creativegamergirl - Tumblr blog

[creativegamergirl]

Have you ever just told your parent everything that's been bothering you from past shit to Present shit and she still looks to you like you're a disappointment and you trying to help her because you are the only one here taking care of her. All the other people in your family tell her to do whatever she wants, but that's not helping her get better. I'm just so tired of trying with my parent.

[creativegamergirl]

Have you ever felt like you know you couldn't do something right and you ask your friends and they don't understand that your adhd kicks in when you are asking responsible stuff. Like your mind doesn't really work, and they have to say something to you every two to three times to see where they can explain it the best way they can to you for you to hopefully understand it. I know I don't pick up on everything, and it still takes me time to understand it.

[creativegamergirl]

Why do you sometimes feel like you can't or don't want to be here? The way they talk about you look at you. The people around you are not the realists. Those people are fake, including family. They pretend they understand you. But they don't. They pretend they love you, but they don't. They pretend they will be there for you. But they're not. Sometimes, it's better to just be alone and stay alone. They even make you feel so small that you just end up turning everything off. The bottom line is that you can't never really fully trust someone.

[creativegamergirl]

How can you be jealous of a person that's means nothing to you? Regardless of how yall came to be. In my opinion, I could care less.

[creativegamergirl]

I just wish I had a hug that was warm and loving from mom but after everything my walls won't come down and everytime I see a sappy movie where the mom says she loves you and gives her daughter or son a hug I cry I do even it with the animals

[creativegamergirl]

Tired

Every time I see someone or talk to someone, they always ask me how I'm doing, to which I respond. I have been tired. Sometimes, I might be good but mostly tired. It's because from sun up to sun down I have to get up clean a house no one is willing to visit just to say it's clean move furniture around to make it look a little better just in case someone comes to visit. Cook a meal that can at least last three days so I can feed my mom and me since I'm the only one doing the cooking. It used to be fun now. I feel like it's a chore to do. Straighten up and clean her room, put her stuff up, and deal with her. I share that my mom acts like it's a problem to take a shower sometimes. Then, I have to go to the store from time to time, getting stuff back to back. I'm so tired of walmart. Had the kids for almost 6 months it was 5, then 7 for a week, then it went back to five, and that was hell. Those first four kids are rude as hell. I'm so happy I played it smart and didn't have kids. In my 40s with no kids, I'm happy too, sometimes. I wish I could get a dog. But I'll settle for my neighbors dog from time to time. Then, after all that, I finally get to my thing and try and get myself together. My meds and being diabetic are kicking my ass even my anxiety has a front row seat to my madness. I feel like what is my damn purpose? Sometimes, I do feel like I'm going to do something to myself. Sometimes, I do feel suicidal sometimes, but self-control reigns me back in. I just feel like nothing good will or would come my way. I feel like I'm self-swallowing in my own pitiful bullshit that will never get better. I'm trying to find a job where my mouth doesn't need to be used or opened. My family gets on my nerves first they say don't get a job cause my mom can't watch herself then to get a job because she can watch herself hell even I know she can't watch herself. I wish all this shit that's in mind would just explode and then I wouldn't remember anyone. Then I could leave and never look back. Plus on top of can't go sleep like others my sleep schedule is off like insomnia wouldn't let me sleep.

[creativegamergirl]

Happy THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE

I don't feel up to do any family functions anymore. I just don't feel happy or lively. Just feel like I should just have stayed home. It's not like it used to be. My mind goes everywhere but not where it needs to be. One day off does really nothing.

[creativegamergirl]

I wish I had somewhere to go. My heart hurts so much. I wake up, and I cry for no apparent reason, and sometimes I wish I knew why. I got the responsibility of taking care of my mom while everyone moved to texas. I tried all my life even when I younger and tried to run away, but they always brought me back . They always try to guilt trip me to stay. And sometimes it works. Me and my family don't really get along to say much. They alway brought me down like I had no positive role models in my life except my teachers. When you strive to be better, my family takes the cake and brings me so far down that I'm just taken into depression and anxiety shoots up, and all I want is to sleep and never wake up. I write here because it's easy for people here to read because maybe some are going thru the same thing. My family never believed anything I said to them. When I tried to kill myself, my family was cheering on for me to kill myself. Ended up going to the psych ward, only my friends were really worried about what I tried to do to myself. My family didn't even worry about me as if I was just another person. When I came home nobody wanted to comfort me or be in the same room as me.my mom just there and did nothing . My sister did nothing. They didn't listen or even try to understand me. They thought I was trying to get attention. And everybody was dumb enough to sit here and listen to them. They kept taughting me to do it. I'm so built around negative energy that it's sad being in this house being with these people. It's taking a very tiring toll on me, and I feel like I'm just failing at it. I'm not even sure I want to go to Thanksgiving. Every time someone tries to reassure me, I feel even worse than before. It's like they feel like i should have tried harder. I'm the reject. I'm a disappointment. I'm not good enough. It's like I was a throwaway. I never make sense why am I still here. What is my purpose? Why can't I just disappear? No one wanted me. No one ever made me feel happy or safe. I know I had a difficult childhood, but instead of blaming it on my medicine and the fact I had adhd they should've blamed themselves for not trying hard enough. They just gave up. Only a few helped me. My family made fun of me instead of trying to help me. They thought I couldn't do anything. I just wish for once something positive came out of this. Or I should find a place far away from family, but in the end, they will guilt trip me to stay and watch my mom. It's their turn now. I'm going to try and get out of here.

[creativegamergirl]

I'm stuck. I'm not sure what it means when you try and flirt anymore or what it means when someone tells you something and you don't understand the meaning of it. Or how you should feel towards a person. I know I played myself for what went down with a friend. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but now it makes me feel like I was played and used . I did the most useful thing I blocked him. From phone and snapchat. We were never friends on Facebook so that part I don't have to worry about it. I wish I could just erase the whole day. In a way, it was an equal opportunity between us, but I hate it when it happens to me feelings catch on. It takes me a while to get over someone. I know I'm not his type. I guess he can now say he has been with a black girl. I don't know what I was feeling. I'm used to this type of stuff. I guess just being by myself did that to me. But lately, guys just want sex with no strings attached.

[creativegamergirl]

Has anyone ever had a dream inside a dream? What does it all mean? Grasping at straws doesn't help either. I wonder what does it means?

[creativegamergirl]

Is it me, or do you believe that your friends only hang out when it's beneficial for them. Like when birthdays come around, it's cool. But when just any day or hoilday it's a problem. I get you have kids and a boyfriend, or you're married, or it's just you and the kids. I get that. Hell, I have people I have to take care of, too. But I'm just saying, "Do friends hang out with certain friends because of certain things or certain funds that others bring. I'm not really sure anymore. It's probably better just to stay to yourself, I guess, right? Or is it better to find new people to become your friend?

[creativegamergirl]

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a real disappointment. I have had verbal abuse all my life. I do blame myself for listening. I wish I knew what my purpose was so I could leave. They always make me feel like I can't do anything right or I'm fail at everything. Never got positive feedback ever in my life.

[creativegamergirl]

Once upon a time, I thought i knew what I wanted out of life.

Sometimes, back then, I wanted to know more about the history of places and, more or less, the haunted places of Louisiana. I lack motivation now and don't know what I really want out of life anymore. When your family has verbally abused you your whole life and some of your friends do it also. What can really be said about you. It's just kinda makes you sit there and think. Do you really want to be around this negative energy. They don't believe you could make it on your own.. Really, the people who call friends don't either.

I just feel stuck staying here. Depression is really just a bitch. Sometimes, on rare occasions, I wish I wasn't here either.

I wanted to go to school but couldn't. My family pushed to the side. My mom even said she wish she didn't have me. I already know I'm a disappointment. She claims she didn't say it but I know she said it. And I don't ha e the encouragement to really want to do anything anymore.

[creativegamergirl]

Now what to do. I quit both jobs.

[creativegamergirl]

Flashbacks are something I hate having. I have them all the time. When I'm trying to think of other stuff, these flashbacks come back.

I am at a point where sometimes I do have regrets in my life, and it sucks for how my life turned out. I wish I didn't listen to my family, and I would probably be somewhere better off than where I am now. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop that can never be stopped or go in reverse or forward just the same loop.

I'm still single, still no kids. I wish I had a pet something that could love me back. My family has been verbally abusing me my whole life, and now I feel like I can't do anything anymore. All they do now is push me around like im nothing or not even worth it. I dont even know how to feel anything. I live in a negative space. My creative life is now like a black and white show. I used to be happy. I'm not sure what I am now. Sometimes, I'm not even happy to be here still.

I feel like my spirit can't hold up any longer. I'm always tired, and even though I have my flaws, I can't never seem to find my way anymore. I just want to sleep and stay asleep.

My circle is really small. Friends were not friends.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

[creativegamergirl]

Sometimes I think about doing myself a favor. I have two options move out or just be by myself. I'm tired of having to do everything I don't get help from people. I have to ask my friends for help. My cousins feel like when I'm there with my mom I'm the only one that has to do stuff for her. Even though they are there and can help her. I'm tired of them treating like I'm those kids ages. I have been getting too emotional the last two years. I'm just tired of doing stuff anymore. I'm going start selling my stuff and spend all my money and disappear. Just venting getting it out my system

[creativegamergirl]

Funny how family is they need to stay in their own lane.