurring theme here is a lot of adults giving me this expectation. Some are just plain unreasonable but some are a bit unreasonable asking me to do I feel… and most comes from this place where they’re also quite hopeless.

I just can’t do what they ask me to do, I don’t want another…..

my sensitive body…. my sensitive mind, these absolutely intense emotions

even if they dont force me to do something, knowing that they just hope my mom feels better, it ultimately just hurts. Cuz I also care about my mom, and it’s just extremely heart breaking hearing this.

It also brings me pain seeing these people just hoping for sinething and there’s nothing I could do. Those hurt the most. Seeing their uncomfortable faces while I talk about my perspectives on these things and just seeing that they don’t understand. Cuz if you feel what I feel on just this certain thing, you would at least understand.

[creativelilpsycho]

Story: How ya feeling mom?--Just a girl (part 2)

So this is a part two of basically my dealing with everything that comes with everything that comes with having a mom that is sick and is in the hospital.

Let me just start by showing you this screen cap of what I was scrolling through my phone that almost made me tear up. Before this, I woke up and like called my mom what should I eat which I ask every day, two or three times a day with zero conclusion. At that time, mom was eating with her friends who are visiting her. The conversation was not long, in her voice, I felt like she was ashamed of me somehow like why is daughter bothering me ‘there are people’ are the words. This wasn’t the first time this happened, but it still felt a little disappointing. So I just went to eat the same thing I’ve eaten for about 10 times these 2+months. For sure I felt lonely, and I just start to think, chatting to myself as if I was a guest on a late night talk show and figure things out, occasionally googling things for reference. Well first, I can’t decide what to eat because I don’t want to. I KNOW I don’t to eat any trash fast food,  I’ve repeated this process every day but I really don’t have a choice.This isn’t the point tho, this isn’t even important. Either

Well first, I wouldn’t be satisfied with anything I eat and I’m just anxiety looping (it can take hours and I’m used to my mom helping me with these stuff.) So sitting, thinking, the things that happened recently. All these people putting so much expectations, shaming me in different ways. I tried, but they couldn’t understand what I’m going through, I wasn’t quite sure either until I googled some images. Googling ‘teen and mom relation, mom!!! comic strip’, ‘just moved out, still need a mom that sort of stuff.’ Then I like came across this picture about like things I still need my mom for and there’s a line like ‘no matter how old I get, I still need my mom when I’m down’ which made me want to cry. It really put what I was thinking, what I was going through in sentence. One of the hardest thing I have to go through is not being able to rely on my mom when I’m weak, even being told I can’t go find my mom when just so many things are happening. I think it’s because my mom makes me brave, she really gives me strength, so when I feel like even she thinks of me as a burden, it totally breaks me. I had to explain to people like ‘I’m only 15’, I’m a teen not a child but I still have teen problems but the real thing is that I’m just a daughter.  I'm just a girl who needs her mom to understand and support her.cuz in front of her I can be weak, imperfect and I know she will always accept me when the world is against me.

Guess right now, I’ll just to be strong on my own.

[creativelilpsycho]

Saying goodbye to the past

First of all, I’m writing about yesterday which is pretty important sorta... So as I’ve said before, I’m switching schools and yesterday was the official day to enroll. It was normal, not that interesting, got my uniform and had my picture taken so it was pretty much it. So because my old school was literally a few steps away from my new school (awkward), I had to go back and like officially say my farewells to the school.

Well, I got there signed a few papers bleh bleh bleh, then they hand me a full box of shit in those paper boxes and that was basically it. It felt kinda weird tbh, I felt a bit sour about everything cuz only 6 months ago I was still struggling, trying to get a good grade of sorts and still fighting every morning crawling back to our tiny pink campus. I’m sorta speechless but it feels oddly poetic. Seeing a box of stuff that once was basically most of me but also torn me apart, seeing this journey over I can’t put the words to explain how this feels. Also getting my report card, I failed all subjects. It would’ve been my biggest nightmare, I overcame it? Leading me to a better, well another future? I was like is this the universes’ sign of telling me anything? It seems bad I left ‘like that’, but who knows what will come.

It was definitely hard (quite literally) carrying this huge box, sweating, walking along the road I used to walk after school, buying fresh juice that I used to buy for that little boost preparing for 3 hours of studying. At the same time, I had my new uniform in my bag, a new and exciting future up ahead. I would’ve never thought this would happen, I guess life is just weird.

[creativelilpsycho]

Story: How ya feeling mom? - part 1

Well, it started about 2 months ago, one night my mom's right leg started to hurt. No one really knew what the problem is, it only occurred at night, pain meds seem to be helpful. Few weeks after that point, my mom kept getting treatment from different doctors, but it bad really quickly, like she needed help walking, couldn’t sleep cuz of the pain and would be crying, sometimes yelling at midnight. After little over a month, my mom got an x ray, it was bad news and was sent to the hospital immediately. I didn’t know what was happening cuz no one told, all of my mom's friend was trying to protect her very very badly. 

The real trouble just begins

After that, my mom's friends started to like ‘infilatrate’ my life, like a swarm of them. From the day mom got into the hospital and 4 or 5 days onwards loads of shit happened and I was driven to the breaking point by all the anxiety put on me. Like the first day, they tried to talk to me about the relationship between me and my sister (hint: it’s not good). So they were basically talking to me, words like ‘we are very worried about your mom’, ‘we don’t want her to have many problems’, ‘you know you should..... for your moms’ sake’. As the shitty listener that I am, I’ll usually need some time to process shit but I’d feel the effects immediately and get super confused. Those few days, people were going in and out of my house constantly, I’d get so many calls, so many texts, and I am unbelievably uncomfortable by that. They changed things in my home which I didn’t feel okay about, cuz things staying the way it gives me comfort. People constantly asking where I am, and being around people all the time gives me intense anxiety. That’s really how I am. I understand where people are coming from, I’m not angry, but it’s just too much.

So with just a lot on my plate, naturally I’ll find my mom for help. I mean, the relationship between me and her, she has always taken care of me and being with her, talking just calms me and helps my anxiety. So with everything, I would call her be like ‘this....that is happening, it's driving me absolutely insane, I’m trying to hide this from people, they don’t know me, help me, talk to me please,  I have no one.’ This is basically what I say in every conversation those few dark days. Ironically, as a sick person, mom is very busy, her friends calling her constantly and when I really needed her another call would come and she would leave. I would be left crying by myself in the corridor of my housing estate at 10 pm with people in my house. I couldn’t really find my friends cuz I didn’t want to puke all these negativity on them but I needed my mom. The worse thing is, from the start of the time she was in the hospital,  the aunties would tell me that it’s very IMPORTANT for my mom to be happy, they were totally hinting this at me. I would feel so fucking guilty for calling my mom for help, but I’m just so frustrated. I’d say I cried for more 15 times in 5 days. I mean these people straight up told me that I shouldn’t bother my mom with my problem, then I’d say ’I am in so much panic right now, like I feel it in my body, what should I do when this happens, will YOU help me?’, they would just diverge the conversation.I’ve never felt this much anxiety in my entire life, I had a panic attack, I really had no choice, I really was torn about ‘bothering my mom’, to be fair I was desperate.

It took me like days to recover from this, but I finally understood what was happening cuz it was just a mess. I’m sad to say this, but these aunties thought of me as a problem needed to be solved. I mean cleaning my house, trying to fix me and my sisters' problems, trying to take care of me, they knew these are issues in my mom's life right? They were like trying to solve it their way, I mean they can’t really do anything help my mom recover. To be honest, I think they felt helpless about my moms' sickness, and they just want to HELP HER a.k.a solve her problems (including me and not letting me finding my mom for help). You know what, you can’t just go solve someones’ problems just because you want to. You don’t understand how shit can be complicated and you need to be responsible for what you do and say. I felt like they were trying to build barriers between my and my mom, cuz I’m a teenager with anxiety and I’m a problem to my mom and I’m just not okay with all the changes in my life. Like geez! You know what happened, after I blocked them on WhatsApp, and set things straight, I started to feel much MUCH better. In short, these people caused all my anxiety, and I wouldn’t have needed to find my mom in the first place

Little more details in this story, yep can’t believe this is the shortened version of everything. Damn. I mean I cried alone by the pier while yelling like a crazy person. It was like an hour. Also, one of the worse nights ever, because my moms' friends trying to solve me and my sister's problems and my sister being my biggest nightmares. One night, I was just so scared of her at that time, I was panicking alone, trapped in my room just shaking at 2 am. Besides, people weren’t that nice to me, like one was jealous that her husband is nice to me? Like WTF? Some were just sad, and brooding with negative energy. Despite how bad a state I’m in, I had to act dumb and happy trying to cheer up these adults and be like it would be okay or like ‘i like ice cream haha, I’m young and stupid LOL’. Some are just terrible to talk to. I was basically around mentally unstable adults and just dealing with them (one went kinda crazy). Adults in stress are just a bunch of ignorant kids. All this time, they’re telling me that they were just caring, I’m like ‘I’m talking to you for your sake, so YOU feel safe.’ I mean I don’t mind, just don’t be a bitch to me like some. The bad ones are like tracking my every move, while I’d rather they ask about my day lol that never happened.

I’m very much doing fine now, but I wonder, why didn’t ‘the news’ torn me apart like the others. Maybe I’m too young. I’d say I’m a logical person, but also very sensitive. I’d use logic to understand my feelings and also to validate it. Deep down, I just feel like my mom would be alright, it really just worries me that I’m gonna be an orphan when she’s gone which is bad, for me. Like, am I a dick cuz I’m only thinking about myself. I mean, like I mentioned at the start of my blog my mom and me, I’m just a baby sort of. I just rely on her a lot. I truly believe she would be alright despite the worrying data. Why I talked about this is because two days ago I visited my mom in the hospital. At first, it was only me and her, I was sat on the bed next to her and I proceeded to talk about my day. We were happy, it feels like we’re at home. Then my aunt came and like talked and talked about all the sad stuff, and I was just not taking it. I know I’m like kinda selfish but let me be selfish, please. I just kinda want to be moms, little kid, being beside her and stuff. I just want to look at her. I’d say I care about her differently from other people, I just want to care for her by tugging her to sleep. There is no right or wrong in this, but this is a drawing I drew of my mom in the hospital. She’ll be alright.

[creativelilpsycho]

SOON blog content

So as I said 2 days ago, I would primarily be talking about my life, the things I’ve learnt, things I’ve realized, things I’ve gone through. Other than that I have other ideas like having theme based weeks, content review, stories about people, recent news discussion, project(ideas) ideas, Q&A  and other things that interests me and hopefully you too

[creativelilpsycho]

Self portrait imagination thing

[creativelilpsycho]

CHANGE

HELLO! This is the first entry in my blog, a place where i  express my ideas, thoughts and communicate with other. Better understanding the environment around me like, the issues I haven’t fully processed is really crucial for me. I’m growing at a tremendous rate, so i decided to document the roller coaster that is my journey. Me from a week ago is completely different with a new challenging problem, me now don’t even recall what happened. I also need a tool for organizing my thoughts and helping me think clearly.

NEW LIFE — I’ve been thinking a lot today, especially about my future, my path. I’m in a very special phase of my life, a transition period to the unknown, I’ll explain how I got to this point. Let’s start with the start of my secondary school year. I’ve never been the brightest person especially when I was younger. I was pretty insecure cuz I used to be terrible at school and felt looked down upon. Luckily I still got into a ‘good school?’ and got into the ‘good’ class. I felt like, this is my chance to prove myself. I had decent grades but I struggled a lot. I mean, I basically gave up my life for a good grade, I was completely tied up by my obligations as a student. I don’t even have time for even one extra curricular, Not to mention how it affected my health, I was somewhat mentally unstable, not that happy cuz I felt I had no control of my life and soon myself. I couldn’t wake up early, so the rest of the day I had a headache, I would be dizzy, I had low pressure. I was so easily sick. My health was barely there. It got worse each year, I feel like my body wasn’t made for this at all, I was barely holding on. The turning point was when I met my psychiatrist, I basically had all the symptoms of a person with ADHD. So he prescribed ADHD medication to me, which DID NOT WORK. The medication made me super hyper, I tried it for 2 weeks. The result was 2 weeks of undone homework, I couldn’t fucking do anything. Everything piled up, I was kinda forced to let go. At the same time, school was starting to cut me some slack cuz I finally had evidence after 2.5 years of constant struggle. A combination of stuff, I kinda lost motivation cuz I know I can’t continue and at that time I’ve been planning on switching schools. I decided to like give myself a break, it felt good. After like 2 more tries, finally found the right medicine, actually got accepted to this new school, so I left that life. Looking back, I didn’t know why I still worked so hard when it meant nothing to me, I had no drive. Well, I had fear, fear of failure, of change. If I wasn’t forced to stop, I would be doing it cuz society kinda tells me that it’s the ‘right’ thing to do, it felt wrong to just stop. Second, of all, it’s just become my identity, it’s like losing it all. I did it anyways, cuz I really couldn’t survive in my school. Funny thing is it took me some time to officially decide that to switch school, cuz it’s a major risk, but I felt that mainly I couldn’t get past that ‘getting good grades’ mentality, which is insane to think back now. Also, I have anxiety so it would make sense that I worry too much.

Now, it’s summer, I have no responsibility, no obligations, I’m completely free. One of the alternative reason I finally made up my mind to switch schools is that I kinda knew that ‘the normal path of life’, like going to university will not be my path. I dont want it to be, neither do I want a job where I sit in an office being absolutely miserable and it’s already established that I would be bested in this field of academics. The fact is that the upper secondary school life is for the DSE exams which is for like university. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense to me. So, art it is.

As an art person, I’ve gone through so many phases and I’m just interested in everything. One good thing at school is that we sometimes get to experience some of these things. 

dancing, choreographing

singing

photography

drawing

writing?— like we needed to reimagine these stories and write a whole play and I loved it

acting— I’ve always been interested, I just love plays for some reason

comedy– knowing comedians like Bo Burnham, Zach woods or Charlyne Yi, it makes me want to understand it more

tech stuff?— I made a bad ass website and animation back in school

design?

music?

film— sorta interested

politics —- prison system, school system

philosophy— kinda stumbled upon it untangling life’s problems you know??

ugh what geez I find everything interesting even science 

I just like understanding stuff. Other than the stuff above, I also like having a deep talk with others, teaching, helping others. Just having a personal experience with somebody gives me joy, feels like the thing I was born to do sorta. I’ve only figured out this much of everything. I personally don’t expect life to be easy or just predictable, so I guess I have to walk the path and see what’s there. I have so many ambitions, I’m probably too idealistic but it’s just the way I am. That’s it for today, see ya!